You people are all just incredible; thank you, thank you for your responses. I'll digest the info when I have more time; for right now, I had to tell you how nice it is just to hear someone say that I'm NOT crazy to be worried about this (although I am lovebusting to nag about it; but I knew this)!! Again, God bless you all for being here.

Troubling update: the POP (potential other person) has been out of town. After a discussion last weekend about my discomfort w/ the whole situation, I had asked him to let me know if they have any contact during the time she was gone; his reply was, "We won't; I see no reason why we should." (I concurred.) <P>I tried to be good all week and not lovebust, but today weakened and asked if he'd heard from her. After pretending not to hear the question (I asked it again), he admitted that she had called him midweek "to check in," which conversation supposedly led to discussion over an administrative matter that necessitated his calling her back and then her calling him back. <P>I lovebusted big time; felt hurt and betrayed (this is the first time he hasn't been totally up front w/ me about something, as far as I know). He reacted - not w/ reassurance - but w/ the pronouncement that he won't be grilled, won't be cross-examined, won't be treated like a child, and that his conversations w/ his employees are none of my business. He finished by saying he doesn't know how much more of this HE can take (LOL), and that if we break up over this, it won't be "her" fault, it'll be my own. <P>I feel so certain that his heart already belongs to this woman (he's obviously more concerned with her feelings and well-being than mine) that I can't even imagine being intimate with him at this point; I feel her "presence" there. We have fewer good times; more bad times. When I accuse him of being less affectionate, he blames it on my "obsession" with this; it may be that, or it may be that his feelings are being diverted elsewhere. Impossible to tell which; it's the chicken and the egg; a viscious cycle. <P>I don't know where to go from here. If anyone can help, please jump in, but it's looking more and more hopeless to me every day. <p>[This message has been edited by quandry (edited March 25, 2000).]

Please see update (didn't move post up, for some reason).

Quandry, Hindsight is definately 20/20 but to me you definately have a problem.<P>I wish I had paid more attention when my H seemed to be more concerned with her problems. I guess I was too busy taking care of all of our business and our 2 children. <P>I hate to say it, but you have to detach. You have to let him go alittle. Keep doing plan A, but truly Open the cage door, as people recommended to me. <P>Imagine this, My H of 13 years, with all of our history and our children and many other things that I won't go into detail about, telling me that SHe was there for him and I wasn't. He has defended her over me and his children. It is truly OFFENSIVE!!!!!!!<P><BR>I still seeth when I think of it. Your SO does not see the forest for the trees right now and unfortunately, you cannot make him.<P>All you can do is try to get him to fall in love with you again and then practice the MB principles. I hope I get the chance to do it. Keep posting.

Be very careful. He may be falling in love with her by talking about you and your relationship with him. TURN THE TABLES. Be the one he can CONFIDE in about his relationship with OW. If they are business partners there can't be all positive stuff. The more intimate sharing about her that he does with you the more love units you will be depositing. Also goes a long way toward total honesty! <P>Don't ever tantrum about her again. Just be SOoo sympathetic and understanding. A little bit of over-the-top sweetness may be used to point out the frailties of their relationship in a very back-handed way. I would just LOVE it if my H would talk with me about any body or any thing in the world. He doesn't even talk about me or him. Only his own needs.<P>Good luck!<P>------------------<BR>"A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us." Marvin J. Ashton

I used to read entries posted in the early morning hours and think, "These poor people can't sleep; they must really be in pain." Now I'm one of them!! <P>I've been afraid to reveal too many details (you never know who may be lurking here), but there is one pertinent piece of info I need to share to give those of you who are trying to help me a clearer picture.<P>She's recently experienced a personal loss; the sort of thing you're allowed to grieve for and which is readily recognized at something for which she should be pitited. Predictably, this has brought out all my guy's protective "hero" impusles (she even collapsed in tears in his arms at one point), so any criticism of mine now comes off as nothing short of monsterous, under the circumstances.<P>Further, as I eluded earlier, I'm undergoing some medical problems, not to mention the absolute anguish I'm feeling at the alienation of his feelings for me because of this woman. In short, I am suffering. But does he practically weep w/ sympathy for MY pain?? No, he reacts not by embracing and comforting me as he did her, but with anger and impatience.<P>So you can see that there's been an event which may have proven to be an impetus for both their feelings (which, at least on her part, were formerly seething) and which has also resulted in my being SO ANGRY AND HURT that I simply don't see how I can play it cool (be loving, patient, etc.), like most of you are suggesting. <P>What effect woud be achieved by withdrawing (on my part), because that's all in the world I feel like doing at this point?<p>[This message has been edited by quandry (edited March 26, 2000).]

Hi Quandry. Sorry you feel like things aren't going any better, but perhaps they really are.... At least you've reached the point where you feel like being the person IN control instead of the one BEING controlled. That to me is a step forward. If you'd like, e-mail me at:<P> neeki@midmaine.com<P><P>------------------<BR>Wounds within take longer to heal....

Not-surprising update: I learned last night that he has indeed been discussing our relationship and increasing problems w/ this coworker; possibly even sharing the fact that I'm suspicious of her. I told him he's crossed a line by doing so.<P>I've said such things before, but this was apparently the breaking point. He chose this time to announce that he can't take my nagging about it anymore, that my suspicions are "ludicrous" and "insane"; that I've become "weird" and am making him weird (when asked to explain this, he meant that he doesn't want to be suspicious of his coworkers; maybe some things I said hit home?). <P>In short, he dumped me. He ended our relationship after all the years we've invested and all the obstacles and tribulations we've endured and overcome. End of story. I'm numb.<P>My final question: was it because she came along and influenced him to do so, or because I couldn't handle it without lovebusting? Or both? And what now?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by quandry (edited March 27, 2000).]

Quandry, how are you doing?