So how I have drifted from my goal and path to recovery. I'm not sure yet why or exactly what is going on but in this last week ALL of you have put me back on track.<P>THANK YOU<P>NSR, thanks for your words of wisdom. Somehow I misplaced them recently.<P>Sobeit, thank you for providing me the insight I have somehow lost. I REALLY DO WISH YOU ALL LOVE AND BEST WISHS AND HOPE YOUR DAYS ONLY GET BETTER !!!!!! <P>Mitzi, I have been really intense here lately. thanks for pointing it out and pulling me back down to earth.<P>K, I find your posts to be supportive and helpful.<P> To everyone else GOOD LUCK and may the Lord bless each and everyone of us.<P> I just finish listening to the stones and these words seem to fit<P>"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you'll get what you need"<P> We do get selfish and that may have brought a lot of us here. We do get our priorities mixed up. I do honestly believe that for those who do try a high precentage will hopefully make it.<P> One more point, I believe we need to help others develop the confidence that affairs seem to distory. I had it for a while and things were GREAT but I've lost it here recently and this seems to have been the start of this last slip.<P>THANK YOU ALL<BR>

GB,<P>You are very welcome! But there's really no need for the thanks. Everyone who comes here deals with what's happening in a different way. Some show fear, pain, despair and desperation. Others show anger, hatred and bitterness. I've went thru all of these emotions in the 3 months I've been here. Right now, Im in the "indifference" mode. I don't love my H but I don't hate him. <P>But I still have days where if I saw him along the road, I'd probably run over him! LOL My newest feeling is to just cream him in court. Get everything I can from him by using any means I can (except lying). Just tell everything (and I mean everything) in court and hope the judge splatters him. I want revenge for the 10 1/2 years of hell he put me thru!<P>Hope you are feeling better and realizing what your goal is and how to work to get it!<P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

Hi Getting Better,<P>Boy, are you right! My self-confidence plunged to an all-time-low when I found out about my H's affair. Infidelity definitely destroys! I hope that I, as well as others affected by affairs can find themselves again.<P>Hope you are doing well in your recovery.

Mitzi,<P> I do understand the anger, How about this crazy idea that we shouldn't be angry. I beat the hell out the passenger's seat as I headed home last night. Then once my hands where hurting I decided it was time to pretend everything is wonderful.<P> Besides the desire to just say the hell with it and maybe hit her instead of the seat. I pulled myself together AGAIN went to the store composed myself and it worked.<P> I wish I could confince my wife that I need here to be always picking me up. She somehow stop and I fell. I made an earlier post about the need to heal our own pain, to mend our own hearts. I think NSR has mastered this. I WAS ABLE TO DO THIS FOR A WHILE AND IT WORKS. <P> Mitzi, find a way to vent your anger if you can't drop and maybe it will help. Once you finger how to bottle it up and send me some.<P>Notrust,<P> I realized last night that in the pass I really wasn't confident but what I had done was to say "what is the worst that can happen, be a fool, lost her". The most wonderful night in my 18 year marriage was a few months (maybe 3) ago when I was confident. At least that is what it appeared to be. I have learned alot in the last 7 months and one of them is to be confident EVEN IF YOUR NOT. <P> The last one that should be on a pulpit preaching is me. I do plan to start doing what I am preaching. <P> My sex life doesn't exist, But I'll make everyone a promise right now. The wife and myself are going out tonight and tomorrow night. I am going to be confident, I am not going to fear reject another time. I am sick of fearing rejection. WHAT IS THE WORST THAT HAPPEN.<P>I'll let you know.

GB,<P>I have so much anger but I can control it. Or actually most of the time I hold it in. which isn't very healthy but I have small kids at home and I can't take it out on them. LOL<P>I'm thinking about getting a punching bag and putting H's face on it and beating it until the stuffing comes out! I spend a lot of time writing things out and reading and posting here. I guess that has helped! There were times when I honestly thought I would go insane! <P>Keep beating the car seats!!!<P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi,<P> I just glad my car is 11 years old and she drives the new one.<P> I have thought about pictures on punching bags or how about a dart board. Mitzi, I need to spent the time and check out youe story as to why you have the anger but let me say one thing. <P> When my wife (or maybe it was me) had (actually she stills does) me cut off from sex I would start this little thing in my head about how bad it would be and who cares anyways. We have ways of justifing whatever we want in our heads and they are not really what we honsetly want. HELL making love to my wife IS FANTASY, I LOVE IT !!!!!! so why would I want to go and mentally blast her ? It was my immature or whatever way of dealing or not dealing with it. If we carry on mentally blasting the person we love we will end up destory something we actually want. BE CAREFUL NOT TO THIS. <P> When you put his picture on the bag hit it one time for me.

