I first want to thank all of you who have responded to my questions, it gives me insight and direction.<P>In short again, my wife and I have been together 9.5 yrs. and while I was on business travel she had an affair with a friend of mine and is now "addicted" to him. She tells me she still wants to see him and doesn't know exactly what she feels for him. She has been moved out of our house for over 5 weeks and we are now having to move into a new house we had built in 7 days. I have asked her to give us a chance to make our marriage work by not seeing the OM but she refuses. I know she stays with him almost every night. She did stay with me a couple of nights and we made love etc... but she told me yesterday that she is still not all there and she tried. She says it doesn't have everything to do with the OM but I feel different. We had (have) problems with me meeting her emotional needs I know, she told me she felt worthless and has been giving up on us for awhile now. She says she is afraid that if she comes back it will eventially go back to the same way. I feel that if she would let go of the OM we could work it out but she is just not willing (able??) to do that now.<P>My question is, she will be comming over Sat. to help pack (even though I have almost finished it all), and I am not sure how to act towards her. Should I continue to ask her for hugs and try and get close to her or should I just try and be nice but show no affiection. We also are going to have the new house and she avoids talking about that too. I asked if she was going to stay there and she says "I don't want to talk about it". I love my wife unconditionally and want her back. I know it will take some time but how exactly is the best way to be towards her. It is like she gives me hugs and tells me she loves me to appease me. She has said she is back and forth a=but I feel she is again drawing closer to the OM. <P>Please if anyone can help me would you reply. I am in so much pain as many others are as well. I have lost probably 40+ lbs and this whole thing consumes my every minute of every day. I even wake up in the middle of the night every night with a sick feeling worrying about her and what she is doing. And when I get up I get sick every morning. I am so confused on what to do. I just want her to come home. She sees change in me and knows how much I love her but...<P>PLEASE can I get some advice from you all, anything helps!!!

caj1,<P> Did you see my last post to you on your Very Very Confused post ?????<P> What you are going though is HELL and there is no better way to describe it. I've been there and feel for you.<P> I'm not sure how you should or should act tomorrow but Look at that post, check out some of the things I just said.<P> I just added aa new post on <P>words that ALL of us will find helpful<P> Go and read the verse from Corinthians 13:4-6. It has a lot of good advice.<P> I wasn't one for following a Plan A but I did use a lot of the rules you'll find here. These "rules" "ideas" are good. Get your mind focused on where you are and where you want to go and then learn the dos and don'ts and go for it.<P> P.S. when I following my own advice and that of others things do work out better. I believe this will pass but not until you have suffer more pain then I care to remember. DON'T LOSE FOCUS OF WHERE YOU WANT TO GO, THIS WILL BE YOUR STRENGTH. Keep picking yourself up, keep working at it. <P> TRY NOT TO LOSE SITE OF THE FACT THAT YOU WIFE IS WRAPPED UP IN A FANTASY. A FANTASY THAT IS SO STRONG I'M NOT SURE THOSE OF USE ON OUR SIDE OF THE FENCE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND. One day this bubble will pop and then you'll be able to move on. Until that day comes TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF !!!!!!!<P> You have my prays and I only hope this turns around soon for you <P>

Some betrayers say that TOO much affection is like smothering them and makes it worse for them, you know...the guilt thing. Just do what you have to do, meaning, if she is there to help pack, then pack. Keep it controlled. If she touches you then DON'T pull back, but maybe by doing the opposite of what you have been doing will help. Basically, what I have learned here is that if what you are currently doing is not working then DO NOTHING. Sometimes that is the best.

