I am. My feelings of depression and hopelessness are long gone but they are gradually turning to anger at what my husband has done and continues to do. He told me that they were not doing anything together anymore and then I find out that they are still eating lunch together and talking occasionally. I understand that this is a hard process for him but he is dragging his heals. He also said that he was going to transfer to a different office, well that was 3 weeks ago and he still hasn't done anything, he says he is SO busy but he is at the main office at least twice a day so has time to put in his request. Then he tells me 'Well it is not like we won't be in contact even if I am at a different office. There will be business things that we have to deal with.' He just doesn't get it! He has to make the effort NOT to ever see her again in any manner. <P>The problem is that the angrier I get the less I care about him and that is a dangerous thing. I don't want to be 'acting' happy when I am not, but I also don't want to be telling him off everyday because I am unhappy. I am just tired of it all. Quite frankly I am tired of HIM. I am getting so tired of giving all the time...and I honestly think that he would drag this out indefinitely because he is getting all this attention and is afraid that if he says he is committed to our marriage it will change.<P>But it is wearing me out and I am getting to the point of not caring because it is the only way I can deal with the situation. If it continues there won't be anything TO save because I just won't care anymore. I just don't know how to convey this to my H. I have thought that I should discuss it when we go to see our counselor instead of trying to deal with it just with my H. <P>All I know is that it is getting harder and harder to keep from being nasty to him, and that is the last thing that I want to do since it seems that we are making progress. Is that part of the process, dealing with the anger too? Maybe that is just the stage I am in right now...are there different stages that you go through when dealing with this,sort of like the stages of grief?<P>HELP! Suggestions...ideas....?

Hello Victoria,<P>Oh yes, I'm sure that most of us here are angry. From my experience there is a whole array of emotions-sadness, fear, confusion, resentment, etc., but especially anger. Different emotions at different times, and all part of the process we go through in dealing with this mess.<P>I wonder if you are in the same place I am right now. I am past the anger about my husband's affair, and have forgiven him for what he calls "the worst mistake" he ever made. However, I am having a hard time avoiding anger about his complete lack of effort in the recovery department.<P>I understand that he wants to forget it and really pretend it never happened, but that is totally unrealistic. I have needs created by this whole experience that need to be addressed, but he avoids them because it is unpleasant for him to be reminded of what he did.<P>In other words, once again the betrayer is being selfish and the betrayed is expected to make all the effort and do all the work in dealing with the fallout of the affair.<P>I have reached a high level of frustration (can you tell?) with my husband right now, and it is also affecting my feelings about him. I love him with all my heart and can't imagine that will change, but all the things that go with love (like patience, tolerance, understanding,etc.) are really taking a beating right now.<P>I like your idea of talking about things with the counselor since you aren't making progress on your own. Perhaps just getting those feelings out in the open will help you. I hope so.<P>No real advice here, but plenty of empathy!<P>Peppermint

Hi Victoria<P>Steve H gave me a good line for times like this. When they are being poo poo heads, saying something like "I want this to work and I am willing to do everything that I can to help make it work. I am feeling hurt by the things you are doing and find it difficult to commit to my efforts when this is happening. I am scared that if we aren't able to work this through, I will feel _____." <P>The effectiveness of the above statement epends on where you are at in Plan A and how pure it has been (and how long). As you know, if you are at your last shread of love, it may be time to execute plan B <P>Sorry that I am not more familiar with the details.<P>Cheers, and good luck<BR>Lisa

Here's my two cents: Create yourself a "dammit" doll. When I was in the hospital, we put together a doll whom we can express our aggressions and frustrations to. In fact, my doll is at home and I sure could use her right now. Also, I am noted for talking to myself alot. When I am in my car, I shut off the radio and talk to God about all my anger, fears, concerns for the day. It does not have to be God for you. It can be anyone(dead or alive, real or imagined) you chose to converse with. Usually, after I have vented, I do feel much better. <P>Second cent: Remember you CANNOT change another's behavior. He's not going to move any faster or cut his ties any sooner with OP because you are angry. The thing to do is take care of yourself. Anger is only making you feel bad. What can you do to relieve some of that anger(outside of pushing OW face in a pile of manure). Think positive thoughts. What about a fast pace walk with a headset listening to some disco, heavy metal, oldies(no country(too depressing)) to burn off the anger then move to a slow beat to cool down. Then make an appointment to get a massage. You can only take care of you. Think of some things that you would like to do for yourself. Suggestions: Take a day trip, go to a concert, massage, have lunch with some friends or your kids, have a picnic with your kids(ask spouse if he would like to go). Every pay period, I take my kids out to eat, chit-chat and have a good time just spending time together. Do something that's specifically you and that you'll enjoy. Good luck and let me know what goes.

