<BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>A little background first. I have been married over two years and am currently separated from my wife (no children). I'm 24 and she is 26. A brief look at the issues (no special order).<BR>Constant anger of myself, friends or family (only directed at me no friends or family)<BR>Sex - About every four months<BR>Cleaning - she is a house wife and can't seem to handle it (housewife by her choice, don't think I made her)<BR>Cooking - I have had about 20 home cooked meals since we got married.<BR>Laundry - To this day I still do my own.<BR>Extreme anger when it isn't necessary. <BR>Hitting, throwing things, screaming at the top of her lungs over the slightest things.<BR>Not accepting responsibility for anything<BR>That was a brief look, I'm sure more will come up later. Things have been rocky since we got married. A week before she stated that she hated my family and never wanted to go to any social events after we were married. I explained that it wouldn't be possible for that to happen and she fought it with a passion. I thought perhaps it was just stress from the pending wedding. After a year of frustration and trying to work on the issues I got feed up and told her we needed to get some marriage counseling or we needed to split up. She reluctantly agreed. After a couple of months we went in and she had been making statements like "I'm only going because I have to". This wasn't encouraging. Three months into it the therapist recommended showing appreciation when I did something good. She flew off the handle and refused to go back. I suggested that she should try to find another therapist we could go and see. Two months passed and she hadn't made any calls. I told her either we needed to change things for the better or we needed to get a divorce. This turned into a bitter argument but she agreed that things needed to change. Over the next month very little changed. I suggested after speaking with her parents that we try a separation. She screamed and called her parents to come and pick her up. The next few days were stressful (not from her being gone) from the fights we would have on the phone. I told her I thought it best if we got a divorce. She called back two days later and wanted for us to work things out. Two weeks later I called after getting much advise and let her know I still felt we should continue with the divorce. She started to state why we should get back together and I let her know I would still have to consider it (confused). So, I guess what I am getting at is I don't feel like I want to give this another try but feel obligated to do it. I don't know if I even am capable of it, being so emotionally burned out. For the last three weeks I have felt much better with her not around. I suppose I am afraid if we get back together it will turn into the same thing again. What if it happens after we have children? Would we be better off splitting up now or give this another try? Should I believe that this time she really wants to make this work? Please don't think I am being one sided in this column I do have my own issues to deal with and am and have been willing to work on these. <P>Thanks to all who have listened and I appreciate it.<BR>

Dear John C,<P>Welcome!<P>From what you have shared in this post, it certainly seems that you have taken a mature approach to addressing your wife's serious emotional problems. That doesn't tell you what to do now, but everyone needs some encouragement now and then! <P>Do you have any idea as to the root cause(s) of her anger? It sounds like she may have been a victim of childhood abuse. Until you can discover the root cause(s) of her emotional problems, it is unlikely you will ever enjoy lasting improvement from your efforts.<P>Your next decision is a difficult one. Please take this counsel with a pinch of salt, as there is so much I don't know about your situation.<P>I would refrain from allowing her to move back at the present time. The pain of the separation is the best motivator to cause her to dig deeper to the root issues that plague your marriage. Remove the pain prematurely and she will go back to the same symptomatic behavior.<P>Since refusal to allow her to move back will seem harsh and will be received by her as a rejection, it is vital that you go out of your way to be extra loving to her during this time. This will cause her to want the separation to end even more, thus increasing the pressure for her to really open up.<P>Make sure you have a well-grounded Christian counselor to help in the process. NSR started a thread recently on this subject. Please review the posts there to better understand what I mean. <P>Lastly, and most importantly, pray. You cannot heal your wife. Only God can heal the terribly deep festering wounds that she has been carrying for a long time. God wants to heal her, of course, but He will not override her free will. Until she is willing to bare her wounds and turn to Him for healing, it is very unlikely that He will intervene. <P>I didn't notice any mention of an affair in your post. Has there been one?<P>I hope this helps you in making your decision.<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P>

Hello,John C,<BR> You've only been married 2 years,and she's acting like this?Usually it takes at least 10 years to get to this point.Seriously,it doesn't sound like your W is very mature,or was even prepared to get married.Sounds like she has a real anger problem.What was she like before you got married?Are you saying she hated your family BEFORE you got married?Didn't this bother you?In any marriage,you have to at least tolerate your in-laws(we always called it doing the in-law loop).It sounds like she wants to work it out,but you need to find out if she really loves you,or just wants someone to be there for her.<BR> Have you asked her why she responds to everything with anger?Does her family act this way?I have known some people who were like this,and sometimes they mellow with age,or they get worse.I don't suppose it would do any good to suggest anger-management therapy to her.But it's probably what she needs.You're right,you don't want to have any children unless you can resolve your issues.They're is no excuse for hitting,screaming,or throwing things.Only you can decide if this relationship is worth saving.Take care. --Murph

