My wife had an affair 4 years into our marriage. I was a wild man; verbally abusive at times. I feel I caused her to be vulnerable tpo an affair. Since then, I tried to change. I wentt to counseling, etc. The overt angry outbursts mostly ended. But, I always felt ill at ease. Like I was never really loved again. (In fact, my wife hhas not said "I love you" in over 8 years.)That my wife still loved HIM. I tried to grow and mature. But, as it turns out she maintained contact with him through ther years (as I suspected)This culminated in another 18 month affair. Or, a 14 year affair depending on how you view it.<P>I feel like I really love her. We have 2 children. But, she just will not commit. I was also unfaithful over ten years ago. I told my wife about it. Ironically, that seems like a terrible thing to her.<P>Well, we're in plan A. I know she's in contact with the OM. I get all the typical comments. "I never loved you", etc.I am on Zoloft which has been a real godsend. But, it just seems so futile. I would love some encouragement.<P>------------------<BR>Surely goodness andd mercy shall follow me all the days of my life... Be strong and of good courage. Be not afraid. For god is with you wherever you go.

JB,<P>Hello, I haven't seen your posts for a while. How have you been holding up under all this pressure? <P>Do you think not being able to dump the emotional abuse on your wife is causing you to feel ill at ease, or is it the ongoing affair?<P>Does she openly conduct this affair? How long have you been in plan B, is it 3 months? <P>Congratulations on changing the negative behavior. That takes quite a sincere man to do this. I would imagine it will take her a while before she believes and trusts that you are very serious about your marriage, and are willing to do what it takes. <P>Don't beat yourself up too bad, that was the past. This is the now. The future is where you need to keep your eyes focused for now. Concentrate on your goal.<P>Keep in touch - don't be a stranger to the forum!<P>God Bless.

TNT, Thanks for the kind words of encouragement. I am holding up okay. I am glad I began the antidepressant though. It truly helps me.<P>No, the "emotional abuse" truly has been defeated. Mainly through books by Patricia Evans; and counseling; and probably traumatic shock! <P>It is the affair, and my wifes total void of love for me. The pain of what she gave/gives to someone else. Particularly the sexual evidence I've seen. The pain of her refusal to love and commit to me, while expecting something to happen here in our marriage to suddenly make he feel loving. <P>She "openly" conducts the affair, in the sense that she will not allow us to change our phone number. She will not commit to the affairs end. She tries to convince (herself and?) me that her affair has no bearing on her feelings for me. This is nonsense, in my opinoin! She admits keeping contact with him over 14 years!!!Yet, she expects me to function as a whole person. Verbal abuse or control is difficult enough to defeat in love. The good news is he lives a long ways away. Their affai was conducted by phone with 5-6 rendezvous a year.<P>We're in sort of a plan A, not B. We still live together.

JB,<P>Hi, I've also wondered how you were doing. You are one of the few and not-so-proud of us who have been on both sides of this coin. I did have a couple of quick questions for you. If your W loved him so much, why hasn't she left you for him? Is OM married too? <P>To me, it sounds like your W is in serious protection mode and refuses to allow herself to totally commit to loving you out of fear of getting hurt. So, from a distance, I think it has a lot more to do with fear than it has to do with how much she loves OM. Keeping him in the wings gives her a safety net. Someone to run to if need be. Sounds like she is holding onto the chance that you will revert to your old ways, and if that happens, she has her lover there to comfort her.<P>I really think that your diligence and refusal to revert to your old ways will make a difference. It's hard sometimes for us to forget how we've been mistreated in the past. Just don't let that bad guy rear his ugly head ever again. Maybe your W will begin to trust in you.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

New Woman, Your response was sooooo.... special to me thank you so much. It is so very encouraging I Will post a longer reply to you here soon.

