Jill,<P>It all depends on how you approach it. Figure out exactly how you want to do it beforehand. Tell him it is out of deep love and respect that you need to talk honestly about it. Be prepared to have to answer questions. At first he'll probably be devastated, so be ready for that.<P>Show him how you've posted here and we can all vouch for you that you've helped many of out with your situation. We can all vouch for you that you love that man with heart and soul! So bring him on the net. We can help too, if you want it (although he might view this as just another secret).<P>I think you can do it. Most people won't just throw up their hands and leave, especially if they can see true love back in your face.<P>By the way, my H never intended to tell me. I found a hotel receipt. I resent it to this day and he did move out to her place. We aren't probably going to make it before the divorce takes place, not that I wouldn't him back, but only after a complete 180 on his part which isn't going to happen. All trust has been destroyed and that's the key. Your H needs to trust you, and I believe that means explaining what happened. But God bless you whichever way you go. <p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited April 02, 2000).]

Jill,<P> I'm sorry to things falling apart for you.<P> I'm the one who was betrayed. I got hit with the news shortly after it got started. My wife was preyed upon and the two of us became victoms. Anyways, she did feel that she was very much in live with this OM. It took her almost 5-6 months to get over it. <P> When I got the news I was devastated. It started as she told me that she thought she was in love with this OM. It took a good month to get the whole story. Each phase of get more info was another time my heart got ran thtu the grinder. This step by step approach is for the birds. All it did was kill me over and over and over. BAD APPROACH, IF YOU TELL DON'T DO THIS.<P> I quickly realized that I was fighting for my life and guickly started tring for all I was worth. I'm one of those who claims to find an affair unacceptable and it would be a reason to leave. It did kill my first marriage but that was a marriage I was forced into. This marriage was because I loved my wife and NOTHING will break us up.<P> It has been HELL but we have grow some much from this that we are a different couple.<P> Before you have put out how you were going to tell him. I would go the same route if you decide to tell. I also do believe you should get this A__hole out of your life for good.<P>Joe<BR>

Thanks Jill,<P>For making me feel as if I am understood and you know how hard that can be in a situation such as ours....<P>Well... you have put my mind at ease quite a bit by your explanations of what you have done with your e-mail and how your H knows who you are getting your counceling with. I know how difficult this has to be and I am glad that he approves. <P>I can't believe the OM actually called you!! I really pray that he understands the seriousness of your e-mail.<P>You are doing wonderfully in spending time with your H. It makes such a huge difference! I'm sure he is very pleased! And I am so proud of you!<P>I am also happy that he is reading and talking with you about these things. It is SO much more helpful when the doors of communication are open and you feel comfortable talking about anything....<P>Being a betrayer... and having been hit in the face with the responsibility of what I have done... was as best as I can explain it like a "near death experience." <P>When you wake up from it... you realize how precious and priceless the things you have are... and how close you came to losing it. It makes you that much more determined and willing to do anything you have to, to keep them as close to your heart as you can.... <P>Like the irreplaceable treasures that they are.... I will fight with every last ounce of strength that I have... to protect them for as long as I live....<P>There is no too skinny a limb that I wouldn't go out on for someone I care about... Good luck to you Jill, and you keep in touch with me also... feel free to e-mail me at laceelady@uswestmail.net any time you feel like talking...<P>Take care...<P>

Lacee,<BR>Glad to hear from you. You mentioned that none of the people who are against confessing had posted. Did you forget about moi?<P>I haven't changed my opinion, but didn't want to put Jill into another friggin' tug of war over this confession thing. <P>You sound a whole lot stronger! You've come a long way in self-forgiveness. Keep up the good work on yourself and your marriage.

