Hi. I had to tell you guys about last night. H is back home as many of you know. Things had been OK for the last week. Well, I had a Dr. appointment last night. It ran really late and I didn't get home until 9:15. H was in our bedroom (he's not sleeping in there right now) smoking (which I hate) and drinking and listening to loud music. Kids were downstairs. No baths, kitchen was a mess. I was exhausted (my normal state these days). I had to get up at 5:30 this morning and wanted nothing more than a cup of tea and my bed. Well, H didn't want to relinquish the bedroom just yet and asked if he could have 5 more minutes. Well, 5 minutes turned into 30. Now it's 9:45. I finally go back in the bedroom and go ahead and get ready for bed. I settle in as best I can (what with the room reeking of smoke and music turned up full blast). Finally he turns the music off at about 10:00 and leaves the room. Next thing I know he's downstairs yelling about something. I check only to find out he can't get the pantry door open (it sticks). Then he comes back to the bedroom and just sits up in bed - he wouldn't be still, kept pulling at the curtains and ruined my curtain rod. I told him I was really tired. He decides to go in the bathroom adjoining our bedroom and turns on the light and starts smoking again. I have asthma and I coulnd't sleep with the light and the smoke both. I asked him (nicely) to go downstairs so I could sleep. Now its like 10:30. He goes in the other bathroom and stays in there playing his music. I can't sleep anymore because I'm so keyed up and pissed and scared. I keep rolling around in the bed for about 45 minutes. He comes back in the bedroom and lays back down. But he keeps talking to himself and keeping me awake. I realize that he is VERY drunk. He goes in and out of the bedroom several times keeping me up. Finally he comes in and sits on the bed and starts asking, "What is wrong with you." "Why won't you talk to me, all I want to do is talk." So I sit up and turn on the light and say, "Ok, talk then." He gets mad and leaves and comes back several times saying he just wanted some company, to talk, on and on and on. Finally he comes in and says, "You know, you said it was gonna be different, but its not. You are more interested in sleeping than in me. It will never change. You lied." Then he slams the door. It's about 11:45 by now. He doesn't come back (I don't go to him either), but now I can't get to sleep at all. I finally fell asleep around 1 am. I don't know what to make of it. It really scared me. Does anybody know what to make of that. I have been doing my darndest not to LB, but this is trying the patience of a saint. Any comments or suggestions would be helpful. I am totally depressed and clueless today. I don't even know what I did wrong. <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keri,<P>SOrry to hear of your bad night. <P>Did H do that kind of stuff before? If so, then maybe he isn't changing either (although its kind of soon). If not, it must be part of withdrawal. <P>The thing is, if you two really want to make the marriage work, both of you will have to sacrifice. <P>Do you know if he has contact with OW? <P>I am sorry to hear of this, and I have no specific experience in it , however, just wanted to tell you I saw your post and wanted to offer some support.<P>Prayers are with you, Dana<BR>

Hi K7,<BR>A few comments. First of all, how did things go with the Doc?<P>When your H said he wanted to talk, it may have been a good time to say "I like talking with you. I find it difficult to be comfortable talking if you are smoking/been drinking, etc. Maybe we could go down to the kitchen/living room. What would you like to talk about?"<P>When he says that you haven't changed, I'm finding out that it is a <B>really</B> good opportunity for me to start asking specific questions. (ie. I'm glad to hear you telling me how you feel. What is it that you feel I need to do to change in a way that makes you happy etc.) <P>Very difficult when you are already p!ssed at their inconsiderate actions to empathize with <B>their</B> needs. I imagine that with what you have been through lately it is doubly difficult. Try taking on the mentallity of a student as opposed to one who is being preached to - all the while keeping your ultimate goal in mind - a happy marriage.<P>Please take care of you in all of this. If you are unable to find the energy to talk when he deems himself ready and wanting, you may want to suggest a firm time that you would love to sit down with him to do so.<P>It is also possible in Plan A to let him know your feelings about needing some help without LB-ing, along with your health concerns re: smoking in the bedroom. Don't lecture, respect his point of view, his words, his reasons for his actions and try to come to a conclusion that has you both doing a happy dance.<P>Hey, maybe tonight, as soon as kids are in bed you could go to him and tell him that you are feeling frustrated because you feel like you let him down lastnight and would like to address any of his concerns. <P>Stay strong. Three cheers for K7 for working hard so hard to get through all this cr@p -<BR>Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray! <P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa<BR> <P>

