My H returned home last week. He has promised to break off all contact with OW. When he is supposed to be somewhere and his plans change, he calls me. He seems genuinely concerned about me right now. But he won't sleep with me. I don't mean sex (although that's not happening either). He won't sleep in our bedroom. I feel this is counter-productive to our reconciliation, but I don't want to push him either. I am depressed and lonely and I would love for him just to hold me. I am not really ready for sex yet either. But how do I go about doing this? Should I just come out and say it? I would be setting myself up for a big rejection, but I want him to know I really need him right now. I think anything we can do to draw us closer is best. I feel like he thinks he is being unfaithful to OW if he sleeps with me (his wife). I swear I hate my life right now. I just want things to be better. It's been so long since I've experienced joy or happiness, I'm beginning to wonder if they even exist. Anybody with any advice....please HELP!!!<P>Just so you know, H was gone about 2 months. Affair has been going on almost a year. I made a suicide attempt when I found out H was trying to help OW move here and find a job. He moved back home because of that. I am still very shakey but H has been very sweet. I feel so lost and confused. I don't know what to do or how to feel. I am on anti-deps and anxiety meds. And I am seeing a therapist. <P>I am reading SAA right now. But H doesn't seem interested in reading anything. HELP!<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keridwen7,<P>Plan A is trying to fulfill his needs...<BR>He has done some of his part by helping you through your suicide attempt... and so he may he's already done some work...<P>Patience is what is really needed here...<P>Is there any chance of counseling (not just therapy for you)... but counseling for you both. Maybe MB (Harley's) counsling over the phone. With counseling, you H doesn't have to "read the book" (yep... most men {excpet on this forum} hate to read "relationship building" books.)<P>Let him know you appreciate all he's done for you (admiration!) Let him know your needs (affection... not sexual fullfillment yet)... and spell out a few things he could do... and immediately follow through with more admiration (but watch out for smothering him... or being too needy. Is this a tough balancing act... you bet it is!<P>Try and think through the emotional needs H has... and yours too... so they can complement each other. Be very patient on sex.<P>I'm glad you're part of the living...<BR>Yes... I too was praying for you! <P>Jim

Last spring Guard moved into the basement bedroom. After a few days I went down there (looking good) one evening and he let me stay with him. So I slept in the basement with him for some weeks. He moved out again (well 3 more times) after that, so this is no real recommendation to do what I did. <P>He was seeing the OW at that time & I didn't know that. I've thought since then that sleeping in the basement was one way he could tell her we were really separated, even though living in the house together. I doubt he told her he was sleeping with me.<P>Keri--take care of yourself right now. Your health is a lot more important than your H. I wish I could just sit down and have coffee with you.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Keri}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Hi Keri,<P>I am an old-timer here (and betrayer). I'm in lurk mode mostly...<P>Anyway, I just wanted to say a thing or two about withdrawal, which is what your husband is going through, and the trememdous amount of work ahead for you.<P>Withdrawal means that your husband is going to miss OW terribly, and he's going to be depressed and distant because of that. And yes, you are right when you think that he feels like he's being unfaithful to OW. I'm absolutely sure he does (I did). He's going to be going through some really tough times personally. He might not outwardly show his pain, but it will be there.<P>Now what does that mean for you? Well, it means that you have to be STRONG. You have to show him that you are not weak and ready to commit suicide again. You cannot use your weakness as a weapon against him (even if you don't mean it). That is a love-buster. Yes he is home, but believe me, you'll have more work to do now than ever. You'll have to have a ton of patience to deal with the upcoming ordeal. There will be times when you believe that you are the ONLY one doing anything. And you'll wonder if it's all worthwhile. But you cannot give up if you want success.<P>You also have to eat, sleep, breathe and live Plan A. Try to fulfill every one of his emotional needs. Do not demand anything from him. Do not be judgemental. Do not scream and yell. In terms of your questions about whether he should sleep in the same bed as you, and wanting him to hold you... You can request it, but try not to be needy and DO NOT take his rejection personally if he says no. Remember, it's the WITHDRAWAL speaking.<P>This is going to be hard. Very hard. But if you want your husband back, truly, then I think you'll have the best success with this. Is it fair? No, probably not. But you have to ask yourself what you want. Do you want your marriage back, better than ever? If so, then you must be willing to do anything.<P>good luck,<BR>--andy

I think it is Ok to bring it up. BUT, don;t cling or whine. Make it clear that you understand you as a couple may not be ready for sex, but that you'd like to just sleep next to him...would he be comfortable doing that? He may say no, but if he does, he'll know that as soon as he's ready, you'd like to have him back.<P>Good luck--<BR>Kathi