Please read my post under Emotional Needs because I REALLY need some advice! I don't want to LB, but it seems I may have no choice!<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000619.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000619.html</A> <P>Thanks!<P>

tb,<P>It sounds like you had a busy weekend! I have a temporary restraining order on my H that bans him from coming over except for the transfer of the children. Yes, it is a LB, but if it protects you and your daughter it is an acceptable LB. <P>I think that these guys want to have their cake and eat it too. It is a real blow to their ego to "think" that you might be going out with someone else. I've noticed that behavior with my H too. It is "his" house and "his" wife when thinks I might be going out or talking to someone. The rest of the time (for the most part) I am the B***h! <P>It is great that you want to work on your marriage but protect yourself and your daughter first. <P>My H denies that we have a restraing order. Even went as far as to tell the judge that there was not a restraining order. The funny thing is, he won't just stop by of show up over at my house. Although before I got the restraining order he was over here anytime I wasn't home. <P>Oh, my restraining order is for both of us. He can't come to my house and I can't go to his except to exhange the children. This may be something you want to look into since he may not perceive it to be as big of an LB.<P>I don't know if this was much help. Take care and watch out for yourself.<P>Tulip<BR>

Thanks Tulip! That is a GREAT idea! Can I inititate the restraining order prohibiting both of us from contact? <P>Will that ever cause me to look bad? I mean like not be able to get a job because of it etc?<P>Sounds like our H's are evil twins. Poor us! <P>Are you still working on your marriage even though you had to get a Restraining Order? I am tempted to force him to file now. I know that is not what I ultimately want, but I am so hurt and angry. I feel like something evil is at work and wants to totally mess things up.<P>TB

TeddyBear,<BR>I think you should most definately get a restraining order. Your H proved he is capable of violence, and he gained entry into your home w/o you there. <P>I know that it's a LB, but you have to protect yourself and your daughter. Tulip gave good advice about it going both ways... that might help.<P>Good Luck, and keep us posted!<P>Thoughts & Prayers,<BR>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

Thanks Butterfly!<P>I appreciate all the input I get from you guys because you know what I am going through. <P>Still wanting my marriage, but torn between LBing.<P>Thanks again!

TB,<P>You should be able to inititate the restraining order because of the events of this past weekend. Of course, laws are different for state to state, but you can probably just call down to the police station and find out what is required.<P>It should in no way effect you as far as getting a job, etc. You may want to ask just to be sure. I would ask for a temporary order that will protect you for the time being. <P>I'm not sure and this may vary from state to state also, but if you both choose to talk to one another then that is ok. It prevents him from listening through your vent, etc. Then, if you call the police, he will have broken the restraining order and something can be done if necessary. Of course, this will also be the same for you. You will have to abide by it also. But then again, I doubt you are out there listening through your H's vent or starting fights with friend's! It has helped me keep some of my sanity knowing when I leave my house my H won't be waltzing right on in.<P>Yes, I wouls still like to save my marriage, but I have decided to proceed with the divorce since he can't make up his mind. Plus, I think he is playing mind games to get out of his responsiblities. I have basically started plan B again and will hopefully stay that way until the divorce is final. <P>At that point, if he is willing to work or the marriage I will discuss it wit him. At least that way I know he is back because he wants to be back not because it is cheaper for him than paying child support. <P>I think it would be a good idea to try and find out what your options are and then go from there. At least you will know the pros and cons.

The bad thing about me filing for divorce is that in Idaho, it only takes 20 days to become final. Not very long to have second thoughts.<P>I am going to take your advice on the temp. restraining order though.<P>Thanks again!

Why is he doing this? Does anybody have any ideas? <P>HE left ME...Remember??? He says he is NOT jealous. So why was he at my house in the first place then? He had no reason to be. <P>The hardest thing is not understanding this. Remember, there is no OW, so I am not even really in competition here with anything other than the burned bridges he has burned by telling his family members lies about me and trying to save face.<P>HELP!

Teddy Bear it sounds like you have no choice but to get a restraining order. You keep asking "WHAT IF" your daughter had been home. That is enough right there to let you know this man is NOT playing with a full deck right now. He has shown with the physical confrontation that he is capable of hurting those close to him without thinking rationally. He IS A STALKER and it doesn't sound like he see's anything wrong with what he is doing. Also, I would check that vent that he listens to, who knows what else he has heard through their, it obviously was not his first time since he knew he could listen to what is going on in the house. I think you definitely need protection for your child. LB yes, but i don't know of too many parents would care how much of a LB it would be if your children are being put at risk.

T24G -<P>I totally agree with you. It is just so hard because he was such a kind, sweet, gentle person before. He was also GREAT to my daughter and never would have EVER laid a hand on her even to spank her.<P>This is so irrational! I am SO confused! <P>He is obviously not the man I thought I married. I wonder if anybody else on the board has went through a situation like this and then had their husbands go back to normal later?<P>

I think in every relationship, when things are going bad, you will notice a side of your spouse that you never thought existed. I think they feel the are pushed into acting that way. EVERYONE has an ugly side, and when it comes out to the people that we love, they are blind-sided. BUT IT IS HELPFUL TO SEE PEOPLE AT THEIR UGLIEST. I say that because now you will always know what you are dealing if things like this come up again. When H and I seperated for a couple of weeks, i thought he would never try to punish me by using the kids. He wouldn't help me as far as getting the kids off to school and special events. (he has car, i don't). He was striking back with what ever ammo that he had, I didn't realize this until friends pointed it out. I showed him by buying my OWN car. It is a real HOOPTY (for those who don't know the lingo, HOOPTY is a BEAT UP OLD CAR), but hey it gets me where I need to go. As soon as he saw/heard about me taking the control he came back ready to seek counseling and everything! Things are going well so far, just hope we can take what we learn in counseling and CONTINUE to make it better.

I wish I could say that my H would come out of this after I was strong, but I sincerely doubt it.<P>I think that my filing a restraining order will be the last "nail in the coffing" as he likes to put it.<P>At least he put that nail there by his strange behavior. I have been on my BEST behavior since he has left. No angry outbursts, no disrespect, no judgment, etc. He has NO reason to do these things. His Dad even told him that. He pointed out that the reason everybody appears to be "on my side" is that I am not doing strange things like he is.<P>Do you think the restraining order could have a positive effect eventually by showing him that I am moving on and possibly scaring him? Nothing else is working obviously. I suppose I have nothing to lose.<P>TB