Hi,<BR>I have not posted here before, although I lurk here occasionally. A year ago (almost exactly) I found out about my H's affair. It had ended already, but had lasted for about 1 and a half years. OW was an employee. She is gone now, and after many many difficult starts my H and I are trying to make our marriage work, and we are experiencing more-than-moderate success.<P>The ema can, for the most past, be attributed to: quick semi-surprise births of two children, financial difficulties, H being completely overwhelmed by responsibilities and not in control of his life. He also felt that I could not/would not fulfill his needs. He demonized me for a long time to justify his resentment and insecurity and panic, while I struggled to hold it together, working, studying. caring for the kids. It was a hellish time and things are only now MUCH BETTER.<P>I think, and it may be too soon to say for sure, but I think I may be pregnant again. This is completely freaking me out bcs I am ON THE PILL!!!!! (Brand:Allesse)<P>I have been crying all morning because I am overwhelemd by this news. I was not even sure I/we would have another child, after everything we have been through. Also, our recovery is SO FRAGILE still!!!! I have many days where I feel horrible and angry still...now this!!!!! He cheated on me during my last pregnancy, how in the world can I live through this possibility again???? <P>Let me say this: I am pro-choice, but personally I would never want to have an abortion. But I never imagined my life would throw all these challenges at me either!!! I wish I was more religious at times like this. I need guidance.<P>Does anyone know if taking the Pill before I knew I was pregnant could hurt the baby? How is this possible?????<P>I will go see my doctor of course, but I have to think about all of this first.<P>I ran to H's office this yesterday morning and told him this news. I was ready for anything, but not the kindness and acceptance that he showed me. I am floored by the person that it seems he is becoming. But can I trust it? Would it be wise to trust it now, with the tentative success under our belts and the two children that we do have? <P>Last night H was much more down and overwhelmed. It reminded me so much of his mood during his ema....I am so scared!!!<P>So much of our problems in the last few years were compounded by the arrival of the children. I must say though that H has fully accepted the boys (2 and 4) and is becoming an exceptional father. He loves them completely. He also deeply regrets his ema and has put all his efforts into our relationship. We see a therapist too.<P>I would appreciate any words of support. The next few weeks could be tough. I am terrified.<P>Thanks<P>

Welcome...even under difficult circumstances.<P>My 10 year old daughter was concieved when I was on the pill.<P>She is tops in her class academically and is usually the top performer on any sports team she is on.<P>She also a delight as a person.<P>I was also floored when I figured out I was pregnant and of course worried about potential harm.<P>She was perfectly timed.<P>Hope this helps.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thanks FHL,<P>I will see the doctor tomorrow and hope he will put my worries to rest about the health of the baby. I am glad you looked at the surprise timing of your daughter as a blessing, it's hard to see things that way for myself right now. I feel guilty even saying that bcs I love my two boys so much and am so greatful for them. The baby-to-be doesn't deserve any less.<P>I am just in such shock, you have no idea. It's got me so disoriented...<P>thanks for your words,<P>E

Hey...it took just about 9 months to accept it as a blessing.<P>Not that I considered other options...or was actively regretted being pregnant. I accepted it...but it took that baby to be in my arms before I bought into the perfectly timed theory.<P>Don't be too hard on yourself.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Eleanor<BR>One year ago today I took a home pregnancy test. My youngest is 16 years old.<BR>I won't go into what happened now but when I read your post I could feel the shock you are feeling.<BR>Slow down.<BR>Deep breaths!<BR>A minute at a time. <BR>This is a lot like discovery of the affair isn't it?<BR>You're going to be okay. Isn't it wonderful that you could go to your H for support? Hang onto that! I would wager that with what you have accomplished in the last year you could probably trust his reaction. <BR>I know how upsetting this is. Don't make yourself sick over it.<P>BTW<BR>A friend of mine got pregnant on the pill. She even had regular periods so was on it for the first three months. This was her 5th child. He is the healthiest most gorgeous fabulous child in the world. Don't worry about anymore than you have to right now.<BR>Things will work out some how.<BR>Keep talking about it and don't go it alone okay?<BR>

