Hi Friends...<P>Gee...<BR>I'm getting e-mails and posts for me to update people about my status...(thanks, Cheryl, Darlene, Jo,... etc.)<BR>You are all so incredibly supportive...<P>OK... here goes...<P>Yes... I am still trying a long distance <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... and of course... as a divorce is being thrust upon me... decisions I make for the divorce do conflict with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... It is very hard...<P>Since last I posted (after my W missed the Early Settlement Panel{ESP - state organized attempt at mediation} date 2/29/2000)...<P>I just got (yesterday in fact) 2 letters from my attorney. The $250.00 fine for my W's missing the ESP was <B>not</B> a court fine... but a court granted fine where my attorney's firm get's the money... as conpensation services for my lawyer... since it was a day wasted. It was a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>... but one that just drained from my W's <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> for my attorney... (the balance was way negative anyway)<P>Now...<BR>Since mid-February we (W and I) have been having conflict... which is clearly coming out as a true <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>... draining our <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>s for each other.<P>Yes... the divorce (that I don't want) is still in progress...<BR>My W made a change in the visitation schedule by refusing to allow my younger son to attend the once a month meetings of a church organization he joined 9+ months ago. She agreed to bring him(son) and the other 2 kids... as did I initially... so we kept to a "every other weekend" visitation for her. But with her changing the "rules"... I came up with a new proposed visitation schedule... and notified her/her attorney and my attorney that it was what I would follow.<P>It is this "new schedule" that is causing a fair amount of conflict...<BR>I tried to take into account several things...<BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> attendance in church organization meetings<BR><LI> school (spring) break - she can not take them that week (her job)<BR><LI> to make sure there were no more than 2 consecutive weekends for either of us (...making her not see kids on weekends a most 3 weeks apart)<BR><LI> fairness of quantity of time</OL><P>For a 20 week period... I assigned her 11 weekends... and me 9 weekends. Fairness?<P>I did schedule a 9 day vacation to Florida during their spring break.<P>---------<B>on the side</B> (start)---------<BR>(something I just could not turn down... {<$1,800 total package I signed up for last summer as a business related perk} for me and the 3 kids... to Orlando & Ft. Lauderdale & a 3 day cruise & air fare + vouchers for 3 more smaller trips for 2 people... Who could have turned down this bargain?) This was one reason why I had scheduled 2 consecutive weekends for me. I now remember a strange prophetic experience that occured 4 years ago when we all went to Orlando as a family (even took her mother along with us... and paid for her mother's part of the trip.) On the last day of that trip... she said to me... "Jim... we're never coming back here again... are we?!"... and I of course said... "We most absolutely are!"... It turns out now... I and the kids are... but she will not. I know you guys are going to say I am stupid again (remember the roses "incidents") but I asked her if she wanted to come <B>now</B> with us to Florida... (making it clear... if she leaves the OM)... and she very abruptly turned me down.<BR>I'll not be on the forum from 4/23 through 5/2...<BR>---------<B>on the side</B> (end)---------<P>The other back-to-back weekends are for attending the church organization meetings... which... with the new schedule is always one of <B>my</B> weekends... it means that on her weekends... she doesn't have to bring the kids home early(to attend the meetings) as she had since September!!! Giving her more time with them... on the weekends she takes them!<P>She would not discuss any proposed changes in the visitation schedule...<BR>...insisting on strict adherence "every other weekend"... an no more meetings for my son.<P><B>Soooooo.....</B><BR>She been refusing to pick-up the kids on the weekends I assigned her(2 times so far)...<BR>...and so far... once... I did not let her pick up the kids on my assigned weekend! This coming Friday(my assigned weekend) will be the second time... I will again not have them for her.<P>---------<B>on the side</B> (start)---------<BR>BTW, this <B>Friday</B> (April 7th) is the <B>one year anniversary</B> of my D-day!<BR>One year ago... on Easter Sunday... she tells me... out of the blue... she wanted a <B>separation</B>...<BR>Three days later (April 7)... I find 500-600 e-mails between her and her OM over a 3.5 month period... a rude awakening for my D-day<BR><B>I DON'T WANT TO SEE HER THAT DAY...</B><BR>...it was a coincidence that I had this coming weekend assigned to me... believe me!<BR>---------<B>on the side</B> (end)---------<P>Back to the divorce...<BR>The new date for the ESP is now set for Tuesday April 11th. Some of you know I am Catholic... An interesting fact about April 11th... It is the day of one of the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011976.html" TARGET=_blank>Patron Saints of Adultery victims/unfaithfulness...</A>... <A HREF="http://www.catholic-forum.com/saints/saintm24.htm" TARGET=_blank>Marguerite d'Youville</A>. I'll be praying that day!<P>When the ESP is over (and she will just not agree on much... I am more than sure about this)... our first trial date should be scheduled 4-12 weeks later. That will start the beginning of the end... <BR>My attorney and hers are now bickering (like kids)... raising up their fees... making threats of making more "motions"... I really hate this!<P>On the personal side...<P>My <B>kids</B> are doing OK...<BR>My <B>staples</B> (from emergency apendectomy) are out... and I'm healing...<BR>My <B>eyesight</B> is almost fully recovered...<BR>My <B>blood sugar</B> is starting to come dowm... lowest reading this week 135 ... average reading 180-190 ... I'm seeing a dietician tomorrow and my doctor this Tuesday...(maybe new medicine may be prescribed!)<BR>My <B>job</B>... ... not so good... being layed off... and I have only a few weeks to find a new position in the same company... if not I would get a severance package... but this May would have been my 20 year anniversary with this company.<P>I'll survive...<BR>I've been a bit busy with all of these personal things... and have not had the kind of opportunity to reply to all that many posts...<BR>...but I hope to pick up a bit in a short while.<P>Thank you for your interests in my life...<P>I do light my candle for you all... almost every night!<BR>I do pray for all of you... every night!<P>My friends... <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited April 02, 2000).]