Thanks for the encouragment it is helpfull. <BR>To my knowledge there was no childhood abuse (only emotional - about the same thing I suppose). Her father is an alcoholic and was very lenient with his children. exp - If you come back on Tuesday thats fine just let me know so I won't worry. This was roughly when she was 16 or 17. She was often viewed as an outcast and had several failed relationships when I met her. <BR>I am presently trying to determine if a healthy relationship is possible. Given her track record with other men and myself I am finding it difficult to believe that she would be willing to change this quickly. She has expressed many times that she hasn't changed at all for 6 years and is proud of this fact. <P>In regards to allowing her to move back in, I don't plan on it in the near future, if at all. In regards to her digging to find the roots of marital issues within herself, she tends to blame others or not accept responsibility for her actions or in-actions. This can be very frustrating when trying to come to a logical productive way of dealing with the issues. It seems that it turns into an arguement before long. <P>On your comment about being loving, I don't know if I want to. Sorry if that seems harsh, I don't feel like I want to continue on in this relationship. Is it or could it be worth the heartache and struggle?<P>My wife isn't religious nor have any belief that may help her help herself. I know I can't change her she can choose to change herself. I hate feeling helpless....<P>In regards to an affair.. Not that I know of. And in turn I haven't either. <P>Thanks

Murphy,<P> Actually she has been acting like this about the time we got married. Mature?? Even her father states she is spoiled. <BR>Before we were married it was, well different. I suppose I should have seen it coming. Little issues here and there, nothing I was overly concerned with. Once I got married and we lived in the same place the true colors really come out. <BR>Interesting point - Want someone to be there for her. When she was dating the guy before me, I asked if you aren't happy with him why not break up. She said someone to be with and gets rides from (she doesn't drive, nor does she wish to). I should have caught that but was too in love to see the facts. <BR>Family, A week before the wedding this came up. I assumed it was stress or being overly emotional. This does bother me a great deal. For example - after every family get together, for about two weeks every day, I hear about it. This is a very hurtful and painful to deal with. I have expressed my discontent with this and it blows up into an arguement. If my family were crazy or wierdos I suppose I could in some way understand, but not tolerate. They have never spoken down to her, and have always been very supportive. I don't see how she got a horrible impression of them. <BR>Anger. While fighting I am usually calm and fairly collected. She is often angry and bitter. I often say if you are going to act like this perhaps we should discuss this at a later time. Also, I might recommend she try to calm down. I get accussed of not wanting her to have feelings or express them over that comment. There comes a point that expressing your feelings is counter-productive and hurtful. I have asked her to control her anger but says this is common to her, fighting with her ex-boyfriends was constant, so this is as she would put it "nothing". I don't believe she would agree to an anger management class. She gets most of these traits from her father (alcoholic). I don't think I want to wait for these behaviors to calm down, I feel drained enough just trying to cope with the attitude, I don't want to do it much longer.<P>Thanks

Welcome <B>John C</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <BR>It is mostly geared to couples going through an affair... but there are other references that are good.<P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>About your post...<P>You or your W may want to check into some of the anger management sites... like <A HREF="http://www.anger-stress-marriage.com" TARGET=_blank>Anger & Stress Management Communication Skills for Marriages and Relationships in Conflict</A>. My W has now become <B>very</B> angry with me... truly abusive... but I know my W's actions are "affair" induced! <P>The counseling post I made (BrokenButNotCrushed mentioned it) is at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001889.html" TARGET=_blank>Christian Counseling</A>... it may or not be helpful to your W (since she is not religious)... but may be helpful to you! Counseling is always a tough topic... there are so many <B>bad</B> counselors out there!<P>The best reason for not having her move back right away is that (from the sound of things) you can't control your own <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A>... until that happens...<BR>...it will be futile to have her come back...<P>Posting here... asking questions... how to stop <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A>... how to meet her most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... etc.<P>If there is no affair...<BR>... books other than the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> might be more appropriate...<BR>Like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>, and<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>.<P>Growing individually is a main point here...<BR>If you are unclear of what to do...<BR>...start out (if possible) in a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...even if your marriage won't work out... developing good relationship skill are important... and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... is just that!<P> <P>Jim