Ahhh... TheStudent! I did read your post and know how you struggled and please forgive me for not acknowledging that you replied. <P>I know that you have had your regrets and it appears that you have come to understand better what has happened in your life and why. I am happy that you are finding some peace of mind with it... I thank you for your kind words and want you to know that I am so very proud of you for being so strong and moving forward as you are. What an inspiration you are....<P>I agree with you about not wanting to put Jill in that tug o war situation again. <BR>And yes, you were out on your own little limb when you said this in your post....and I applaud you...<P>"This is not the time to be giving a Jill a guilt trip about "honesty". She already said that she did not want to get into a debate about "to tell or not to tell". Your decision, or your spouse's decision was yours and yours alone. Only she can determine what is best for her!!! And that doesn't make her a bad person, a liar, or anything else. She is clearly trying to do what is best for her marriage and for herself."<P>And I agree with that 100 percent! I have always taken your advice to heart and felt that you understood all too well the situation I am in, and also Jills. In fact, there were many similarities in our posts to her. <P>So.. again... in response to your question... I did not forget about you and I apologize if I made you feel that I did! <P>Take care...<P><BR>

Jill,<P>I would like to say that you should pay attention to TheStudent's advice. She made several good points about positioning yourself, if you decide to tell your H.<P>Finally, it has been suggested, but I would really recommend that if you tell your H, have him come here to read your posts and perhaps get help. I don't think you realize how much your posts will mean to him. <P>You see there will be the honesty issue, but you have been honest here. He will have many struggles but you posts here will give him a glimpse of what was going on with you.<P>No matter how you decide, please take care.<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL

Jill,<BR>I understand what you mean about the family. I dearly loved my ex's family. He dragged his family, all his friends, and even coworkers into this mess. I think what happened is that nobody could believe I cheated on him. His mother told him to forgive me. His sister said I was a good person. But, he didn't listen to them. He listened to other people who didn't know me. Oh well.<P>You said you didn't have anywhere to go, but it sounds like you have plenty of resources to find a place if you needed. Why do you feel like you have nowhere to go? <P><BR>Lacee,<P>No need to apologize I just didn't want you to think I'd changed my mind about all that stuff.<P>I'm getting used to being out on a limb. The world is certainly not black and white (i.e. confess/don't confess) is it? I'm glad you can see the shades of grey and that you've made the best decision for you too. <P>JL,<BR>You'll be happy to know that I'm halfway through qualifiers. Took the written last week, and I think I did pretty well. The orals are next Thursday. I'm also taking a class and writing another paper. I just finished a test in my class, and got the highest grade!! All that while studying for quals. Yes, I do believe things are FINALLY looking up.

Jill,<BR>I WANT TO APPLAUD YOU FOR HAVING THOSE WONDERFUL FEELINGS TOWARDS YOUR H.<P>I wish my W had those same thoughts. I knew that she was having all 8 affiars from the way that she was treating me. When ever she would exhibit the behavior indicating that she was having an affair, I would snoop which she hates (she says that she can't trust me.) I know it is a wierd state for her because she can't see the pain that she has and still is inflicting on me and now our boys because they see the tension between us.<P>I would urge you to tell your H about the affair that way you don't have to run with fear for the rest of your life. Yes, the OM was a LOSER from the very beginning because he should have never approached you in the first place. If God wants your marriage to work He will get you through this. Though I didn't read BBNC's post. He as well as I can say that you will be forgiven if your H truly loves you as defined by God.<P>Even knowing that my W would do what she has done, I would still marry her all over again because I have grown that much closer to God as the result.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