Wasstubborn,<P>Yes, I do have that feeling that I did when I found out about the affair...that's the disorienting part, adjusting to a new reality that cannot be ignored.<P>I will try not to panic too much and take one day at a time, thanks for your reply.<P>E

Eleanor<BR>Keep talking okay?<BR>I feel like I'm having deja vu.<BR>You know there are all kinds of blessings in disguise. Sometimes what we think is the worst thing that could happen just isn't.<BR>For years, the worst fear I had was getting pregnant. Long drawn out story.<BR>After everything that I had been through in the previous months this day a year ago seemed like it was just the straw that broke the camel's back. It didn't. <BR>I was only 3 months past discovery and was still dealing with occasional contact.<P>All I want you to know is that if I got through it anyone can. Believe that!<P>FHL is a witness. She has seen me in my darkest moments. <P>Please take care of youself right now. Share your thoughts and fears. Sometimes if you write them down and share them they just aren't as scary.<BR>

Wasstubborn,<P>I wish I knew more of your story...It sounds like you really know where I am coming from.<P>I am so jaded by what has happened in my marriage in the last few years that I no longer think of things in an optimistic way. Before, I may have thought "well, this just may all turn out for the best"...but I have learned that if the other party is not on the same wavelength...it doesn't matter what you say to yourself!<P>Apart from H, I just feel so worn out from toddlers, work, marriage crisis etc etc etc...I don't know how I can handle it. Already I feel sick in the am...That feeling just makes me feel even more that I can't handle this. I am such a whiner, I know, please bear with me!<P>Thanks for your reply,<P>E

Wasstubborn,<P>Just noticed in your profile that you are a fellow Canadian...I'm not sure why, but it's nice to know.<P>E

Eleanor<BR>Hang in there!<BR>My story is so long and drawn out and I try not to start because I have been known to ramble. <BR>I will tell you anything you want to know. Just ask. <BR>I forgot to check your profile so I'm not sure where you're from in Canada. I don't remember what's on my profile but I'm in Alberta. It does get kind of lonely up here sometimes.<BR>My e-mail address is mmawilliams@hotmail.com if there is anything you want to talk about feel free to e-mail me.<BR>Son is home from school now so I'll be off the computer for a while.<BR>I've been thinking of you. <BR>You know, surviving an affair is one of the hardest things you will probably have to do in your life. You did it. You can do this too. Of course you aren't as optimistic as usual. You've been through a lot. You are tired. Please try to relax and don't get ahead of yourself. <BR>Picture me at my computer taking deep breaths for you. That is what I'm doing.<BR>Here comes my son screaming for the computer. I'll check in later. Keep talking.

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 09:02 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Wasstubborn ,Hanora,<P>Thanks for your replies. Life is strange indeed. I don't know how this will turn out but I know I want H to feel that this was our decision to keep the baby, and that despite the fact that it wasn't our initial choice, that we will make the best of the situation.<P>I sometimes wonder at how I can divide my time any further...a family of 5 seems SO BIG to me, ironic since we were 5 in my family.<P>I worry so much about H. He is a conflict-avoider...one of the things that lead him to act out his anger towards me through the ema. I could not cope if things went that way again. So I have to worry about that and take care of myself too...and the kids, the house. God!<P>More soon,<BR>E<P>Wasstubborn: I am from the Distinct Society of....Quebec!!! (joke!!!, but true)

Eleanor,<BR>I'm so glad you checked back in. Have you confirmed a pregnancy? Seen the doctor?<BR>Don't worry abou all the things that could happen. They usually don't. I know it sounds so easy to say but try to take one day at a time. You are capable of much more than you are giving yourself credit for I'm guessing.<P>There are a lot of conflict avoiders out here. I hope your H has grown through all this and will surprise you. Apprecaite every little step he makes. Let us know how you're doing okay?<P>BTW<BR>My ancestors on my mother's side are from Quebec. A very common name there. <BR>So not all us westerners are opinionated you know. <P>

