Well, both kids are sick tonite. I had to go get my son at school today as he wasn't feeling well. He slept for 2 hrs and then seemed to be doing alright.<P>I took him to d's bball game(they won!) and after a stop on the way home, I ended up with a flat tire!<P>After I changed it, and got back in the car, my d said she didn't feel well. We got home and they started their home work. I took some things over to my neighbor and when I got back, my d was already in bed, at 8:30 no less. <P>I checked on her and she felt warm and said she was tired. My son stayed up to watch 7th Heaven and when I put him to bed he started complaining that his head and throat had started hurting again. A friend of his told him his tonsils looked bad, so that freaked him out.<P>I calmed him down, drugged him up and got him to sleep.<P>Then I realized that if they are both sick tommorrow I will have to take a vacation day as their mother is vacationing in the Carribean. She left Fri on the weekend she was supposed to have the kids and will return by next weekend when she has to work. She had told me earlier that she will have to work alot after she gets back to make up the time.<P>Well next week is the kids spring vacation, so I imagine she will be working alot and won't be able/want to take the kids. <P>So what am I supposed to do? Take more vacation ? I guess I could ask x's mother to come out and watch them for the week.<P>It just p#%^&es me off that she never even considers the kids at all. I think if she "asks" to see the kids I'll tell her no, that it isn't her day.<P>That should set off some fireworks!!!!! <P>Bob<BR>

RWD, <P>I'm right with you bud. It seems we are in the minority around here. Men taking care of children while the W is out playing! Truthfully, I wish I was in your situation. Mine is at home, but doesn't do much for the kids and no house work. She only came home because she was afraid she would lose custody of the kids in the divorce. Lucky kids, huh?<P>Brent

I hope that your children feel better soon.<P>You have been and are a wonderful father to your children, and I know one day they will have built on this superb foundation.<P>It is the resentment at the fact not that you are permanently "on call" for your children,this I know you would be more than willing and are willing to do, but that their mother is not there for them except when it suits her and since you do not want to damage the children's relationship with their mother, there is not much you can do in reality.<P>Is visitation worked out properly? Do not let her aggravate you (easier said than done I know...been there over and over again re this very situation...lol)<BR>What I would do if I was you is make sure that when it is not her time to be with the kids, that if she wants to see them, her plans go through you, without involving the children.<P>One thing my H did until I could no longer accept his inconsiderate, manipulative and incaring attitude towards myself and the children, was allow the kids to go whenever the whim got to him.....plans with friends were broken, arrangements for things that needed to be done for the kids were put on hold, etc, etc (he never has done any of the kids centred stuff that needs to be done) <P>The lawyers had to sort this out. Even then he did not "get it" in any real sense. He felt he could do what he liked whenever he liked. <P>Today he has the kids one night a week for dinner (he wanted them separately as they "fight" and convinced the courts this was the case!) and every other weekend after dinner on Friday until before dinner on Sunday.<BR>He convinced the courts that they fight so takes one kid on Fri night and another on Sat (I have to be "on call" always regardless!MAJOR resentment) and of these 2 weekends a month, he is supposed to take both kids togehter...which has not happened in the 14 months we have been separated!!! So again he gets what he wants...and I am on call.<P>Whenever he wants to change this, he asks the children...and I am put in a position of "controlling" In fact he now has the rule..if he does not call me , it will not happen. So I have after all this time been able to take the kids out of the equation. He just did not get this!!!!!!<P>I will never agree to his taking one kid for time on "my weekend" In fact it is not that I want to hold on to them, but a) this is the time when they are together as a family unit and live a normal life b) as teens they have a life with friends which does not happen when they are with their dad.<P>It is Hobson's choice...d@mned if you let kids go when it is not "her day" and d@mned if you do not! A conundrum I think.<P>I just wish that our children did not have to experience the uncaring, manipulative and selfish behaviour of their other parent. <P>Good luck....this is the most difficult part of the whole situation for me.....the children who have been so hurt. <P> <P>------------------<BR>