Hi Jill,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>In my heart, I know that if I tell my husband, he will ask me to leave or he will leave himself. I<BR> don't have anywhere to go. I don't want my family or his family involved in this whole thing. <P> Yep...should've thought about that before I got involved with another man.<P> I am 28 years old, and I feel that if I tell my husband, life as I know it will end. I'm terrified of<BR> the unknown. <P> I'd really love to hear from those betrayed and those who did the betraying as to where your<BR> marriage is or is NOT after the affair was revealed. I would like to hear from betrayers as to if<BR> they are GLAD that they told and got everything into the open, or if you wish you would've just<BR> kept your big mouth shut. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'll give you my perspective. My wife had the affair, and I discovered it. The bottom line is that I was extremely glad that I did, and it has lead to a marriage that's well on the way to recovery. Through a hell of a lot of stuff---but without that "honesty", I'm sure that we would have ended up divorced.<P>First, you have no idea how your husband will react, should you tell him. Or should he find out. Even he can't know. My wife knew how I would react if I had found out about her affair. I knew what I would have done if I had discovered her cheating. We were both completely wrong. You can't possibly know what will happen, until you're really faced with the situation.<P>Second thing, family involvement. It's very possible since you want to recover the marriage, that family may never know. My wife continued her affair for quite a while after I discovered it. I kept it a secret from all my family (and practically everyone) until I had to "leave" for a plan B separation. My parents love my wife dearly, and my wife looks to my mom as hers (her mother has been dead for nearly 20 years). They were very understanding, and showed my wife a great deal of love and understanding through the time we were separated. Even after she became pregnant by the OM, they still supported and loved her. So it's not necessarily true that your in-laws will find out, and even if they do, it may not be the end of the world.<P>You're afraid of your marriage dying of neglect and complatancy. Its a very justifiable fear. One good thing about an affair is that it can be a powerful motivator to change the marriage. It was for me. I was so angry with my wife prior to the discovery of the affair---afterwards (and after I got the Harley material), I could see how I had helped to destroy my marriage. No anger, just motivation to put things right. To not fail at the most important thing in the world to me. Without discovery, I don't think there would have been the motivation to do this. And I'm afraid that my marriage would have failed.<P>So, I'm glad that the discovery of the affair was made. It did motivate me to save the marriage (even though my wife didn't follow along for a year or so). And we have a marriage that it a lot better in so many ways, and we're even rebuilding the "romantic" love that we both want from this. And I got a "complimentary" beautiful baby boy from this as well!<P>I don't believe that marriages can survive affairs and be really successful, in the long run, without honesty about the event (and everything else). The main reason is that the betrayer has to end up saving the marriage mainly by themselves for a while. And if you've had an affair, your spouse's account in your lovebank is pretty low, and there's just not the motivation to put in the work and effort to save the marriage. <P>But with the two of you working together, you can recover much more quickly. I always vote on the side of complete honesty.<P>God bless.<BR>

Hi Jill,<P>I don't have any words of wisom for you, but I have enjoyed reading your posts and the responses. "Enjoyed" is probably the wrong word, but you know what I mean. I have personally got so much out of them, to be able to see the other side.<P>I wanted to let you know that I think you are a very special and exceptional human being. To do what you have done, deal with it the way you have/are, and see how you feel about your H, is just great. Your situation gives me hope and inspiration every day believe it or not.<P>I think it is wonderful, and whether you tell, or not tell, I hope you have many many years of happiness together. I also hope you find peace within yourself, to be able to live with whatever decision it is you make.<P>Please take care. We all obviously think very highly of you, and wish only the best for you.<P>Jo

Wow!<P>I feel such tremendous support and positive "vibes" coming from ALL of your posts today. Thank you, thank you, thank you...I can't express to you how much the encouragement means to me right now.<P>Jill<P>