(((((((((((((((((eleanor))))))))))))))<P>I am sending you some psychic strength....<P>and listen to Wassie......she is a true champion and a genius too.....LOL..ask her about the Ford versus Chevy thing...LOL<P>I too am in Quebec (we have 2 in B.C., wassi in alberta, Hanora and another in T.O...)..here in the greater Montreal area??...I have been hoping to find someone nearby to talk to...<P>check out my profile should you so desire..<P><BR>Dylan

Wasstubborn, Soullous,<P>Thanks for your replies, and yes the pregnancy is definately a go. The Dr told me that the risk to the baby from the pill use is extremely minimal, but not easily detectable through ultrasound...so it may not be known until he/she is born. I seem to be due in mid-November, but I will have an ultrasound on monday to date the pregnancy.<P>I emailed my H, asking him how his day is going and sharing a bit of my anxiety. I feel very weepy today. He sends back one-liners..."stressed out, busy day, stocks bombing..." and that's it. He never is the overly chatty type, but he IS withdrawing since this news hit. That is what terrifies me...he will do some passive-agressive thing...etc. The success we have had lately is mostly due to the increase in sharing of feelings, both positive and negative...I am so worried about a big setback, especially under these circumstances.<P>Thanks for your thought,<P>E<P>ps: Wasstubborn: You are entitled to your opinions!!!! I am half anglo/franco...totally schizophrenic about Can politics!<P>Soullouz: Yup, I live in MTL.

Dylan<BR>You naughty thing, you made me cry by saying such nice things. I really needed that today. If you had seen me last night you wouldn't have called me a champion.<BR>I'm just a stubborn old cuss who insists on waking up breathing every morning. <P>Eleanor<BR>Hang in there. Your H could just be processing things in his mind. maybe he is afraid to say anything because he knows how much stress you are under and doesn't want to say the wrong thing. My H does that a LOT!<P>Now I think you are a little better so I'll try to give you a Reader's Digest version of my story okay?<P>I am a good old French/Irish Catholic. When my youngest was born almost 17 years ago I knew that I couldn't mentallly handle more babies. (If they were born teenagers YES )<BR>birth control was my problem. Being Catholic abortion was out. A tubal was something I objected to strongly. When I turned 35 Dr. said no more pill as I smoke. H stalled and stalled on the vasectomy. I told him if I got pregnant that I would have to commit suicide because I could not raise another baby and couldn't live with myself if I had an abortion. I told him this often. I meant it. <P>In Dec. '98 I suffered a severe concussion. 3 days later discovery. I was 38 years old. I lost 12 pounds in two weeks on the "infidelity" diet. I went back on the pill. I didn't need to worry about that too.<BR>It seems I got pregnant the middle of Feb. I was a medical miracle. There was absolutely no way that a woman my age, in my physical and emotional condition, on the pill should ever get pregnant. They did the test three times to be sure because it was just so impossible.<P>I would probably say that day was worse than discovery. I was so beaten down by then and still dealing with H's contact with the bimbo. I think it was somewhat of a turning point for us in a positive way. H could finally see why I had sorried so much over the years about getting pregnant. All I have to do is blink and boom I am with child.<P>I agonized but knew that I just couldn't mentally survive a pregnancy. I maade an appt. for an abortion. Thiswas devastating for me. I would have to wait three weeks as they didn't know exactly how pregnant I was.<BR>Those were very hard weeks. No one I know has heard this story. I just couldn't share it with anyone. I could not go to my mother. Her sister is a Nun.<P>Well in the end I was just not capable of continuing and I miscarried before the appt.<BR>That was hard as well but I did make myself look at it as a blessing. God did not allow me to make that choice that probably would have ........well I just don't even like to think about where I would be if I had to go for an abortion. It is just so against my whole being. I am not opposed to others decisions. It just is not something I think I could have lived with.<P>Not much of a Reader's Digest version. See I told you I ramble when I get going. I just wanted to tell you this because I have learned that no matter what, things do have a way of working themselves out. Not necessarily the way you expect always but they do get better. We do survive.<P>One other thing I thought of concerning your situation...I am very happy that it is you that is pregnant and not the OW. I guess I have a way of seeing that this seems bad but oh my that would have been much worse.<P>Hang in there - one day at a time, <BR>And call me Wassi or WS. <BR>It's so much faster to type.

