Hi.<P>I received an e-mail from an old e-mail address that I rarely check. <P>Anyway, I opened the e-mail to read it. I didn't read the e-mail because I missed the OM or because I wanted to hear what he had to say...I opened it because I felt angry -- angry that this guy won't take NO for an answer...ANGRY that this guy won't go away and let me heal.<P>The e-mail simply said that he was moving and that he'd be off of the computer for a few months. He also said that he loved me. Then he said, "But, it's not like you care that I love you or that you care that I won't be on the computer for a few months."<P>Well, I responded to the e-mail.<P>I wrote:<P>I am becoming very angry at your attempts to contact me. You're right: I don't care. I don't love you. I'm married. I love my husband. You made the choice NOT to fight for your marriage. You and your wife both decided to get a divorce before I was even in the picture. I made the choice to fight for my marriage. Please respect the fact that I no longer wish to have contact with you in any way. You WANT me to say that I still care for you. You WANT me to say that if I would've left my husband for you that we would still be a couple. Well, you will NEVER hear me say either of those things. My eyes have been opened to the kind of person that you really are. And, under no circumstance do I ever want to hear from you or see you again. I've said this to you several times, and you just don't seem to get it...<P>Go and make new friends. I am not your friend/lover/soulmate/girlfriend, etc. I am my husband's wife...I belong to my husband and NOT to you.<P>Once again, I will tell you that our weekend together is not a highlight in my mind or heart. You and the weekend that I spent with you represent the darkest time in my life and in my marriage. <P>I will say this again and I will say it in the nicest way possible: Back-off. Go away. I do not want to be contacted by you.<P>Jill<P>****************************************<P>I have a headache. I'm tired of all of this. When I ended the relationship with the OM a year ago, I deleted every e-mail that I had ever written him or that he had ever written me. I tore up letters and cards that he had sent to me, etc. He had told me before I ended our "relationship" that he would never delete the e-mails from me. It hit me today that this guy could send copies of our old e-mails to anyone...including my husband. The OM has been in control of me for a year, and I didn't even realize it until today. I guess the positive thing is that my eyes have been further opened to the truth of how UGLY the whole affair really was and how UGLY the lies are still.<P>I'm so frustrated because I made the decision NOT to tell my husband about my affair. But, I realize that even 10 years from now, the OM could snap and send my husband evidence of just about everything that happened between us. I love my husband too much to let him find out from anyone but me.<P>You know what else? I'm NOT "eaten up" with the guilt of the affair anymore. I know that God has forgiven me of that. But, I do feel that I am "eaten up" with a desire to continue to be faithful and true to my husband. I am "eaten up" with the desire to move past all of this junk. I am "eaten up" with the desire to tell my husband and get all of this out in the open. I want to heal. I want my marriage to heal. <P>In my heart, I know that if I tell my husband, he will ask me to leave or he will leave himself. I don't have anywhere to go. I don't want my family or his family involved in this whole thing. <P>Yep...should've thought about that before I got involved with another man.<P>I am 28 years old, and I feel that if I tell my husband, life as I know it will end. I'm terrified of the unknown. <P>I'd really love to hear from those betrayed and those who did the betraying as to where your marriage is or is NOT after the affair was revealed. I would like to hear from betrayers as to if they are GLAD that they told and got everything into the open, or if you wish you would've just kept your big mouth shut. <P>I do not wish to start another debate on "to tell or not to tell". I would just like to hear a few "case studies" of some various outcomes.<P>Yuck. What a MESS I've created for myself. <P>I just wanted to share my thought process today. I'm so sorry to ramble. <P>Thanks for "listening". Thanks in advance for helping me.<P>Jill<P><BR>

Jill -- OK, here goes.<P>I am betrayed. My W did NOT voluntarily tell me anything. I caught her in an Internet / Emotional affair with MANY different men. She tried desperately to deny everything. It was not until I produced her Emails that finally admitted to what I had found.<P>It was a couple months later that I found proof of her Physical affair. It would be an understatement to say that I was angry. To this day, if I ever see the scum bag, he will disappear from the face of the earth.<P>Not once during these times of discovery, did I ever raise my voice. Not once did I physically attack my W. To be very honest with you, I was afraid to do anything except cry. I didn't know whether or not I would be able to control myself.<P>It's been over two years since the problems between my W and I first developed. There have been some very trying times. A lot of pain, a lot of crying, a lot of doubt, a lot of questions. There have also been a lot of good times since then as well.<P>My W and I are still together. We are still trying to to deal with everything that has happened to us, but over all I think we are doing very well. The key, I think is to realize that we can't stop. We can't fall back into our old ways. We have to continue to move forward.<P>By the way, my W reads and occasionally posts here as well. Her name is hopeful1771.<P>I hope this helps you in some way.<P>God Bless