Dear John C,<P>The threshhold question for you to resolve is, "Do you want to try to save your marriage?" Decide this question before anything else. If the answer is no, then file for divorce without further delay. You're just prolonging the pain by waiting.<P>If the answer is yes, then you need to show her love, even if you don't want to. True love is not an emotion, it is a decision. True love gives, even when it doesn't receive back. I know that's hard, but it's the truth. Are you willing to choose to love a wife, who, for the present, is not capable of loving in return?<P>You are far from helpless, regardless of how things may look now. You need to sow seeds that will take time to grow and bear fruit. In your own strength, this is almost impossible. We are inherently selfish. We only want to give when the other person gives back. <P>Read through the success stories on this site. You'll find some at the Notable Posts section. Many of us have been able to do things that you might have guessed were impossible. Read enough and you'll discover a pattern. Those who overcame the most were the ones who relied the most on God to help them through. <P>From just your two posts, I can tell that you are (like myself) someone who really thinks things through. Has your journey led you yet to God? <P>In answer to your question, 'could it be worth the heartache and struggle', the answer is ABSOLUTELY. It 'could' be worth it. There are no guarantees. If you are able to find the strength to help your wife be transformed from the emotional cripple she is today into a vibrant, love-giving woman, wouldn't that be worth almost any price?<P>Hope I've given you some things to think about...<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<BR>

John C,<BR> You say she's been in several relationships with other men.Has she talked to you about these relationships,and why they failed?Who broke off the relationships,her or them?Do you think she may have a negative outlook on men in general?Could her anger be directed not only at you,but at the other men in her life? Lots of questions.You need to do some deep thinking before attempting to continue this marriage. --Murph

NSR,<BR>I haven't yet finished looking at the links but hope them to invaluable. I'll let you know<P>Brokenbutnotcrushed,<BR>You are very right, I have to decide if I want this relationship to continue before trying anything or giving mixed signals. <P>Being helpless- I feel helpless in the respect that I wanted to help her through the rough times and help her to a higher understanding, or rational viewpoint. As most guys out there know we like to fix things, when we can't or aren't able it is rather frustrating. I have my own decisions to make and know I can't make decisions for others. Perhaps helpless is the wrong word, maybe unable is more suitable. <BR>Selfish is a word that does decribe many people and in some cases myself. In my past trials I have always strived to take the high road. (I have to look at myself in the mirror everyday). In this relationship I have given very much and been extremely patient. There does come a point when you want some of what you have put in returned. I refuse as would anyone else in there right mind to try to fill a bottomless pit. In my current situation I would have to admit that I am probably being selfish. Not necessarily for revenge or punishment but for a chance at having a happy healthy relationship. One thing a good friend of mine told me "I insist on only healthy relationships". <BR>I Haven't gotten to the success stories but they may be encouraging.<BR>I myself haven't found god. As things happen with this it will probably happen.<BR>Having a vibrant love-giving woman. Sounds good. But at what price, sanity, dignity, and stress. It is something to think about. Maybe i'm making it sound more difficult than it really is.<P>Murphy,<BR>She has had about 10 - 15 prior relationships before myself. I have spoken to her about these in the past and they all turned out (except the last one)to be the other persons fault. Even though they broke up with her. One boyfriend actually put it "I can have a happy normal life without you". Sounds bad but it might be true. <BR>I don't believe she has a hatred of men, actually it is the opposite. she hates women. Maybe she is covering for her hatred of men by praising them them so much. She feels women can't do anything a man can do. At least not as well. For example she refuses to see a female doctor. Believes women are backstabbers etc. etc. (guilt).<BR>I pretty much know that failures in previous relationships are being taken out on me. I try explaining that I am not those other guys. This usually turns into "your just like them". Which in some ways I'm sure I am. I consider myself a good man and don't feel like a comparison between myself and her ex-boyfriends is necessary. <P>One other item in the list. She has been my first and only relationship. Puppy love? Perhaps I don't understand women enough? <P>

