1st of all I'm new here, I have read a lot of the messages and it seems to be pretty supportive for all. so here is some of my story. I know its lomg<P>We had a ruff(bad) year maybe 2 before this all happened and my outlook on life seemed very negative. I had been withdrawing love units for a long time, love my wife dearly but only should this when wanting sex so she starting questioning my love. She asked me to quit my job and move out of Country for her job and I did so only because I love her. I didn't want to move even though it was temp. and we would be moving back. The move was to help cut down on her travel and give her more time with the famialy, she a workohalic. That were some of my love buster are, I'm not 1st anymore <P>BUT only 2-3 weeks after the move she started the sexual relationship with the OM but the emotional one started maybe 2 months before that. Now I'm a Mr mom completely depandant on my wife who has an affair. We didn't even have our household good yet, I'm sleeping on the floor with my kids and she is on a buisness trip sleep in a bed with an OM but I didn't know that at the time. 3 month passed and I started to notice that my wife had now emotional stuff for me at all and by the time 3-4 months passed with no sex I know something was wrong. So I looked in her work computers email and found out about OM and that she was pregnant. and that she was planning to spend the new year eve with him (buisness trip). Confronted her and she admitted all. She said that the thought the baby was mine but not sure. After a visit to the Doc. she nows it is mine by the due date(she said that the sex with OM hadn't started yet) but I'm still scared that it might not be because I know that the emotional relationship had started in time ??so how can I be really sure?? <P>She would like to try and save the marriage for the sake of our 9 years, 2 kids an 1 on the way but admits that the love for a husband is not there and that its more like a brother or father of her kids stuff!!Plus she said that she loves the OM and that it was wrong but part of her is asking herself how could it be completely wrong if it was love. ?? How do I deal with a comment like that??<P>Now it has been three months and I have been trying to meet all if not most of her needs. And NOT removeing only love units. She said that for her things are improving but is still unable (or unwilling) to meet most of my needs and she is showing no affection at all! Now she is 7 months pregnant so I understand the lack of sex but there could be some affection like holding hands, kissing (not like she my mom but real kisses),smilling or even just setting next to me. She doesn't even feel comfortable letting me feel her stomac and I know the baby is kicking now! I'm not the one who cheated yet I'm the one full of love who would like my wife back. ?? Is this backwards??<P>The thing I have been asking myself is ??how long I can give my all when I'm not recieving much ??<BR>She is trying I can tell that (I think) and her work habits are improving but that could be just a slow down that she is taking credit for. She does feel really bad and is really betting herself up for it. She said that she is not able to be close to anybody right now and seems to question if she worth it or deserves it. I think she is.?? could she really feel so bad if how can I help??<BR>The other day I mentioned that it is kinda ironic that now I'm being the man she wanted for the last year but now it might be to late and she agreed!!That scared me that she agreed that it might be to late!!<P>She is travelling again this week and she is in the town of her lover. I trust her but only because she wouldn't want to hurt me again. She has agreed not to see him or to communicate unless it is work related.<P>Am I being to understanding ?? how long is a good time frame for some affection to start returning ?? And my wife mentioned that I seem to contradict myself a lot, but the only place I think I seem to do that is in my strength (staying power) never on my love and she agreed. So how can I be stronger??

You sound really stressed. I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time.<P>I keep hearing (and living) that these things take time. It is never easy to wait.<P>It sounds like your wife is still in withdrawal from her affair. Read the descriptions of what wayward spouses feel in other sections of this forum. She is saying that she feels more of a brotherly type of love toward you because that is what mature love is like at times. Oh, things can still be exciting, but we have to work on them. She is still comparing the feelings of fantasy "love" that she had with her OM to the feelings of love she feels for you.<P>Know that you are a good person. You cannot control the way she acts, but you can control the way you act. Keep trying. Talk to a friend or a counselor or a clergy person for encouragement.<P>If you need to vent, we're here. It may take a few days for us to respond, but we are here. We know what this is like.<P>Good luck!

Gosh,<BR>What a story. I don't know how you do it. First of all...give yourself a pat on the back for being there for her. I pray that the baby is yours and that makes your wife realize that she loves you....like a wife loves a H.<P>Good luck to you....your wife....and your wonderful unborn child.<P>Nancy

As a betrayer,the only wy your W will be able to consentrate on the marriage is to end all contact with OM.If it's work related then maybe she should find another job.I know that sounds far fetched and I don't know your financial situation,but I do know that ,that is the only way to get your marriage on the right track.<P>Right now your W is still in that "honeymoon" stage where she sees nothing wrong with the OM She sees you like a brother only because she has forgotten those "butterfly" feelings she had when you first got together.My advice is to keep showing your love and maybe do some of those things you did when you first met.<P>It will be hard at first especially when you don't get responses.But just keep at it and love will prevail.<P>And remember NO contact with OM-it is very imparative.She will go through withdrawal but once it subsides she will see how really disgusting the affair really was.Atleast thats how I looked at it.<P>Anyway take care and keep us posted!

I'm hoping she will find another job but affaid to force it at this time. I would also like her to have a job where travel wasn't in the job description. Not saying no travel just saying little travel. She truely loves her job and She will not travel to OM city for quite a while. And if she does have to work with him she said (promised) that it would be all work no play and that there would always be others around. Can that really happen?? This seems to be the biggest difficulty with our( my) plan A<P>How does one do the things that attracted her at first when now we have 2 kids an we will have a new baby in just 1.5 months? And am I wrong in thinking that I should start to see some improvement in her meeting more of my needs after the baby come?? Or might I exspected to be pushed farther back on the priority list Because of having a baby??<BR>

I'm glad she won't be traveling back to OM's town for a while. Yes, it can happen that other people will always be around. I can't promise that it will, but it might. It's easier for both of you if the temptation isn't there (please read the MB Concepts), but it can be done. Hang in there.<P>You can't do exactly the same things you did to attract her at first now that you have a family, but you can do similar things. If you two had fun going out to restaurants, for example, you could bring in dinner and have it after the kids go to bed or hire a sitter for a night. Think back to when you were a footloose bachelor and wanted to impress this lady who is now your wife and think of how you might adapt those ideas. I'll bet you can come up with lots of things you can do!<P>I don't know whether she will meet more of your emotional needs right after the baby is born. I only have the one son, but I know right after he was born I was needing a lot of support and had a hard time meeting my husband's needs. (Of course, he was in the midst of an affair I didn't acknowledge, but I digress...) <P>Keep in mind that your marriage didn't get to the point that it's at right now overnight and any fixes you make aren't going to show effects overnight, either. It's no fun, but you need to be patient and keep working at it.<P>Good luck to you, BL.