Dear Mercy, <P>I have so wanted to talk to you. I am trying to relinquish the OM. Have had an EA for three months. <P>H won't work on the marriage, & knows I am sad. Sunday I practically stuffed His Needs Her Needs down his throat. He read a bit and then asked if I had ever wanted to have an affair. I said, "Of course! Several times! Every loser who is the least bit nice to me just makes me melt because of what treatment I get at home." (H is emotionally abusive and alcoholic.) <P>He is still in denial and quit reading. I said it was only my religion that kept me from cheating on him. He seems not to care about me or the relationship. He thinks all is well no matter how I bleed.<P>Trying to find a forum or contact here that is in my position: betrayer, not found out but would consider confession, horrible and lonely marriage, trying not to betray and trying to put marriage back together when H thinks he is perfect.<P>Doesn't look hopeful for the BS to fix it up alone. H threw away my book, A Woman's Guide to Changing Her Man, by the author of Divorce Busting. What am I supposed to do?<P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.<P>

Karenna,<P>My first advice to you is to get healthy. Staying in an abusive relationship isn't healthy. <P>I am not sure if you have read many of my posts, but I too am a betrayer and put up with a H similar to yours. Although there was not any alcohol involved.<P>I know that for years i lived with,"if only he would change'"maybe if I can be a better wife, he would change. It never happened. He would never listen to me, read anything, go to church! never! HE thought he was perfect. but he was so abusive.<P>I want to say to women who are in abuseive relationships to GET OUT! This may not be an option for you at this time. But, in time you will change so much because of the abuse. Any man who treats you with the utmost kindness, will make you melt! I know, i have been there. I cannot even say it is worth the long hard road ahead to stay and wait for someone to change. <P>My H found God. Period. HE changed my H. To the best man you could ever ask for. But, I could not appreciate it, and I had an affair. I developed feelings for the OM who paid attentin to me. I really became addicted. BAD. My affair was both Emotional and physical(it became physical eventually)<P>We could not work on our marriage until I was willing to do so. There is a plan A, but usually it would be your H who would do that ofr you. I am not sure thatis appropriate for the reversal of situation.<P>What would be his reaction if you told him? Have any clues?<P>What is the reasons for staying with him? Any children? <P>Is the OM, really what you think he is or only a "fantasy" because home life is so bad?<BR>meaning, is he similar to your H but different? does that make sense?<P>What religion is H talking about? <P>How long have you been married to H?<P>How supportive is your family? <P>What is your history with abuse? <P>(feel free to answer only what you feel comfortable?)<P><BR>I come from abusive homes form the start. My father was physically abusive, my mother emotinally and mentally abusive, my stepfather was emotinally absent, and physically abusive, my H was abusive his father and mother were/are abusive.<P>Let me tell you a turning point in my life. My H and I went to Denver to buy some clothes for a wedding we were standing up in. We had shopped all day, it was hot, i was tired, he had spent over 600.00 on a cowboy hat, boots, jeans, vest, ect. I still had to buy stuff for my then 4 kids for htis wedding too. We never really got along anyway by this point he was such an A******! (for lack of a better word!) Finally after we were almost broke, we headed home. <P>I was tired, annoyed, aggravated, upset, he had been so mean all day. About half way home, i started to doze off. He talked to me, wanted me to buy some beer at a store. I faked that i was alseep so i wouldn't have to deal with him.<P>He called me an F*ing C****. "you are nothing but a stupid F B**, you no good lazy fat B. I ought to kick you out to walk home." then proceeded to scream at my babies, now mind you they were only 1,2,3,5. I couldn't take it. I just started to pray to God," Lord this is your child. Is this how you like him to treatme and your children? I give him to you, you deal with him. Take him, change him to be the H you want him to be, make me the W you want me to be or TAKE HIM AWAY! Because, I am not going to honor my marriage vows if he is going to keep treating me and my family this way. He is yours" I was one pissed off lady. The Lord knew my heart. I was a broken soul. I could not take his crap anymore.<P>It wasn't but 6 months later that he gave his heart to the LOrd.<P>But it was almost that long before i got involved in my ea. <P>So I had changed. I wanted the marriage over. I backed out on my half of the "bargin". I didn't honor my marriag vows for a very long time.<P>NOw in saying all of this, I am not sure if it is worth the stay. I say to get into a healthy relationship. Does he know God? DO you? do you have a personal relationship with God? "With God, nothing is impossible" <P>Is God an option for you both? <P>does any of this help? Please answer my questions and I will think more on this. I may come up with more help!<P>God Bless,<BR>Mercy <P>