John C,<BR> Sounds like she is a Blamer(my W is that way,too).Why do you suppose she married you after several failed relationships?Was she tired of looking,or do you think she really loved you?Important question.You have to ask yourself why your relationship didn't just fail,too.Being your first relationship,is it possible you gave much more than the others?That you tried harder to make it work?Do you feel you gave more than your fair share-cooking,cleaning,giving into her ways?You have to realise that she is going to compare you to the other men in her life.But what I don't understand from what you tell me,if you're giving more than the others,why doesn't she appreciate that,and respect you?Don't worry about not understanding women,I'm 46 and I still don't understand women! --Murph

Murphy, <BR>I think she found me a little different than her other boyfriends, as I was new to the dating scene. I was so in love I would have done anything for her (including giving up my own boundaries). I probably did work harder to make it work. I also will concede that if we weren't married we wouldn't be together now. I hate to fail at something when I start it. In regards to giving into her ways, I suppose I allowed it to go on too long. I felt she needed time to adjust to the marriage, she doesn't change very quickly even when she wants to. I myself figured if she didn't have that extra stress of cleaning, cooking, laundry she might adjust a little faster. This I suppose was an indication that it was Ok not to do those things. A cycle which is as much my fault as it is hers. Good example here is a typical arguement over her cooking dinner. <BR>Her: You are never hungry so why should I cook?<BR>Me: I eat a big lunch because I know dinner won't be here when I get home. Let me know when you will cook and I'll have a small lunch and be hungry for dinner. <BR>Her: You forget i can't drive to the market.<BR>Me: Put it on a shopping list and we can go and pick it up ahead of time. <BR>After this point that I believe I have made a perfectly logical statement and conclusion it turns to babble and anger. I don't even think I could repeat it...<P>I don't know why she wouldn't respect me for giving more than her previous relationships. Perhaps I don't. It's possible I give less (doubt it, but it's possible). I provided a home, financial support, emotional support, supported her intrests, and a willingness to work out our problems rationally. I don't understand it. <BR>What I would handle: <BR>Working 45+ hours a week, Taking care of finances, Household repairs, my own laundry, Cat, All the driving, shopping (90% I went alone), helping her with cleaning when someone would come over, cleaning out the refridgerator, the list could go on and on. <BR>The extent of what she would do, Do the dishes once a week, take the trash out, have gift ideas for people. Does this seems uneven? Resentment is bound to come from this over a period of time.<BR>Being compared. I would probably do the same thing if I had more experience with women. <P>Do women understand women?????<BR><p>[This message has been edited by John C (edited March 26, 2000).]

John C, wow, you've been through the wringer here. And you have a right to feel, um, let's say frustrated to say the least? You have been the giver, she has been the taker the entire marriage from what you've said (have you read the giver and taker section of the website? Informing and helpful for sure)<P>Let me say that I've known someone who has acted as your wife is. She was engaged to my brother. It was a long engagement and didn't end in marriage, but it's scary how similar the behavior's are in comparison of your wife and my almost sister in law. I learned later on that she was never really told "no" growing up...her parents were good people, yet didn't give her boundaries, so she ultimately believed that her world was boundary-less (if that's a word). Your wife has many complex issues she's going to have to deal with eventually, anger being the primary one and respect for others and their feelings. Let me ask you, does she treat everyone like she does you, or is this behavior she exhibits just reserved for you?<P>Regardless, I would think that she would have to agree to some anger management courses and counseling before talk of reconciliation could even begin. I can hear your frustration at this situation, and can understand completely where you're coming from. I guess the main thing here is her willingness to change her behaviors. It's going to take some time for her to prove her changes if she's really interested in saving the marriage. You've done so much for her, maybe it's time for her to realize what she'll give up if she doesn't think about changing her behaviors.

John C,<BR> We may be getting somewhere here.Apart from the anger situation,you said"even giving up my own boundaries".Now you will start to understand women(a little).<BR>Ever since my W had an affair and left me,I started reading about relationships,trying to fiqure out what went wrong.Well,I think she's going through a MLC,but we had our problems,too.But I have learned,with women(and women have told me this),that you can give too much.Now I'm not talking about sex,or flowers.Like you,I washed most of my own clothes,usually did the dishes,took care of the house repairs,cars,dog,dog poop,financial decisions,and made a lot of my own meals.I tried to keep up on everything because she was usually tired from her job.Our marriage was also lop-sided when it came to in-laws.I did more things with her family,and for her family than she did with mine.<BR>Anyway,after a while I think she took all this for granted.Lots of times,I was doing yardwork or working on the house,while she was laying around reading a book.Like you,I had gone right over my boundaries in our relationship.If she wanted something,I'd buy it for her.If she wanted something built,I'd build it.If she wanted to do something with her family,I'd take her.It was just more,and more.Only after she left me,did I realise just how tired I was.<BR> What I'm getting at is,she had lost respect for me.Probably a long time ago.Her affair was the ultimate loss of respect.Our marriage is over.I'll never give that much again.She said she couldn't pick up the dogpoop because it made her sick.I picked up the poop for 20 years.What I should of said was"You wanted dogs,too,so you help pick up the poop"or"I'm doing all this yardwork out here,how about getting your butt off the couch,and giving me a hand?"<BR> Well,you just had a lesson in trying to understand women.You have many more to learn.I hope this helps a little.--Murph<BR>

