I just got in from a night out on the town? I am no more puzzled than ever as to the direction my love life(if I get one should take.)_<P>I was out with guy who is in the same boat we are all in. His w left him with 3 kids after cheating on him the entire 13 years of their marriage. He is 30-32 yo.<P> He ended up the evening with about 3 different women saying they would call him tommorrow. I came home with nothing.<P>The differences in him, he went after every attractive woman he saw. He was wearing a leather sleeveless motorcycle vest. He is about 5'9 or 10" mand a rock hard 225 lbs.<P>I'm 44 , balding, 5'10" 190 lbs. I've been told I'm good looking and have been compared to Hector Alonzo , but less Latin.<P>This guy was direct and asked for woman's phone numbers and women seemed attracted to him. I don't think anyone really noticed me. <P>Do you woman really like some guy to hit on you immediately? And do you like the rough, tough look? This guy advised me to shave my head?<P>We went to a couple Gentlemen's Clubs, no while the woman were attractive, I just wasn't interested. My friend had a special friend there that he had met elsewhere, but she sat with us and danced for him.<P>Looking around, the other men there were all pretty pathetic looking. I didn't feel that way but if I would hang out there I think I would become pathetic too.<P>I did have a date with a nice woman 2 weeks ago but she didn't have a free weekend for another 3-4 weeks. I don't want to wait a month between dates. <P>A friend pointed out she is too good for me right now. She may be the marrying type, but it is too early to be thinking about that. So do I just look for the carefree type like my friend does?<P>He said that of the two woman he is dating the one just got out of jail, and the other is under house arrest. I guess both are "dancers" and the one had every part of her body pierced.<P>Needless to say, that scared the crap out of me!!!!<P>So now where do I turn? All the woman I met tonite were about half my age. And while they were very attractive to me, I can't imagine them being too interested in a 44 yo man. I guess I'll have to start flashing my child support checks around !!(lol).<P>Everybody says at church. Other than the widows, there are about 3 single woman at my church. I have looked at a larger church, but the kids don't want to change churches. The larger church has some divorced and singles ministries, but they are during the week and my weeks are full. Its my weekends that suck big time.<P>I hope this clears my head as I am clearly confused. My morals seem to be getting in the way!!!!!!<P>Bob<P><P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

Dear, Sweet RWD -<P>You crack me up!!!! LOL!!!<P>If you want to get laid and play the "game" then the bar scene or a gym is the way to go.......<P>If you just want companionship and a slow friendship type of thing then there are several other avenues to take.....<P>1) Church (but that's out for you.) or PTA's at school for the kids<BR>2) Any Clubs or Groups you may belong to<BR>3) Any Leagues you may belong to (sports, etc.) as long as their main thrill isn't booze for socializing!<BR>4) Take an Adult Ed class in a subject you enjoy or need to learn<BR>5) Personals (which are iffy, but depending on the provider of the personals can produce friends of like interests) Not the sexy or raunchy personals!!<BR>6) Take up new hobbies/interests.<BR>7) Do a search on the net for meeting people for recreational activities. (I found a good site and will have to find it again for you). You sign up and list things about yourself and then it finds people - of both sexes in your area that are also looking for others to do things with.<BR>8) Through friends and acquaintances<BR>9) Through work<P>But the best way to find someone is to just be yourself.....be secure in who you are and what you like and dislike. You don't need to fit a mold - on the contrary....molds are boring and a dime a dozen!!!!<P>Anything worth having in your life will come to you naturally....whether that is true friends or potential partners.<P>There are other things to do for a night out on the town......a nice dinner, a show, outdoor activities now that spring/summer is in the air. If your guy friends don't like or don't know any way to have fun besides the bars and chicks - then you need new guy friends!!<P>Or else you can lead them to other stuff!!! <P>Don't worry about your looks, clothes, etc......that is such phony BS!!!!!<P>Anybody worth their salt (male or female) should be past that high-school nonsense at our age!!! Been there, done all that!!! You know what I mean?<P>Time to try things that you haven't really experienced and would like to!! That's what having fun is!!!<P>You're fine just the way you are!!! These women that would be so affectionate or forthcoming on the outset have their own set of problems, believe me!!!! You don't need that!!!<P>Quite frankly, I can't stomach the fast talkers and the flashy "good-lookers"!!<BR>And call me old-fashioned but I don't dole out my number like a piece of gum to any guy that asks....and I certainly would NEVER call up some strange guy I met in a bar!!!<P>Give me a guy who exudes some sense of who he is, rather than a "show" and that will get my attention!!!! <P>Of course I say all this having been a married woman for the past 10 years!!! But I wasn't dead!!!! LOL!!! They came across my path and do now.....can't stand the type - never could!!<P>Well, all this is just my humble opinion of course!! You're a nice, intelligent guy and I'd hate to see you fall into the "games" that are out there.....<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Do you really want to look like a biker????<P>What is wrong with being a little bald. Good Grief, you are being too hard on yourself.<P>I think that Sheba gave you some great info. Just because it did not work out tonight does not mean it won't ever.<P>Besides do you really want to date or go out with some gals that hang out in bars? Are you ready for one night stands?<P>I do not think you are. What is wrong with having morals? I think it shows that you have alot of character.<P>I too will be on "The Market" so to speak. I don't know how I will handle it. I do not want any one night stands, I too have morals. But I do like to do things with people. I would not like going out by myself.<P>Listen to Sheba's advice. Do not rush into anything. <P>Hang in there!<P>

