Before I start again I want to thank all who have responded to earlier posts.<P>Well tonight my Mother-In-Law called to talk to me and ask if I had seen my W. She had not seen her since Sat. night and she knew she was with me Mon/Tues. I also found out she tells parents that she is staying with me more that she does.<P>My W's mother in law doesn't know what is going on (the OM) and I do not feel it is my place to tell her it is my W's. But it did come out in the open that she felt her daughter (my W) was with a OM. I discussed what I felt was happening as well. Never to reveal that I already know, even though she kept asking if I knew anything.<P>She asked if I would ask how she could help her daughter to stop what she is doing and talk to her. I used a lot of advice that was passed on to me from you very supportive people and some of it started to kinda make more sense maybe.<P>So, the situation with my W and her parents is that she will not talk to them at all. Her mother has asked her if there is a OM and she told her no and got mad. My W is never there and they don't know what to do either. She is gone every night staying with the OM.<P>What can her family do if anything? I don't see anything, it has to be her. But couldn't there be something?<P>One more thing, do you feel that the more she is away from me and with the OM she is able to draw away more? How can I stop or fight against that?<P>I still have a lot of hope, it keeps me going. My W's mother talked to me for over 2 hours. One thing I have noticed is "blood is thicker than water" and she had a sense that I knew more than I was telling, but I told her it was all an intuition and that it just made what my W was doing make more sense.<P>Thanks in advance as always...

Hi Caj1,<P>Last summer when my h left to move in with OW I was lieing to my h's father and step mother when they would call. I was always covering up as to the situation always hoping that he would come home. I was getting tired of it and his parents live about 2 miles away from us. I was never real close to them at all but that isn't even a problem at a time like this. His brother's would also call long distance so it was easy to say he wasn't around.<P>I figure my H is totally embarrassed by the whole situation that he got himself into. It was also embarassing for me as well. About two months after he moved out I went to see a counselor a couple of times and she told me it was not good to cover up for them at all. I took her advise and the next time they called I told them what he has been up to. They knew something was up since he was spending less and less time with his Dad throughout the proceeding year. My h would always tell me he was with his dad and he wasn't. I kind of felt relieved that I did not have to lie to them anymore and my step mother inlaw even gave me her support. That is hard to take since she is the reason for my h's dad and mom splitting up in the early 70's. His step mother does not really care much for my H anyway and told me to take him for all he's worth and could not understand at all why I wanted him back.<P>I told my H what I did and he completly understood why I had to do that and was not mad at all. My H ended up coming back in Dec, but left again for OW at the end of Feb. Now I am in the same boat. Since his family is afraid to call here they do not know the current situation and my H expressed the desire to come home again soon after his departure.<P>In my situation my H's step mother does not really care for either of us and his Dad seems to have not much to say at least to me. If your friendly with your inlaws and you feel they could be supportive and maybe try and talk some sense into their daughter I would tell them what is going on. Each situation and family are different so you have to pretty much go with your feelings.<P>They could end up being very supportive of your personal trama.<P>Good Luck with all, Pam<BR>

I asked my husband what he would do. He said he would tell them only the basic amount of information. No gorey details. Let them get it out of her.<P>I wouldn't tell my in-laws and either would my H. They would print it in the New York Times to destroy me. They are hateable people i am afraid to say.<P>Good Luck<BR>Mercy

caj1 -- I don't really post much much anymore, but when I see topics on thsi subject, I have to read them.<P>In my situation it was my IL's who encouraged my W to leave me. It was their interference which helped lead to my W having an affair.<P>With this in mind, I really am not qualified to offer advice. I truly hope that your IL's are able to help you in your situation.<P>God Bess