I have to agree 100% with Murphy.<BR>

Dear John C,<P>You've sure gotten lots of advice in a short time! A few things I think all of us would agree on: 1) your old relationship to your Wife is unacceptable; and 2) if you decide to try to help your wife change, it will take a major commitment on your part.<P>Read the stories. See for yourself what challenges other people have faced, and how they overcame them. Then decide whether and how you want to proceed with your own marriage.<P>Please feel free to post specific questions after you have done your reading.<P>Best Wishes,<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P>

John,<P>Welcome to the MB site. You have already received some great advice from those who are before me.<P>In my opinion, it definetly sounds like she wasn't ready for marriage. How long were you two together, before the marraige? It bothers me that she doesn't want to have things to do with your family. Family can be the strength to your marraige in times of weakness, along with faith. Not that mine is really where it belongs, but I speak from when it was.<P>I guess, I wonder, why is she a housewife if you have no kids? Does she have a hard time with keeping a job? I think its great when any couple can afford to keep the wife at home, especially when kids are involved. I guess I feel like, IF she doesn't work, why isn't she cooking, cleaning and doing your laundry? I did all that PLUS worked 55 hours a week and cared for 3 kids(And I still got cheated on) <P>I would seriously NOT even mention kids, and use extra protection right now, cause this is not a healthy place for the children to be brought into.<P>I can see why you feel you may not want to try. It sounds like you have tried so much already. I truly believe it is very difficult for one person to save a marriage.<P>She sounds like she needs serious counseling. It sounds like she may have possibly some form of mental illness, if there is no childhood problems? My dad was alcoholic, and my mom was mentally ill, so I have some knowledge to both. My dad made a commitment to remain with my mom. I can tell you honestly, 29 years later, it ruined his life, because he wasn't ready to make that decision at his age. She needed serious help that he was not qualified to give her.<P>If you want to save your marraige, then you will find tremendous support and materials to do that here at the site. If you decide NOT to save your marraige, you will still feel welcome (as I do now). The time apart will give you time to think and breathe. Use it wisely.<P>I would question if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. I would question, why you love her and if you love her. I would examine why you were married and if you are ready to put the effort into saving the marriage, because it is a lot of work. <P>Keep us updated and be strong.<BR>Dana<BR>

John, now some of us women are chiming in.<P>Murph is right except it can just as easily go the other way (the woman doing most of the giving). Any lop sided relationship leads to resentment.<P>The good thing about all Harley's material (read the books, they are even better than the info on the site) is that it is sooo practical.<P>At the end it comes down to either she and you both will or you won't. We are still in phone counselling and we are accountable to work on our "plans". Both of us.

Wow John, you have been through the ringer. Your wife sounds like she needs A LOT of professional help. You mention that her father was an alcoholic so that might have a lot to do with it. My mother drank a lot while growing up and when she drank she was a too B%TCH, totally different than when she is sober. She would say the most hateful things to us! As I grew older and started having relationships I would say the most hateful things to the men in my life. Basically seeing how much they would take. A counselor told me that it seems that as a child of an alcoholic I was displaying the ugly part of my mother when she drank. I also had a lot of growing up to do. I guess the more I would tongue lash was a test to see how much a guy would take and if he stayed then that meant he REALLY loved me. But I realized that you can't treat people like that and boy did I get payback in the end. Your wife has built up anger that she releases on you and it is not right or natural. She has to work on herself, and if you take her back too soon without her getting help then it will never end. BELIEVE ME on that one. You will have a honeymoon period for a few weeks, then she WILL return to her old ways. It is all she has known for her entire 26 years of life and she doesn't have to tools or the awareness that she is in some need of emotional rehaul! I had to start from scratch in learning how to treat people properly and I am still learning.