Thank you Mercy! <P>Answers:<BR>Do I Have any clues how he would react if I told him? Either become abusive or walk away.<P>What is the reasons for staying with him? He stopped the angry abusive outbursts on January 18. <P>children? Yes, a daughter almost 6 and I just found out I'm pregnant. This will be my sixth descendant. I'm 43. My oldest is having his first two months before me. Since my first four are all adults I have a hard time saying "six children."<P>Is the OM, really what you think he is or only a "fantasy" because home life is so bad?<P>He fell in love first. We are being mostly appropriate and above board. I got emotionally disentangled a few weeks ago. But we are really very good friends. My addiction is over, but he is a great listener and wonderful shoulder to cry on.<P>meaning, is he similar to your H but different? <P>No. He is polar opposite in personality, temperament, values, beliefs, skills, life experiences etc. He gives what H could not give even if he wanted to.<P>does that make sense? Yes, I do know what you mean. My first H was a non-communicator and so is my second, even though very different.<P>What religion is H talking about? It's me, not him. I am Christian. H says he believes in God but doesn't really. Hates churches, hates moral codes, hates to be constrained by expectations or laws, but is a conformist at heart and likes that everybody else has control.<P>How long have you been married to H? six years<P>How supportive is your family? quite. They don't live anywhere nearby.<P>What is your history with abuse? This is my very first experience with it. No history or background with emotional, physical or mental abuse before this. No drugs or alcohol either. My paternal grandfather drank whiskey several times a day, but he did not raise my father and I only saw him a few times in my life.<P>Is God an option? He is my ONLY option. H won't hear of it. God does want me to stay. This is to continue to be a growth experience for all of us. <P>Many times I have drawn a line in the sand and silently dared H to cross it. He never has. My standards go up each week. So for 364 weeks he has made incremental progress. Any week he failed to do better or hold would have seen me OUTA HERE!! <P>But it was so horrible to start out with that my patience has worn thin. On the scale of 1-10 for a marriage, a great one being a 10 and a miserable abusive one being a 0, I would rate ours at a 2 now. Being stalwart for so long has only brought me to the brink of affairs.<P>Why did we get married if it was so horrible starting out? The abuse did start before the wedding and got worse after the baby was born. Well, the physical chemistry was great. He was exciting. There was a thrill in being with a very physical, sensual dangerous male. We shared a couple of interests and he loved my (then) occupation and respected me a lot. I thought. <P>Then I was pregnant and unemployed. And raising my older kids. I needed security and he promised to provide it all. He even took anger management counseling before I would continue seeing him while we were engaged.<P>He is so much better now that he isn't lovebusting as much. Still we don't have what most people would call a "marriage" because he only meets one of my ENs, which is low on my list and easily achieved. He doesn't even want to find out what they are. He threw away the EN and LB worksheets I had printed out.<P>Hope this clarifies some more. I've been posting mostly on the Women's Bible Study.<P><P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

I only have a few minutes before I leave for class. <P>IF God wants you to stay, then there is a purpose to all that is going on. It means DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE!<P>But, remember what the bible says,Men are to love their wives as Christ does the church. Period. IT means to love and respect you. <P>I know that God performs miracles everyday. I have one living in my house. Keep praying and reading here and read the marriage builders stuff. Print it and leave it around. I used to write stuff big and put it where is was visible. LIke on the kitchen cabinets. I would put bible verses and such on there. <P>My H used to sneer at me for my belief and my dedication to God. But, he now is the best warrior God has in this house now!<P>I will pray for you and your healing. But, promise that you will get healthy. IF he is so abusive things could get really bad. I hope the abuse isn't physical. <P>Try Plan A. give him what you can. Give it a time limit. 6 months. If things have not turned around, try plan B. Get out. Get healthy. <P>Have you ever asked him what would he do if you had an affair? or, what would he think if another man got interested in you?<P>I wouldn't say anything just yet about the ea you had. Give it some time. See what is going to happen over the next few months.<BR>Keep in touch! <BR>Mercy