<BR>I haven't posted for awhile; have been trying not to obsess about my situation (see profile), chill, and trust until I have reason not to. <P>However, recent events have pretty much confirmed in my mind that this coworker is indeed pursuing at least an emotional affair w/ my guy and that their relationship is closer than it should be. I almost feel as if she's now embodying all the qualities I used to have that made him fall in love with me, while I seem to have lost them; I'm freaked out by this to the point that I no longer recognize myself. <P>Instead of calmly Plan A'ing, I instead think about it constantly, feel her "presence" between us, imagine conversations and interactions between them, and am basically falling apart. Due to recent health problems, our sex life has suffered, and I'm depressed and much less fun to be around than she. <P>I really don't believe this will culminate in a sexual affair (she's his employee, and he's too responsible for that), but he doesn't see the inappropirateness of her "advances," nor their growing bond, nor its effect on me and our relationship (or claims not to, anyway). <P>I bring the subject up daily, question him constantly, and get into arguments with him about my not "trusting" him, in which he ends up defending her. <P>I know this is how NOT to do Plan A in four easy lessons, but I can't seem to get a grip. HELP!!!<p>[This message has been edited by quandry (edited March 19, 2000).]

Quandry,<P>When I saw your post and the part "hes too responsible for that" I had to post.<BR> <BR>My h WAS a manager where they work. <P>I NEVER thought it would/could happen. H said same thing. <P>He lost is position. He used to make approx. 6k a month, he doesn't come close to that now. One paycheck was around 800.00. BIG difference don't you think!! Thinks he may have to take money out of his 401k to pay bills, hes talked about filing bankruptcy.<P>Has it stopped him from anything? Nope, hes living with her. I would say be careful. Very Very careful. Never in a million years would I have thought he would risk his position (he has to have "status") well its gone, the respect of people he works with is gone. Will he ever wake up?? Don't know.<P>T

I'm saying I don't THINK he'll let it become physical (I realize it very well could); at present, I'm getting the "we're just good friends" bit and countering with, "TOO good," but the point it, even if it's "just" an EA, it's devestating me. I want to be his "best friend"; I feel (even when sex is good), that I have that part of him, and she has the rest. I need a strategy (not good at Plan A; I've tried, but am always knocked off my feet when her name comes up again), or is there nothing I can do but wait for the other shoe to drop? I know my present behavior about this is just pushing him away, but I'm scared to death. Can anyone offer suggestions?

It seems like our guys don't value our opinions, but they do value other peoples opinions.<P>This is an idea that just popped into my head, no documentation to support it. <P>Is there a friend that you could talk to? Someone who might understand what is going on and would be willing to get involved just a little bit? <P>If someone else told him that he was starting to look like a fool being involved in the friendship with the OW, it might sink into his thick skull and make him see the error of his ways.<P>I've often wondered if this happened, would it "wake up" my H and make him see what kind of mess he's involved in.<P>What about it guys? Do any of you think it would have opened your eyes if someone other than your wife would have pointed out that you was headed in the wrong direction?<P>Keo

Keo,<P>I wish that would have worked with my husband. His brother told him he was being an idiot and reminded him how lucky he was to have a wife like me and all that good stuff! Look where my h is now, living with the bimbo! It might work in some cases but I think that once the attraction and the addiction are in full force that it is a little hard to get them to think sanely! <P>I like the title of your thread, "Invasion of the Body Snatcher's." I would like to start calling my h "E.T." on this forum but I don't think anyone would know what I was talking about! Oh and he did phone home twice this weekend! Yesterday and today. I don't know about that man! <P>Woozy

I don't know. It seems like everyone in the entire world here has told my h he is being a fool and yet.....he still moved out a month ago saying he's confused.<P>Steve H. did say to me...if one person tells you you have a tail you'll say "i do not", but if 25 people tell you you have a tail you'll at least turn around and look. <P><BR>I think more than 25 people told my h he had a tail (i.e. was being an idiot). I think it at least caused him to slow down the process, because he started off being a runaway train. Now he is calmer, not rushing into D. (at least yet).<P>I am still having such problems with this whole situation. The title of the post says it all. I was just wandering around my house remembering how my H used to sneak up on me and hug me. He always held my hand. WHat happened.<P>It was so sudden. Seeemed so final. It has been the most bizaar experience of my life. <P>IT is like he snapped or something. <P>He still has very little memory about us. It is like the whole memory of our relationship has been wiped out. <P>Is this what guilt does to you???????or the fantasy?????????Sometimes I think I think about it so much that I will go insane!!!!