GB,<P>I'll give you the quick rundown on my life. I married my H when I was 20, he was 22 and I was 6 months pregnant. He beat me for the first time when I was 8 months pregnant. I've been physically abused in just about every way imaginable. I stayed with him for 10 1/2 years and 2 more children and it never changed. <P>He started an affair last fall and I found out about it in December. He left me and our sons on December 23rd. and moved in with the OW. Since then I have been verbally abused constantly and he quit giving me money 6 weeks ago. He hasn't seen his kids in 6 weeks but talks to them for a total of 5 minutes every other weekend.(He lives 10 minutes from us). <P>There is more to the story but it is basically small stuff. This is the major stuff. Now, why am I so angry at him? <BR>And I'm honestly only angry at him and the OW. I don't project that at anyone else. <P>Now I am ready to move forward in my life but I can't completely until I get my divorce. <P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi,<P> I'll get you the punching bag and the dart board. Do you want some boxing gloves or do you really want to feel him crumble under each blow.<P> Mitzi, I WHOLE HEARTLY AGREE YOUR H IS A <P>****ING *******<P> I'm sorry about the langauge but you don't hit woman. My first marriage my X had the affair right before my eyes in the same camp ground. I lost it big time and ended up hospitalize over the emotional stress but even when the $hit was really going down the only thing that ever happened was I slapped her with a open hand. That act alone was more then I could cope with. It put me over the edge and it was act that hospitolize me.<P> We have talk before about how I get passionate about some things. Panic disorder is one and THIS IS THE OTHER. <P> I also have a chain if you would to chain him to the bumper and go for a drive. A nice drive in the country is petty this time of year.<P> Mitzi, DON'T EVER ACCEPT THAT BEHAVIOR FROM ANYONE !!!!<P>I'll be praying that eveything works out for you <P>Joe<BR>

Joe,<P>I won't accept that behavior anymore! <P>I know I'm not rebuilding my marriage but I stick around anyway. I may be able to help someone else, and I may not. But I have made a lot of friends here and I have to keep up with them! <P>Plus the things that I have learned here can carry over if I ever get into another relationship. (I hope so someday! I'm only 30 and don't want to spend the rest of my life alone! )<P>Mitzi<P>P.S. I'll take the dart board, punching bag and boxing gloves!!

Mitzi,<P> You already have been a big help to me. One of items I forgot to mention is that FOR THE ENTIRE DAY SO FAR I'M NOT EVEN SURE I HAVE A HEART, NOT ONCE HAS IT SEEMED TO BE READY TO EXPLODE, NOT ONCE HAS IT BEEN HARD TO BREATH. It's great I do feel a lot better. I feel like I'm back on track. You have been one of the main characters in helping me get to this point and I thank you for that. I feel ready to take on the world with a fresh start. Today is going to be another one of those first days of my life.<P> I will let you know how it goes but I am actually excited about it. I am looking forward to spending time with my wife. I am ready to take on the world. <P> Maybe I'm manic depressive ?????<P> <P>Who cares<P> [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]<BR> <P>

Joe,<P>I'm glad I could help!<P>Have fun with your wife this weekend but remember to keep your expectations low. If you don't expect a lot, you can't get disappointed. (I know, easier said than done! )<P>And you do have a heart. Your just pulling yourself up where you need to be!!<P>Good luck,<BR>Mitzi