Talked to H this morning. He said he was feeling really guilty last night and then angry. We were "intimate" before I went to my appointment and he said he felt bad about it because his heart wasn't in it and he took it out on me. He said I wasn't doing anything wrong last night. I told him I really did understand. I know he is depressed right now. I let him know that I had been trying not to push and to give him the space and time he needs. He said he will try not to drink too much because that's really the only time he acts like that. That's the only time he ever gets really nasty and mean. I thought I was doing the right thing when he wanted to be "intimate" yesterday. Was I wrong? He initiated it. I didn't mind, either. It felt good being close to him. But it hurt like he!! when he said his heart wasn't in it. I am so confused. I think I really screwed up last night.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Hi Keri,<BR> I had already sent you an email, before I read your latest post. I'm really glad you two talked. Maybe tonight, you could sit down with him, and tell him that you would like to hear his thoughts. Ask him to not drink, as a favor to you. Or, you could ask him to try to not discuss important issues when he has been drinking and his thoughts are not clear. Alcohol has a nasty way of distorting and twisting peoples' thought processes. <BR> As for the intimate times, I'm so sorry that he said what he said to you. That must have hurt. Just keep in mind that he is going through withdrawal right now. Don't feel guilty, you have a need to be intimate with your H... there is no sin in that. <BR> Yes, it is so hard to not LB when your H is LBing all over the place. Also, you are in clinical depression. Your situation is especially difficult. Hang in there, Keri. Do a mean Plan A. Hard as it is in your life right now, it will pay off. <BR> Keep talking to your therapist and to us. Don't shut your H out. Let him know that you *want* to talk with him, just let him now that it needs to be at an appropriate time. <BR> Hugs to you(((((((Keri)))))))<BR> Mynabird

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I think I really screwed up last night.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> What makes you say that? Especially since he has acknowledged his feelings about his role in the events. Sounds like his withdrawal is stiring feelings of guilt in him. You might just try "I know how hard this is on you and am happy to talk about it if you like."<P>The fact that he said you haven't changed is an opportunity to explore what he wants to see though. You might try to get some kind of dialogue going on it.<P>How was the Doc's? (foot tapping impatiently). <P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa

Lisa,<P>I skated past the Doc's appt because it was a weird session. She's kind of confused about my H coming home at this point. So am I as a matter of fact. We got into some of my past issues last night. Up until I started on Prozac 4 years ago, I had always felt very "disconnected" like I wasn't really me. We discussed some of that. I have a history as an abused child and a lot of that is coming up right now. Plus the fact that I am terribly depressed. She suggested I have my MD up my Prozac to 40 mg/day for now. I called to get an appt with him. Thanks for asking. (You can stop tapping your foot now )<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

K7, <BR>I am sorry. I should have realized that if there was something you wanted to share you would have.<P>Thank you. It must be tough trying to deal with all the issues past, present and future. How do you feel about increasing your doses? (My foot is <B>not</B> tapping. Pretend I didn't ask the question if you prefer.) <P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa<p>[This message has been edited by LisaM (edited April 04, 2000).]

It's really OK. I just didn't know how to broach it. I think upping my Prozac is good on the one hand, but the decreased sex drive side effect is NOT good. I may discuss with my Dr. if there is another anti-dep I can take without that side effect. I have thought maybe going in as an inpatient would help if I change meds. I don't know. Things are just too darn complicated right now. I want to get amnesia and wind up in some tiny Canadian town where no one knows me. OK...just fantasizing a little there. <P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Hey - I live in a (not so small) Canadian City. C'mon up! The weather isn't always so bad and when we emerge from our igloos in late Spring we're a ton of fun to hang out with! Ever eat a Beavertail?<P>Have you ever tried other anti-deps that do not have an effect on the sacred sex drive? I understand your concerns in light of your circumstances.<P> <BR>Lisa

K7: You have my sympathy for your bad night. I wish I could wave a wand and make things better for you. Since, I cannot, I will definitely say a prayer for both you and your spouse. Yes, it sounds like he is going through major withdrawal symptoms, but as time passes and he's committed to making the marriage work, he'll get through it.<BR>As I mentioned in other posts, having an OP can be like added weight that seems to be more of a burden. Hopefully he will feel the relief of not having an OP to worry about or withdraw over. Like overcoming an addiction. I wish you much luck and stay strong. Remember to take care of yourself as well.