Okay, I have said it before, but I am glad I was the one who came clean. But, I was eaten alive by the guilt the first time. but the second and third(same man) I wasn't. I tried to end my marriage by having the affair.<P>I am glad I told. i do not have anything to worry about on a daily basis. He knows everything.<P>I posted, I wrote the letter, and you know what? I too am afraid that he won't leave me alone when it is said and done. so I have made the decision to give it to him right before we leave. Then he canot contact me.<P>But today We ARE on our way to recovery. <P>Initally, my H through me out! But we decided after a fasion that the kids were to devasted for me to leave. although i too had no where to go. I did not want too go to OM house either.(I do not want more kids! he has 2)<P>I still say honesty is the best policy. How is he going to feel if in a few yeaers the affair comes to light? Probably that the years past were baloney, untruthful, bogus. He may take it worse than now. <P>Good Luck,<BR>I have posted many times to these questions. Read some, and if i can offer any more help, let me know<BR>Mercy

I was betrayed by my H. In my case, by the time I found out, I already had a ton of suspicion so for me, in a way, knowing was actually a relief.<P>With it finally out in the open, I felt that we could deal with it and hopefully get past it.<BR> <BR>As for where our marriage was right after I found out for sure, well....it was tough.<BR>There were so many questions. I wanted answers that he did not have. I felt my world had turned upside down. I was incredibly angry. How could I love this person I had trusted and shared everything with when he turned around and had a relationship with a mutual friend of ours - and she lived with us during part of this time too! <P>She was having trouble with her H so when her H kicked her out, she came to stay with us a for a bit. Of course I did not know about the affair at that time. I found out later her H kicked her out because my H had kissed her and he found out about it!<P>Jill, what could be worse than having you H and the OW live with you while you are unaware of thier affair? Well, OK, I have to admit, I have heard of worse things on this board. But my point is that in spite of everything, I did not leave my husband. So you see, you may be understimating your H's capacity to forgive.<P>We all make mistakes. Even big ones. We all deserve a second chance. You can not save your H from the hurt that this will cause him or the anger that he will feel. I suggest you read After the affair before you tell him. It really hits the head on how someone feels right after the affair and may help you address you H feelings with more understading and strength.<P>Be prepared to answer tons of questions and to withstand a potential whirl wind of anger. But if you show your H you love him inspite of his anger and you go out of your way to prove your love to him during this time, you are more likely to find that you H will work on your relatioship with you.<P>Have you considered sharing your posts with your H?<P>In the end, you will have to decide if you will tell him or not. But I don't think that an affair has to end your marriage. If you give your H enought time to heal and enough love and understanding, he may come to the same conclusion.<P>Acacai<P>

Jill<P>From what I understand, you've been going back and forth about this thing for awhile.<BR>Am I right? Maybe I'm wrong and I want to be careful, but it may well be that you don't have a peace about this because not telling your husband the truth is not the right answer.<P>Whether or not it is or isn't, I do know that you cannot base a good marriage on lies. It just doesn't happen that way. <P>As to your question about whether or not <BR>marriages have ended after an affair has been revealed. I am the betrayed spouse,<BR>and although my husband didn't have a PA<BR>(although I'm not totally certain yet that didn't happen) he did have a number of EA's<BR>and eventually became addicted to internet pornography. <P>At one point the Lord led me to promise Him that I wouldn't divorce my husband no matter what happened. I don't want to go into all that has happened right now, but I believed that much of it happened because my husband wasn't honest with me in the first place. <BR>Because of that our marriage had little chance to grow. Our marriage didn't start improving until he did start telling me the truth.<P>What I'm saying is this: I know that many ministers have good intentions when they advise keeping secrets. But, I believe that keeping secrets can also lead to divorse.<BR>I know it's risky (believe me I do know what the risks are-I've been on both sides of the fence), but either way, you will be taking a risk. Being honest is only "risk" that will lead to a better marriage than you would have otherwise.<P>CJ

