I just wanted to say Thank You for your kind words and your wisdom. It makes a lot of sense. I did gave it to my husband BUT I'm losing hope very fast.<BR> I've told him last week that my patient was running thin only because I cannot take this horrible pain inside, I need to know where I'm going, I need to have control back in life for the sake of my sanity and for our son. It look's like it might be over between us. He says that he cannot change what he feels right now, he says he really doesnt know what he feels!! He's extremely confused , I do not recognize anymore. I may still have 1% of hope in my heart that he would ever come back. I love him so much. He says that if he comes back right now he would be at only 50% in his heart and he says that if we ever get back together he would have to be 150%. He said that he is really rushing the relationship with OW to really find out what it is. They are almost leaving together , she did not move in but she is there almost every night, (she only 22, he's 39). I've ask him for my son's sake, that she would not move in until were gone in 3 months, He agreed. He still never told her that he loves her , and he says that he has still a lot of love for me, he said that the last 16 years have been the best one's . He does'nt think that he can ever love like this again. He says that right now he is selffish and does'nt know anything regarding is life in general, and that is not my husband talking, there's something really wrong with him. He also said that he might just be using this girl, he does'nt know why. <BR>I just dont know anymore?<BR>Anne T

Dear Anne,<P>I wish there were a quick fix for your H, but there isn't. He has drunk from the cup of self-indulgence, and is intoxicated with powerful emotions that he cannot control. Eventually the high will wear off and reality will hit him hard, but you cannot be sure when that time will come.<P>There are, though, several bright spots from which you may draw solace. He is being honest with you about his self-centeredness and his confusion. That is far better than if he were trying to deceive you, as many betrayers choose to do. Also, he can still feel his love for you, and he still views the 16 years you had together as wonderful. While those feelings cannot fight the intoxication, when the high wears off they will make an enormous difference.<P>In the meantime, you need to take steps to protect your mental health. View your H as though he were suffering from a form of temporary insanity; in a way, he is. Don't expect anything meaningful from him emotionally while this is ongoing. Instead, develop the best support group of family and friends that you can.<P>Most importantly, you need to lean on God. Only His strength is enough to support you through a trauma like this. Do you have a personal relationship with Him? His love sustained me during my darkest hours. <P>I'm not talking about religion. All of us are raised to believe one thing or another. I was raised in a Jewish family. Not until I was an adult did I learn that it was possible to have a real relationship with God, not just empty rituals and traditions. <P>This is probably the low point of your life. That's where God can do His best work... if you ask Him to.<P>If you haven't yet experienced what I'm talking about, I'd love to tell you how to start. If you do know Him, but need help in applying your faith, I'll answer any specific questions that you have.<P>Please let me know how I can help you get through this...<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P>

Dear BrokenButNotCrushed,<P>First I must say "I'm sorry" that I have wrote youe name wrong.(I'm french forgive me)<P>What kind words you have for me , I truly appreciate you taking this time to try and comfort me. I't's nice to see that some other people have succeded through all this misery bacause that's what it is. Yesterday, I've read an article describing "mens midlife crisis" . I was shocked , it's like they talking specificaly about my husband. That's what he is going through.<BR>But you know it's so hard to put up with everything that is going on. This other woman probably does'nt mean much to him but that 's all that I have in my head! That pain I fell in my chest 24hrs a day, when will it go away?<BR>My relationship with God is somewhat limited.<BR>I do pray everynight before I go to sleep , so did my husband. Now I'm even questionning God, WHY is this happening, What did I do so wrong? I want to have hope in my heart so bad , I cant imagine that it's over. But Should I move on , and hope that when he finally comes down to earth he will come for me. Or should I stay around for him , waiting for him. I've so nice and supportive thus far. Should I leave him alone and let him come to me. I really dont know anymore. If you would be so kind as to give your opinion. <BR>Thanks so much.<BR>Anne T