Never had beaver tail...I've heard its very rich. <P>About 10-11 years ago I was on Elavil for a while. But I don't remember much about it. That's the only other one. <P>If you find someone on your doorstep with a Southern accent who has no idea who she is...keep that info to yourself...she doesn't want to know. (he-he)<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

I called H a few minutes ago to check to see how he was. Nothing too "touchy-feely". Mainly I just wanted to make sure he got out of bed and was planning to go to work. He was very rude on the phone. Then he called back and said,"Look, don't call anymore just to check up on me. If you have something to say then say it, otherwise just leave me alone. OK?" I got off the phone and started crying. I can't even be kind to him without him being nasty. I think he wants me to hate him or something. Man, I had no idea it would be this hard. It wasn't this bad last summer when he went through withdrawal the first time. I guess he's more emotionally attached this time. I don't know what to do now. I had actually started to feel better when he called back. <P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Keri}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Try to stay away from discussions when either or both of you have been drinking. I know for us it has been like setting gasoline on fire. Friday night we had a few drinks and Guard ended up leaving me at a restaurant and driving away. I was only a mile from home, so began walking...drinking makes this kind of crap happen--at least in our lives.<P>I found that the closer Guard felt to me as we were separated, sometimes the more distant, nearly to the point of cruelty he would move. It's tough. Obviously, after 1 1/2 years, I got to the point of not being able to take it. But you can hang in a LONG time with support and clear goals for yourself.<P>Best wishes<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Breath deep. You are on an emotional roller coaster - and so is your husband. It is tough when one of you wants both of you at the top and due to circumstances, one keeps you on the bottom for longer than you would like.<P>Focus. Be strong. Keep posting, venting, sharing, crying. Let it all out. Hey - I think I see a rainbow through the clouds out there. It's a ways off but if you look hard it is really there.<P>I have some <I>friends</I> working on a new i.d. for you. How'd ya like the name Ima Pissedoffwife as a new one? First thing you'll need is comfort food and what better place than the local Beavertail stand of course. I'll make reservations for 2, Ima and Lisa. (Would you prefer cinnamon & sugar or strawberry jam?) <P>P.S. Even though you can probably chalk it up to withdrawal, it's o.k. to call your husbands actions thosef a poo poo head, if only to yourself and to us <P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa<BR>

Definitely a "poo-poo" head. I like that name. Just don't tell me who I really am.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Maybe no one wants to say this or no one will agree, but I think that at least a part of your H must resent you for your suicide attempt and feel you forced him to come home out of fear for your survival. I think that however he came home, he's home and now your marriage does have a chance. But I think you have to face that he is probably feeling some of this. I think most people would. He went from making plans one day to move the OW here to totally giving her up and moving back in with you. Moving back in with you and working on the marriage is what he should do and is the right thing to do and I hope he sticks it out. For your sake and for your childrens sake and for his sake. But just realize that he is probably feeling some resentment of you for controlling him, even though I know that's not what you meant to do and that it was really only because you were in total despair. And it's probaby going to take a while for him to work on that. Maybe though that's where some of the anger you saw last night is coming from.<P>Del

Del,<BR>I have much the same opinion as you. I realize he probably feels manipulated into being back home. But one thing...he had already started the week before all that talking about coming back home. He always did it in sort of a backhanded way and never let on it was because of me. But I had set some controls over visitation, expenses, etc. and he didn't like the "real life" feel of everything. In fact, the night before while OW was in town we got into a major argument about his coming back. I told him I didn't want him back unless he was willing to give her up and work on us. I think my suicide attempt gave him an easy excuse to come back which I think he already wanted to do. He slid back into our lives way too easy. Only now, a week later, is he starting to see exactly what being home means. I think he is just now starting to feel those withdrawal symptoms. He will also use my suicide attempt to pretend he wasn't really wanting to come back home. He HAD to. But I realize that is probably what some of his anger last night was. Still, I don't think I should have to be harrassed all night by a drunk. It's all such a horrible mess. Can I have someone elses life please?<P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Ima,<BR>Regardless of the reasons your H is with you, use the opportunity to your best advantage and <B>GO GIRL</B>. <P>Ooops, I don't want you to get to cosy with your new I.D. before you start your new life or you will know who you are when you get here already. Cinnamon or jam?<P>Keep up your great efforts. You <B>will</B> get there, no matter how far away the rainbow seems to be. <P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa

Thanks Lisa...you have made getting through this day bearable. H just called from his cell phone on his way to work. He called to apologize for being so rude this morning. He wants to talk when he gets home at 11:30 tonight. I don't know if I can stand another sleepless night. He said he didn't know if he could get through this. I explained that I understood what he was feeling. I told him it's going to be very hard. We might not make it. Then he backtracked and said..."I just had a bad day yesterday and today, don't let this get you depressed." He also said he didn't like the alternative (us being divorced). I may see if I can take a day of vacation tomorrow and stay up to talk with him tonight. What do you guys think??<BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com