I just wanted to say that I agree with CJ. Honesty is really the only path to a better marriage. The existance of a lie, or hiding key information really dilutes the foundation of any relationship.<P>Acacai

Jill,<P>Again you amaze me with your firm, positive, marriage affirming actions.<P>You know how I feel about this. You need to tell because A) you will always live in fear of him finding out from someone else, B) The deceit is a cancer in your relationship, and C) it is a heavy load of baggage to carry around<P>There is no way to know what would happen if you told. But you have SO MUCH in your favor. You have arrived ON YOUR OWN at the decision to devote yourself to your H. That is more valuable than diamonds and gold. You have forcefully tried to lose your OM. Oh, what that would mean to me if my W did that.<P>It's your call. Only you can decide. You have my admiration for what you have already done, and my prayers for wisdom and strength for whatever you decide to do.<P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

Jill,<P>I am among the betrayed around here. I have been following your story and have admired the courage you have shown in facing your bad decisions. <P>When my H had his affair in the fall of 98 I knew something was going on but it wasn't until December that I found proof and confronted him. Between D-day and last contact day, in Feb 99, I must have heard 59 stories about what was going on and each one tore my heart to shreds. It has taken a lot of time, patience, love and tears but B and I are in such a better place. Our relationship is stronger now than it ever has been.<P>B was afraid I would kick him out. He was afraid of a lot of things which made him avoid the conflict of what telling the truth would bring. You said you afraid that life as you know it will end. Yes..it will...but are you happy with the way life is now? It certainly doesn't sound like it.<P>The love you have for your husband shows through your posts and I hope you are able to communicate that to him in person. I know it will be agony to tell him but <B>imo</B> that is the only way you are going to find the peace you are seeking. You are also afraid that the OM will snap and do something cruel. Which is a possibility. As a betrayed I would have much preferred that B would have come to me and told me with much remorse instead of finding out the way I did (searching through his computer and finding love letters).<P>It's your call, Jill and this is just my opinion. I just stand with the camp of people who beleive that the wound is not going to heal until the truth comes out.<P>You are in my prayers.<P>Jodi

Hi Jill,<P>I am the betrayed, and I probably have a lot in common with your husband. My husband, who posts here as firestorm, had a brief affair with a long-time friend. It only happened one time, but he kept it a secret for about six weeks, so I count it as a six week affair.<P>I had no idea that he had or ever would be unfaithful to me until he confessed. I was in total shock for about four days, and then I was angry, hurt, devastated, uncertain of what to do, etc. <P>My initial reaction was that we must separate. I guess like most people, I never thought that I could live with someone who cheated and lied to me. My husband was totally remorseful, he cried with me and apologized over and over, begging me to forgive him.<P>After the initial shock and anger wore off, we went to a counselor. I still didn't know how to deal with the situation or what I was going to do. The counselor helped me focus and deal with the reality of the affair. He basically listened to the whole story, counselled us individually and jointly, and helped us to put the affair into perspective. The most helpful thing he did was to ask me if I was ready to give up my marriage for one action that took about 10 minutes and meant nothing to my husband. He told me to make sure that it was worth sacrificing a 24 year relationship for. <P>Well, it certainly wasn't. So six months later we are in recovery. It's a long hard struggle, but our marriage WILL survive this.<P>I can also tell you this- the woman my husband was involved with would have used it against us at some point. It was so much better for me to find out the truth from my husband that from her. She would have used it to blackmail my husband and to hurt me and my children and I have no doubts about it.<P>The decision about telling your husband is yours to make, but do you really want to try to live with the fear hanging over your marriage? I believe a good relationship must be based on honesty, but I also know that the affair would have destroyed our marriage eventually, either by the other woman revealing it or because my husband's guilt was slowly destroying our relationship. The truth gave us a chance to save our marriage.<P>I'm not sure this helps you, but I hope it does. Please know that no matter what you choose to do about telling your husband, you will find support and help here.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint

Jill:<P>First--your reply email to the OM was awesome. Whether you decide to tell or not, keep a copy of your reply...you may want to show it to H some day.<P>Second--I was betrayed. My H had an EA when our marriage was in a pretty frayed state. He did not tell me right away, and we had several talks about our marriage and several sessions with a counselour before he told me abt the OW (whom he was still in-love with). <P>I'm glad he did tell me...I think dealing with the aftermath IS strengthening our marriage--we have been very supportive of each other. I'm not sure, but I think I'm also glad he did not tell me at the beginning of our rebuilding efforts, but waited til we were feeling a little closer (we were pretty far apart back in December), bcs I well might have kicked him out then. IF the affair had been over for a year or two, and IF we had rebuilt a strong marriage, I'm not sure I would have wanted to know or not...(which is why I posted to you before in an effort to be supportive, but not to weigh in on one side or the other). Hope this has been confusing enough...<P>Hugs--<BR>Kathi