I first would like to thank everybody for the great advise and words of wisdom. <P> I have come to a realization that perhaps the reason I don’t want to continue this relationship is from my own lack of trust in her. Not that I’m saying that she might cheat on me. Trust as in – I don’t think she will make an honest effort at this. I have seen many times when things are OK for awhile after a fight and turn into the same thing not a month later. I believe this to be one of my main concerns. If not in a month, what about a year???<BR>Many of you asked some questions, I would like to answer those.<P>Live&learn<BR>Lucky for your brother he didn’t continue with the relationship (a smarter man than I). <BR>Your question about if she treats everyone like this or just myself. I would have to respond that others are treated in a similar manner. Her sister for instance often gets this type of treatment. On the other hand a friend of hers whom she speaks to often doesn’t get this type of treatment. I’m not sure why but would have top guess that her friend hasn’t questioned her about her behavior. <BR>In regards to anger management – I might get a shovel in my head over that one (ironic??). It is however worth a try. <P>She has made a significant change in her behavior in the last few days. She is nice and doesn’t start arguments anymore. She saw her old therapist on Saturday. I have to be honest and say I am VERY skeptical of this behavior. It is unlike her to make such a change in a short period of time. I haven’t yet discussed any of our problems with her since this mind-boggling transformation. Maybe she’ll get defensive and attack?<BR>Congratulations and best wishes to your Brother &#61514;<P>Murphy<BR>Seems like we have similar situations. My W didn’t cheat on me (not that I know of). In regards to your situation if you had enforced your own boundaries and said “I’m doing all this yardwork out here, how about getting your butt off the couch,and giving me a hand”. Do you believe this might have worked or only added to the resentment she felt for you? More or less rocking the boat. I believe my W would respond to that type of statement in anger rather than realizing all she did was have her butt on the couch. <BR>When my therapist had given me information on boundaries I studied it carefully and found where I was lacking. When I started to reinforce my boundaries, that’s when her claws would come out. She was perfectly content with walking all over me. So, when she couldn’t she had a fit.<P>Lonelymom<BR>You have brought up many interesting points here:<BR>We were dating for five months when we got engaged – one year later married<BR>Housewife – She decided that she didn’t want to work. I make enough money to support us and a couple of children if we decided. She had said she wanted to be a housewife her entire life and would take care of those responsibilities. She did get bored not doing anything around the house and got a job. She was hired to be an assistant manger. She was fired because she hit (slapped) one of the girls in the arm that was working for her. About what she should be doing I feel Murphy might have hit the nail on the head with that one. I’m wondering how you found the time or energy to work that much, take care of the household chores, and raise three children!! I’m impressed<BR>Children – I see no plan or chance of having them – if you know what I mean – should the occasion arise I might need extra protection, I would be smart about that. I see no need to bring a child into something unhealthy.<BR>Mental illness – Our therapist came to the conclusion that she had Borderline Personality disorder. It is a very serious illness and takes years to recover from even if the person wishes to. After doing extensive research on the subject believe that she doesn’t have it, but has many of the same symptoms. If you would like more information on this you can go to <A HREF="http://WWW.BPDCENTRAL.COM," TARGET=_blank>WWW.BPDCENTRAL.COM,</A> It is a very well made site and has an enormous amount of information. Murphy and Live&learn might want to check this out. Anyways, She wasn’t very well liked in elementary school and had issues with her first boyfriend who was manipulative (from her point of view). <BR>How did having an alcoholic father and mentally ill mother affect your relationships? <BR>I am questioning a great deal of things presently. I have to determine what the best course of action will be. I can’t express enough how much I appreciate the support<P>Schizzo<BR>You seem very correct in you saying either we both will or won’t. I’ll check out the books. I do have enough time to do some reading.<P>Trying 2_4give<BR>I see much of what you described in yourself in her. Her father wasn’t abusive or overly mean when he drank. This I believe is a cause for her present behavior. What happened that made you realize that something was wrong?<BR>I think we are all learning how to treat people better and hope we never stop<P>Thank all of you again for so much support and advise. It’s nice to have people out there willing to help in your time of need. <BR>

My W wants to see me. It’s been over three weeks since I’ve seen her. I don’t feel like I want to see her at the moment and am coming up with excuses why I can’t. Any words of advise on this? Am I being irrational? Her attitude has improved significantly but I am wary of this, it’s not in her nature. I don’t want to keep going back to get hurt.