All hell broke out over the weekend. My H was screaming at me to not ask him any questions about OW when I was at his office, as if everyone there doesn't know what has been going on. I asked him what he was talking about, and he said that it hurt me to go with him and that if I was going to ask him questions I could not go anymore. The last thing I asked him about while there was where he got some pinecones that were on his computer, he told me that he had picked them up around there (his office), sometime later I was there and said, jokingly, that I didn't see any pine trees around his office. I think that if he has nothing to hide, my asking questions is no big deal. And I just feel that it is giving him a chance to be honest with me about things which he still can't do. I did recently ask him where he got a bird that was on his desk and he said that the OW had given it to him, I told him that it was inappropriate for her to be giving him things (this was after he said they had separated). Later he said that he could not find it, I had it and told him so, and he said that everyone had gotten one for christmas and that he found it again when he cleaned off his file cabinet. I asked him why he just hadn't said that from the beginning because that is NOT a big deal and he said he thought that it was not important! So much for honesty...But I guess if it reminds him of how he is hurting me it could be a big deal. Believe it or not after he stopped screaming at me we had a very constructive conversation that lasted on and off for two days. He told me that the OW doesn't and can't meet all his needs and that it might be possible for me to do that and that even if she were free they wouldn't be together as a couple. He also told me that he handled things wrong and that we should have tried to work things out and him not get involved with someone else while we were having problems. Then he asked me what I wanted and needed. I told him that I wanted and needed him, but that I could not share him with another woman. I did not tell him that he HAD to give her up, I just explained to him that I felt like the both of us had to be there for one another exclusively, and that I felt we could be what each other needed if we just gave it a chance. He is really torn, we have four children, a house, pets, etc a pretty typical family...and it means everything to him. He does not want to give that up but thought that it would be all right to spend his time with OW. I told him that if she is truly what he wants and needs to have for the rest of his life, I would make that sacrifice out of love for him and step out of his life to give him that. I meant it from the heart, that I love him, that I cannot share him with another woman and that if he wants her then he is free to go. The strange thing is that even with all the screaming at one another we did not really say anything bad, no threats, no blame, it was more just letting feelings out and I think a lot of stress. The resulting conversation was open and honest and I felt constructive because we were sharing things with one another, then this morning he put his arms around me and held me for a long time...something he has NOT done for months. Maybe he is seeing the light finally and it is dawning him the pain that we have been going through. I hope that this is the case because as I also told him, there is this void in me that is getting bigger with each passing day because he is not meeting my needs and I don't know how long it will be before there is nothing there any more. Not that the love and care are gone but that the ability to feel and share it are gone. I don't know if he feels pressured or that I am demanding things from him, but I try not to give that impression. I do need to let him know though what I am thinking and feeling, I just try to do it in a no threatening manner and try not to sound like I am blaming him for anything. What do any of you read in his actions? and am I doing the right things?

hi victoria,<P>your question is was going to his office and getting into an argument about the things she had given him a LB...i guess in a way it was, but it seems superhuman to me that a spouse could see those things and not question them.<P>Please don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like you are saying and doing the right things. At least you two are communicating and not in withdrawl. Withdrawl seems so much scarier to me. I did'nt read your history. Is you H still seeing OW? Was it an EA or PA or both?<P>I see he is asking you what your needs are. This is great! I bet there was a time when he was only interested in his needs. Maybe the fog is lifting for him. I understand the void in yourself that you're talking about. I've seen it happen here, at this forum, when the WS comes back and the other is just to depleted of emotion to handle any more. I hope you don't get to that point. It seems like the most helpful advice I've seen about this is when you're feeling that down, try to do something for yourself. Your H sounds like he's coming around, but still self-involved. Take care of yourself a bit. This is probably tough with 4 kids and all that goes with that, but steal a few hours for a good book, a long bath, a walk around the mall with a latte!<P>Patience is not my strong suit, so I hope you have more luck with it than I do. Sounds like you are doing wonderfully though. Keep it up.

Victoria,<P>Sounds like you're doing pretty good. Keep the discussions unemotional. Nothing wrong with sharing your concerns about the reminders and his attachment to them.<P>P.S. Please use more paragraphs - my eyes hurt!<P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23