Jill,<P>Maybe you are POd at me about my 'internet scum' crack before but I am gonna post this anyway. You know actually I have composed more than a couple of replies to posts regarding your situation but always cancd them. I figured you wouldn't pay any attention to anything I have to say anyway. But maybe some other reader may take note of my comments<P>To me the following quote from you shows tremendous progress on you and your husbands part. <P>" On a more positive note, my husband was reading "His Needs/Her Needs" last night and<BR>started asking me some of the questions at the ends of the chapters. Also, he even<BR>made a point to tell me about his day. What am I doing to meet his needs? Well, Friday<BR>night, I cooked a fabulous dinner from scratch with a dessert that would make your<BR>head spin. Then, Saturday morning, I made him breakfast (I NEVER do that). And,<BR>last night, I watched the Florida/North Carolina basketball game with him. Sit-down,<BR>"family-time" meals together, along with recreational activities are two things that my husband has stated are important to him (besides sex). Yes, I'm still frustrated and<BR>tired, but ANY effort on my husband's part is duly noted and appreciated."<P>Why do you want to risk the tragedy of having all that forward momentum undone by risking that the OM could contact your husband? Do you have any idea how easy it is for the OM to find out personal info about you and your husband? That was my wife's biggest fear; that I would find out from a third party about her second and last one night stand . <P>Believe me for whatever her reason the fact that she came totally clean with me was the biggest factor that led me to stay and work on our marriage. We had been married 25 years and after the initial shock of discovery had worn off I started to look long and hard at what might have caused her to choose the path of infidelity. I guess I found out very quickly that men and women really had different needs and that I HAD been ignoring her emotional needs. Until the day I die I will hate what she did because I had ignored those needs. But for just as long I will be glad that I finally did finally learn, it took me 25 years and a hurt I never imagined I could survive but I did survice and did finally learn. <P>So we started rebuilding our marriage from a pile of cold ashes and thank God we rebuilt on a level playing field. A field leveled by a mutual trust that all the hurt, her hurt and my hurt, was now above board to be dealt with and a field buoyed by a real desire to make 'US' work again. <P>And now we are two years post-discovery and two years into recovery. Our love and friendship is stronger than ever. <P>Good luck Jill..really.<P>And believe me you will not have my posts to inflame you anymore...I am outta here!)<BR>

Hey Jill,<P>I'm a betrayed. We are doing just fine. I was a little mad at him this weekend because the washing machine blew up, and he said it was because I overloaded the machine. (It was the transmission) We have had some great discussions, and I think we have a much better understanding of what it takes to make a marriage work. <P>There are alot of things that can happen, and I wish I had a crystal ball for you so you could see your future. Uncertainty is scary. I can tell you though that if you are willing to learn, grow and work the answer to happiness will present itself. Faith goes along ways towards healing. If you are worried about your husbands reaction it's a gamble, but you could certainly take a bit more time to avoid the lovebusters and meet his needs before divulging the affair. Fill his lovebank as full as you can so it can withstand the withdrawal. Ultimately, having faith in the love you and your husband share will make being open and honest with him that much easier.<P>It was my faith in our love and capacity to grow that helped me make the decision to stay. I won't kid you it was hell. I went through depression, an identity crisis and a drastically plummeted self esteem. There are still tricky moments. I felt pretty crummy this weekend when the stress of the washer pretty much killed his sex drive and I wanted that closeness. But then we worked on the washer together, finally decided on a new one. Went out window shopping for one, and ended up window shopping for flooring, doors, tubs and other stuff we liked for a future home. (Besides it was pretty sexy seeing him in the role of handyman )

NeverAgain:<P>I'm not ticked-off about your "Internet scum" comment. Yes, the guy that I had an affair with is not only Internet scum, but scum in general. He was a scumbag who did a scummy thing. I, on the other hand am NOT Internet scum or scum in general. But, what I did WAS most definitely a scummy thing.<P>I can tell you this, if I'm ticked-off, you will know it. <P>When I don't respond to certain replies, it's not that I'm mad or that I don't care about what you or another person said, it's just that some replies have more of an impact than others (you've been on the forum for a while...you know what I'm talking about). If I don't respond, it doesn't mean there wasn't an impact -- it just means that I don't have a clue what to say in return at that very moment. <P>I'm not mad. And, I do sincerely appreciate your input and advice. Sure, if I feel "under attack", I will defend myself without shame. But, you should know that I'm NOT often offended at the truth and/or a person's "bluntness". Sometimes "bluntness" is nothing more than a character trait/personality quirk.<P>Once again, THANKS. <P>Jill