Confidence my dear, confidence.<P>My relationship isn't really that bad. I still get this you going right back to the way you were.<P>Well, it's been a long time since I have had the confidence I should. I have confidence to go out and have a good time (St. Patricks day I have green easter basket for hair all day and we had a great time (the old Joe never would have been that crazy).<P>Confidence is attractive. It makes people look so much bigger then they actually are. I can do this and I can do it well.<P>I make a living as a software engineer but I specialize in picking myself up off the ground, what one more time.<P>I'M GOING FOR IT. THE PAST IS THE PAST AND IT'S OVER. TODAY IS HERE AND NOW SO LETS GO HAVE SOME FUN AND ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY.<P> By the way, my wife was told by the OM that people never change and it would take an act of god to get me to change. She has already told him that he better start watching his back because god is busy and doesn't like ****heads bother with his masterpieces. I did enjoy that.<P>Joe

Joe,<P>I don't have all of my confidence and self-esteem back yet, but I'm slowly working on it. I felt like a complete failure before but not now. I know I'm worth something but I haven't figured out how much yet! LOL <P>I know for a fact that I've changed. I will no longer take things forgranted but even better, I will never be treated anyway but decent. I know I deserve more.<P>A quick question...Is the OM completely out of the picture? I couldn't remember if he was or not. If he is, GREAT! And you just keep being the fun-loving Joe!<P>Mitzi

Mitzi,<P> The OM is out of the picture. My wife does work in the same place that he does but he disgusts her to no end.<P> confidence at it's best<BR> <BR> Last night was almost picture perfect. I love this woman more than I think anyone can imagine. If this sounds like someone having an affair I am there and it is with her.<P> I have been doing something so stupid that it been kill the mode last night. I realized that coming here is not different then her emotional affair. I did end up telling her because we should being doing something when we both agree upon it. The bottom line is this. She was upset, The fact that I compared what could be called an emotional affair on this forum was very short sited on my part.<P> Before any of this happened it was me that she wanted to talk with. It was me that she wanted to work with. She was unable to get any form of help form me. In her dispare she ended up talking to this OM. It was due to the fact that she was back into a corner by me and nowhere else to go. It was from this that this thing grew. True, it was her choice but this is not what I'm talking about and that is all in the past and will stay there. <P> The big difference comes from the fact that I do have her to talk to. She wants to help me. She loves me. She wants to build a mrriage like we never had. My wife is a wonderful and beautiful lady in every aspect YET I FAILED TO BRING MY PROBLEMS TO HER. The major point here is that She wants to help me, she is there for me and I WAS NEVER THERE FOR HER.<P> The more I look at our relationship IT IS SOMETHING THAT IS BIGGER THEN ANYONE CAN IMAGE. IT IS LIKE THE HIGH OF AN AFFAIR ONLY BETTER IT IS WITH THE ONE I LOVE, IT IS WITH THE ONE WHO FOR ALMOST 20 YEARS NOW HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME.<P> I DON'T KNOW HOW I CAN EXPRESS THIS TO HER BUT I LOVE TRYING AND I'M GOING TO START PUTTING MY EFFORTS BACK TO WHERE THEY SHOULD BE. I do need to wrap things up here and stop bring my marriage problems here. I have a wonderful wife and I'M GOING TO START USING HER!!!!<P> Mitzi, confidence is a wonderful thing. I don't care if you do or don't feel confident, act like it, go for it, the world is yours grab it and go for it, your worth it.<P> As far as my future here is concerned I will stop bring my problems here. I think I have a lot to offer to those who are trying to find the strength to go on. I would like to offer encouragement to them. I will not do this without the complete blessing of my wife. I will not keep any secrets from her.<P> I am going to try and get my wife to logon to here and let her see what it is and what I have been saying. Could you please start a thread welcoming her and trying to explain what this all about.<P>Thanks<BR>Joe<BR>

Joe...<P>Just a thought or two...<P>Don't pressure your W into the forum(s) right away...<BR>...get her to look at the Home Page/concepts/articles/Q&A/etc. maybe even a few of the books... (maybe not <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... but how about...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A> (excellent coverage of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A>) or...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A>!<P>If she goes to the forums...<BR>...it might be a good time to go to the "In Recovery" forum first...<BR>...maybe less of a downbeat mood there?...<P> <P>Jim

Joe,<P>How could things possibly get better for you and your wife? <P>I agree with NSR. Invite her to see the information on the site first. Let her take all of that in. Then let her try the recovery board. Then later when she feels ready, maybe she can visit here and give some advice about EA's. If she comes here first, she might withdraw a little because there is a lot of pain here. It may cause her pain to see what affairs can cause and may slow down her part in the recovery. Does that make sense?<P>When she feels she is ready to visit this part of the forum, she will be just as welcome as you are. (There are a few couples that post here.) You will have to set up some ground rules about whether you read each others posts or not, but it can help if you go about it in the right way.<P>Take care and enjoy your wife!

