well, the day has come. I found out last week that my W had begun the process for divorcing me. I went to see a lawyer who told me it was in the best iterest of the children to file a counter suit in order to protect my rights to custody. So yesterday my lawyer called hers to ask them to serve me. I've been waiting around a week to be served knowing it was coming "sometime" and the anticipation was killing me. Well, I got served yesterday and today my W got served with my counter suit.<P>The interesting thing is that my W suit gives grounds as "cruel and inhumane treatment", although when I asked her last night, she didn't seem to want to talk about the spacific alligations. I think frankly that she is digging hard to come up with something that the court will buy.<P>I think my serving her is going to come as a major shock to her. You see, the last time we talked about it I told her I wouldn't give her a divorce. That was before I found out for sure she was sleeping with the OM. It was also before I found out that she planned to take my two children and move in with this scum. So I filed under Adultury and C&I treatment. I honestly didn't want to file against her, I still love her and always will, but I felt pushed into a corner. Now the only thing that matters is the welfare of my children.<P>My W's OM is several years younger than her and has never had any children. I am so affraid that they would suffer because of his immaturity and her self centeredness. I know the kids are better off with me, and I am committed to fight with all I have to keep them with me, no matter how much it hurts my wife. Don't get me wrong, I really don't want to have to expose her affair to the world or try to prove she is an unfit mother, but if she fights for custody, what choice do I have?<P>Tonight, I have to go home and "face the music" so to speak. You see, I am a computer geek, and when this all started I put a program on my PC that records everything done on it. not only does it capture keylogs, but it gives me screenshots that are saved to jpgs on the hard drive. Today my wife will have figured out that all of her "private and intimate" conversations with the OM have been saved for postarity and evidence. That isn't the only evidence I have either. Let me tell you, a PI is worth the money if you can afford one. I expect her to be furious. I actually hope that she gets so mad and imbarrased that she leaves again. It has been too hard living in the same house with her watching her carry on her affair and her thinking she was pulling the wool over my eyes.<P>So, in 30 min. I have to head home to an uncertian future. I sure am glad I took all the guns out of the house before she moved home!(no joke) The big question that remains is this; did she tell her lawyer about her affair? I doubt it, but time will tell. I'm willing to bet though that her family doesn't know about the extent of her affair, and I sure don't want to be the one who tells them. Hopefully she won't put me in a position where I have to.<P>Wish me luck folks and please pray for us.

Brent,<BR>I'm really sorry things have turned out this way for you. I'm pretty much in the same position. I filed for divorce and my H should be served this weekend. He has told me for a month that he has filed and I haven't been served yet. I had to beat him to it. Basically to protect my kids. <P>You do what you need to do to protect your children. I also filed on the grounds of adultery and cruel and inhuman treatment. I wanted it known why I was filing. I didn't want the courts to think it was only for irreconsilable differences.<P>You take care and keep your chin up!<P>(((((BRENT)))))<P>Mitzi

(((((((brent!)))))))))<BR>and one for Meg and Em too!<P>Best of luck! <BR>Why are you going to tell her you have that information on her? I would just hand it to your lawyer and let him deal with it. <P>Keep close tabs on your kids, don't want her to take them and run.<P>Many Many prayers!!<P>Keep us updated if you can.<P>------------------<BR>Cat<P>catfrommb@yahoo.com

Brent I am so sorry that you or anyone has to go through this much. I am with Cat, why are you going to tell her? I would just let the lawyers deal with the evidence. It is all too emotional for you to have to deal with as it is, and I believe someone here said that they told their H of all the plans that they were doing before hand, and it was used against her everytime. Meaning that the H would do something to tear her plans down before they got underway. Again, I say, you are too emotionally involved to confront her on your findings, so maybe it would be wise to remove yourself from that part of it for now.

Brent...<P>I hope this gets to you in time!<P>Whoooooaaaaaaa.........<P>Do not confront her!!!!<P>AND...<P>I really hate to give you some bad news...<BR>...but you have an uphill battle like you've never seen....<P>BECAUSE...<P><B>ADULTERY doesn't matter</B> (in almost every state of these blessed United State).<P>In most states... there is <B>NO</B> punishment for the offense...<BR>...in those where there is... it is rarely used.<P>It will have virtually no impact on any separation of assets...<P>AND THE ABSOLUTE WORST PART... <P><B>IT HAS NO IMPACT ON CHILD CUSTODY!!!!</B><BR> [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img] <P>This is the awful truth!<P>Now if you are serious about custody...<BR>...you need to check out...<A HREF="http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/" TARGET=_blank>Fathers Rights To Custody(FRTC)</A>... This site is <B>sooooo</B> anti-marriage....<BR><B>BUT</B>... what you really need to know about what to do to gain custody is there.<P>You need to get not just a good attorney...<BR>...but an exceptional one! If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>exceptional</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<P>You have a lot of work ahead of you!!!<P>E-mail me if you have questions... imherczeg@yahoo.com .<P>Prayers...(you'll need a lot of them)... [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]<P>Jim

Hey Brent,<P>I'm so sorry for what you are going through.<BR>It stinks, but you must protect your children. They will always be my first priority. And not just mine, but every child, everywhere.<P>I also agree to let the lawyers deal with it. If she is still in the home, it is too much for you to handle. The emotions that will be running through you, will not make you rational.<P>Don't, don't, don't do anything to jepordise your situation where the children are concerned.<BR>Whenever she 'gets' to you, think of their little faces, and keep strong for them. Don't let her rile you, or make you say things that can be used against you. Easier said than done, I know.<P>Gosh, I'm thinking of you, and sending a big hug your way. I'm also saying a prayer for you.<P>Please stay strong, hang on, and keep your chin up. We're here for you, you know that.<P>Jo

Brent,<P>I'm glad to see that you are prepared and doing whatever it takes to protect yourself and your children. Best of luck. Sorry that you have to go through this ugly and messy ordeal...