Too Trusting,<P>I know what you mean about thinking about it too much! I know I am obsessing over my situation right now too! <P>My husband used to come into the kitchen and grab me from behind and all those loving things. I loved every thing he did to love me. Then, like your h, he stopped. I think my h did snap and I think it is highly possible yours did too! It is so sad!<P>I just spent an hour talking to my mother-in-law. I told her my h seemed sad yesterday because he didn't get any e-mail. She told me his brother has given up on him. His brother told my brother he wanted to disown him for what he has done to me and the boys. He tried to tell my h he was crazy to do what he has done but it just didn't sink in for him. Anyway, my mil is going to have my h bring his truck down to her so that she can use it for moving. She then wants to have a couple hours with him to talk about our situation. She then let it be known to me that the clutch in her car is going out and she wouldn't be able to drive him the three hours that it takes to get back to here. So, me being the generous person that I am, offered to do it. I told her I would follow him down. She said not to do that. She said to give her a couple hours alone with him then I could come to give him a ride back. I don't know how it will all work out at all. I know my h is pretty willing to do stuff with me at this time. So, I don't think he would have a problem with me giving him a ride back. We shall see how that works out though. Hmmmmm...<P>Too Trusting, I sure as heck hope our h's get their heads out of their butts and wake up soon! They need to remember what it is they are missing out on at home! I think you must be special cuz I know I am! LOL! That was just a little ego lift for you and me! <P>Woozy

woozy, THanks for the ego lift. I don't know what it will take for these guys to wake up. <P>My h. is in counseling, but when I really listen to him, he still doesn't seem to get it. It may take awhile.<P>He will not tolerate ANY talk from family members, including his mom. He's also not really telling her the truth. He deny's his feelings for OP (she is still with H) yet her H tells me that they are both "enthralled " with each other. <P>I really hope the stats are correct regarding the approximately 6 month out of the fog deal. <P>But, I do know of situations where the H in the fantasy just kept running from the real issues. It seems like such a waste of a life.<P>It seems on the surface that my H would be too smart to let something like this happen.<P>But he is emotionally immature. I suppose prayer and faith and unconditional love are the order of the day. <P>As I've said before, at least we have each other on this forum, otherwise I would really have gone insane.

quandry<P>I would be careful with the we're just good friends line. Thats what my W told me for 3 months while she was getting physical with my best friend....BE CAREFUL!!!!!!!

My H said we are just good friends, then he said it was not about sex, then he said it was over, the he said ect ect ect.<P>I do know that she is divorced now, that they did almost lose their jobs over this, my H is the area manager and she is the human relation person. That he wanted me to lie if the company called and deny the affair and call it a close personal working relationship.<P>We are heading to divorce. He is in mid life crisis. He is not over her yet, but she has moved on and is dateing someone else.<P>If I was you, I would tell your H, we are not as close as we used to be and I am worried. I would really like to see a marriage counselor with you so we can become close again. Do not accuse him of anything. As my therapist tells me all the time, do not do anything to shoot yourself in the foot.<P>I wish you much luck. Oh and about the 6 months thing. It has been almost 6 months for me and the affair ended on it's own. She actually dumped him, he just does not see it. So I do believe that most affairs end on their own.

quandry,<BR>If things are as he says they are then he wouldn't get upset about your concerns. If he genuinely cares about you then he would actually stop because it is an issue for you. The negative response is a sure fire indication that he is not in control and is definitely headed that way.<P>I can attest because I have been wanting to talk with my XGF. She is not allowing me to contact her. I have decided not to go to our 20 year class reunion because I am highly vulnerable right now. I don't want my W to have to endure what I have been through in the last 7 years of my life.<P>Squelch it if you can.<P>MONDO HUG!!!!!<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

The stats about the six month time limit refer to minimums. <P>My H's affair has been going on for 17 months, and over a year since he left. It most certainly does not seem to be dying out. He is getting crueler and crueler with each passing day. But then again there is a financial advantage to him to stay with her, so why would it ever die out, unless she dumps him for someone richer, but since she is middle-aged with kids, she is not likely to find someone like that.

Moving this up in hopes of eliciting more feedback on it. I appreciate all the "commiseration" (there are a lot of us in the same boat), but I also really need some guidance; I don't know how to proceed here. Do I mention/ask about her? Act like she doesn't exist? Encourage him to talk about her? Act like it bothers me? Act like it doesn't? "Warning" him has proven totally counterproductive, yet I can't seem to stop. Help!

