I need an unbiased opinion. I have been married 20 years. 5 years into the marriage, my husband had an affair with a coworker.<BR>I was going to school, working full time and raising our child, so I felt that I had contributed by not providing the attention he needed. I told myself, once is a mistake-twice is deliberate. Well, a couple of years ago, I uncovered a cyber realtionship between my husband and two women in other states. My husband travels in his work and I found out that he had met one of them while on the road.(Neither lives in his work area).<BR>His internet soulmate had left her husband and child to visit her sister---stopping off on the way to meet my husband. <BR>Of course----nothing happened!!!<BR>I thought that my husband loved me and wanted to keep our family together, he told me he got off the net (for me)over a year ago. Monday I was told that his work has asked him to get an aol account by friday. we got into a big fight and now he is not speaking to me. he left for work (out of town) and did not call last night. I dont expect him to call this week.<BR>I apologized for the fight before he left, all I detected from him was hatred.<BR>I love my husband and would like nothing better than to have a good marriage. I have done everything in my power to make that happen, but I am beginning to feel that I am compromising my values and "looking the other way". I do not believe that God wants me to stay in a marriage with someone who is not commmitted or faithful to me---but I have no proof, only suspicions. I am not sure if those suspicions are only in my mind. My husband says I dont trust him and have not forgiven him. I have tried to trust him, but he does not want to be accountable to me and is often withdrawn and silent. Finding credit cards sent to his work address, 1-800 calling cards, hiding hotel bills does not contribute to trust.<BR>I went to the chancery court yesterday to get the papers to list our assests for divorce. I know this is not the best way, but I feel that I can not go on with this rejection and deception. We have two children (teenagers), and I know this would devestate them. I have tried to hang on for their sake. I know that God can perform miracles and I believe in the sanctity of marriage, but I dont know if I can go on.<BR>My husband makes 3 x what I do. I know that divorce will be financial ruin for me, and that frightens me.<BR>I keep thinking that God will not allow sin to remain hidden and that if my husband is having an affair--God will reveal it, but that has not happened. I did find the internet honeys address in our computer, but that only proves he is thinking about her.<BR>If I knew that he was involved with someone, I think that would give me the courage to leave. However, You would think I would have drawn the line a long time ago. I havent done too well with the "tough love" concept.<BR>I hope this is enough information for you to be able to advise me. If I discussed all the details of this relationship, it would take years! Suffice to say that my husband and I are both sinners. I have never been unfaithful, I have prayed that God would heal my marriage, but I am not sure it is his will. I have tried to be a good wife, I have tried not to make demands. All it seems to do is allow my husband to have his cake and eat it too. I feel that it is time for Plan B. I dont have any hope for my marriage. I feel the best thing is to end it and try to find whatever happiness is available to me after 20 wasted years.

Right now you are very emotional. First things first, God always wants your marriage to succeed. He hates divorce. Now, chances are that your h is hiding something. I don't think one uses calling cards for the convenience of them. What your h is hiding is very hard to say. Don't be to quick to take action. At this point is does sound like your emotonal needs are not being met. And they probably won't be for some time. You need to look at the Harley principles and see what YOU can do to make your h more happy. As unfair as the whole situation is, you are the one that has to start the process. The Harley principles are a great place to start. As an added tool, Susan Page has a book out called something like "How One of You can Keep the Two of You Together". Sometimes you need to work on your marriage just because it is the right thing to do, it won't be easy. Take care of yourself. I know how difficult all of this is. Rely on God to cary you through this difficult time, because you truly cannot do this alone.<p>[This message has been edited by Derby (edited March 29, 2000).]

Dear GodAlone,<P>Welcome to our forum! Most of us, like you, have been deeply hurt by our spouse's misconduct. Yet, we have learned that recovery is often possible, even where the conduct was truly egregious.<P>Not every marriage can be salvaged. But I agree with Derby that it is way too early to give up on yours. I have a few questions... Have you been to counseling (alone or joint)? What changes have you made during the course of your Plan A, and how has he responded to them? Have you given him any ultimatums in the past?<BR> <BR>From your post, it sounds like your H has had a separate emotional life for some time.<BR>It will not be a quick fix. But as you pointed out, you have 20 years invested in this relationship. As a fellow Christian, also married nearly 20 years, who learned of my spouse's long-term betrayal just this year, I can sympathize with you very much. As for myself, I decided to face my pain, head on, leaning on Him. It was the most difficult experience of my life, but I believe I am now a better servant of His for having gone through it.<P>Don't give up on your marriage. Come here often for support. We will help you as you walk this painful road. You don't have to suffer all alone any more. <P>BrokenButNotCrushed