Be strong Jim! We are praying for you too. I hope life gets extremely real for your wife this month. Hang in there.<P>Love, K<P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

Jim, no special words from this corner.<BR>Just wanted to tell you that I think of you often, and that I'm glad the kids are doing fine.<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Dear Jim,<P>First of all, lots of hugs and support during this especially trying season. I know that there are hundreds of people who appreciate you so much and will be lifting you up in prayer...<P>I also wanted to respond to your update from a different perspective than my usual posts. Over the years, I have handled dozens of divorce cases, and hundreds of business conflicts that escalated into litigation. In working through these disputes, I have noticed that litigants usually fit certain profiles, and that their behavior can be fairly accurately predicted.<P>I would classify your W as someone who is governed by her emotional reactions, rather than higher principles, such as fairness. In my experience, it is pointless to mediate with people like this. You can't reason with them. They are absolutely convinced that they are entitled to what they feel they should get. By opposing their demands, however unreasonable, you are perceived as the bad guy.<P>If your W falls into this category of litigant, she will distort events in her mind so that everything conforms to her self-centered view of how things should be. I'll stop short of saying that people like this will lie under oath, but they will so color the facts that they may become almost unrecognizeable. Amazingly, people who are this deep in denial don't even realize that they are doing it.<P>I can offer one ray of hope in this otherwise bleak description of your W. For some time now, your W has cast you in the role of the bad guy, i.e. it's your fault that X, Y and Z happened, thus justifying her adulterous behavior. Naturally, she will blame you for any disagreement on visitation or other contested issues in the divorce. At some point, though, her distorted view of things may become too difficult for her attorney to support. <P>If this happens, a new cycle of events may occur. First, her attorney will tell her that she is just not being reasonable. She will blow up at him, since he dared to interfere with her fantasy view of life. Then, the matter in dispute, i.e. temporary visitation schedule, will be heard by the judge. He will look your W in the eye and tell her that she has to make adjustments in her way of thinking, and that she can't have everything her way.<P>If there is any moment that your wife's fantasy will be vulnerable to breaking down, that will be it. Judges are authority figures. If a judge tells her to her face that she isn't being fair, it will force her to reexamine many things. There are two possible outcomes from this reexamination.<P>Your wife may finally soften, and allow reality back into her life. If so, you should ask her out for coffee, just to talk, and be as loving and supportive of her as possible, but without reaffirming the fantasy. She will feel that the judge and her own attorney have turned on her. For you, her adversary, to show her kindness at that moment could make a real difference in how she sees you.<P>On the other hand, if the fantasy is still strong enough, she may conclude that both her lawyer and the judge are jerks, in other words, that she is right and the rest of the world is screwed up. If she takes this position, there is nothing you can say or do that will make a difference.<P>I hope that this is helpful as you proceed down the road of legal conflict with your W. Sorry it was so long, but look at the bright side... at least you're not paying me by the word! <P>My prayers are with you...<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<BR> <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by BrokenButNotCrushed (edited April 03, 2000).]