Brent,<BR>Trying to 4give is probably talking about me. I told me stbx my every move....in hopes that he would come to his senses. HaHa.....he just was always one jump ahead of me. I really am blonde.....but.....I never knew I was that stupid.<P>This is really hard to say....but alot of the times I was just a selfish as stbx......in that I thought of myself often and not the two most important ones. I just had to get happy again.....get him back. Now they are all that I think of. I know...it is about time.<P>Good luck to you......I only wish things could be different for you. Love your children...they are the most important thing.<P>Nancy

Brent<P>I am so sorry to hear of your pain <P>My H is suing me on that as well. The divorce can be slowed down if there is no evidence that you were cruel and inhumane. You can divorce her on adultry, that's what I am doing. I figure if I have to go thru with it, it may as well be on my terms.<P>I am interested in this stuff you did to your PC, can you get back to this when you get a moment, you have my email address.<P>How are the girls? Did you call the counselor yet??<P>Try to be strong tonite and my prayers are with you. I know tonite will be rough, but at least you can know the truth, sometimes I wish I did.<P>You know where to find me if you need to chat. Dana<BR>

well its done. When I got home tonight, she was waiting for me wanting to know where the kids were (I had the sitter keep them over night). I told her we needed to talk about what was going on. I asked her if she had been served, she said no (yeah, right, I know better). Anyway, we talked, ok I talked. I told her how sorry I was that this was happening, but that she had forced my hand.<P>Long story short, I told her that I didn't want to hurt her, but if she insisted on trying to take the custody of the girls, I would do whatever it took to win the custody case. I DID NOT GIVE AWAY ALL MY EVIDENCE. I gave her just enough info to make her realize that I had it, but not enough to tip my hand. Basically, I told her that I still loved her very much, but that I felt she had left me no other choice. I showed her a couple of screen shots off the computer that were extreamly imbarrassing, and told her that she was no longer fooling me. Boy was she pissed! she never cried, but I could see her shaking from head to toe.<P>I told her that she had a choice. If she was willing to leave the house and give me custody of the girls, then I would keep her dirty little secret and she could tell her friends and family what a horrible person I was. If not, I was willing to do what ever it took to win custody regardless of how much I hurt her in the process. I told her that I realized that Adultury was probably not enough to win me custody, and there for I would have to try to prove that she was an unfit mother. I told her that I realized that she would probably win custody in the courts, but I asked her "at what price?" I told her how much I hoped that I wouldn't have to do that, but if she forced me to, I was prepared to do so.<P>here's the thing, she never cried. she never showed any emotion beyond the shaking which she hasn't figured out how to control yet. This is not the woman I married. it is a clone. My real wife is an emotional person with a conscience. this person I was talking to tonight has no regret that she was willing to admit to, and is still convinced HE is the love of his life. I love her, but God she is pittiful.<P>From the standpoint of saving my marriage, I probably really screwed up tonight, but God it felt good to let her know that she wasn't bulls&*ting me anymore!!!!!!!!!! At least now she has to face the fact that she isn't going to keep her affair under cover anymore (sorry, no pun intended). The choice is hers now. Frankly, I hope she leaves, I need a rest. I have been trying so hard to save my marriage that she just plain wore me out. Right now, all I care about is the girls, is that wrong?<P>Brent

Brent,<P>So sorry to hear what you are going through. YOU will make it through this. <P>I would recommend lining up counseling for your kids. I don't remember how old they are but they may have questions they are afraid to ask you.<P>My son wanted to know where he would live, that was his main question. He also was afraid to go to the counselor as he thought thats who would decide where he would live.<P>My D's concern was if she would have to attend the divorce hearing.<P>What ever you do keep the kids in mind and keep them first. As hard as it may seem, try nnot to extract revenge on your spouse in the divorce.<P>I think you have done the right thing in keeping the info and informing her that you do have evidence.<P>Be sure your lawyer follows what you want done. My lawyer did, the lawyer my x first hired, tried to get her to take half of everything, and she says he was the one that lied about her income. But she went along with it.<P>Locate and copy all your joint finances. I made the mistake of gving my x her stuff and then had trouble proving what she earned as her lawyer would only give my stuff back. I was able to get a copy from my accountant.<P>Anyway best of luck. Let me know if I can be of any other help. You got some good advice here.<P>God Bless,<P>Bob<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

Brent,<P>So sorry to hear of your pain. I am watching you , and hoping you make it through. The only thing that worried me was that you told her, you realized you couldn't get custody on the adultry alone. Don't tell her any of your info that comes from a lawyer or anything that you might know that is a positive on her part. Let her wonder and pay for her lawyer to tell her that stuff.<P>I know this isn't the path you want. I am on the different path too here. But at some point, you will feel a sense of relief for at least taking control of some small bit of your life. You will feel better as you get stronger, and you will get better results when you are not clingy, needy or sad. <P>Be good to your little sweeties, and please get them into counseling. You know where to find me.<P>Dana<BR>