[I am so sorry you are going through so much, but trying to fix your marriage with this big obstacle looming in the background is going to prevent you from truly healing.<P>My marriage was in crisis for a long time because of many factors. Before I knew what hit me I found myself in an internet relationship with a married man. I told myself it was harmless, but a month later I found myself in love with this man. He claimed he loved me too and the relationship went on and on for about five months. My husband found out and did some pretty horrible things. The other man's wife found out too. I am getting a divorce and the relationship is over with the other man. I didn't want it to be, but I respect the OM's decision to try marital counseling and have left him alone. I, too tried to put the pieces of my marriage back, but sadly, there are just too many problems. After 16 years, I realize that I can't go on being unhappy. Life as I know it has changed and is scary. I am a lot older than 28, but that is not going to stop me. <P>You must be strong and do what is best for you. Perhaps counseling would help you deal better with the guilt you are feeling. If you must tell your husband, then be prepared to deal with his feelings. My husband forgave me for what I did and if there weren't other problems we would have made it. <P>I hope everything works out okay for you. QUOTE]Originally posted by Empty Shell:<BR><B>Jill -- OK, here goes.<P>I am betrayed. My W did NOT voluntarily tell me anything. I caught her in an Internet / Emotional affair with MANY different men. She tried desperately to deny everything. It was not until I produced her Emails that finally admitted to what I had found.<P>It was a couple months later that I found proof of her Physical affair. It would be an understatement to say that I was angry. To this day, if I ever see the scum bag, he will disappear from the face of the earth.<P>Not once during these times of discovery, did I ever raise my voice. Not once did I physically attack my W. To be very honest with you, I was afraid to do anything except cry. I didn't know whether or not I would be able to control myself.<P>It's been over two years since the problems between my W and I first developed. There have been some very trying times. A lot of pain, a lot of crying, a lot of doubt, a lot of questions. There have also been a lot of good times since then as well.<P>My W and I are still together. We are still trying to to deal with everything that has happened to us, but over all I think we are doing very well. The key, I think is to realize that we can't stop. We can't fall back into our old ways. We have to continue to move forward.<P>By the way, my W reads and occasionally posts here as well. Her name is hopeful1771.<P>I hope this helps you in some way.<P>God Bless</B>[/QUOTE]<P>

Here's our case story with no opinions or tug-of-war. <P>My husband had the affair. I had always sworn I would kick him out or leave the marriage myself if he had an affair. We were married young, were each other's first "serious" relationship and had been married for 18 years (with no kids) so we were pretty close. <P>I think he told me about the affair because he was physically and mentally exhausted from carrying on a double life. He's a professional musician and called me one night from a gig. He asked me if I would love him no matter what and I said of course I would. When he got home, I told him that I needed to know what "no matter what" meant and he told me.(Ouch!) His affair lasted 6 weeks, going full tilt boogie. Regardless of my previous thoughts, within 5 minutes of his telling me, I knew I wanted to try to fix our marriage. H. told me that he had been sure that I would throw him out and that our marriage was over, but I didn't and it wasn't.<P>We didn't tell anyone in either of our families because it would have been like opening Pandora's box - once the information was out, it could never have been shut up again. We knew we were going to try, so we figured there would be plenty of time to tell later, if we broke up. There were so many times when the going was tough, that I wanted soooooo badly to have someone (in my family) say, "aww, poor Dancer", but I decided that I wanted to keep our relationship more than I wanted pity. Seeing our good counselor helped a lot with this. Since she was there to talk to every week, there was always a safe place to bring up bad and painful thoughts and feelings.<P>The hardest part for me was waiting for him to get through the withdrawal and "her" calling him at work for months afterward. But we did it!! Our relationship is better now than I knew it could be. (I know! I used to *hate* it when people posted here that the affair improved their marriages, but I grudgingly have to admit that it did for us.)<P>I don't know if any of this helped, but it's our "case".