Jill,<BR>Bravo for you. You have gotten yourself going in the right direction and you know the path won't be easy. It is indeed possible that if you tell your husband of the affair your fears my be realized. He may leave you or kick you out. But then Harley says that after the initial shock, most couples try to work it out. Some succeed, some don't. If it doesn't work out you can at least say that you've done everything possible to clear the slate and you will own a clear conscience in that regard. <BR>My wife hid her affair for 5 years. During that time our marriage deteriorated because of the guilt load she carried with her. I was in the dark and had no way of knowing how to deal with her depression and anger. She withdrew almost completely from me. To be honest, sometimes I wish she had never told me. But if she hadn't I'm sure the marriage would have ended anyway. I was so desperate for love she couldn't give because of her guilt, that I began an affiar myself.<BR>After she told me, she had hell to pay. I was not kind. Sometimes, I'm still not. I hurt badly. I reacted badly. But at least we now have a handle to a problem that has a name - infidelity. And we are, in our own imperfect way trying to move on.<BR>No matter what steps you take down your path, if you are headed to a right destination, God will smile on the right intention of your heart and you will be all right.<BR>Godspeed!<BR>Pilgrim

Jill,<P>I can only tell you what was my experience and what my H told me was his expeience.<P>I was always somebody that felt if my H ever had an affair that would be the end of it. Our marriage would be over and I would never want anything to do with him again and to tell the truth that was my initial reaction. The shock and hurt of his relevation tore my heart out and the only thing that I wanted was to get as far away from the thing that had caused the pain. But relativily quickly I realized that I wanted to save my marriage. Infidelity hurt like he!l but my marriage was worth fighting for. <BR>I must say that I am "glad" that my H told me about the affair. If I had found out from somebody else or if I had stumbled upon it accidently I think it may have been more painful. There were a few instances that I recall during his affair(it was ongoing after revelation) when I did stumble upon something that he was dishonest about and I must say I was more hurt and angered and distrustful because of this.<P>From my H's perspective, he has told me that when he disclosed his affair to me it was like a weight was lifted off his shoulders. He also has said that it was the hardest thing he had ever had to say, and the look on my face was one that he hopes never to see again.<P>Since my H revealed his affair to me we have been more concious of the fragility of our marriage. We are taking steps now to continue making deposits into each others "love banks", and trying to avoid love busters. We are also more aware of the need to <B>REALLY</B> spend to together and are making and effort to set aside time for just the 2 of us.<P>Infidelity in my marriage was something that I never really considered. Now it is something that I have to think about, but not in an entirely negative way. The steps that should be taken to avoid infidelity in a marriage are really the steps to keep love in a marriage and that can never feel bad. <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Dear Jill,<P>So far, you've gotten pretty unanimous advice. I agree with what I've read, but conditionally. Here's why...<P>First, like you, I have no children. I have read time and again how people who were cheated on survived the betrayal for or because of the children. Where the W is the betrayer and there are no children involved, the risk of the H leaving is substantial.<P>Nonetheless, I believe that your marriage can never grow into what you want it to be until you come clean. So the question becomes, when to tell, not whether to tell.<P>It sounds like you have no grace to keep the secret much longer. My wife did, and she waited three years to confess. I'm glad she waited... it saved our marriage. I wrote a long reply to a thread started by Schizzo about two weeks ago on this exact subject if you care to read further on my analysis of the situation.<P>My wife needed to wait for several reasons that don't appear to be present in your situation. Her affair lasted three years, and she was still very passionately in love with the OM. During these years our relationship had greatly deteriorated. I stayed with her and stayed faithful to her because of my commitment to Christ, not because I was happy in my marriage. If 'released' from my marital bonds because of her adultery, I truly believe I would have thrown her out and started life over.<P>If you do decide to confess, please read my "Truths I learned from my wife's affair" post on the notable posts thread. One of the reasons that our recovery period was so short was that God seemed to pour out wisdom on what to do and what not to do throughout the whole miserable period of our recovery. If you tell, there will be many times where how well you handle a situation will affect the depth and speed of your H's recovery.<P>Bottom line: you need to tell soon, because you have no grace to wait. But the timing of your confession must be right! My wife told me at the perfect moment. Please pray and have your friends pray that He will show you exactly when and how to confess.<P>My prayers are with you,<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P>

