I am totally confused as to the course of action I need to take,my H is still having an affair with Ow abroad and has shown no signs of giving her up(Discovery was last October).I know all conventional wisdom points in the direction of plan B,yet as many others here I am so scared to take that risk ,I love my H and cannot bear the thought of being away from him or disrupting our family even under the horrible conditions of infidelity and his vacillating between two women.(How pathetic is that?I am almost ashamed to say it)<P>There is a lot of varied opinions on this forum ,some say plan B is so much harder and it is best to stick it out in plan A despite the fact that it seems to give betraying spouse a carte blanche to go on with the affair knowing that the other party is waiting around regardless.That is why some people do not consider plan A at all.<P>I am now a firm believer that our betraying spouses go through almost identical symptoms while they are in the midst of an affair, whether they are male or female..They all talk the same language and pull the same tricks.<P>SO WHAT IS THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION? <P>For those of you who have been through this ,what are the best options?Most of us here are all in the same boat (ie suffering from betraying spouses,complaining about their insanity and hurtful actions )But we really need advice from people who have reached out of the tunnel .....

Hi, Sorry you're having such a bad time of it. Have you confronted your husband about the OW? If so, what did he say? Does he show you any more or less affection/caring/etc. since October? Sorry about all the questions, but I finally found out for sure about my H's affair in October as well. I confronted him, heard what he had to say, left for a few days, and came back--after he agreed to meet my demands. So far, the biggest problem I think we're having is with intimacy. We're seeing a marriage counselor, which has helped immensely to bring things to the surface that were/are bothering both of us in our marriage. Are you seeing a counselor? If not, see one--please! Not only as a couple, but by yourself. It really IS the best thing I've ever done for myself. If you answer my questions, I'll chat some more with you about my thoughts and see if I can be of some help. If you'd like, you can e-mail me at: neeki@midmaine.com<P>One other thing you might want to do is look at messages sent to the Forum by "Woozy," since she followed plan A and it seems to be working.<P>------------------<BR>Wounds within take longer to heal....<p>[This message has been edited by WoundedHeart (edited March 25, 2000).]

nabilqad, I don't know if this will help but I'll share my experience. I was blindsided by my H's sudden feeling of being "trapped" in nov. 99. Previously, it seemed to me in every way that he loved me and our family (2 young children)<P>There is an OP that he is having an EA I'm not sure if it was ever a PA. They went on a business trip together in nov.<P>After becoming insane myself I began plan A, which was hard since he became a workaholic (works with OP) and then moved out in Jan.<P>It was very difficult and he did every thing in his power to thwart my efforts.<P>I actually went to a plan B due to an argument we had. What I actually did was call his bluff or something that called a 180 which I read in Divorsebusters. <P>I relented due to sudden illnesses with the kids in which i needed his help and went back to plan A. I probably needed to be in plan a longer anyway so I think it was a better decision.<P>Plan B actually shook him up for the weekend that I did it. He then became nicer to me which allowed me to do a better plan A.<P>I think I am seeing some signs. Simply the fact that he is actually saying things like "I remember good times long agO" when before he was saying nothing but things that were mean or totally untrue.<P>Plus, I am noticing that he doesn't have that possessed look in his eyes as much. He makes eye contact with me more. He seems to feel more for the kids.<P><BR>He still says he is not himself and doesn't quite understand what is going on.<P>He is in counseling and I hope that that will help some. <P>I just don't know what is going on on the other end (with Op) because I don't ask at all. I don't even want to know frankly.<P>I do know this. I feel like I have to have some control also. I am currently making efforts to find a place where I can go with the kids and start a new life. (I am currently a stay at home mom and my profession would put me with "them" in this small town.)<P>I am planning to stay here and do as good of a Plan A as I can till next school year. THen I am going to probably move so that I can actually have a life. I guess that will be a plan B sort of. My H is going to have to come to the conclusion that he cannot work with OP and work on our marraige. <P>That is something I cannot help him with. He has to come to that conclusion himself. I hope he will realize what he is giving up but I will go on no matter what.

You may want to post a URL reference to this question in the "in recovery" forum. You'll find more success stories there. This forum has more people still struggling in plan A or B and have not yet moved into recovery.<P>If you don't know how just copy and paste this line into a new topic on that forum. Then people can click on it to get to your question.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001886.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001886.html</A>

You'll have to run to recovery to see my latest update, but you can classify us as a Plan A success story. (Although I was no where near perfect at it.) <P>It starts with a clear, non-demanding statement that lets your husband know that you feel it is in both of your best interests for him to discontinue the affair and recommit to working on the marriage. In "Lovebusters" Harley describes a seatbelt scenario that would apply. Basically you state your opinion and the reasons why it would be beneficial to him to make that decision. (kind of like writing a persuasive essay)<P>Then you go about meeting his needs. Everybody has a difference in tolerance on how long they can keep this up without their partner making the decision to end. In my case complete lack of contact didn't occur until approximately three months later, but there was a dramatic decrease right away. (I think he made the decision to walk away from her, but had a few slip ups do to withdrawal)<P>If I remember right the approximate time range for attempting plan A was set at about six months. That's not carved in stone, but you can use it as a guideline if you want. Plan B is a huge risk. Before you make that decision you need to be completely prepared for the fact that the marriage could very well end. (From what I've read, and my own intuition I think you pretty much have to determine the marriage has ended.)

This is an odd "success" story.<P>I stayed in Plan A (with a couple unsuccessful attempts at B) for 18 months. My H ended the affair several times, seems to have ended it for good now...but my lovebank is empty. He is now Plan Aing me.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10