Good day all.<P>I have been lurking here for the past couple of weeks and felt it was time I shared my story with everyone else here. Partly in an effort to obtain some support through this difficult time, but also to show other men out there that they are not alone in what they are going through.<P>I am a 29 year old Network Administrator. I am kind of my own boss and make a fairly decent living. My wife and I have known each other for the past 11 years and have been married for almost 4 years. I have been out of our home for the past month and a half as a result of finding out that my wife was carrying on a relationship with another man. I suspected something was wrong in our relationship about a month before I moved out of our marital home and tried begging and pleading with my wife to tell me what was wrong and if we needed help with our marriage. I told her I would do anything to make her happy as I was quite aware of some of the things that I did to make her unhappy. I was willing to change for her in anyway that she wanted. She simply used bogus excuses such as "I need my space" or "I can't comunnicate with you the way you want me to right now". I believed that perhaps she was just examining her feelings about us and I tried to give her her space.<P>But the out of town weekend trips persisted and I eventually I found evidence with which I had to confront her. Long distance phone calls to the same number from our home starting before Christmas. I confronted her with this and she admitted to having been in contact with another man. She did not, however, admit to having sexual relations with him but I did not believe her. I moved out of the house the same night I found the phone bill and have been trying ever since to get her to see that what she is doing is wrong. She won't budge and has made it very clear to me that she wants this new man and to have nothing to do with me.<P>Since I left, the other man has been in our home on several occasions and she has gone out of her way to make me feel like crap through all of this. To clear up some issues, we have no children, I moved out because I can't handle the mortgage on my own as she makes twice as much money as I do and I couldn't take her abuse, and we are currently trying to go through mediation as a way of getting the assets looked after.<P>Well, there ya have it. I have been all through this web-site and have read jsut about everything I could to prepare for the event of her asking me to come home, which looks bleaker and bleaker with each passing day. I suppose you could say I am now in Plan B, as when she called me last night I asked her if she was still seeing the OM and she said yes. I told her not to call me anymore and that if she needed to let me know something to get someone else to call me and let me know. I am healing slowly with some success but everytime I hear from her it opens all the wounds back up and I can't take it anymore. The counselling I am in right now is helping but this is going to be a long road and I don't need her making potholes in it for me if she doesn't want to travel it with me.<P>Thanks for listening and my best to all of you....<P>William <p>[This message has been edited by HurtinButHere (edited March 30, 2000).]

Hurtin,<BR>Welcome to MB. You have come to the right place. You will not only get a great education on this not-happy subject, but you will get love, support, understanding and above all friendship. <P>Did you try Plan A at all? You might want to start there. It really does work, if you are willing to give it time and patience. <P>I am so sorry you are going through this. <P>Viki

I have had time to look at the way things progressed throughout all of this and I guess you could say that the month that I tried to get her to talk to me about what was going on and trying to get her to see that we needed help was Plan A enough for me. I wish I could have tried harder but I am far to emotional and all she seemed to do was use my emotional state to make me feel worse all the time and eventually force me out of our home.<P>She is a really good liar and manipulator and didn't seem at all concerned about trashing my feelings. Lying, breaking promises and showing no regard for other peoples feelings is just something I couldn't live around anymore. I made leaps and bounds in my recovery once I left the house and don't regret it all that much.<P>Thanks<P>William

Hurtin,<BR>I do understand the need to leave the home. It does make it a touch easier not to have it in your face all the time. But now that you are seperated, try being the bigger of the two and plan a her for a little while longer. She can't use your emotional state unless you allow her. I'm not saying this is easy, but nothing worth having ever is. I'm just saying maybe consider giving plan a another try. <BR><P>------------------<BR>You can't live with them, you can't kill them!<BR>Viki

Hiya Viki.<P>Well, she and I will to be going to a mediator sometime in the near future to try and hash out some of the legal details as I need to be absolved of some of our debts in order to start a new life for myself. I am not trying to just have her out of my life and be totally done with her. I tell her often that I love her, miss her and would like to make things better between us but she is still in that "honeymoon" phase that I think many WS's go through, so I am letting her have her time without too much pressure.<P>When the opportunity presents itself I try and make these things clear to her but I am not going out of my way in pressuring her into thinking something different than what she is feeling right now as that may only drive her further away.<P>Thanks for the advice, it is nice to have someone tell me that I should keep trying as there are lots of other people who tell me just to forget about her after having did what she did to me. I don't know how things will turn out but I am trying to keep my spirits up and hope for the future.<P>Take care..<P>William

William:<P>Your story caught my eye. Your situation sounds very similar to mine in that you are the faithful husband who was betrayed by his wife. Also, you are around the same age as my husband. <P>I've been coming to this forum for several weeks now. I came here and shared the story of how I betrayed my husband. I also shared that I ended the affair after it turned physical over one weekend. I haven't seen or spoken to the other man since our weekend together (that sounds awful). Anyway, my husband does not know about my affair. I've been struggling for over a year about whether or not to reveal this affair to him. I want to follow your story and see how you and your wife progress through this entire scenario. <P>I am sorry that you are going through so much pain right now. I do know that coming here to MB is a great choice. The advice here (though it won't always be what you WANT to hear), is good advice. The people here are thoughtful and insightful. I think everyone here is workign towards healing and helping others to heal.<P>Let us know how you're doing! You don't have to have some "dramatic" story to come on and share here... <P>I wish you the very best. I will be watching your story and commenting from time to time.<P>Feel free to read some of my past posts...<P>You will be in my prayers today.<P>Jill<P>

Hiya Jill<P>Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you on this but I don't spend alot of time in the message boards on the weekend.<P>Thanks very much for your words of encouragement. Not a whole lot has been happpening between my wife and I lately so not a whole lot to report <P>As for me, I went out and looked at a new car on Friday afternoon ! I find out Monday if I get it or not. Had to get rid of the ole rustbucket or I wasn't gonna be able to get to work anymore.<P>You and your husband will be in my prayers as well but I really can't offer any advice on your situation. Good luck and take care.