To everyone,<P>This is not the time to be giving a Jill a guilt trip about "honesty". She already said that she did not want to get into a debate about "to tell or not to tell". Your decision, or your spouse's decision was yours and yours alone. Only she can determine what is best for her!!! And that doesn't make her a bad person, a liar, or anything else. She is clearly trying to do what is best for her marriage and for herself. <P>Jill, <BR>I respect your decision no matter what it is. You are the only one who will have to live with it, so please try to stay clear of advice from people who say "you should do this, or you should do that". I won't be telling you what I think you should do either... I will tell you my thoughts about my life prior to, during, and after my confession. Take it for what it is worth.<P>Before I confessed, I knew deep down that it would come out eventually. A year, 5 years, 10 years, or on my deathbed that it would come out. The reason why I chose the time I did was because my H and I were looking for a house at the time. He was supporting me for my PhD (financially but certainly not emotionally). I predicted that my PhD would take about 4-5 years. If I had waited until after my PhD was finished to confess, I knew it would look like I had used him. I did not want to leave him with that impression, regardless of the outcome for our marriage. Also, I knew I could not remain in the marriage I was in indefinately. Something had to change!! At the time, I felt that confessing was the only hope I had. <P>Looking back, I feel there were other choices I could have made besides just spilling my guts. First, I wish I had gotten myself into counseling before I confessed. I would have been in a much better emotional state, and probably would not have put up with my husband's abuse for as long as I did. I think the main reason I was so pissed about confessing is because of the way he treated me and the fact that I let him treat me so badly. This is the reason why I caution people about confessing. You know as well as I that when/if you confess, you will be placing yourself at your husband's mercy. You need to be in a good place yourself before you are strong enough to deal with the outcome. If you decide you are not strong enough to deal with the outcome right now, then you are not a bad person for waiting. Do take measures to make yourself a stronger person. <P>One thing I did prior to confession was shore up my support network. While my H and I were having problems, I had pushed aside alot of my friends. I got back in touch with those friends and with my family, so after my confession I had people to turn to. This is very, very important!! <P>When people tell you "it is likely your H will want to work this out with you", I think it is unfair. Unfair because they don't know your H like you do. Realistically, you need to feel like you will be OK regardless of what your H does or does not do. Then you will not be tied to any false hopes or expectations. <P>Finally... It has taken me quite some time to admit the following:<P>1) I'm glad that the marriage I had is over. There is no way I could have lived with the way things were indefinately. If my confession brought an ending to my marriage, then so be it. I'm glad I'm not living with the treatment my H gave me, both before and after my affair. <P>2) If I had chosen not to confess, and my marriage had improved, I'd be happy with that too. Since I'm not married anymore, I can't say if I would have confessed eventually. I WOULD have sought a divorce eventually, though, if things had not changed.<P>3) I fully accept and INSIST that my affair and confession did not end my marriage. My H had choices too, and he made some bad ones like I did. He is equally responsible for the failure of our marriage. Should your H decide to leave, or ask you to leave, that is HIS choice and is not a reflection on you or your choices. <P>4) I'm going to be ok without him. My life improves every day. It was rough going for quite awhile though. No matter what choice you make, you will need support from friends and family. <P>5) Confessing or not confessing does not make you a better or worse person. My H thought that leaving me made him a better person. Lots of people tell me I was a better person for confessing, but I don't believe it. It was simply a choice I made, and I respect that other people make different ones. You have already faced the consequences, IMO. What is in your heart is all that counts, not the judgements of other people. <P>You are going to hear lots of positive stuff from the people here, which is to be expected. They wouldn't be here if they didn't want to work on their marriages. Just because a certain set of actions worked for them does not mean it will work for you, so don't make decisions based on the outcomes of OTHER PEOPLE. You are the only one who will have to live with the outcome. Make sure you are ready to handle that ahead of time, and you will be ok, regardless. <P>You said you don't have anywhere to go. Do you have a job? If not, do you have skills that you can use to find a job? This is what I mean about preparing yourself. Your H's decision should not leave you destitute and out on the street, regardless of what some people think you "deserve". If you don't currently have saleable skills, then go about acquiring them before you confess. IMO, it is very unhealthy to be at your husband's absolute mercy in any case. What if he died, for instance? You need to make sure you can take care of yourself.

