TruthSeeker,<P>Here is my answer to firestorm and peppermint taht you asked!/<P><BR>No he isn't this way any more. Sexually it is not always good. If I say no sometimes he keeps on and makes it yes. <P>I know that is something he is working on, but it gets the better of him sometimes. and I hate it. <P>He became a born again christian right before i had my affair, talk about a test of faith!<P>He is a very changed man. Only, I am a very changed woman and not all for the best. <P>I still feel trapped in that time frame of 8 years of abuse. I am not sure how to get past it. <P>I was told that in order toheal, i needed to trust god and find out who i am in my Father's eyes. What do I mean to Him. BUt in order to trust god you have to become vulnerable and there isn't any way that i am up to that. I cannot be hurt anymore than I already have.<P>Mercy<P>IP: Logged<BR>

That's a relief to hear that he is no longer that abusive. My concern was that you were putting yourself through the ringer in an attempt to remain in an abusive marriage. In my opinion, if he was still like that, I wouldn't be inclined to try all that hard to stay. In fact, I would pray to God to get me out of that situation.<P>It is still disconcerting what you said about his attitude toward sex. Does he physically force you or does he make it difficult for you to say no (making you feel guilty, etc.)? If he physically forces you, I would still consider that abusive. If he makes it difficult for you to say no by making you feel guilty for it, in my opinion, he is being disrespectful to you. Either case is reminding you of the abuse that you suffered and that makes you afraid that it will happen again. <P>I don't blame you at all for your reactions. (Others here may disagree with me...)Trusting God does not mean you have to subject yourself to abuse. <P>Have you discussed this sex issue with him?

He used to make it physical force, such as keep on when i said no. I would just lay there and cry. it was awful. <P>Now, it is I will say No, and then late at night when i am asleep he will try again. Lately I have just slept with clothes on so it is not able to happen. <P>I have talked to him about it. He never understood that it was forceful. He has apologized for it, but it does still happen. Making my No's yes's.<P>I don't feel safe opening up to him. Certainly not sexually. He has never been violent, but he has taken what is not given freely. Does that make sense?<P>The guilt part, no I do not feel guilty, but I have had a hard time saying NO. Or I say no and it becomes yes. With Om I said yes and so did he. Safe. He only took what was given freely. <P>Anyhow, I am not happy and I cannot trust him fully. I know he has made an effort to change but I have lived with a past with him and my heart cannot take force. Does that make sense?<P>Mercy<P>

It makes a lot of sense to me. Have you tried going to counseling with him? Would he agree to do that with you? <P>It is a good sign that he has changed, but it sounds like he still has more work to do. I can't understand that he didn't know it was forceful if you were crying. That should have been a big clue that you did not like what he was doing.<P>What have been your reasons for staying with him?

I have only 5 reasons. My kids. I wasn't raised with a father so i guess i have felt that they really need one. But other than taht i personally would like out of the marriage. <P>I am not sure i can remain faithful. I find my interest peaked at times when i do get male attention. I am not really sure i can open up to him ever again. There are days i really hate him. I have been mean to him, (which is so uncool). I cheated on him time andtime again to get out of this marriage. It doesn't seem to work.<P>IF I had the finances I would leave him in a minute. I would not get into a big mess with the kids. He has told me that if i leave then the kids stay. That is such a bad game. I would leave them with him because i couldn't make these kids go through hell because we can't keep our stuff together.<P>He does want to go to counseling, but we couldn't afford it. I do not want a pastor to have the bible shoved down my throat, I know what the Word says about adultery adn marriage, i don't need to be badgered about it. It doesn't change my mind about what i am doing.<P>I know that a part of me does love him, but it may be the part that loves what could have been? I am not sure. <P>Truthfully, if I could get divorce without screwing up five lives which did not ask to be screwed up I would be gone yesterday.<P>What a confused mind i have! <P>Mercy

How old are your children? How does your H treat them?<p>[This message has been edited by TruthSeeker (edited March 30, 2000).]

My children are 10, 8, 6,5,4 and he is a very good father. Very good. Much more patience than I, handles situations better than I at times. He could be a great husband if I could open up and trust him, but NOT. I told him the other day, that if i only met him today, i would fall in love with him. But ofcourse if i just met him, i wouldn't know him either.<P>He did kick me out in January, right after I confessed my 3 bout with OM. MY kids were devestated. The reason i came back was because of them. I have never seen such sorrow in little eyes as theirs. They are what makes me ask myself "what the hell was i thinking?"<P>But on the other hand, if I was happy i would be a better mother. I am a good mother but one who is very short tempered and aggravated all the time. I try real hard not to let it show to the kids but i am real tense all the time.<P>Aside from the sexual issue, he will make a great husband someday. Caring, loving, will do anything i ask of him, loves his kids, works hard. You name it. But, I am not receiving of this. I wish I could be but I am really hung up on OM. It may only be the sex issue that i am hung up on at this point too. I am not sure. I justknow it is so tough right now.<P>Mercy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I told him the other day, that if i only met him today, i would fall in love with him. But ofcourse if i just met him, i wouldn't know him either.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It sounds like this is a good place to start. I know how it feels to be hung up on the OM. (Boy do I know! And it was a one-sided emotional thing. It was never physical and he has no interest in me beyond friendship). <P>How about treating this as getting to know someone new. Your H is a changed man. He's not the man who treated you so poorly in the past. He's different now. give youreslf the time and opportunity to get to know the new man. Maybe if he changed his appearance in some small way it would help to see him differently in your heart as well. Nothing major, maybe a new hairstyle? Grow a beard, shave a beard? <P>One thing is for certain, if there is ANY shot of getting your marriage to work out and for you to be happy in it, you MUST let go of the OM. I'm not saying that it will be easy. I know it's not. It's probably the most difficut thing you will have to do. But when you think about, isn't what you're going through right now pretty difficult? It's tearing you up inside. This pain won't stop until you decide to stop it. <P>When you do it will get temporarily worse as you go through withdrawal. Think of the what an addict goes through during detoxification. It's a very painful experience. But wouldn't you agree that it's a necessary one in order to live a complete and happy life? <P>Just remember. Withdrawal will hurt, but the pain is temporary. You WILL get past it.<P><p>[This message has been edited by TruthSeeker (edited March 31, 2000).]

Well, like I said before, we are moving adn I think that will help. We are moving 118 miles away. I am not looking forward to it because I know what is in store for me with withdrawal and such.<P>I decided last night that i need to move on for the health of my family. What i mean by move on IS to end the relationship with OM. IT is tearing me in two to do so though. I just feel like a nut. It is going to be a rough life from here on out. Wish me luck, I am sure I will be back for venting!!<P>Mercy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>It is going to be a rough life from here on out. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No, it's not from here on out. Withdrawal is a temporary pain. It will be a rough period but you WILL get past it.<P>Good luck and please do come back to vent!

One more thing. Do NOT tolerate abuse! If he gets abusive, get out!