I've been married for 18 years and I found out that in Sept, my H started having an affair with op that lives abroad....he said it was like being "hit by a truck... a mirror of myself, she knows who I am , someone I can be close to".. he stated that he has never been happy in our marriage.."a lie, from the beginning"..He states that he has resentment, due to... my temper, he sexual needs went unfullfilled,and he felt unappreciated. The thing is he NEVER told me and he has admitted that to friends and our therapist. We have two sons ages 14 and 17. <P>The last time I know that he saw the op was October...the op flew "on the spur of the moment to see me across the ocean" he is so taken back by this its unbelieveable... I know the op is my age and her H left he two years ago. My h and the op work in the same line of work.. I guess that is part of there intimacy... they have several phones calls during the week and card and gifts are sent back and forth. He says she "stole his heart, my heart is long gone and that I've never experienced these kinds of feelings before" (we dated 5 years before we were married)<P>I had my H leave at the end of Jan00... he called 10 days later wanting back.. he said he was making a commitment otherwise he wouldn't come back... but he needed 1-2 weeks to break off the relationship.... I told him I would never bring up thee op and would never thorw this in his face... he told me that it was the past and we we're moving to the future.....I noticed he was distant. so we got to talking and he told me he never severed the relationship... I was soooo hurt... I told him that I had trusted that he had taken care of thaat and he said "you never asked me"... I told him that was because I trusted his word.<P>Now he wants a divorce... he feels that things are too far gone,"torn down".. he feels shame, guilt, and that I couldn't trust him again... also he has feelings for the op... he can't deny. He cries when he talks about some of this... he also has stated, even to the therapist that is this relationship with the op doesn't work out, he doesn't care... he rather be alone.<P>I have committed myself to him on working on this marriage... I even asked him why he told a stranger that he was unhappy in his marriage and not me... he said that he didn't want to hurt my feelings and that he would have had to have told me that in the beginning.<P>anyway... I'm giving him his sapce and we go to marriage counseling this week again...He states that he doesn't believe in counseling, that people can't change their behaviors and that we would go back to the same old thing. He states that he is going for me....we still have intimacy, but states that his hearts not in the right spot... he also states that he can't look at me due to the guilt.<P>I'd love some advice and I really need all the prayers ... I've never prayed so hard in my life............<P>I've just read His needs/Her Needs... boy did I learn alot...One things is that, we have worked oppisate shifts almost our entire marriage..(thought it would be better for the kids... he travels alot, easier to work around schedules)<P>Thanks................s<P>

Dear Scoick,<P>Welcome! I think you will find great solace here in the fellowship of others who have endured similar heartbreaks to your own. <P>It sounds like you and your H have made major mistakes throughout your marriage. There are so many misconceptions that your H has right now, it may be difficult to know where to start. But don't despair, many here have overcome even worse obstacles to build far better marriages than they had in the past. If you would like to read my personal testimony, look at the March 19th threads for: "A story of hope... How I survived my wife's affair."<P>It's good that you've been reading His Needs, Her Needs. I encourage you to also read the Articles section on this site. There are so many things that you need to do differently from before. In a way, though, that is good news. If you were doing everything right and your marriage were still dying, that would be hard to fix! Given the mistakes you and your H made, it is no wonder you have marriage problems. But, change the behaviors and attitudes that caused the problems, and you will have a recipe for recovery.<P>It would be wonderful if we learned what we needed to know for a healthy marriage at the beginning, wouldn't it? Unfortunately, most of us (myself included), had to learn the hard way. But, contrary to what your H believes, people do change, dramatically. It is not too late for your marriage, and you have taken a wonderful first step in posting here.<P>I'm glad to hear you are praying. There are lots of things for which you will need His help. Please feel free to post specific questions as they come up. We want to help, too! <P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P>

Welcome <B>scoick</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>About your post...<P>Counseling can be a very good thing...<BR>...is your counselor versed in MB concepts?...<BR>...if not... you may want to evaluate if this counselor is really interested in building your marriage... or just giving you the "feel good spiel"...<P>You might consider a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>The book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> is bit more in line with the "things"/"skills" you need to work on once the affair has started...<P>Here's a quick link to BrokenButNotCrushed's post... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001445.html" TARGET=_blank>A story of hope... How I survived my spouse's unfaithfulness</A><P>Prayers are very important...<BR>...I think few can make it through this ordeal without them... (religious or not!)<BR>Check out ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/19991128-1-009772.html" TARGET=_blank>Forum for Power of a Praying Wife is up & running, Thanks Steve</A>…..Lor (Lor)…..11/18/1999... <B>and</B>...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=25&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Women's Bible Study</A>…..Lor (Lor)…..11/18/1999<P>My prayers for you! <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited March 26, 2000).]