I don't see what is wrong with you bringing up your relationship and ignoring her!!! Detach from her and focus on the two of you.<P>Have you both done the EN questionaire? That may be a good place to start. Or maybe he could read some of the other Harley books. <P>I think you are legitimate in your concern. I think people do not realize that these things (esp. the addictive quality) can happen simply from spending MOST of your time with someone of the opposite sex.<P>I think that is what happened to my H and he just didn[t realize it. I didn't think it could happen like that either. I thought we had a pretty good marraige. But I guess sometime in the past year their discussions (at least hers) crossed the lines. She began discussing her problems with him. Her marital problems etc, At the same time she was doing a tremendous amount of work for him making his workload lighter.<P>They spent a lot of time together, even lunch. She avoided me. I guess she never wanted to get too close to me because she knew what she was doing.<P>My H had the opportunity to go on a really great business trip with her and boom.... that was all it took. Out of love with me,,, in love with her. I don't think he even knew what hit him. I know I didn't. Luckily, the fast moving train that he was slowed down alittle after he moved out.<P><BR>But we have 2 young children. I hope he wakes up soon. He is stil very confused and it is hard to do plan A when the spouse is not living here.<P>I would try very hard NOT to bring her up, but instead focus on you. Good luck

Those of you who are or have been in this boat, what action on my part would you recommend? I would like to be proactive rather that just waiting for the shoe to drop, but I'm finding it very hard to be light and breezy and act like nothing's happening when I'm living w/ a sword hanging over my head. I'm very self-conscious in our relationship now and know I don't act like I used to; I'm constantly thinking he has a better time w/ her than with me. He seems "all talked out" at night since he began working w/ her (I know they're both big talkers and are always together), and I just feel totally defeated; like it's already too late and I can't compete. What worked for you (or against you) in the early stages? I just don't know how to handle; I feel all I can do is wait and see if he wakes up in time or not. Constructive advice anyone??

I'd call one of the Harley's. I look back and realize my H use to tell me about the ow who admired him, what they said, I would warn him that they were being inappropriate and tell him to stay away. I've never been a jealous person, he wants me to be, I don't know what it means that he talked to me about several of them only in passing when discussing work, I was never to alarmed, tho't he had control, the boss and everything. I warned him before last job that w would find him attractive b/c of his position not just his self. Advised never to cousel, drive be alone w/any w. But alas hind site is 20/20. He did everything I asked him not to, tells me now tho't he could handle it. When I try to discuss this w/him doesn't want to talk about it, wondering if he purposely sought out time alone, their admiring comments etc. Co-worker told me he was the biggest flirt. Never saw him that way, he always has hated social thgs, new people etc. I'd get help fast. I personally might corner the woman and tell her if she ever talks to my man again, I'd make that movie w/Michael Douglas and Glenn Close look like a picnic. I've had it w/ trashy women coming on to my H.

Thanks for the reply, but I really can't tell this woman - who not only works very closely with, but also travels alone in a car and stays in hotels overnight w/ my man on business - to "never speak to him again." They HAVE to have close contact due to the nature of their work; that's why I'm feeling so helpless and am in such desperate need of CONSTRUCTIVE ADVICE. What, given these circumstances, can I realistically do to protect my relationship??? ANYONE??????

POJA, if it makes you uncomfortaable he needs to stop, chg jobs etc. I feel for you. I'm worried about possible future trips myH might have w/anyone. I don't know how you're doing it.

Not very gracefully!! I'm reaching the point of obsession with it, but can't get over the feeling that there's a threat. He just got this promotion after a long wait, is very proud of himself, and is not ABOUT to "change jobs," especially over some fear of mine which he considers to be totally ludicrous. So, GIVEN THAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE, what is my strategy???<p>[This message has been edited by quandry (edited March 23, 2000).]

If I remember correctly,you are not married to this man? Am I correct? What do you think he would do if you left? Do you think it would make a difference and snap him out of it if he saw he had something to lose over his inappropriate behavior? There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to change his behavior or point of view and absolutely NOTHING you can do to change or alter OW either. You will only frustrate yourself and and push him farther away. I would read Love Must be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. I used parts of it when I discovered H's affair and we separated for a very short time. Sometimes,what we have, is not very attractive until someomne else wants it. It might be an eye opener to him to see you developing the same kind of closeness to someone else as he has with OW. Then he just might be able to relate and see your point of view.