Well it is Mon at 3:00am and I woke up as usual. My wife has now been staying with the OM for 5 days straight now. This was right after she stayed with me Mon/Tues and said on Thur that she tried and she still was not all there... <P>What is my W Thinking / Doing??? I posted yesterday about my mother-in-law calling. It is like she is running from the ones who love her. I feel it is shame and guilt that keeps her from talking to her parents but...<P>Now tomorrow is another day at work and I expect a phone call at work later in the day. I want to keep with Plan A but on the phone?? I am not sure of what to say? Should I let her take the lead? I can't ask her how her weekend was or what she has been doing? All she will probably want to discuss is what is going on with the new house to be done on Fri. Should I send her e-mails (eg) cards, poems etc... I was giving her flowers on occassion but she did not really want it I could tell.<P>Today I felt a little stronger but I was busy packing ALL day long (52 boxes). Now this morning I feel anxious, scared, etc... I fear to hear those words of "I can't do this anymore, I want (a divorce) out." My W cannot say "divorce" to me yet for some reason. <P>Have any of you felt this way about your marriage? Not knowing where your place is in your marriage and not knowing sure how to even implement Plan A anymore. How can I deposit love units into her love bank if she is so closed she won't let me in?<P>What is my W doing? Do you think I am still in her mind when she is with OM? Do you think she is really happy?<P>I know I have to be strong and think for the both of us to help my W through this and to reconcile our marriage. The problem is I don't how to act. I <P>I must try and get some more sleep before work tomorrow AM. Please advise as to what you may feel. Thank you so much as always.<BR>

I wish I could tell you what your W is thinking. My H is in a similar state and I have no idea what he is thinking.<P>My H lives alone. The OP is with her H, or was at least up to last week. <P>I have 2 small children. When my H comes to visit them or calls I try to plan A. As hard as it is I do not ask any questions about her or go to any topic about it (work etc.) This is very difficult because we talked about everything until she sucked his mind from him.<P>Take it slow. Do not push. Detach alittle. What I mean by that is to try to get out of yourself and look at it like an objective person would, not one who is hurting every second. I think that is the hardest part. It helps not take it personally.<P>Stay on the topics that she comes up with and try to capitolize on them.

tootrusting is right (how many times have I said that recently)...<P>Be patient with your love deposits...<BR>You may be thinking they aren't doing anything... bu they are.<P>If she doesn't like something you're doing...<BR>...stop it... it is becoming a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>. Remember... she sets the ground rules on what a love buster is.<P>This hard...<BR>During the salck time (when she is not around... learn about "marriage skills" from the books... or articles on this site!<P>I'm in your same shoes...<BR>...they are not comfortable in the least.<BR>But hang in there!<P> <P>Jim

Thaks you two for the info. I am sure I will hear from my W today later in the day.<P>I will post this evening please look for it <P>You all are in my prayers!<BR>

My wife talked about how when I did something she didn't feel worthy of it. This may have been what happen with the flowers.<P>I basicly agree with the others, you do not want to do any love busting but at the same time don't bless her actions either. You do need to be patience, so patience it will drive you crazy. You will get times when you can add just the right piece of info that will pick apart her affair (BE CARFUL HERE !!!!) this needs to be done carfully and if you can't pull it off as a nothing type of comment DON'T GO THERE. Don't attack her affair it will not work. Don't attack the OM it won't work. You can attack, carfully, something similiar BUT BE CAREFUL.<P> If you not not sure of what to do don't do it. I was able to slowly help my wife thru this mess. It was my honest (OK, I did have alternative motives) caring for her and helping her deal with her emotions for him that I was able to slowly pick it apart. <P> You wife is not ready to see the true yet and therefore she won't. Don't hold up a mirror for her to look into. Let others like the Mother-in-law do some dirty work. You need to be the saint that she comes to for help.<P> Also if you are not sleeping at night it is a sign of depression. Depression can get in the way you you doing some good things to help your marriage. Talk to a doctor they can help. If they give you anything TAKE IT AS PRESCTIPTED. I am to take mine twice a day. Last weekend and this weekend I missed the mid day doseage on saturday and sunday and for the second weekend in a row I'm down.<P>Depression will become an anchor that will hold back your recovery. You need to be 100% ready to handle anything. If your wife should come to you with tears about how bad things are between her and the OM you need to able to help her. This is HARD to do, but this is most likely how the OM got started. You will never find a better reason to be depressed then dealing with this. You will not be failing, you are not crazy. You will be making a wish choice so that you can better cope and deal with what is going on in your life.<P>Let us know if you are taking anything, it does help it really does.<P>JOe