I think Sheba and my3kids gave you great advice. Be yourself. Don't try to fit into a mold that you can't.<P>You know, all off that seemingly exiting bar hoping, partying stuff is not reality either. At least it seems not for you. I know it isn't for me either (I'm 42)<P>Someone gave me the suggestion of finding a parents without partners group. Or a Separated/ divorced group. <P>At least it's a start in finding companionship with some people who have been through it and understand the differences between fantasy and reality!!!!!

Hi Bob,<P> Yikes, what kind of girls gave this guy their number? <P>I think the best way is to get the word out to your friends that you are looking and to keep their eyes open for you.Also keep going to those kids activities, (I've seem lots of single Moms there). Maybe, don't look so hard, just get out of the house alot,(coed sports leagues etc)and in time you'll know more people.Good luck, I'm glad to know there are nice guys like you out there!! LU

RWD,<BR>I got about half-way through your post and immediately came up with the following conclusions:<P>Your friend is using the "cast net" style of dating. He "trolls" for women, and throws out a cast net, maybe catching 100 women in the net. Hey, at least 1 out of 100 may be a good one. Do you really feel like sifting through the other 99?<P>I can spot a guy like this a mile away, and can honestly say it is a big turn off. I've been approached by many men who use this style. <P>I wouldn't say this woman you went out with is "too good" for you, but you are right that it is likely that she doesn't want to be used as rebound woman. It might be lonely for awhile. You can handle that, though. Sheba listed some good activities you can think about, to enjoy your life while you are healing. <P>You said you don't want to wait a month between dates. Why not? That doesn't mean you have to be cooped up. Going to Gentlemen's Clubs, as you say, doesn't do anything for your self-esteem. Your friend's "special friend" is a dancer. A woman paid to make men feel special enough to throw money at them. Pretty superficial. <P>I know it will be lonely for you, but you can get through that. It has nothing to do with the way you look. If you wanted an average or lesser than average woman, there are lots of those out there. You are looking for a special woman, and that will take time. Hang in there!

Bob,<P>First off, leather doesn't really impress me! LOL<P>I think that you will find that most of the women here like the same types of things that the men here like in a woman. I put the men here in a class by themselves. Whenever I start dating again, I would love to find a man who knew the MB principals. And was willing to use them. I'm going to be a 30 yr old divorced mom with 3 sons and I'll have to be a little picky! <P>I expect getting back into the dating scene to be a little frustrating. I'm not the type to go jumping from one man to the next. I want a REAL relationship. Not a trashy one. But I also don't want to jump into anything too quick either. <P>Be yourself, Bob! You will attract the type of women you are attracted to!<P>And there's nothing wrong with going bald. Look at Sean Connery. The man is bald and very sexy!! <P>Happy Hunting! <BR>Mitzi <P>P.S. I feel so weird giving you dating advice. Bob is my stbx's name! <BR>

Whoa!!! That's my advice right up front! I speak from experience...don't be in such a hurry to hook-up with someone. Give yourself (AND your kids) time to get through the grieving process and to stop feeling NEEDY. I don't know how old your kids are, but I'm assuming by your age that they aren't past their early teens?? My advice is to use this time to form a closer relationship with them instead of "looking for ms. right." When was the last time you and your kids went on a weekend trip and just had fun together??? Forget about "having" to have FEMALE companionship right now, let your feelings settle and get to know yourself AND your kids better. Give all of you time to recover. Even if you DID find "ms. right" at this point, how long do you think it would last with all the stuff going on in your head (and in your kids' heads, too)? Been there and done that...hurt some really nice guys, and got hurt myself. When I STOPPED looking and started really dealing with my feelings (about my ex, being alone, etc.), I found that I could really enjoy time alone or spending time with my girlfriends instead of always fixating on getting out there "looking for mr. right." I started jogging and going to an exercise gym. The exercise felt great, and I began to feel better about myself--inside and out. Oh, yeah, when I STOPPED looking is when I STARTED finding.... Life is funny that way, what is meant to be...will be. Keep your chin up, the lonliness will subside, I promise!<P>------------------<BR>Wounds within take longer to heal....