caj1,<P>The best way to show your wife that you see that you were not as adept to meeting HER needs as you would like to be is....<P>Copy the Emotional Needs Questionaire from the workbook, and explain to her (calmly and without too much despair) that you would appericate it if she would fill it out. Tell her it seems lots of people need to improve their skills at meeting others needs, and you have found a site that lays it out very clearly for you. Remember, you are not asking her to do this for the marriage, or for her. Your frame of reference is that you see you need to improve in this area, and her input would help you.<P>Let her take it with her, and mail back to you at your new address! And speaking of moving, I would go today and get some snacks, or nice sandwich stuff and put it at the new house. Make sure you get things you know she likes, (sparkling water or oj) and do not forget the dessert. (ice cream?) Something simple to eat. Also, bring over a radio, and have it tuned to a station she likes or that plays oldies she likes. Do this today, so you will not have to worry about it tommorrow.<P>Try not to get too upset if she cannot face staying as long as you like. It may mean she is hurting about what she has done, and how much she sees she has to lose. Don't take it as rejection of you. Be strong for her....help her if she reacts like she is hurting or if she is cold. Be the leader and not asking for her to comfort you. She needs comfort from you, as crazy as that sounds. Keep in the back of your mind, my needs will be on hold, I will not take anything as rejection, but rather as a cry out from her that she is confused.<P>Don't try to straighten her out, just be with her. Don't have a long, exhasting talk about ya'll. She cannot hear that right now. Your frame of reference is to comfort her (you do not want her going to om for that). Have a pleasent, low key day, with enough fun foods and drinks to keep yourselves fueled. Have music to relax the mood, keep yourself in a decent mood.<P>Remember, your overall goal is to have a pleasant first day memory at your new house. That is all. If she is in bad mood, so be it. Do not go there yourself. She is not lost, though you may think so. It is very early in the game, and you found a great source of support. She is in pain also, and you are the one in the family to be strong and help you both thur this.<P>Victoria<P>P.S. If you want to go the extra mile....arrange to have her favorite flowers (not roses?) delivered to the new house while ya'll are there. Have a note (in your handwriting if possible) saying For my wife...Welcome home! You might even say that no matter where you two live, she has always made the house a home. And while the new house is GREAT and part of the vision you two had planned, home is actually where ever you and her are together, because you are now a family.<P>You might ask some others if is part is over the top!!! Do what feels right for you...

caj1,<P>The best way to show your wife that you see that you were not as adept to meeting HER needs as you would like to be is....<P>Copy the Emotional Needs Questionaire from the workbook, and explain to her (calmly and without too much despair) that you would appericate it if she would fill it out. Tell her it seems lots of people need to improve their skills at meeting others needs, and you have found a site that lays it out very clearly for you. Remember, you are not asking her to do this for the marriage, or for her. Your frame of reference is that you see you need to improve in this area, and her input would help you.<P>Let her take it with her, and mail back to you at your new address! And speaking of moving, I would go today and get some snacks, or nice sandwich stuff and put it at the new house. Make sure you get things you know she likes, (sparkling water or oj) and do not forget the dessert. (ice cream?) Something simple to eat. Also, bring over a radio, and have it tuned to a station she likes or that plays oldies she likes. Do this today, so you will not have to worry about it tommorrow.<P>Try not to get too upset if she cannot face staying as long as you like. It may mean she is hurting about what she has done, and how much she sees she has to lose. Don't take it as rejection of you. Be strong for her....help her if she reacts like she is hurting or if she is cold. Be the leader and not asking for her to comfort you. She needs comfort from you, as crazy as that sounds. Keep in the back of your mind, my needs will be on hold, I will not take anything as rejection, but rather as a cry out from her that she is confused.<P>Don't try to straighten her out, just be with her. Don't have a long, exhasting talk about ya'll. She cannot hear that right now. Your frame of reference is to comfort her (you do not want her going to om for that). Have a pleasent, low key day, with enough fun foods and drinks to keep yourselves fueled. Have music to relax the mood, keep yourself in a decent mood.<P>Remember, your overall goal is to have a pleasant first day memory at your new house. That is all. If she is in bad mood, so be it. Do not go there yourself. She is not lost, though you may think so. It is very early in the game, and you found a great source of support. She is in pain also, and you are the one in the family to be strong and help you both thur this.<P>Victoria<P>P.S. If you want to go the extra mile....arrange to have her favorite flowers (not roses?) delivered to the new house while ya'll are there. Have a note (in your handwriting if possible) saying For my wife...Welcome home! You might even say that no matter where you two live, she has always made the house a home. And while the new house is GREAT and part of the vision you two had planned, home is actually where ever you and her are together, because you are now a family.<P>You might ask some others if is part is over the top!!! Do what feels right for you...

VIT,<P> I love the flowers being deliever (you do know I will steal that at some point). How about this on the card<P>xxxxx,<BR> Thank you for making our house a home!!<BR> yyyy<P>short, sweet, love and pressure isn't there yet it has a lot to say ????<P>Ladies, feedback I know CAJ1 would like to know and like I said I'll be more then happy to steal the idea.<P>It's great, I love it.<BR>