Jill, I am the hurt one. My wife has/had an EA which didn't go on for long before I found out. Before my discovery, I realized the distance between us and talked to her about closing the gap. She basically said no, and that she had to think about it. Obviously, I was stunned and asked if there was someone else. She said no. Since I didn't believe it, I did some snooping around and discovered the e-mail evidence. While I was deeply hurt of the affair, I was even more deeply hurt by the deception. We had been living a lie in our marriage (she still showed me affection, caring, etc.) for quite a while and now the lie was fully revealed. We are struggling to address the causes for our distance and the affair but she has not decided if she wants to. It's funny that she's the one who had the affair, but I'm the one who want's to be "taken back". Anyway, If the shoe where on the other foot, I would want to know, especially given that my wife decided to stop it and focus on us. This is exactly what I hope my wife will do so we can begin our journey back to intimacy.<P>I would suggest changing ISP's so you have a different e-mail address (at least change your sign-on names). If you can, change your phone number too to prevent him from calling. Even if you tell your husband, these will help to prevent any future contact from him.<p>[This message has been edited by NickM (edited April 22, 2000).]

Jill,<P>I am the betrayed. If my W had written the kind of letter/email you wrote to the OP, I would have danced for joy. My W had the affair, admitted to it, but has shown absolutely no remorse about it nor any interest in reconciliation. I think she believes it is just too big of a mess.<P>Whether or not you "come clean" is, of course, your decision. But I am impressed with the integrity you are showing regarding preserving your marriage.

Hi<P>Thanks so much for sharing your advice and outcomes with me. <P>TheStudent: Yes, I have marketable skills in order to obtain a job if my husband leaves me or kicks me out. I am currently a college student with a year left until graduation, so I'm not employed right now. I worked to put my husband through his last semester of his bachelor's degree and then I put him through two years of graduate study. So, he is in turn putting me through school. I do have ten years of employment experience. I've worked in medical offices, law offices, consulting firms, general contracting firms, etc. I definitely have the skills and the experience to find a job that will put a modest roof over my head and pay for college tuition. <P>The only thing that I dread almost as much as having my husband know that I cheated on him is having our families know that I cheated on him. I have the utmost love and respect for my mom and step dad and for my husband's mom and dad (grandparents included). We are all very close. This one thing will devastate everyone. FAMILY is one reason that I haven't confessed already. I do not want to lose my husband. I do not want to lose either family.<P>Yep...should've thought about all of that before I cheated.<P>Yes, I'm scared that if things don't change in my marriage very soon, the marriage will end. I also feel that if my marriage ends, it won't necessarily be because of the affair. It would end because of years of neglect/complacency.<P>Once again, thanks for the advice and input. <P>Jill

Well, here I am... the woman who is a few months behind you in a way.... But, just so you don't feel responsible, remember, that I decided to do this LONG before I ever read a single one of your posts. <P>As you know I am NOT telling my H, and instead I am restructuring and rebuilding my marriage to a point that where If I do decided to tell him of my affair, he will see how much I love him and how hard I have tried and regret what happened with OM.<P>Although you requested no debate on "Tell or Not Tell", you got the opinions anyway. I also notice that the ones who would agree with your decision about not telling are not responding to this post either. Afraid of being scrutinized.. no doubt. And who can blame them? <P>So here I go.... out on a skinny little limb....Sometimes Jill.... we have to do what we feel is right for ourselves. And not be just another sheep following the herd. The same principles.... do not always work for everyone. <P>And now here it comes... "What about the honesty principle? It is ALWAYS best to tell the truth!" I expect many stones will be thrown... <P>This is what I am going to hear from every person here who has NEVER told a lie in their life. Whether it be to protect anothers feelings or not. "No, honey... your butt doesn't look big in those pants!" <P>Anyway, as far as you are concerned... I think that you will tell your H and probably much sooner than you think. You have been struggling with the decision not to tell for so long now, that it is "eating you up" inside and causing you stress and headaches! <P>I am a little worried that by your answering the OM's mail... you have left it wide open for him to contact you with a response to your letter... So now what are you going to do? Are you going to leave it at "Back off, Go away, and Don't contact me anymore? Are you going to get rid of the e-mail account if possible? Or fix the preferences to accept only mail from certain people, excluding him? Or not check it until it becomes an unused account and is deleted?<P>I am also worried that now, when you tell your H, he is going to ask you when was the last time you had contact with OM and you get to tell him... "Ummm... the first of April." Yeah, you better keep a copy of that letter. <P>I am also extremely concerned about how you are going to tell him that you got counseling from your church leader who was a "friend" and thought it best for you not to tell him. I'm pretty sure that will make H feel badly. Yes, your situation is getting messy and I am worried about you. <P>Maybe I am kidding myself that my marriage can work out by me not telling my H. But maybe... I have learned a hard painful lesson and am willing to do everything I can to improve my marriage and be a more humble person and make it up to him for the rest of my life.<P>I just find it so much easier to picture.... then my saying.... "I had an affair...that destroyed me and now is going to destroy you... and us.... and our children... and our life... and our families lives...and yes... your butt does look big in those pants.... it always has!<P>I wish you luck Jill.... I wish you the guidance to do what you know inside is right for you, your H and your marriage...<P>