Bob,<P>Sweetpea is right about the "comb-over"<BR>If you do it, STOP and get a brand new hairstyle. There is nothing wrong with being bald!!!!! <P>Mitzi<BR>

Bob, <BR>First off, there are many women out there our age, who would love a wonderful, caring guy like you. I personally think that 44 yr old men are very attractive! Really think about the church thing...there are many great support groups in some of those churches. <BR>Check with your friends and co-workers. They may have ideas of women you would be interested in. <BR>One of the best pieces of advice anyone has ever given me is that sometimes things happen to us when we least expect it. Give yourself some time, it will happen for you!<BR>Sue<BR>PS Did you get my email??<BR><P>------------------<BR>Susan

I personally like a man who has a nice personality, someone who isn;t stuck on himself. I like someone who likes to laugh and can make me laugh. <P>The man I has an affair with has a receding hair line and keeps it military short. He is a bit chunky(which i like)not fat just meaty and he makes me laugh. He is 5'11 and weighs 190 lbs. You wouldn't know it.I love his voice. I am big on voices(nicholas cage!). for me there is more than looks to a man.<P>I think you have been given great advice! Good Luck.<BR>Mercy

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 09:09 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Well I'm feeling better this morning, its a wonder what 2 hours of sleep can do for you!<BR>I spent 2.5 hrs trying to get my d and her friends N Sync concert tix. Thankfully I couldn't get them, I don't think I stand to be around 20000 screaming teeny bobbers !<P>I called 3 friends to talk to them this morning. One was was extremely upset that I could do such a thing, he keep blaming the other guy for forcing me to go. Yea he really forced me, he asked I said yea and I drove. He urged me to call him any time I felt like I needed to go there again and he would stop me.<P>I then called my minister friend and managed to catch him at his church(and who says God isn't watching out over me).<P>He basically asked me if I had learned anything about last nite. I said, yes, that that is not the life I want. He said good. He said it is common for someone in my/our situation to experiment. The key is to learn something from it. His philosphy is that life is a series of trials and errors and to grow you have to learn from your mistakes. I believe I have done that.<P>Sheba,<BR>Thanks for the support. I was really feeling down this morning. I guess maybe I am trying too hard. I thought I was pretty well healed but apprently I'm not. I guess I should follow all that advice about waiting for 1-3 yrs before starting a relationship. <P>Here's my reasons/excuses/solution for recommendations:<BR>1:We discussed church above but think I will look into someothers to see if they have any singles activities. Also I hate meetings in regards to PTA's(I told you I had excuses, I just didn't say they were good ones.)<P>2: I don't belong to any clubs/ organization. I hate meetings!<P>3:I do play softball and basketball, no coed though as I am a sexist<P>4:Am currently taking microsoft word class. There is only 1 single woman there.<P>5 ersonal ads, always thought those were for losers. May have to look into(LOL)!<P>6:Is a good idea. Actually went to a health club to check it out. But with the kids spring sports schedule coming up, would probably not have the time, plus I like to be outside.<P>7: Hadn't considered that.<P>8:Am working on that.<P>9: I work from home, closest office is 225 miles away. I don't deal with many women through work other than a receptionist.<P>I am trying to work on new friends, except I do like the ones I have. Unfortunetley they are all family men except for this guy from last night.<P>my3kids<P>Thanks for the support. My baldness doesn't bother me as I have been this way since the late 70's. It never really bother me then either.<P>I'm not ready for one night stands, although it sounds good right now. You could probably count the number of one night stands I have had in my life on one hand.<P>tootrusting,<BR>I've only heard bad things about parents without Partners. I heard it is more of a meat market. I may still check it out.<P>Lu,<P>It was pretty wild last night watching that go on. Maybe the guy was lying to me pumping himself up, I don't know. I think I may have been trying to hard trying to prove myself that I am "healed."<P>I gotta run, have to feed one kid, pick one up and then help a friend move some furniture.<P>I will try to reply to the others later!<P>Sue, I did get your email, thanks!<P>Bob<P><P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

Hey Bob, <P>I'm glad you are feeling better this morning.<P>I must say that I find balding men sexy (no comb-overs though ). I want a man who is real... I mean, one that is comfortable with himself, and comfortable with me.<P>A guy friend of mine and his wife (whom I haven't met yet) have suggested I come up to visit them later this spring. They know some really nice single guys (I trust my friend~ he's known me for a VERY long time), and he said if I come for a visit, they will have a "party" so I can meet some of their friends. I personally think they are trying to get me to move to Denver. Danny has been trying to get me to move up there for years!<P>One thing about your friend and the 3 women who said they would call.... Back in college, I would say I would call, or give a phoney phone number to guys like that.... Just to get them to quit bugging me!! I don't like the macho act, just be yourself! Do you really want a relationship with someone who doesn't know the real you?<P>Good luck!<BR>Thoughts & Prayers,<BR>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

