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#859060 04/01/00 09:10 AM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 63
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My husband says he wants our marriage to work, but I do not see any evidence that he is willing to be accountable to me and take my feelings into consideration.<BR>He travels every week in his work--usually 3 days. He is emotionally withdrawn and as long as I dont make any demands of him he is content. He has had a physical affair and internet affairs.<BR>I have been familiar with Harleys methods for two years, but my interpretation is that both parties are working toward resolving conflicts. How can you do it alone?<BR>It seems to me that one party sacrifices all rights in order not to upset the other for a designated period of time to deposit love units. How can that be helpful if units are being withdrawn from your own account?<BR>Please help me understand

Joined: Sep 1999
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GodAlone,<P>Everyone has limits...<BR>and that is a key to the duration of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... and is also true of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>.<P>The <B>very</B> general recommendations are about 6 months of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... and about 18 months of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>.<P>It seems to me...<BR>...that there are people who are on both ends of the scale for these periods...<P>Some do a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... for only a few weeks... and give up<BR>...others do it for 2...3...4.. or more years.<P>I spoke to Dr. Harley... back in December...<BR>...and in my case (I am sooooo patient...)<BR>He recommended... as long as I feel my W would come back... and has the opportunity to do so(because in my situation it is clear the OM will leave her... in the July/August 2000 time frame)... that my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> should go longer than the 6 months. I've been doing it for almost exactly 6 months now!<P>It clearly has to be your decision...<BR>But since the only other alternative to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... <B>AND</B> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> is a <B><I>last resort</I></B> plan... the decision to move to it must be made carefully.<P>Check out my posts...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>.<P>My love for my W is draining...<BR>...I really feel it is... (she is still abusive, argumentative, insensitive(to me and the kids))<BR>...but I will wait until July or August.<P>If you are really confused...<BR>If you don't know what are the signs that should keep you in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> or move to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>...<BR>consider contacting through <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it)) <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>If <B>all</B> affairs are over...<BR>If recovery is where you think you're at...<BR>You and he should be involved in setting up a personal <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>. Without it... recovery and implementation of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>... just aren't going to work.<P>I'm praying for you... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

Joined: Jun 1999
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GodAlone -- <B>Can you do Plan A alone?</B><BR>This is a very good question, which has actually been asked many times on this forum. The simply answer is <B>YES</B>, but as I am sure you know, nothing is simply where infidelity is concerned.<P>I basically did Plan A on my own for almost 6 months, of course at the time I had no idea what Plan A was and did not know about this forum at the time.<P>It is very hard work. The betrayer has to make tremendous sacrifices for the sake of trying to salvage the marriage. More often than not, the needs of the betrayed are not met at all during this period of time. And yes the love bank can become very depleted at times.<P>For me Plan A worked, Thank God. If salvaging the marriage is what you truly want, you can make it work.<P>My thoughts and prayers go out to you as you plan your future.<P>God Bless


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