Cat and Allen,<P>Hi I want to share with you my experiences with joint counseling. Let me explain a little about how I got to the counseling in the first place, that might help.<P>I met my H at 17. We had our first daughter at 18. He and I were both a bit wild so to speak, but when I got pregnant, I settled right down. He did not. He was into drinking a lot and drugs that were varied from time to time. When he was 21, he started going out to the bars, A LOT. I had turned 21 six months earlier, and I didn't pull this. Plus, bars close at 2am. Why come home at 7am. Well, needless to say after six months of horror, we split up.<P>Keep in mind this was in 1993. So he told me that he would go stay at his dad's. The time apart would give us time to think, miss each other and work on our relationship. <P>Not even a week later, he was out every night. His family was furious. He actually told them he was with me half the time. It took about 4 months for me to catch on. But then I did.<P>Sure enough, he met a woman at a bar, who slept with him on the first night. She was like about 28 at the time compared to his 21. She had no kids. SHe made sure he would never see his kids. For months, no child support, no visits, nothing. <P>Once in a while, we'd hook up for a night of passion but that was it.<P>Eleven months after he left, I started dating. See I cried for about 10 months back then, which is why this time, I only stuck around for a month, because I've been through this similar thing with him before. I dont' think many people know that aspect of my story and tend to judge me as a wife who gave up one month after discovery. <P>As soon as I started dating, he wanted me back. He tried for a few months. Nothing he could do would get me to listen. Until one day he decided to give it one last try then if it didn't work, he'd commit suicide. He is lucky that I felt it in my soul, because I felt something, and went to him. He was in the garage with the door shut and the motor running. I saved his life that day.<P>Few months later, his affair totally collapsed and he showed up on my doorstep. Just the clothes on his back and begging to stay for a few nights. She had helped to destroy him, she knew he had obligations and didn't care that he spent all his money on her, not the kids. They did drugs and things got ugly. <P>I allowed him to stay for a week to get on his feet a little and find a new job. He was an angel. Did dishes, laundry, watched kids, you name it, he did it. <P>He wanted me back. I wanted nothing to do with it. Soon a week turned into 2. Then into 4. HE asked me to do joint counseling.<P>At that moment my heart was with another man, but I agreed, only for the sake of my kids, and my H (boyfriend at that time) has a way of sweet talking me.<P>We started counseling. I didn't know it then, but know it now, I went through a withdrawal from giving up my boyfriend. I was distant. At times I looked at Rob with disgust. I looked at him like why I am giving you this chance, this is your mistake, and you did this to yourself. <P>We went to joint counseling for 2 months. They gave us exercises, much like what a lot of the marriage builders are. Each week we had homework. Once, I remember it was, just hold hands every time you go somewhere until we meet again. It was simple stuff. Not to painful anyway. <P>We were assigned books to read. Papers to fill out. The beginning, we both talked a lot about our feelings and where we both were in the relationship on that first day. Then as the counselor saw fit, one day, it might more be focused on me and the withdrawal. Or him and the reasons he lied about the girlfriend. We had to tell all. Everything. I found out things that hurt me and he found out things that hurt him. <P>He was very hurt that I chose to see other people, however, what was I to do. At the end of about 4 or 5 months, we fell completely and totally in love all over again. Better than the first time. It was wonderful.<P>We were told to not look back on the past. I won't lie, there were many triggers. I would just be quiet when I saw one, but he knew and had to bring it up. We had the same fight over and over. Looking back, that was not good at all.<P>We were married a few years later, we had another daughter. Our life went on to be all I had hoped. I was disappointed as most wives are. He didn't help with dishes, dinner, laundry etc. He started, this past year taking a tremendous interest in the girls. I was so proud of him.<P>I look back and now I think, he was having the affair, and focused on them to distance from me. Part of it was he was growing a little older. He had a vasectomy at 26. We felt secure in our relationship. So how, less than 10 months later, could he leave me on xmas day and go to a woman he had a secret affair with.<P>I don't know. I hope this can show you one thing Cat and Allen.<P>THIS COUNSELING CAN AND WILL SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE IF <P>1. You have someone who is dedicated to saving marraiges.<P>2. If you both put the effort in and are patient, you will get positive results.<P>3. Realize, that the rules to recovery are for a reason. Follow them religiously.<P>4. Realize that as long as you both love each other this is possible. (I hated him at the time).<P>I hope this sheds a little light that we have all been through horrible experiences. I got through it once before. I know you two can also. I know your thinking, well why did you give up so easily this time? Why?<P>I believe I saved his life twice, devoted ten years and he did to me a second time what he swore he'd never do. I can only forgive so much.<P>Oh one last thing, it took me about 2 full years to gain my trust back for him completely. He was patient and did all the right things. If it weren't for the great job he did at the time, I'd have never cared or bothered to stick it out.<P>So when one of you is weak, the other needs to be strong, until you both can lean on each other and be comfortable with your feelings.<P>Good luck. I am so sorry this is so long. I forgot a lot of this until I sat down to tell you. <P>Prayers and thoughts will be with you both tonite, Dana<BR>
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<P>I guess we are both trying to figure out "is this both what we really want"!?!?!?<P>Hopefully he will help clarify that