Hi RWD -<P>Sorry that you are left to handle the fallout of her mess!!! UGH!!<P>I would definitely ask your xMIL to come and stay if she wants...you need to work and that would be a great help. I am sure Gram's would love it!!!<P>I know that that is not really the problem - it's her irresponsibility that is not showing signs of improvement that is getting to you. <P>Goes to show that even after divorcing - she can't get her act together!! Fantasy Island or what? LOL!!<P>Don't resent RWD....feel sorry for what lies ahead for her. This is all going to come back at her one day. Wouldn't want to be her when it does. <P>You are secure in knowing that you have remained steadfast for your family. The kids see this and know who they can depend on. Take heart in that!! <P>As far as telling her no when it's not her day.....I like fireworks, don't you?<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Ok...I am going to be the bad guy. If she wants to come get them....you should let her have them. Don't do anything to jeopodize the relationship between them and their mother. In the long run...it will come back to haunt you later.<P>No...I don't always feel that you should just stop everything...change plans...and let her have them. But if she calls...makes plans...then let her.<P>I know....shoot me....but...I HAVE to let our girls go and he is very abusive to them. Nothing I can do. It is the law.<P>Our girls know what their dad is like....they cry about 7 out of 10 times when he comes. But I just don't want, years from now, them hating me because I made their decisions for them.<P>Sometimes...I have bended over backwards for him.....taken them back early.....not just hours....but a day....and a few times he has never picked them up. But it is his problem, not mine.<P>The girls are so happy when he doesn't come. <P>Like the post above....my H wants to sometimes just take our 7 year old. No way....he needs to take both. He has taken just the 7 year old but only for about an hour. He did this twice and I put my foot down. Hey I have to put up with their fighting....their problems...their homework etc. what makes him think that he shouldn't at least have to put up with a little too.<P>Plus...I need quite time. Now, I do miss them...week-ends are awful lonely. <P>Believe me...I understand how you feel. My stbx goes out drinking all week....takes off work to golf....runs here and there without the girls...only calls about once every two weeks.....it hurts. I can live without all of the stuff he does. I don't drink....golf.....take off work for "me"....or run around without them. I actually enjoy my time with them. I like them being around them and they like being around me.<P>Just keep remembering...they lose in the long run. But the children are smart cookies...they know. She could buy them the world....but they know what unconditional...true love really is. That is you!!!!! Just keep that in mind. It is hard....there are so many emotions involved....but the children will remember what you have done...not her.<P>Nancy

To clarify some points raised in Mental's post...yes, if it makes good sense for the children to go TOGETHER even at a time when she is not supposed to have them , then you really have no choice!<P>If H calls me, and there is no real reason not to agree, of course the child will go if they want to even if it is not "his day" <P>Of course when the child has told him "If you want to see me then, you will have to call mom, and he has told them "well in that case I will not bother"<P>Finally tonight the penny must have dropped because there was a message asking if d can sleep over on Thurs nite (she has dinner with him every Thurs and there is no school Fri) He calls only when he knows I am not home and leaves a message on the answering machine and always has one kid with him when he does this (all of 3 times in 10 months)!!!!!<P>

Brent,<P>I don't know how you can put up with her at home. I would love bust too much and would have forced her out. I simply told her she couldn't live here and date and she left. After she left the first couple weeks she jsut kind of tried to hang around the kids here and I told her she couldn't so it has been minimal visits since.<P>Willbok<BR>It bothers me that all she asked for in the divorce was minimal visitation, that being every other weekend and 1 day a week. Thats about all she sees them. <P>She will only take them 1 night during the week, only 1-2 times she has done that since last year. For the weekends, she usually works Fri nights on the weekends she is off so she picks the kids up on Sat and keeps them Sat and Sun nights and dumps them off Mon morning to catch the bus to school. <P>Last week she was off Tues and Wed nites, but because she had to teach a class Wed morning she didn't take them. She could have taken them out to eat or made them something but did not. <P>Then on Wed, she took them out to eat, brought my daughter back and took my son on another shopping excursion. The previous Fri she was off but went shopping(what else) all day and went out with om that night. This I know because I ran into them while I was taking my d to a movie. X saw us at the movie theater and dropped some stuff at 9:00 at nite that my d wanted and had called x at 9 in the morning. Her reply as to why she hadn't brought it in the morning was that it wasn't that important of stuff that needed to be brought over earlier.<P>In the 9 months she has been gone, she has only once washed their clothes, and that was what my son wore for the whole weekend, because she was mad I didn't have them ready to go when she came for them and he wasn't packed.<P>I also bet she hasn't cooked for them more than 10 times in the same time frame. And thats consisted of chicken and rice. This is even when she off the entire day before she picks them up after school, she still takes them out to eat.<P>At least I have a good reason to take them out, theres no time to prepare anything between the time I get home and they have practice, they don't like crockpot meals, and sometimes I'm just plain lazy(lol).<P>Sheba, <BR>I thought she would return to earth after the divorce, but since om is still married(i guess) the fantasy continues. Just wait till he tries to get her to help paint their new love nest. She whines and complains so much, I always ended up chasing her away as it was easier to do by myself.<P>I don't think I can feel soory for her. She has brought this all on herself. I can understand her divorcing me(I do?), but to walk away from the responsibilities of the kids. She thinks her 1-2 min calls to them everyday or so is staying in touch. She does help in my son's class everyweek, at least thats what he tells me. The thing is she acts like she is making some huge sacrifice and asked how come I never do it. <P>As for me denying her the kids, I probably won't do that. But I may string her along just to get a few digs in just for laughs.<P>Mental,<P>I have you in my sights !!!!!LOL<BR>Unfortunetly, you are right. The kids need o have a relationship with their grandmother, er, mother. So I won't be denying her access to them. I just may not be so fast to say yes.<P>Your are right about how it backfires on us if we deny or tell the kids how bad the other spouse is. I saw a film prior to the divorce that showed this happening. It was the kids real story. <P>When they were little, they weren't allowed to see their father, and there mother said alll kind of rotten things about him and if they did see him she grilled them about what they did. Finall he boke off conatct with them.<P>When the girls got older they started searching for their father and the oldest one found him and started seeing him secretly,then the middle child. When the mother found out she went bonkers and threw the oldest daughter out of the family and now no longer talks to her or wants her sisters to talk to her. The middle sister is still seeing both her father and sister. They are slowly drawing away from their mother and are seeing how bitter their mother is and how she will end up alone. <P>There was no reason given as to the reason for the end of the marriage.<P>I am also seeing this in real life with a friend of mine. His 21 yo son came home to live with him after living with his controlling mother for 10 yrs. He jsut joined the marines and is graduating from boot camp next week. He told his father to come down early as it is family day prior to graduation . He asked his father not to tell his mother as he doesn't want her there for that, just the graduation itself. <P>All this after 10+ yrs of her keeping the kidss from their father. She was the one that had the affair and ended up marrying the om.