Dear Anne,<P>You’re absolutely right when you describe what you are going through as ‘this misery.’ I know that, more than anything, you want the pain to stop and your husband to just come back to his senses. I wish I could tell you that will happen quickly. But a friend speaks the truth, even when it’s hard to hear.<P>There is no way to ‘escape’ the pain you are now feeling. It is a part of your life, whether you wish it to be or not. I can’t make it go away, but I can help you go through it. That’s what I did when my wife confessed her 3 year affair to me in January. (If you haven’t read my story yet, go to the Just Found Out forum and you will find a post from NSR on notable threads. Click on the blue hyperlink inside his post and it will take you to a permanent archive of meaningful posts from myself and others who have found answers in their journey. Mine is entitled, “A story of hope...”)<P>I’d like to answer your question: “WHY is this happening, What did I do so wrong?” You aren’t being punished, Anne. You didn’t do anything to ‘deserve’ what happened. You are experiencing a terribly painful part of real life. Prior to this experience, you probably never talked or thought about adultery much. But the harsh reality is that nearly half of all couples will be affected by it. Some will be emotionally devastated by the experience, and never trust again. Others will overcome their hurts and fears to build an even better marriage than they had before.<P>Like you, I have been married a long time (18 years). The magnitude of my wife’s betrayal almost destroyed me. But I (and we) survived, and just three months later we have a much more intimate and meaningful relationship than I would have thought possible.<P>I’ll share my secret with you... I have a deep, personal relationship with God. Most people put all their hopes and trust in their marriage. When their spouse betrays them, they feel like the world is coming apart around them, and their life’s very foundations are crumbling. I confess that I felt these emotions as well. But deeper than the emotions was my trust in Him. When all else failed me, I knew, that I knew, that I knew, He cared about me and desired to grow me into the man He wanted me to become. <P>I didn’t escape the pain, Anne. I went through it - straight through. I never could have faced that pain alone. I knew it was too much for me. Instead, I surrendered myself to Him, and utterly gave Him all... my life, my marriage, my sanity, everything. It was a life-changing experience... I walked naked through emotional hell, and leaning on His strength, I survived. More than survived, I grew, in so many ways...<P>You’re trying to face the pain alone, Anne. You can’t do it. That’s why a part of you is screaming inside, “I can’t take any more!” If you rely on your own strength, you’ll either bail out on your marriage too soon, just to make the pain stop, or you’ll escape by shutting down inside. You’re afraid to hope any more, because with hope comes the possibility of more pain. And if you give up on hope, Anne, what’s left?<P>I can’t promise that He will save your marriage. That’s up to Him to decide. But I can promise that He will save ‘you.’<P>All of us are lost until we find Him. All of us are, by our nature, sinners in need of a Savior. He is a Shepherd, seeking for His lost sheep. He called me to Him fourteen years ago. I think He is calling you today...<P>He wants to come into your heart, to be a part of your everyday life. He wants to walk with you through this terrible time, and to carry you when you’re too weak to walk further. All He asks is that you go to Him in prayer, acknowledging your need for His forgiveness, and believing that He sent His Son, Jesus, to die for your sins.<P>If you would like to know Him, to really ‘know’ Him, it all starts with this simple prayer:<P>“Heavenly Father, I know I’m a sinner. I know I’ve made mistakes, and I’m truly sorry. I don’t want to live life ‘my way’ any more. I want to start anew, to walk through life as your child, to live each day to please You. <P>I believe you loved me so much that You sent your Son, Jesus, to die on a cross, to pay the price for my sins, so that I could be forgiven. I accept Your forgiveness now, and I ask that You send Your Holy Spirit to live within me. I know only You can help me through what I’m facing. I trust that You will. I love You, Lord.<P>In Jesus’ Name,<P>Amen.”<P>...<P>I prayed that prayer many years ago. It changed my life back then, and it changed my life this year, when I went through the worst pain of my life. It will change your life, too, Anne.<P>I promise.<P><BR>Your friend,<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P>