Lacee:<P>It is GREAT to "see" you again! I've been wondering where you've been and how you are getting along... <P>Are you sure that we aren't twins? Your thoughts match what I've been thinking all of these months.<P>I did confess to my husband that I am in counseling with our pastor. I also confessed to him that I have had a few counseling sessions with Steve Harley. He seemed okay with that. My husband isn't willing to go to counseling himself, but he's okay that I'm going.<P>As far as worrying about my e-mail to the the OM... When I sent the "back-off" e-mail to him, I had that particular e-mail account closed. I've had my e-mail address changed AGAIN, and his KNOWN e-mail addresses blocked from my account. I'm always shocked at this guy's industriousness. He ALWAYS finds a way to contact me. I'm thinking that I gave this guy WAY too much information early in our relationship...I trusted him TOO much. Yes, I'm leaving my communication to the OM at "back-off". I don't care about what he has to say in return...I really don't. I answered his e-mail out of ANGER (he's made many attempts to contact me), not out of a desire to have contact with him again. Oh! I almost forgot! The other day, I was home alone and the phone rang. I answered the phone, but no one was there. I recently received a Caller-ID unit, but had not "plugged it in" yet. So, I hit *69 to see who was calling me. Much to my amazement, the telephone number was the OM's phone number. How do I know that? I looked-up the area code in the phone book. He's the ONLY person that I know from that particular STATE. So, not only has this guy been trying to contact me via e-mail and ICQ, he's been trying to call me! So, all of those events were the basis of sending an e-mail to the OM. It's not like I said, "Back-off" and then ended the e-mail with, "P.S. How are your kids? How's the ex? How's your job? How are YOU?" I declared my love for my husband and told the OM to get lost. Technically, this leaves the OM with nothing to respond to...<P>Yes, my life is quite messy. <P>On a more positive note, my husband was reading "His Needs/Her Needs" last night and started asking me some of the questions at the ends of the chapters. Also, he even made a point to tell me about his day. What am I doing to meet his needs? Well, Friday night, I cooked a fabulous dinner from scratch with a dessert that would make your head spin. Then, Saturday morning, I made him breakfast (I NEVER do that). And, last night, I watched the Florida/North Carolina basketball game with him. Sit-down, "family-time" meals together, along with recreational activities are two things that my husband has stated are important to him (besides sex). Yes, I'm still frustrated and tired, but ANY effort on my husband's part is duly noted and appreciated.<P>Like you, when/if I ever tell my husband of my affair, it will be when our love/marriage is strong enough to withstand the blow. That could be tomorrow, and that could be ten years from now...could be never. <P>Everything is so confusing right now. But, in the middle of all of this confusion, I know that I am a changed person. I'm not the same Jill who had an affair last year. I am humbled in ways that I never thought I would be humbled. God is changing my heart and my life through this whole mess. I know now how much I love my husband and our families and how much I want us all to be okay. I want everything to be okay even at my own expense.<P>Lacee, stay in contact with me more often, okay? We seem to be "kindred spirits". I'd love to hear more about your efforts to rebuild your relationship with your husband. As you can see, I'm working hard in that area, too.<P>Thanks for walking out on that skinny little limb just for lil' old me. <P>Jill<P>

doc:<P>Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.<P>Jill