You know what...I have said some "nasty" things to the girls about their dad. Maybe a handful of times in the last year and a half. But I don't really feel too guilty because it was about things that he has done to me and them. I don't call him names....I just have commented about things when they tell me what he said to them about me or what he has done.<P>It is hard....youngest had to be taken to the emergency room last September. I called stbx and told him about her before we left. Did he call to check on her? NO....Did he call the next morning....NO! I made up all kinds of excuses for him not calling. She saw right through them. Thats just it...we can say nice things...but the children know the real truth.<P>My 9 year old gets mad if I even mention that I still love him. She lectures me about love. Kind of hard to fight with a 9 year old who is right.<P>I try and try to be nice to him....give in....I don't contact him....I leave him alone. He just can't do the same...it is so weird.<P>I want him to have a relationship with his children. It hurts when he doesn't. It hurts the girls, so in effect it hurts me.<P>I don't ask them anything when they get home from being with him. They always want to offer though. Tell me some really wild stuff too. I always...and I mean always try to find something positive out of what he did with them...even if it was a weekend from hell.<P>And now I get to lose custody of them. It blows my mind. Again....just another thing he is doing to push his children farther away from him. He knows they don't want to be with him.....live with him. But he doesn't care, because it is what he wants that only matters.<P>Nancy

Nancy,<P>Will your children get any input into who they stay with in front of the judge? Is this what your stbx want to put his kids through? That is the main reason I haven't fought for full custody, I'm afarid the kids would have to get involved.<P>I can't believe your stbx would even want the kids as little as he has to do with them. If he some how does manage to get them, I would think he would give them back to you in very short order as it doesn't sound to me he is capable of handling them.<P>I never ask my kids anything either although my 9 yo volunteers about everything. My 12 yo doesn't say much, but knows a little more of the details my son misses.<P>BEst of wishes to you and God's Blessings<P>Bob

After reading all of your responses to RWD (and your's, too, RWD), I have to tell you what happened to me a long time ago.... My step-son was misbehaving, and so my husband and I sat him down to talk with him about his behavior. In the midst of the conversation, my H slipped and said something somewhat negative about his X. My step-son started SOBBING and said "My Mom always says bad things about you two, and now you're going to say bad things about her!" Well, I wasn't surprised about his mother saying "bad things," but I was certainly surprised that he thought we were going to bad mouth her. Rule #1 between husband and myself (initiated by me...) was: no matter how angry she makes either of us, NEVER say anything negative about her in front of "Jason." I figured he was having trouble enough adjusting to all the changes entailed from divorce (even though they had been divorced for 6 years) and his dad's re-marriage without adding to his confusion and unhappiness. I can honestly say that I NEVER said anything bad about my H's X in front of "Jason," and my H never did (to my knowledge) after that either. My bottom line here is this, he sobbed because he thought he would have to listen to us saying bad things about his mother--because he had to listen to her mud-slinging while he was with her. It was obviously upsetting, because he loved all of us and it hurt him to have to listen to her. I know from first-hand experience having grown-up in this kind of hurtful environment. No wonder I've had so many marrital problems! PLEASE REMEMBER, the memories you help make for your children now will remain with them as adults....<P>Sorry if I dragged this out, but I just don't want to see any more innocent kids get hurt. WE are the adults, and WE have choices...they don't. So if that means "shouldering" a bit more hurt or a bit more anger while the kids are around, do it--for THEM. <P>------------------<BR>Wounds within take longer to heal....