Hi Jill<P>I mostly lurk these days, very little of that even. I can’t even remember exactly WHY I first read a post from you; I try to stay away from the pain that’s here. Likely Chris wrote a response to you, and his is the last of the “old-timer” stories I am keeping up with. I don’t have any details in my profile, and most of the posts with those details have fallen off the end of the read-only Forum, so I’ll give you a quick overview as it relates to you.<P>For starters let me use my old mantra... “What K said.” K has pretty much nailed the recovery to an awesome marriage from the depths of despair award. He is the MarriageBuilders poster boy. <P>I myself was also the betrayer, and my affair has been over for two years. We went back and forth on ending it, but my OW made the final decision to stay with her H. A few months later I finally broke contact, and a few weeks after that my W found out due to an email to a friend I neglected to delete. I won’t add to any “you must tell” pressure, only let you know that I did, and am happy I did. Not happy that I hurt my wife by my actions of course, but happy that this incredible lie is not still between us.<P>The day I came home and saw that email printed out and sitting on my keyboard, I had just come home from my first solo counseling appointment. I was making an attempt to get over my OW and work on myself and our marriage. I made the decision then and there to come clean with my W, and tell her everything she wanted to know, and the whole truth. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. We spent many hours talking that night, and although I didn’t want to hurt her more, I told her everything she wanted to know. I did not volunteer hurtful information, but would have told her details had she requested them. I was really messed up at the time, and the next day followed through on my wife’s earlier threat to let her H in on the deed. Not my proudest moment, but I am glad I burned that bridge. I only confirmed something he already knew, and by his call to me a year later, she was already in the midst of another affair.<P>See, that’s something that should give you pause. You’re right: he could call your H. Now, next week, or next year. Or never. But every time that phone rings, something in the back of your mind will jump... even if you don’t consciously feel it. Her H actually thanked me for calling him when he called me last year. I apologized to him, telling him that even though he had the right to know, I shouldn’t have been the one to tell him. I’m not a bad person, I made several bad decisions. That was just one of them. Not an excuse, but more of a reason.<P>I had never lied to my W at all before the affair, but of course affairs are ABOUT lies... lies that continue to this day in your marriage. Telling my W the truth saved my marriage. I am positive of this. A couple months later, she joined me at our counselors, and we are still going, although very infrequently. It would have torn me apart to keep that secret, and our marriage would have been the casualty.<P>Every single facet of our marriage has changed... for the better. Let me tell you, there is no motivator for change like being slapped in the face with this information. Your H cannot address the things he is doing wrong in his marriage without <B>knowledge</B> of what he is doing wrong. What he is currently doing wrong are the same things he was doing wrong previously, which allowed you to become “lost” in your marriage, and allowed someone besides him to meet your Emotional Needs. He’s in “coast” mode, and the impetus for change lies in your honesty.<P>The problem with the Betrayer doing all the work in the non-disclosure aftermath of the affair is that the LoveBusters that drained your LoveBank in the first place are still being made by your H. You posted this somewhere. Affairs don’t happen in a vacuum. You didn’t wake up one morning and just decide your life stunk, and you were going to screw around any more than I did. It doesn’t excuse the affair; nothing does. You were 100% responsible for that decision, just as I was. But your H shoulders 50% of the responsibility for the state of your marriage that allowed that horrible decision to be made.<P>A couple thoughts on your situation: if you and your H remain together to work on your marriage, there really is no need for your family to find out about this aberration in your life. My W told one person: a friend at work who she knew she could confide in, who had confided in her the same information. No one in either of our families (besides my father... I told him during the affair) knows, and we plan to keep it that way. There is no need for anyone else to know, and it’s not any of their business anyway.