Dear Jaycie,<P>Welcome! I think you will find enormous support, understanding and information on this site. You have just learned (discovered) that your H has been having an EA (emotional affair); he has been sharing feelings with another that should only be shared within the marriage. Because he has made wrong choices in this way for the last year, he is now experiencing the almost irresistable desire to take his relationship with the OW (other woman) to the next level. <P>Our site has another forum called "Just Found Out" which may be appropriate for you. But, since you are here, I will do my best to offer you guidance...<P>Right now, you are probably feeling shock and disbelief at what your husband has told you. Even though nothing physical has happened yet, your H's actions are a betrayal of his commitment to share certain aspects of his life exclusively with you. It is natural for you to experience very intense emotions in response to this, ranging from sadness and loneliness to hurt and anger. <P>One of the most important things you will learn here at MB is that you must not act on these emotions. If you do, you will LB (commit a Love Buster, an action which further drains your H's Love Bank toward you). Since the emotions need to be released, rather than repressed, share them with your new friends here (venting), rather than taking them out on your H.<P>Though it may not feel that way, your H has taken an ENORMOUS step in the right direction by sharing his feelings with you before the affair turned physical. I, and so many others here would give almost anything for our spouses to have made that choice.<P>Last month, I posted the full story of my wife's betrayal and how I was able to recover from it. It is on a thread called Notable Posts, which contains lots of excellent reading material. To get there, go to the Just Found Out forum, and click on NSR's topic, recommendations for notable posts. Once inside, click on the blue hyperlink and it will take you to Notable Posts. Mine is entitled: "A story of hope... how I survived my wife's betrayal."<BR>Much of what I would share with you here is found in that story.<P>Though you may feel powerless at times, in reality, the way you choose to handle the difficult situations that come up will have a huge impact on your H's future decisions, even if he does decide to become sexually involved with the OW (a PA, physical affair). Despite what you probably think and feel, a PA is not, for most people, the end of the marriage. In fact, (though this may seem almost unbelievable) it often sets in motion a series of changes that result in the marriage becoming even stronger.<P>Right now, you have two important tasks ahead of you. First, learn all you can at this site about the fundamental concepts of how to meet your H's emotional needs. Second, do everything in your power to meet those needs for your H, without venting or love busting.<P>I know this is a tall order. It seems unfair that the one who is innocent must be the one to have to work so hard initially. But, as others here will attest, it is absolutely, positively the best way to preserve your marriage and to minimize the harm from the affair.<P>Your H is now addicted to the other W, and will demonstrate behaviors to her reminiscent of a drug addict toward the drug. It isn't your H that you are seeing.... it is the addiction, which is incredibly powerful. Even if he breaks things off now, as you want to strongly urge that he do, he will still have to go through withdrawal, which is very painful and may take months.<P>Try to take things day by day, without worrying how you will handle future problems that may or may not arise. (God only gives us grace for today, never for tomorrow). At the same time, though, you must take a long-term view of this process. It took a year to reach where it is now. It will take a long time to work through it. Keep your eye on the long-term goal of surviving this threat to you marriage, and ending up with an even better relationship than you had before. You will have good days, and I can assure you, you will have bad days. But if you realize this is a winding road, it will make the journey easier.<P>Lastly, and most importantly, pray. I don't know where you are in your relationship with God, but I can tell you that you will need Him more now than you probably ever have before. It was by leaning on Him that I found the strength to survive my W's three year affair (I, too, have been married almost 20 years).<P>I will pray that you and your H make wise decisons in the days to come...<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P> <P><p>[This message has been edited by BrokenButNotCrushed (edited April 06, 2000).]