Thank you for your reply Derby and Crushedbutnotbroken. It is so good to be able to talk to someone about this. I tried to talk to my minister when I found out about the internet affair, I think he discussed it with our elders and deacons. I am sure that he thought he was doing the right thing to have the elders in the church pray for us, but my husband saw it as a betrayal of him and will not go back to church. This is an issue between us, he says that he has no friends because of me.<BR>Yes Derby, I am emotional. I have no hope for my marriage or my husband. His anger and resentment toward me is unbearable.<BR>Crushed, When I learned of the first affair, I left. I was gone 24 hours and we did not get counseling afterward.(label me young and stupid). I believed he made a mistake and would never let that happen to us again.<BR>I told him if it ever did happen again, that would be it.<BR>When I found out about the internet affair, I asked him to leave----I "threw him out of his own house". After a week or so, we decided to try to make it work. But, he has never forgiven me for that. He never admitted to the affair---I found out by snooping. He would have never told me, but the fact that I went through his office to obtain evidence is another thing I have to live with every day. He does not not trust me because of this. <BR>I have read everything from Dobson to Harley to Stanley, etc.etc. I have prayed. <BR>But, it seems as long as I dont ask questions nor "rock the boat" in any way, we do OK. By OK, I mean no fights and my husband can basically do what he wants.<BR>I cant live like this anymore. I dont want someone who is more "in love" with strangers than with me.<BR>I have tried not do anything to antagonize my husband, and have prayed that God would change his heart. I know that nothing I can do will change him. I have given him to God over and over, but I dont think I can live with the hurt and rejection any longer.<BR>I am such a fool for loving someone who so obviously does not love me.<BR>Crushed, I have tried to make a life for myself and tried to do things to let him know how I feel---nice dinners, sexy lingere, weekends away---I have made a conscious effort not to look in his computer or suitcase for clues about OW. I have tried to have a positive attitude about him and our marriage. I have tried to talk positively about him to others. I have tried to encourage him and tell him how proud I am of him when he does something nice. (It's as if this praise falls on deaf ears) One tidbit of praise from someone else is worth more to him than a mountain of praise from me. Forgive me for rambling, as you can see I have not had anyone to talk to for a very long time. Thanks for listening.

Dear GodAlone,<P>Please don't apologize for 'rambling.' First of all, you didn't. You conveyed a lot of information in a short space. But even if you had, that would be okay. One of the great things about this site is that it provides hurting people the chance to vent their emotions to people they don't know and will never meet. This anonymity gives people the courage to express what they are feeling deeply. So when you feel the need, vent! <P>I am so sorry that your minister discussed the situation with others at the church w/o your permission. That was a betrayal of a confidence, and your H has every right to be angry. Unfortunately, it also provided him with a convenient excuse for not going to church. Someone who is leading a double life will find the bible, church and the things of God increasingly more uncomfortable to bear. Please don't blame yourself for the mistake of your pastor and the self-serving reaaction of your H.<P>It sounds like your H has substantially withdrawn from you emotionally. That is why he appears to not be moved at all when you praise him. On the other hand, he does still exhibit negative emotions strongly. That may indicate that he is still in a 'conflict' mode and that his 'taker' is in charge. If you are not familiar with these terms as used by Dr. Harley, please go to the Articles and Basic Concepts sections so you can study up on them.<P>One thing is certain, your H has a terrible problem with denial. He blames you for just about any problem he has. That can be so aggravating!<P>Your H needs counseling to overcome his emotional problems. In my opinion, you made two mistakes in this area. Years ago, as you know, you should have insisted on marriage counseling. More recently, though, I believe it was a mistake to take him back without clearly defined ground rules, such as counseling, no contact, etc.<P>It may be that you will need to transition to a Plan B to save your marriage. I would recommend spending awhile here, though, and learning as much as you can before you face that confrontation. Also, if you have not already done so, I think you might score big points with your H if you wrote a letter to the minister telling him that what he did was wrong, and asking him to send a letter of apology to your H.<P>If you would like to read my testimony, it is on the Notable Posts board, under the title, "A story of hope... How I survived my wife's affair."<P>Best Wishes,<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<BR> <BR>