<P>I’ll only quote one part of your post... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I feel that if I tell my husband, life as I know it will end.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>It will... and you’ll be happier than you ever imagined. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Jill,<P>I am the betrayed. My W had a ~two month affair at the end of 1999, and told me about it when she thought I was about to be told by a friend.<P>The bottom line is that telling me has been the best thing she could have done for our marriage. Yes, it hurt me like nothing else ever has, and it is something I will never forget. But it was such a major shock that it led us to really work on our marriage.<P>I am a conflict avoider. I knew our marriage had been deteriorating, but I didn't realize how much. I had always tried to smooth things over on the surface without looking at the underlying problems. Like you, I would always imagine the worst when I considered discussing problems. So I kept my feelings to myself. I built up a resentment for her, and she thought I didn't care. But in a marriage you can't hold back your true feelings worrying about how your partner will respond. <P>I did consider leaving, and we did discuss divorce. But I figured out very quickly that I was responsible for helping to allow the marriage to deteriorate. I have read everything I could get my hands on to better understand infidelity, what caused it, what we can do to survive it, and what we can do to strengthen our marriage.<P>It has been 3 months, and I can truthfully say that we are closer, and our marriage is stronger than it has ever been. I have to give my W the majority of the credit. Sure, I've worked hard, and struggled through this, but I know we wouldn't have come so far if it wasn't for her actions.<P>It took me several days to find out the whole story, but since then she has been very open and honest, and answered all of my questions. We have gone to counselling together and learned a lot about ourselves. She has continually told me how sorry she is. She has explained to me how I had not been meeting her needs, but she has not blamed me for causing her to have an affair. Most importantly, she has shown me through her ongoing actions that she loves me, and that she is committed to making our marriage work. Talk is cheap, but actions speak volumes.<P>Jill, I know this is not to be a "tell vs don't tell" debate. I only come here occasionally now (triggers too many painful things), and I haven't followed your whole story. But you did ask for my perspective. If my W hadn't told me, I'm certain we would have ended up in a divorce sooner or later. Even though we both felt like we were trying, we weren't meeting each other's needs. We had been to counselling before, but had never "woken up" enough to realize how far apart we had become. This event was so huge that it forced us to analyze the path we had been on. And it made us realize how much we loved each other and wanted our marriage.<P>Her dishonesty is still the hardest thing for me to deal with. She didn't tell me the truth and/or full story the 1st couple of days, and that still makes me wonder if I have heard the whole truth. But being dishonest probably had a bigger impact on her. She lost a lot of weight, and like you, she was constantly worrying about me finding out. Keeping the lies inside definitely was eating at her, and would have put even more strain on our relationship if she had tried to keep it in. It was very tough for her to tell me and to see my pain, but it was a huge relief for her to be able to stop living the lies.<P>Since I don't know your H, I have no way of knowing how he will respond. I think it's great that he is reading the Needs book. He already must see that he hasn't been meeting your needs. My hope is that he will realize that he has some responsibility in the events that took place.<P>Jill, you can't control outcomes or other people, but through your words I can see a strong love and commitment. By being open and honest, and then showing your support, love and commitment, I feel confident your H will be interested in working on your marriage. You have a great support system here to help you through whatever comes your way.<P>I wish you luck.<P>