JB -- trustntruth asked me to read this thread. She thought that I might be able to to offer some adivce to you.<P>Well, after reading your thread again (I had read it once, but didn't know if I could offer anything of value) I did notice a couple things which I would like to at least comment on.<P>If I read your thread correctly, your response to finding out about the affair was becoming a wild man (Did I read that right?.) If this is what happened, I don't know that I can fault you.<P>When I found out about my W's affairs, I was absolutely livid. I had several hours to "think" about what I had discovered. <P>Thankfully by the time my W got back home, I had reached a point where I did not explode. I remember being VERY quiet about the whole thing. I cried, but not as much as I did in the first couple hours after discovery. I don't know to this day, why I confronted my W the way I did.<P>If I misread you and you were abusive prior to finding out about the affair, then I would like to commend you for being able to learn how to control this. I know how difficult it can be to learn how to control an unwanted habit. (Hell, I still haven't been able to quit smoking )<P>If your W is still in contact with the OM, and especially if she is still actively continuing the physical aspects of the affair, then I would like to personally offer you my sorrow for what you are forced to endure.<P>In my situation, my W's physical affair had been over for several months before I found out about it. She also stopped the internet affairs immediately (at least I think she did) and to the best of my knowledge has not gone back.<P>This did not lessen the pain I felt as a result. I do not know what I would have done if things had continued. For you to have suffered through this for 14 years. . . I wish I had something I could say which could in some way take your pain away.<P>I don't know what else I can say, or if what I have already said has brought you any comfort. I believe that marriages can be restored after infidelity (I have too. I am here for the same reasons as everyone else) I know it takes time and it takes work. To me, the fact that your W is still in fact with you seems positive.<P>I wish I could have been of help.<P>God Bless

EMPTY SHELL, Thanks for the great comforting comments. I had a "control problem" when our marriage began. I erupted in angry abusive outbursts; 2 or 3 of which included "grabbing" my wife,squeezing her arm. This problem continued in me; but, without the overt angry outbursts, until recently. My wife had an affair in our fourth year. I discovered it and had one myself.<BR>

JB, I agree with Trust in truth but wanted to add another point. I myself am on an antidepressent because of some childhood abuse that I went through, so I know that they work, and most people think it's psychotic, I don't, I believe it's a chemical inbalance caused by not learning how to create that special chemical in your mind when you should have! (Just my own kind of witch doctory!)<BR>The point I wished to make is that you have learnt something very valuable from your past. To bury mistakes without looking and learning from them only makes rotting garbage, and doesn't make a solid ground for marriage. You are both trying right now to be as honest as you conciously can. I truly believe that if you W really wanted to be with the OM she would be there, but it sounds kinda like she wants to be with you and is confused and trying to express herself to you as best she can. <BR>I would look at this things as positive things and try really hard to look at as many positive things right now. It sounds as though your doing something I used to do and that is dwelling on the negative and not looking at the glass half full. <BR>Don't let things get to you, remember your BOTH making the effort in counselling to make something of this marriage and that is a commitment to you both!<BR>I'm praying for you!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

I'm nor sure if I can lend comfort to you, but I wanted to share a bit.<P>I was previously married to a man who was verbally abusive. I knew this before we married, but when I found out I was pregnant, I didn't feel I was strong enough to be a single Mom - ironic that I'm now a single Mom of two - one would have been a piece of cake :-) Anyway, we dated for a year, lived together for a year, then married for just shy of seven years. <P>Because of the verbal abuse my feelings for him diminished and I became seclusive and withdrawn. I tried so hard to get those feelings back, but I couldn't. I feel I did love him at one point, but the emotional scars that still remain with me just wouldn't allow for me to recapture our love. I finally told him I didn't love him and I stopped telling him I did the last 2 or 3 years of our marriage. I was totally void of any emotions or feelings for him. I finally became strong enough to see I was waiting my life with this man. I am not proud that I divorced my childrens father, but I know he would not have changed his abusive behaviors. He did become physically abusive 3 times in 1 to 2 weeks and we seperated at that time. <P>I feel terrible for my boys (ages 5 and 7 - I left their Dad when they were 2 and 4). My heart aches for the pain they must be going through.<P>I know that this baggage of abuse carries into the relationship I am now in and I struggle within myself everyday to rid myself of that. I fear that if I speak my heart and mind I will be critisized or yelled at. I force myself to open up, but it's not quite enough for my SO. He's aware of my baggage and he is trying to be supportive, but it causes some frustrations. We are in counseling. <P>I CHOOSE this man to be my life - I do not NEED him! I have never been so committed in my whole life. I understand what my commitment means - divorce will never be an option again.<P>Peace to all.<BR><P>------------------<BR><BR>~~ Lady K ~~<BR>