Okay. H is STILL doing the cyberchatting. I wrote a...week? two weeks? ago about finding these "flirtatious" (am I a prude, or does "flirtatious" take on a whole new meaning with WSs?) e-mails. Yes, I snooped.<P>Well, I snooped again this past Wednesday and found an e-mail from a new person that started out "Hey Babe--" talked about being sorry her boss picked up as soon as she said it was him to take care of (real) business and ended "I really miss you." After I peeled myself off the ceiling, I asked him about the message and he said he didn't do anything and it was just someone from a supplier and she called everyone "babe." OKAY.....<P>Here's where I was naughty. I need to confess and I can't confess to H...<P>I wrote down her e-mail address before I confronted him (they always disappear as soon as I do) and on Thursday I sent her a message saying I was writing on behalf of my husband who owns [name of small business] and I was wondering if he had actually gotten what he needed from [really distinctive name of her boss]. I said I didn't usually help with [business], but my husband was busier than usual this month and I saw an open action in his journal with this e-mail address next to it and it was month-end and all. Then I sent another one saying that I saw my husband had closed the action with Mr. Distinctive Name and to please ignore my e and forgive the intrusion.<P>Well, if everything was innocent, so was this, right? Okay. I was lying, too. But I was just sick of being a doormat, you know what I mean?<P>Anyway, I got an e-mail back from her saying that it was no problem, nothing to forgive. At no point in time did she address me as "babe," FYI.<P>E-mails from her have stopped (at least on the machine I can access). H hasn't said anything about it, and neither have I. Though I've been dying to find out whether she said anything to him!!!<P>Anyway. There is a part of me that is feeling smug and a part of me that is feeling sad that I lovebusted by sending this. (There is no part of me sad for snooping, though.)<P>Could you all set me back on the right path so I don't do this in the future? <P>Thanks. --HBC

HBC;<P>Sorry, I can't put you on the right path because I would agree with what you did.<P>Now she knows and I bet she didn't say a thing to him!<BR>Sorry someone else is going to have to <BR>lead you to that path you were talking about. <P>------------------<BR>Peg

Did you ever hear the song from that John Travolta movie, "There are worse things I could do". Hate to tell you but after my H admitted to affair I did all kinds of snooping, some worse than that.....I don't know if it's lovebusting either, you didn't scream at her something about not writing again ever again. Someone here on this forum started a thread about how you could do some SERIOUS snooping! I told my H outright that I had been snooping though and he understood it. He told me he didn't really expect me to do otherwise considering the circumstances. And he made me feel good even though some of the stuff I found was more of a lovebust on myself than on him. He didn't know that he hadn't erased ALL the e-mails from her or that I could access the e=mails he had sent her, I knew I could because I'm the one that set up his computer and was more literate in what could be done......I'm also the only one that hurt myself. <BR>I don't think snooping is bad because you have to do it sometimes, just to make yourself feel better, but then you also have to be prepared to accept what you find. <BR>God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

I am in total agreement w/ snooping. Its very hard to "just start trusting again" like my 1st therapist suggested. (i fired her) The advice I've been given here from some amazing MB members is that the best thing to do when you snoop is to use the info to your advantage w/o bringing it up to H. If H finds out he will refer to it as an invasion of privacy (not in my opinion because during their own personal time to themselves H's should not be communicating w/ any other women). Use what you learn about them to help strenghten your relationship. This is the hardest thing i have ever had to do - but i am doing it - and if i can do it anyone can. Hide your emotions about what you find from them (this will take every ounce of strength you have) but it will be worth it.<P>

I agree....snoop away discretely and with caution that you won't be found out as that will be a major LB. Use the information to your advantage. It should help you to know when to implement different things in Plan A.<P>J W

I agree with what everyone said, I just would have never confronted him about the e-mail you saw. That way, you could have continued to snoop and see if more e-mails came out of it. <BR>I have been snooping also (I hate to admit it, but I have to know!). My H has had internet affairs and since we have talked about it, the correspondance has diminished, but definately has not gone away. He stopped using his e-mail address and now uses yahoo messenger. Took me awhile to crack that because I needed his password to get in. Finally found a way to get in, so now I can check his messages. Just have to be very careful, because every time I check it, the location gets logged. If he ever checked that closely, he would know I found a way to check his e-mail. He hasn't mentioned anything yet.<P>Sorry, I rambled. My only advice is to keep snooping, just don't let on if you find anyting (even the bad stuff). See where he goes with it, then think about how to address it without him finding out you snooped. Otherwise, that avenue will be closed and you will have to find another way to snoop.<BR>

Wow, I didn't realize that everyone would agree with my actions. For the record, I don't feel bad for snooping, I kind of feel bad for misrepresenting myself and letting "Babe" lady know he was married. In all fairness, she probably had no idea he was married. She does now, though...<P>Also, I cannot imagine snooping and not fessing up. It just seems wrong. Heaven knows we have enough wrong things in our relationship without ME keeping secrets, too.

Okay....my opinion is different from everyone else's.<P>I did snoop on my H's e-mail. Why? Because he had put on a "password" on his e-mail account when none had been there before. It was obvious he was trying to hide something.<P>Well, the first e-mail arrived from former OW. She was trying to weasel her way back into our lives. Affair had ended 9 months prior! But, here she was....trying again.<P>My H had responded. Stupid him. Thinking that he & OW could innocently send friendly jokes to each other....denying that this OW was trying to start something again. Well, if it was so innocent, it wouldn't be secret e-mails, right?<P>As I said earlier, I found out about this early on... I confronted him with it. Having her back in our lives after 9 months of recovery was ridiculous. It made me feel like the 9 months didn't mean diddily....if this OW could get my H to communicate with her. Obviously, he didn't feel as much guilt about his affair than I thought he did.<P>I confronted him about this and nipped it in the bud. Why should I sit there and let him have regular contact with this woman? I have had enough of this infidelity crap and told him that either he wants to stay in our marriage and work it out....or he can leave and be with her. I've already spent 9 months at recovery and I don't want to waste anymore of my precious time.<P>My H immediately wrote this OW, a "no contact" letter...and then I sent her a letter warning her to stay away also (or else I would consider any future contact as harrassment).<P>She replied to my e-mail, but I ignored it. I don't need to be conversing and wasting my time on a person who means nothing to me. <P>She has stayed away since then.

Snooping is not only a good idea, it is a great one. I was never a suspicious person. Now I check H pockets, wallet, Email (he doesn't know I know password), office(went and made copy of his keys & go at night when he is asleep), vehicle...you get the idea, I leave nothing to the imagination. I have found dinner reciepts, Emails (made copies & sent them to my new Email adress that he doesn't even know I have), a hotel reciept from when he took her away for the weekend (he was supposed to be skiing with his cousin) The last one sent me over the edge...checked in as Mr/Mrs.....AUGH! But I have all these things saftely hidden away outside my home, because if things don't work out, they may come in handy. My first thought when I found the hotel reciept was to roll it up in the dinner napkins on Easter (In-laws will be here - boy I can't wait for that) and let it all come out to his parents...BUT the sesible Mommy can't do that to her almost 5 year old. I am rambling, sorry, but snoop away my dear, remember knowledge truely is power.