(((((((((((Eleanor))))))))))))<P>bonjour !!! <P>first of all, congratulations... a new life!!!...perhaps in many more ways than you think....<P>i understand about the seriousness of the situation and the anxiety you are feeling, but you and your h have to deal with that together..be comforted by the knowledge that you are in recovery, and seem to be doing well...<P>keep those all-important lines of communication open....remember how understanding and supportive of you he was when you went to the office?....ans as for the e-mails today, he may really be busy....and a little freaked out by all this...<P>i would assume that you and he are going to 'talk' tonight....remember, plan A, let him know and feel that home is safe, that you are not suddenly going to be 'wierd' (you have months for that...LOL) ...<P>if you change your perspective around a little, you could actually say that you now have a real opportunity for a 'new life' together....this child can represent all that is good and worth saving about your marriage...that your love for each other is what this child is all about.....talk about truly starting over!!!<P>I may be sounding like a blithering idiot, but that is probably because my h and I can't have any more children.....(well, he can't)...but I remember telling him after discovery of his affair that it was a good thing..because i would not have his child any time in the near future.....<P>I understand your trepidation though....the triggers from your last pregnancy will no doubt be weighing heavily on your mind...so come right out and talk to him about it....tell him your fears and your hopes as to how this pregnancy will progress....see what input he can give you.....he probably has many fears as well.....but a year has passed, and hopefully, he feels more in control of his life right now, and your finances are more under control as well..in other words, the situation is not the same this time, and if he has learned from his 'experience' and truly understands what you went through, and the pain he was responsible for, you may be surprised at how good you BOTH can make this....<P> <P>ps, are you downtown, or trapped in the 'burbs like me??...LOL...<P>welcome to this site, by the way....I can say that it has, so far, done more to save my marriage than anything else...I have been posting here since November 1999, with discovery being a month earlier....<P>I still feel completely alone, well, except for my 4 year old...LOL...no friends nearby (except the ones here..and let me tell you, they too can save your life from time to time...), no family that I can talk about this to, so that is why I was asking where you are located....(no, I'm not a stalker.. LOL)wanna do lunch???....LOL<P><BR>Dylan<BR><p>[This message has been edited by soulloss (edited March 30, 2000).]

(((((((((Wassi)))))))<P>you are still a champion and wonderful human being to me..... .....no matter what you did last night..LOL<P>I had to let Eleanor know that she was getting advice and words of wisdom from one of the best.... <P><BR>Dylan<BR>sacred_rain@yahoo.com<P>

Wassi, Dylan (If I may),<P>Thanks again for your replies.<P>H seems to he having a hard time articulating his feelings still but IS doing well on the cuddling up and affection side...I am taking it as a good sign. I think it may be easier right now to express his support that way...he doesn't have the right words right now so...<P>Wassi: What a story. Thanks for sharing it with me. The first night of this pregnancy (once I knew) I dreamt that I miscarried and that it was a relief...such are my conflicting emotions about it. I am glad that you didn't have to make that tough decision: keep the baby or not. I would find that incredibly hard too.<P>Soullouz: I live in NDG. I must say it's a bit creepy knowing you are so close by! DO you live in the Waste Island (ha ha)? Are you from MTL originally? I am.<P>E

Eleanor<P>I am so glad your H is reaching out to you and comforting you. The talking will come. I believe that! You have to remember that it was a surprise for him to and he's probably being very careful about his reactions becuase he doesn't want to hurt you by saying the wrong thing. Deep breaths and relax.<P>This can be positive. My friend chick's on this forum is 7 months pregnat right now. I think she could understand some of what you are going through. She has gotten a lot of joy from this. I think she has a much better attitude than I did. <P>I was a little worried about telling you my story. I didn't want to say anything that would upset you more. That's why I think your H may feel that way. <P>One day at a time! You have survived one of the worst parts of your life. This could be a reward, a blessing, the new life from a new , stronger marriage!!!!!!<P>Keep talking about it. This is a very safe place. Have a good day.