I don't know if this will help you much...but here goes.....<P>First piece of advice.... (my opinion only!) Quit hanging with that guy! Find other friends that you are comfortable with who are more like you to go out with. And be yourself! Don't pretend to be someone you're not. <P>Dressing like your friend... says to me ... "I think I'm pretty hot and you know that you want me and so does every one else in this club!" ICK ICK ICK! That might be attractive to some types of women... but I would rather see a nicely dressed man that looks as if he cares about himself and what type of impression he is making. <P>Like the saying goes... "You never get a second chance to make a first impression!"<P>What is it that makes you feel good about yourself? Find it... do it.... and gain confidence. It will radiate from you and women will notice... You won't always have to go to them.... they will start coming to you. <P>Smile... be happy.... laugh..... have a good time! If you catch each others eye from across the room.... acknowledge her with a nod or a smile.... let the rest happen by itself... you will know if she is approachable... if she returns the smile... keeps looking at you... etc.<P>Most women, with very few exceptions, still like being treated like a lady... having doors open for them... chairs pulled out for them... etc. Use your best judgement and don't over do it! She can walk her self to the restroom! <P>Women like men who are attentive and listen to them. Don't tell them you understand if you don't! They will know....<P>Ask questions about them... about their interests.... keep eye contact when talking with them! Keep any stories about yourself, quick and to the point.... unless they ask for more information... Don't be pushy... keep them feeling comfortable...<P>Being 44 years old.... is a privlidge! I'll bet you never looked better in your life! There is just something about that around 40 look! Mature... non game playing... experienced... <P>Besides the club scene, don't forget the sports or other activities of your children...good place to meet others... and the school probably has other functions you could attend besides the PTA meetings... They usually hold activites... parent night... carnivals... many other types of get togethers that you don't have to fall asleep at.... LOL <P>Good luck to you.... (Did I completely go off here? lol)

To all:<P>Thanks for all the support !!!!<P>The talk with my minister friend did wonders for me as well as your support.<P>I'm looking for different ways of getting out and meeting people. I will stay away from the "Gentlemen's" Clubs.<P>As for the hair, no I own't shave my head. I'm too conservative to do that. Also I don't do the comb over and never have!!<P>God Bless to all!<P>Bob<BR><P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

RWD,<BR>I don't know if this will make you feel better, but when I was in between H's #1 and #2, I dated two men who were about 40. I was 24-26. Big age difference I know, but looking back, those two men treated me so well. It may be no coincidence that the only men I've had troubles with were my own age or younger (H#2 was two years younger). <P>Your age has given you wisdom and thoughfulness those young pups can't begin to compete with. Sean Connery gets voted "Sexiest Man Alive" much more often than the Tom Cruises of the world. We experienced women know why

I'm going to give you the only good piece of advice my mother ever gave me: YOU DON'T FIND NICE PEOPLE IN BARS AND CLUBS.<P>It's a meat-market environment, and you're going to meet meat. <P>So what are your alternatives, especially if church is out? <P>Well, what do you like to do? Go on hikes? Movies? Rollerblading? Tennis? <P>Do a little self-inventory, then find something you like to do. Sometimes there are singles groups that focus on hiking, or movie/dinner outings, or dining around, or book discussion. Sometimes you can meet people just by hanging around others. Someone may know someone.<P>I think men, being fix-it types, want to cut right to the chase, and the bars and clubs are a way of doing that.<P>Better than bars and clubs are personal ads. Don't laugh; I used to do it. Place one of your own, and see what responses you get. Just avoid cliches like "Honest, sincere, attractive SWM, likes long walks in the moonlight, dining out, sports, blah blah."<P>You know what kind of ads used to intrigue me? The ones that said, "Surly, disagreeable, homely SWM, cynical, lousy sense of humor, blah blah..." Because they WEREN'T full of cliches.<P>BTW, you want to know where you can probably meet SCADS of single women? Volunteer at an animal shelter. Offer to walk dogs, or help potential adoptees. It's a great way to meet people, and animal shelter volunteers are disproportionately women.<P>But get out of the bars, kiddo. You won't meet what you're looking for there.

Well I'm pretty late to weight in. And I think you got the message to stay away from the bars.<P>I know you said your schedule prohibits it, but if you do the math, you might find the highest percentage of single like minded, shared value type women in that bigger churches divorce/singles ministry.<P>Being the mysterious man from the "other" church may even give you an edge not that you need one.<P>Seriously look how you could jugle your schedle to accomodate it. It may save time in the long run from pursuing other avenues with less results.<P>But probably when you least expect it...in the line at the grocery store...the gas station...one of your kids friends mom (single of course)...who knows...something will click and the opportunity will find you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13