Victoria,<P>Oh I am very angry and more so right at this moment. I can't even get my H to admit to what he is doing is wrong. It is a constant lie saying nothing has gone on nothing is going on etc. How can he continue to think I am so naive. Or is it just his way of putting the blame on me and not on himself. <P>Unfortunately for me I have a very hard time keeping cool. I get all the emotions built up inside and they come flying out and it is not a pretty sight. I yell and scream which I know is the worst thing I can do but I can't seem to help it. My H just stands there and acts like he isn't to blame I caused this myself and he isn't going to do anything to try and fix it and that hurts.<P>I asked him this morning where the man I married went? He said that I am sure not who he married either. People do change but I don't think I have become a bad person just a hurt angry one. But when things got bad in our marriage he gave up threw in the towel and found the OW while I woke up one day and was told it was over period end of discussion.<P>So yes I am angry too and it seems to be getting worse by the day. I too seem to not care anymore about my H.

V,<BR>I think you should print your post out and give it to your H. Let him see in black and white just how you feel. I wrote to my H about every 3 or 4 months. It seems like they can't absorb tallking,,,, in one ear and out the other.........<BR>It won't work if there is any contact at all.<BR>Your H has to feel your pain, he has to want to help you TOTALLY what ever it means. He has to have compassion for what you are going through instead of adding salt to the wound. It does take a while to get there for him,,,,,,,,he is still inbetween. When he crosses that bridge to YOU and YOU only, you will feel a difference. It's the unknowing that is driving you up the wall. He has to start showing you that you can trust him. He isn't working on that. "There will always be contact? So, I might as well have lunch with her too?" <BR>NOT! There is no shareing in a Marriage. <BR>Anger? You betcha! What if the shoe was on the other foot? I know they can't relate to that!<BR>Maybe it WILL take both barrels to get the point across to him. Hey, what do you have to loose? It sounds like your H is loosing you.......and YOU don't have him back all the way yet. He sees you putting up with this....... ???????? :-) He has no insentive to change things.<BR>Get tough or it will get worse before it gets better.<BR>In the long run....he will see how you fought for him......he will see how it is to Love someone even after they have hurt you.<P>Almost Happy<P>--------<BR>TIME :-)

Angry? You betcha! My husband asked me what was wrong this morning, what did he do? And I wanted to respond "You're breathing". I find myself very willing to try to get past his affair until he comes home from work and I look at him & all I see is the lies & betrayal. To try and get past the anger I have taken up kickboxing, and let me tell you it is WONDERFUL! Last night I punching the target so hard I was moving it across the floor (it wieghs 300 lbs.!) I focused on the target picturing them and took out all my frustrations on it. It felt great. The other thing I have found helpful is getting in my car and taking a drive out to the middle of no-where and letting out some really good & loud yells - the ones that come from deep in your gut. I have also tried getting into aromatherapy & herbal suppliments (St. John's wort is good for mood enhancing). I hate feeling like this, before all this I was one of those sickening happy people, I really was. I can't stand being consumed by all this anger. I am trying to just get through every day as it is given to me good or bad. Good luck to you.

Claire1022,<BR>You actually made me laugh, on the "yeah you're breathing". Anger is normal I think. I was never allowed to express my anger or frustratioon with my parents and realize now that it contributed greatly to my depressioons. I'm reading a book called "making peace with your past" and realize so much of the anger I have felt over the years have not just been at my H. I don't want to be an angry person anymore. But after all the lies and stuff it has come rushing to the surface, LB's big time. <BR>Yeah I thing we're all alittle angry after the initial hurt, shock, pain starts to wear off. We have alot of useless energy invested in our anger, I want to learn to redirect it.

Hello Victoria: Just wanted to say that I share in the same feelings you expressed. My husband had an emotional affair with a woman coworker. They continue to work together and somehow I am suppose to accept it and GET OVER IT. All is well and ok, in his eyes. He is not calling her anymore.. or taking her to lunch anymore... and I need to move on. But there are days I cannot, <BR> <BR>Last week I went to the office and I saw only two other coworkers in this drs. office and of course she was one the other was the receptionist. Out of 20 people or so I HAD to see her. My guts were on fire. angry, tired and uncertain of what is going on with my H and her. Is it really over? Do I trust him after catching him in so many lies?? WHAT?<BR> I like you am angry at times,and try desperately to keep my head up<BR>I am worth more than what I have been getting. I am worth, LOVE, TRUTH, RESPECT.. I am just waiting for now. Praying and Waiting for God to give me direction and wisdom.<P>God Bless You in your situation.<BR>Overcomer

Victoria and other angry people,<P>I've posted this on the divorcing/divorced forum but thought I'd let you know because it ties right in to being VERY ANGRY!!! Just found out yesterday that my stbx proposed marriage to the OW! Heck, we're not even divorced yet! <P>I'm at a point today where I hate anything remotely associated with a relationship of any kind. How sad.