I guess I really blew it big time tonight. My H is going to Career Day at my son's High School tomorrow to do several presentations. I heard my son tell a freind that his fathers co-worker (the EA-ow) who is HOT would be going along with him. I blew up! Well, my son was wrong, she is not going. He got her confused with an assistant that is going to help out H with the presentation. I confronted H when he was almost asleep, not a good time. <P>I just feel like my son saying this woman was HOT was a huge slap in the face to me. My H refuses to cut off this "innocent freindship" with her. He says that I just have to cope with it. So he gives her rides to work, discusses our marriage problems with her and listens to her marriage problems...big deal. Well it is a big deal to me though he swears it's all just a good freindship.<P>I asked him flat-out if he could see a relationship developing between the two of them and he said "I don't think so". I'll admit here that I am a lousy Plan A person, but I try...and the more I try...the more he walks all over me. He has admitted that he has lied about having late night appointments and just stayed at his office because he didn't want to come home. <P>I am acting like a crazy lady and I'm sure pushing him away over my obsessions. Am I a fool to try to believe that he is just a buddy to this woman? H has always had women as freinds, he finds them easier to talk to than men, but I think this is pushing the line. What now guys...any input is welcome.<BR>Thank you.<BR>

I know exactly how you feel. Last week after I had read and more or less understood that my initial response to our marital problems (angry outburst, demands, dirpespect) was throwing my wife into the arms of OM. Still, as a result of bad luck, this happened:<P>I always check the log on the phone to see if some important calls has come in while we were away (I don't have an answering machine right now). I noticed that my wife had called one of our neighbours. They have a daughter that seldomly plays with my son. But the man is a lawyer dealing with houses etc. When I saw that she had called him I freaked out and wanted to know why. The answer was that on this day my son had played with their daughter so she had phoned them about this. I apologized for this, but I know I was LBing BIG TIME.<BR>Isn't it typical that my son and their daughter would decide to play with eachother just after I had started PLAN A? They haven't played with eachother the whole winter season.<P>Just continue to PLAN A as hard as you can (avoiding Love Busters and meeting emotional needs). That's what I'm currently doing, and even if I can't see any changes yet I still think it easens my depressions since at least I feel that I'm doing something right.<BR>

az allison,<P> Sounds A LOT like how my wifes affair got started. They talked about OUR marriage problems (I NOW BELIEVE THIS TO BE THE BIGGEST TABOUT GOING !!!!!). He may honestly think that this is innocent but you'll find a lot of examples of why it isn't.<P> You marriage is between you and your husband not anyone else. As far as this message board goes, we don't know who is who here and this protects us from these problems.<P> You do have a lot to be concerned about. You do have the right to blow up. KEEP HIM HONEST, KEEP HIM STRAIGHT. I once lost it with my wife and called her on her cell phone when she was "GOING FOR A RIDE TO HELP HER THINK", at the time I got hell for doing this but guess what ????<P><BR>SHE WAS WITH HIM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P> I don't fight hard enough to prevent what happened in my marriage so my advice is fight for yours. Explain the pain it causes that he has to talk to another woman about your problems.<P>Good Luck<BR>Joe

It has to stop before it does go into something else. Remember the policy of joint agreement, don't do anything that you don't both agree on 100%. If he refuses to follow I'd do something drastic. I think back now and wish I had walked out on my H, maybe he would've continued on his merry cheating way, but for how long before he missed his family. I really think he would've come around and if not I wouldn't be going thru this w/him now. These plutonic relatioonships destroy marriage relationships. Do something now, ask a counselor or something before it's to late.

Of course your H's friendship is inappropriate at best and dangerous at worst.<P>However, at this point no amount of educating him is going to work.<P>You are right, but even if that "should" bring about a change in attitude and actions, in this case what you are doing is not having the desired effect, right or not.<P>You have both settled into a dance, with both of you knowing your steps all too well.<P>Although it takes two to restore a marriage, it only takes one to change the dance step.<P>Consider reading Divorce Busting by Michele Werner Davis? (I think that's right) or Susan Page's How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together.<P>I believe in situations like yours they may augment Plan A.<P>When one makes changes in the relationship, the relationship can not help but be changed.<P>Right now if you are a self described "crazy lady" in your approach to this...that is your dance step, so to speak. And your step is probably driving him (in his own mind) away from intimacy with you, which leaves him even more vunerable to her. His dance step is to be defensive and withdraw and use your own actions as his justifications.<P>You can't make him change his dance step while you are still dancing yours...but if you consistantly change yours, he won't be able to dance alone.<P>Not fair...but the truth.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Each and every one of your posts have been read and re-read by me. They were all so very helpful. <P>Getting Better: Thank you so much. I am confused about which direction to go here and since reading your post I feel much better. I feel so much relief after reading it.<P>Scandanavian: I am so glad I'm not the only one that does this stuff! I read all about the right things to do then...WHAM...go a little nutso sometimes. Thank you for making me feel like I'm not the only one that messes this Plan A thing up.<P>Brknhrt: I took your words to heart. I feel less afraid to make a drastic move if I have to. Great advice..thank you.<P>Faith, Hope, Love: OK, do you have a video camera in my house? lol. The dance is almost a comfortable, but painful habit. You are right...we both know the steps way too well. Think I'll learn a little two-step and give myself a whirl around the dance floor. Thank you for caring enough to write.<P>I'm learning from you all and it feels great.<BR>