Dear BrokenButNotCrunsh,<P>Again thanks for trying to lift my spirits, but it's so hard. The pain is unbearable,and I feel like I've lost my Spirit , that fun , spirited, smilling , happy person, The real me. The strong me that nothing get's to normally , These are the things that my husband always admirred in me.<P>You know , I always said that if this were to ever happen to me , I would of said "Chiao Baby i'm gone", That's what everyone who's me says. But it did not go this way, because I was fully aware of the love I have for my husband during our 16 year marriage but the more this is going one the more I realize just how much I love him, and how much I miss him........<P>I talk to him 2,3,4,5,6 times a day , I call , he calls We talk a lot and he is so mixed up it's not understandable.<BR> He his a man who normally strives on principales and values, and right from wrong, be nice to your neighber. <P>Last year is boss had an affait with one of the girls in the office. Rob was so dissapointed , mad, and disgusted , that he almost quit his job over it, he said that he could not look at this man in the eyes, that he had lots all respect for him. And now look at what he has done , the same thing!<P>His point of vue at the moment is that he does not give a F...... about anything or anyone ( except his son).Still says that he loves me, never said to her that he love her. I think she's more of a distraction to him right now , and maybe he is using her the sex and companie. <BR>Some times he is in a great mood, sometimes it not so good. Very moody, I guess w/ all the hurt, guilt, resentments. He says that he realizes the pain he is causing to all is loved one's and he want it to stop. And his only way to deal with this is to leave him all alone and not to worry about him and that if one day he figures it out he will let us know!!! That's not my husband talking. <P>I think that professional accomplishment are not where he would like them to be, he's setting unrealistic goals, I make twice his salary with my career ( I think it's starting to bother him , although he was always super supportive of me). He is just very confused, He's a goergous looking guy and yet turning 40 scares him to death. Brokenbutnotcrushed what do you think Should do , try and be there for him eventhought he says he does need my help or move away w/ my son 2,000 miles away near my family, and hope that he one day (soon) he realize that made the biggest mistake in his life and come back to us ( That is what I pray for). Maybe he really needs to fix -up his head before we can start all over again. He has been saying sinse the beginning of this misery that right now if he comes back he would only at 50% and he says that I deserve 150%, and that the way he only see us being together at 150%. Is it worth the wait and would it ever happen?<BR>Please Advise<BR>AnneT <BR>You know what they say something like " let go the one you love, if his yours , he will come back" do you believe in that.<p>[This message has been edited by Anne T (edited April 05, 2000).]

Anne T,<P>I wanted to respond because I really relate to what you are saying. I found out only last Nov, the OW was 21, and the pain was unbearable. My h was also extremely confused.<P>I think the first thing he needs is HOPE that it can be really good for the two of you again. If he is anything like my h, he may be feeling like it just can't be fixed. This and the guilt may drive him to further self destruct.<P>Encourage him to read Surviving an Affair by the Harleys. (Read it if you haven't). It gave both of us so much hope that we could recapture our in-loveness. He wasn't even able to tell me he loved me.<P>I know getting away from the one causing you the pain may seem the best thing. BUT spouses that separate are much less likely to get back together. It could drive him into OWs arms.<P>I hope I made sense. He really does not need to see where things with OW will lead. You said he wants a marriage that is 150%. He needs HOPE that he can have that. He must realize the affair is an ADDICTION.

Dear Anne,<P>I'm so sorry for the pain and indecision that you are feeling now. It isn't fair... it isn't right... But it is what it is, and you have only two choices: face it or or flee from it.<P>You asked my advice on whether to stay or move 2000 miles away to be with your family. STAY!<P>If you leave, as Schizzo said, you may be driving him into the OW's arms. Also, you would have to live with NEVER knowing what would have happened if you had stayed. Even though your H says he does not need your help, he doesn't know what he needs right now. As I mentioned in my first reply to your original post, he is caught in an addiction, and is making choices based on raw emotional impulses.<P>If you decide to stay, it will be VERY hard on you. Should you make this decision, please reread my last post on how to survive the pain that you will have to endure.<P>Suppose your H came down with a disease that affected his mind. Suddenly, he was not the man he always was before, and he started doing things that would have been unthinkable if he were healthy. Would you abandon him?<P>Normally, a relationship is a two way street. You give love, and you receive love. You do things that make him feel good inside, he does things to make you feel good inside. That is a healthy emotional relationship.<P>Your H is sick. He is suffering from an addiction that, until it is cured, will cause him to wound you terribly. You cannot look to him for love and affirmation while he is sick. He will disappoint you! <P>You can 'love' him back to health. But it will take time, and it won't be a two way street. When day after day you give, and don't receive back, you will soon become emotionally depleted. That is why I encouraged you in my last post to develop a relationship with God. He will give you the strength to keep going long after your own emotional reserves are spent.<P>You asked: "You know what they say something like " let go the one you love, if his yours , he will come back" do you believe in that?"<P>No, I do not. You love your H. You had so many wonderful years together. Fight for your marriage! But not with angry words... 'love him back to you...'<P>Your friend,<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P> <BR>