I am so sorry about your job and what's been happening with your wife.<P>I hope you and the kids have a great time in Florida.

And our candles are burning for you.<P>I'm always thinking about you, Jim.<P>Lori

You've been through a lot and yet have maintained your faith and strength. I admire you for that. You continue to give great advice and support.<P>I really hope you have a wonderful trip to Florida. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

How do you stay so strong? I am praying for you and your family. (((hugs)))<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Jim,<P>Just remember three little words:<P>NOTHING IS FOREVER.<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hey Jim,<P>Holy poop on a stick! When it rains it really does pour. Sorry to hear things are not going so well with you and your situation. Your plate is full.<P>It seems that the kids are being played as the pawns by W. Been there, done that through the first D. Toni did the same thing even as I was the betrayer then. Wow, listen to me. The first D. <P>Just wanted you to know you are still in my thoughts and prayers. I would really like to meet you one day. Your strenght is unbelieveable. I would have folded like a cheap lawn chair given the same circumstances.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Tim

Hang in there Jim!<P>Thanks for the Patron Saint reference! <P>We are all praying for you!!!<P>Doug<BR><P>------------------<BR>Don't give up...don't ever give up!" --Jimmy Valvano

Jim,<BR>I am sorry that things did not work well with W and job, but it seems to me that you are doing quite well (considering situation).<P>You are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for all the good words and advice.<P>I'm in a similar situation. Separated, I moved out. W stays home with kids and she wants divorce. When possible, I am trying Plan A from distance. So far, with a very limited success. But, it is only 2 months from D-day.<P>Stay strong and God bless, I will pray for you.

Occasionally I lurk, and this day I'm glad I did...<P>You sound so grounded and strong, considering...<P>Take care, and I hope you get that blood sugar down for good!!<P>How you do this, I sure don't know! You must have a secret weapon! Yes, I know, prayer! <P>Take care, Jim!! <P>~Sheryl

Thanks for the update...will pray for you and your kids, your job situation, your (hhmmm, I'm stuck for a word here...not marriage exactly, not divorce exactly...maybe we need to invent one)...You know what I mean, right?<P>Your wife is losing a good guy--<P>Good luck.<P>Kathi

Hi NSR -<P>I am sorry that things are so controversial with your wife....UGH!!<P>And the whole lawyer/court end of this nightmare is just nasty business that I NEVER want to deal with again...<P>I still haven't heard from my lawyer since that Special Masters I had around the same time as yours.....H tells me that Trial is supposed to start at the end of May....<P>I don't even know if we are going that far....Lawyer doesn't seem to give a hoot!!!! <P>I HATE THIS!!!!<P>AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH<P>OK, now I feel better!!!!<P>I am glad to hear that you are coming along physically....make sure you stay on that track OK?<P>I am also very happy to see that you and the kids will have a fun-filled vacation!!!! YOU ALL need it!!!!!<P>As Always....BIG HUGS and Prayers,<P>Sheba

<B>Karenna,<BR>Kat,<BR>BrokenButNotCrushed,<BR>Nellie,<BR>Lori,<BR>tootrusting,<BR>Keridwen,<BR>sidney,<BR>Tim,<BR>Doug,<BR>Sadpete,<BR>~Sheryl,<BR>Kathi,<BR>Sheba...</B><P>You are all wonderful in responding with such good wishes... <P>Friends are hard to find...<BR>...but not when I come to this forum!<P>BBNC... it looks like she is in the "emotional reaction" category...<BR>...but I'll wait until July/August before I take that as a definite.<P>Candles, hugs, prayers, wishes all raise my spirits...<P>Yes... prayer is my secret weapon...<BR>It comes so much easier now in this time of preparation for Easter...<P>Thank you one and all...<P>I'll keep you posted when new things happen.<P> <P>Jim

Jim,<P>So sad to hear how your W is playing the "kids as pawns or negotiation tatics game". It really sucks when people do that. She doesn't even realize the resentment she is building up in them through this. She will have a lot of work to do to restore relationships with them later on. <P>Hugs and prayers are being sent to you from this neck of the woods.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{<B>JIM</B>}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole <p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited April 03, 2000).]