az allison,<P> As I reread mine I can just how big the chip is on my shoulders, so let me add to it.<P> I agree a lot with what FHL has to say. I know you love to go off and put him though the wall right now and knock some sense into him BUT DON'T PUSH HIM INTO THE OTHER THE OW'S ARMS DOING IT. I had to learn to let my fustrations out else where so I could approach her without anger. I still you feel you have the right to express yourself just be careful not to push him away doing it.<P> I don't know if it's any help but I didn't talk much to my wife in recent years because I could carry on both sides of the story. Doing this only drive us apart. A woman can be very compassionate and understanding (I already can hear you), you want to be someone he comes to talk to. If your hostile me will not approach you. Like FHL said do the same dance as him.<P> P.S. Hit the wall does help I've try it many times, screaming does help either. You can kick the dog but they love you reguardless of what you do. YOU NEED TO SOMEHOW LET IT GO SO YOU CAN MOVE ON. I'm sure NSR is all there reading this thinking I should practice what I preach. I was able to do this in the beginning and it does work. I don't know what is currently going on but compared to where we were our marriage is doing so much better.<P>I being praying for you that you can find the will to somehow drop it and start rebuilding.<P>Joe

Getting Better...Joe<P>Due to your wonderful advice I will be kicking my adorable Llasa Apso in the very near future..nah, kidding.<P>But you're right, I do need to get out my anger and you're post gave me new resolve to start doing that in a constructive way...hmmmm I'm thinking I'll go put a few miles on the treadmill tomorrow...the dog will be so glad.<P>Thanks Joe and I'm so glad to hear things are improving for you and your W.<BR>

az allison,<P> I was thinking about you last night. I took some of the advice I had got here and decided that I once again need to drop my problems and let them go. I stop on the way home, got a card, a candy bar and some mints she likes. I then customized the card and put it where she would find it. She loved it and expressed that she was reaaly missing these little things I do. With 10 minutes we were fighting (more like a disagreement). I told her that I was feeling down and abandom (I sugar coated it BIG MISTAKE DON'T DO IT). Actually I have been going though anxiety attackes now for over a week. I didn't tell her but somehow expected her to know.<P> I found myself doing exactly what she complains about in me -- 'If you loved me you would know'. If there was ever a way to screw up a good thing I think this is it. She is wondering why I am missing the boat. I am wondering if my heart is going to continue to stay inside my chest. I get worked up because she doesn't see it, blab, blab, blab. This is a big stupid game that it seems to many of us get raped up in. I love her, she loves me SO WHY ARE WE PLAYING THIS GAME ?????<P> I read an article a while back that talked about how important it was that we be able to take care of our own needs. That if we hurt we should be able to take care of it ourself. It makes sense, everyone loves to be cared for but what happens when your partner is buryed under problems of their own? A relationship shouldn't start to fall apart because one party is preoccupied.<P> Look at my above story, if she could have accepted that maybe I'm hung up on something and working something out and she should deal with her own needs for the monent. If I could have handled the problems myself we would have better. DON'T GET ME WRONG a relationship has two people and they become one but sometimes things happened and side track us.<P> I don't like to admit it but I wouldn't being doing others any good by not saying that at one point I was so tried of it I though I should be dealing with my own needs and going down and pick some prostitute and move on. I was down and she was pushing me away. She was hurt and wasn't cuttong me any slack.<P> I believe both of us right now are tried and it gets hard to continue. If you haven't hit this point you will (I'm sorry to say). The bible has a part the talks about what love is and it is good. I will try and find it and I would suggest that you put it somewhere and read it every day. All it states is what love is and it is so true. If we could all do what is in this paragraph I think now of us would be here today. I'll try and find it for you.<P>

Got it,<P>It is from Corinthians 13:4-6<P>Love suffers long and is kind; love does<BR>not envy; love does not parade itself, is not<BR>puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.<P>Good words to try and live up to.<BR>

Getting Better,<P>My gosh, that is a beautiful verse. thank you for sharing it with me. If you need and info on the panic attack thing, feel free to aks me as I suffered from these for many years. With good therapy and anti-depressants I have gotten much better. I was almost to the point of agoraphobia for a while there.<P>Getting Better I am impressed that you know what you are doing to discover what things you are doing wrong. I tend to not accept any of the blame, it's his MLC darn it! LOL<BR>I will print this verse you wrote out and study it (and try not to say..."well he's not doing any of these things").<P>Way to go with the gifts for your wife. Even if you two were quarreling afterwards she will know you were thinking about her. I think I know what you meant though, when you said you were both tired to work on it. We are getting worn down, both of us. <P>Again, thank you for taking the time to post to me and for finding the lovely verse. It is about to be printed and kept.<P>allison

az allison,<P> Yesterday on my home from work I realized that what I am doing is no different then what my wife did. I came here looking for help. I did this knowing I shouldn't be talking about my marriage outside of my marriage. She started by talking to the OM I really felt guilty told her about this last night. I killed what was a WONDERFUL evening.<P> What I didn't realize is that she wanted my help. She wanted to deal with things between us. It was me that failed to be there for her. After thinking about it This is actually worst then what she did to me. She is there for me, she does love me, she wants to build a beautiful relationship between the two of us. It is now me who is screwing things up.<P> I do know I will be wrapping things up around here. I will be collecting my thoughts and putting it in a post. Harley has this rule about not doing something unless both parties agree upon it. I failed this rule. I do hope to lurk around an offer support but I will not do it unless it is with her blessing. I also know I will dropping the events that are currently going on in my life.<P> My wife is a beautiful, wonderful, caring, patience, passionate, an I could go on and on. I love her more then I have ever loved anyone. Last night the rest of the world drifted away and there was only the two of us. <P> You can get to this point, it is not easy, it takes a lot of work. From this pain you will grow.<P>Good Luck