Hi Jill,<P>My profile is hosed up so “my story” isn’t in there but my real story is hosed up anyway. As Whodat said, I am one of the “oldtimers” here, just waiting for this crap to end. My first post was on 30 December of 1998. 6 days after I found out about my wife’s affair 11 years ago. On 26 December 98, I found out about her affair, which had just “ended.” Or so I thought. She left me & our two daughters 6 weeks later on 17 Feb of 1999.<P>I did post top you on your thread about if you should tell or not so I won’t go into it again.<P>I have been married for 20 years this past January 5th. Things had been going pretty bad since October of 98 when she told me she didn’t think she loved me any more, etc. You have heard the rest of the comments on every one elses threads. They aren’t any different.<P>On Christams night, 1998, I asked my wife if she had ever had an affair. She said no, why do you ask? I told her about two instances in the past which I believed were times where it may had happened. The first one was in 1982 only two years after we were married. She told me she was too drunk & couldn’t remember if anything happened. I described the second scenario and after a bit of coaxing, she fessed up. The next night, 26 Dec 98, is when I found about the affair which just ended.<P>I had unknowingly been practicing Plan A for about a month at this time. After I found out, I read “Surviving An Affair” and really got to work. We had a few discussions. Mostly it was me pouring my heart out trying to understand what & where it went wrong. On our 19th anniversay, which was 5 Jan 99, only 11 days after discovery, she told me she would “NEVER” leave me for another man and would “NEVER” leave town to be away from the kids. I sincerely think she really felt that way “at that time.“ Guess what? She left on 17 Feb last year and last saw the kids (2 daughters, ages 14 &9) on 2 June of last year. That is 10 months ago! Freakin’ pitiful! We went to see her last week in Arkansas, but her & her boyfriend wankboy, were not going to be back and would not be back the following week either.<P>This whole thing sucks. I could not wish this pain upon my worst enemy, even wankboy!<P>I believe my wife left because she got caught up in the fantasy. I believe also that she has built up so much guilt over the last 18 years that she felt she “had” to leave because she feels she destroyed everything and there is no way we could ever work it out. She made me out to be the bad guy in all of this. Yes the marriage had some problems, but they were no worse than the average marriage.<P>I guess my whole point to all of this is this. If you cannot/will not deal with this with your husband, then it is only a matter of time until it’s over.<P>Your husband is a lot stronger than you think. Will he walk if you do tell him? I don’t know. You think you know, but give him a bit of credit. It’s your decision, but it’s something you will have to deal with.<P>I pray every night my wife was in your shoes. But I don’t have that opportunity. I have no opportunity with her at all. Neither do the kids. No neither of us has filed & I told her I wouldn’t file (yet). At Christmas this year, I will. I believe that is what it will come to. I’ll be very satisfied with everything I have accomplished. Marrying my wife will be the single greatest thing I have done in my life. Divorcing her will not be the hardest. I simply won’t love her anymore.<P>Sorry to ramble on & on in your post. You & your story really make me believe in the power of love and what can be accomplished if we believe in it and give it the chance it deserves.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Jill,<BR>I had said in another post that I had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you so<BR>here goes.<P>You had asked if those of us who had been betrayed or who were the betrayers regreted telling the truth and if it had ended our <BR>marraiges. I hesitated to tell you about my own experiences because I didn't want to scare you. But, since we are talking about honesty here.....I'm going to be honest.<P>My first husband did a whole lot more than just divorce me after I told him that I was in love with his best friend. I guess you would call that an EA that never developed into a PA. I ended it before it got that far..without my ex-husband's help. <P>My point is that he was given an opportunity to help and threw his opportunity away. Do I regret having told him the truth? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! Telling someone the truth is some what like putting him or her to the test...it proves what they are made of. And in my opinion, my first husband failed that test.....BIG TIME!!! <P>By the way, my ex was an alcoholic who had more than one affair (I don't even know how many)that he never came clean with me about. He not only could not be truthful with me, he could not handle the truth. There was just no way that marriage would have worked under those conditions.<P>As for my present husband, I'm certain that he sometimes wishes I didn't know the truth about him....at least for a short period of time. Some of what he has said has been very hard for me to understand, let alone accept. I don't always handle his disclosures as well as I would like to...it takes awhile to digest it. <P>I'm rambling right now instead of getting to my point. I asked my husband what he thought about your situation and his answer was that right now you are carrying this burden by yourself.... your husband needs to carry it with you. I think that's how he feels about his own situation. He has often told me that he feels like a big burden has been lifted from his shoulders. More importantly,though, our marriage has become stronger and the threat of divorse is less intense than it was when he was keeping secrets from me.<P>I guess what I'm saying is that you never know how someone will react to an honest discloser. We don't always know how we will react...so how can we know how someone else will? <P>But if your husband is wise, he will eventually realize that he himself is not any more above having an affair than you are<BR>(the truth is that none of us are) And if he is really wise, he will recognize how fortunate he is to have you as his wife..and help you create the marriage you've always wanted (and maybe help you get rid of that other "scumbag" once and for all.)<P>Love and Prayers<BR>CJ <P>