H says he wants to seperate,I am tying to meet his emotional needs. H first Emotional need is for a friend.It seems as tho other women is meeting this need.I am trying to meet his other needs.But he doesnt seem receptive.How can I be his friend when we have this issue between us (OW).I feel like we are not emtionally intimate. <BR>I have quit school, and now only work .This will cut down on his time he can speak to Ow on line.I am waiting for How H will respond to this.Will I drive Ow even closer, she has t<BR>alked of moving to this state.Will he be depressed or angry at me cause his on line time will be shorter.I am so depressed, H only stays because he works 2 jobs to pay the bills, and he cant afford to move out.Does anyone have encouraging words for me? <BR>bethn

Beth,<P>You may be unpleasently surprised by that fact that H's online time may NOT decrease. That's the way it was for me... My W not only increased her time online... but then got a second computer from the OM... and locks on the door so I couldn't see what/when she was doing what she was doing!<P>You say you're depressed... have you gone on any medication? It could help!<P>Hang tough on Plan A...<BR>...you can do it! <P>Jim

Jim,I am on medication.Tomorrow H and I talks to Steve seperately. I have told him I will the house so he can talk.I have an hour to make myself look decent ,and pick up the house before he wakes up.Trying to stay focused on plan A.My prayers to you.bethn<P>------------------<BR>

Beth,<BR>The best advice I can offer is to take care of yourself first! You can't let this drag you down too. I know where you are at and it is hard to deal with everything. I stalled out for awhile and then I did what I think everyone should do...I confided in a good friend what was going on so I would have someone to talk to, I saw my doctor who is also very supportive and gave me medication for mild depression, I started exercising and eating better, I started reading everything that I could get my hands on about affairs and relationships, I go to church every Sunday and pray for guidance, I started taking care of myself and made a point to do the things that made ME happy. I always made it a point to ask my H to join me so he would not feel that I was ignoring him, always give them a choice then the decision is theirs. My H was off in another world so there was really nothing that I could do to change him, he had to do that himself. <P>The biggest 'help' to me was to realize that the OW is really a lonely, unhappy, unsatified woman, it is her own fault, who saw how vulnerable my husband was and took advantage of it to make her feel better about herself. But in the end she has about destroyed him. Again it was NOT my fault, and none of this is YOUR fault, he made his own decisions and has since said that they were the wrong ones.<P>You are strong, you can get through this. I know you can. I was an emotional wreck for about a month after I found out, but things can and will get better. Once I started devoting more time to me instead of the thought of the OW I started to feel better and I began to see changes in my H behavior too. He noticed the changes taking place and when I announced on my 39th birthday that I intended to be the leanest, meanest, sexiest 39 yr old mother of 4 that any of them had ever seen and that I was sure someone would take notice eventually, promptly put on my black jogging outfit-sports bra, leggings and a white lace t-top and headed out the door, I think he took it seriously. <P>Also, be there and let him know that you are there for him. Don't be a doormat, I let my H know that I loved him and was there for him but continued to do my own thing too. That is all you can do until they realize that their behavior is out of control. My H may still see the OW at work, but his quick fixes no longer give him the pleasure that they once did because the reality of just how much he has hurt people has sunk in. <P>It just takes time, which is the hardest part. I just look at it as this...either we will survive this and come out with a marriage that is stronger and what we have both always wanted or he will leave...and continue to be miserable the rest of his life. And I know that I (we) could live without him if we had to because I have taken steps to insure that we have a strong support system whatever the outcome...again thinking about me and the kids....in the long and short of it...put yourself first for awhile, don't ignore him or the problems, but do things that make YOU happy. You will be pleased with the results no matter what happens with the relationship.<P>

Victoria,<BR>I have told a select few at work who I thought would support me.I do not go to church, but I have asked prayer groups to pray for my marriage. I would like to go to church, but Sunday morning is H's online time with OW,if I am here H will be sneaky and see if OW has sent a greeting card,but he will not chat with her in front of me.I am at fault for H's online affairs. I put my need for higher education first, neglecting H's needs.My love deposits with H are way in the red. I am doing plan A. Wish I would have had the book surviving a affair sooner.I did alot of angry outbursts as the extent of the online affairs revealed themselves to me.I would discover something horrible about H,and then a few weeks later discover more information about his affair,and so on.Each time I discovered something I flew into a rage. H seems to be withdrawing from me more and more.WE spent a weekend at hotel 2 weeks ago. I thought it would be a chance to deposit in H's love bank,it seems to have done the opposite. (I was very weepy,and this was a love buster to him I think)H says that he had hoped weekend would show that he still loved me,but he discovered he didnt,and on top of that he told me he is not sexually attracted to me anymore.ouch.Iam trying to be strong.My prayers to you Victoria.beth