I do believe the wife is doing good. She started to say something last night about the OM and intimadation. I was tell her that she was not alone in her feelings, that it was alright blab blab blab. Thats when I told her about this forum. I never get to hear the rest of her story but I do believe if she had a baseball bat it would be up his _____. Basicly I did abandon her, she was hurting, he was able to see a little bit on we were acting and knew exactly how to force his way in. I don't blame her, I actually do understand. I do know that she now sees that this SOB had it planned from day one, but that was are far as we have gotten.<P> Life is good, We are doing good. I'm just going to pass off last week as a brain fart and let it go at that.<P> I do know my days of bring my problems here will be ending. I have her for that and she wants this. We need to help each other better. We'll get there but I do want to help encourage those that think they will never again see daylight.<P>Joe

Joe...<P>Whoooooaaaaaa....<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I do know my days of bring(ing) my problems here will be ending.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...<P><B>NO WAY!!!!</B><P>You have a lot yet to learn...<P>Help in attaining <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>!<P>Working toward <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage/Recovery</A>!<P>How to really implement those <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>!<P>Go away... and say "I can handle it"... and we'll see you on the second affair... or your first!<P>The site has a lot more to offer than ending the affair...<BR>...remember... it's called "Marriage Builders"... not "Affair Enders"!<P>Please stay...<P>Learn by reading...<P>Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000025.html" TARGET=_blank>Books</A>... The inspirational messages on the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post!<P>There will be days in recovery that aren't so smooth... ask to vent... talk... or whatever!<P>Recovery takes time... and a lot more effort than you may think!<BR>...Really!<P> <P>Jim

Jim,<P> The problem becomes<P>Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse<P> I don't think the days of coming here will end just the days of bringing my problems here. I am collecting my thoughts together because I do have a post that MUST be written. Many of the people here find it hard to understand why it happened to them. The amazing thing is by coming here they are doing what most likely was the start of their spouse's affair.<P> In the case of my wife's affair we do have some special issues that have made the difference in how fast we got over this. She (we) were preyed upon by this SOB. He was in the position to see how our marriage was. For a good 9 months he slowly took the small cracks and worked them into much bigger problems. The fact that our communication was our biggest problem was what made it so easy for him. True, the bottom line is that it was still an affair and it has cause us some major league pain but she now sees how she was preyed upon. It took her 6-7 months to get to this point but his days have come and gone for good.<P> I got side tracked here. My point here is that she started by talking about marriage problems. I have seen a lot of people here that seems to have started this way. I have come to believe that if one had no morals this would be a great to hit on woman. I know I have found myself very concerned about Sobeit, Mitzi, Tootrusting and many more. If we know who each other was we could very well find out that we are setting ourselfs up for affairs. So for those who wonder why it happened all they need to do is look in the mirror. I know this doesn't fit all cases but an affair happens to many times because of the negelate we have done. You liked one of my quotes before.<P>If you don't have an affair with your wife someone else will.<P>As it turned out tonight SUCKED !!! things are not as good as they were. I know what the problem is and I know what I need to do. My heart got ran thru the bender one more time, the anxiety is back. The big difference is that I know who I need to talk to and deal with. I do think I will be bring up on question on a different post but you'll find I'll be polling the ladies for suggestions. <P>I do find this forum to be of value and I do not think that she will mind we reading and encouraging others. I'm not sure she will approve of putting our problems out to the general public if with the automame we have here.<P>Joe

Joe...<P>You're right...<P>"I'm not sure she will approve of putting our problems out to the general public"<P>A <B>very</B> good reason to not post your problems!...<P>But if you can stay for support... (annonymously)<BR>And give insight into your recovery...<BR>Great!<P> <P>Jim