The last time my H moved out I made him tell his parents at least his dad and stepmom. It's really not their place to talk your W into coming to her senses. But you also shouldn't have to cover up and lie for her. I have been very fortunate my IL's have been very supportive and I actually feel more at ease talking to my H's stepmom than my own mother. As for my H's real mom I called and left my H's OW's phone number on her answering machine so she would know how to get a hold of her son. Which she did!! Of course it didn't matter what she said to him because he doesn't respect his real mom very much. You should be pretty sure that your W's mom does know what her daughter is doing. My mother knew something was wrong with my life before I ever told her.

caj1,<P>Hi, that is great that your mother in law is willing to step in. Mine stepped in all right, she encouraged the affair and welcomed OW with open arms. On top of it, he and I were friends for ten years. I can't think of any major disagreements, except once she took her son to Vegas, he and I never went anywhere like this, but I kept my mouth shut. Second time, she did it I got mad. Or she would ask us to go with her on our anniversary to the casino. I wanted a romantic evening without anyone.<P>Sorry, back to you. I remember when I fought that pull you are talking about. To me it was a losing battle. Remember when you were kids, and your parents told you not to do it? Well you did it anyway right? Thats the same thing with the affair. <P>I am not an expert, but it seems the marraiges that have the better recoveries, are the ones where the affair dies completely without anything major being done on the betrayed's part. If the wayward falls out of love on their own, this is much easier on everyone.<P>ALso, my whole family abandon H to try to help as well as out of anger because he too refuses to speak to them. However, I feel a lot of guilt that they are so good to me. I don't think there is really anything the MIL can do to help either. <P>I know you want to do what you can to stop this and it is SO frusterating. I remember those days. It was the worst time of my life. Hope and pray that this affair ends soon and Plan A in the meantime. Thats really all you can do without pushing the two closer together. Whatever you do,don't appear needy, clingy or desperate, that always makes things worse. <P>Good luck and prayers are with you<BR>Dana<BR>

CAJ1,<P> EXPOSE THE AFFAIR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TELL HER MOTHER EVEYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P> You do need to know that you get a top row position on her $hit list. You will be put into the dog house.<P><BR> Read my topic about Ladies, how do we make it exciting. You see that the affair by it's nature is a high that leaves us spouses with a big handy cap.<P> Maybe the thing to do is to plant enought info in your mother-in-law so that she can do a better job confronting your wife.<P> It seems that once an affair is out in the open it has a harder time suriviving. Do a little research on this one.<P> This is only an opinion !!!!!<BR>Joe<BR>

I do not agree that you should be the one to expose the affair to your wife's mother. It will make you look like the bad guy. It appears that your MIL has a pretty good idea that your wife is having an affair. However, in my opinion you should make it clear to your wife that her disrespectful behaviour in being with the OM is unacceptable. I believe in the "tough love"approach. She needs to understand that her behaviour will result in divorce. This is her choice. If you do nothing you are condoning her behaviour. Filing for divorce will create a crisis for her. That is what will force her to look at what she has to loose more realisticly.It will give her notice that you are ready to move on with your dignity intact if she doesn't want to be married to you.

caj1,<BR> After my W told me of her affair,she said she wasn't going to tell her parents,she was just going to move out.I told her it wasn't fair for her to dump the blame on me for moving out,so if she didn't tell them,I would.<BR> Well,it took her a few days to tell them,but she did.But not before trashing me for 3-4 days,and letting that sink in for a while.She knew she had to tell them or else I would,but I'm not sure exactly what was said.So when everything was out in the open,I talked to her folks on the phone,and casually filled in the blanks.<BR> They weren'y very supportive of me,though.My W did a pretty good job of slam-dunking me to her family.They are a judgemental bunch,and even though I explained what goes on during an affair,I got the"Oh,but this is different"speech.They didn't ask my side of the story,or even wanted to hear what I wanted to say.I did so much for her family the last 24 years,and I was cast out like Judas for something she did wrong.Blood is thicker than water.But,no,I don't think there is anything they can do to stop the affair.They have to want to stop it themselves.Hope you have better luck with your in-laws than I did.<BR> --Murph