These are the exerpts from the book Private Lies by Frank Pittman.. Chapt. 13..<BR>THE DEFECTS OF ROMANTIC 2ND MARRIAGES..<BR>1) The intervention of Reality: Divorce in these marriages tends to take place very early in the marriage. During th affair, the infidel and perhaps the affairee are in a state of intensely stimulating unreality. The second marriage itself seems to be a swithc that throws the lights on and illuminates the mess that has accumulated. It is as if the romance had seemed real, while the divorce didnt. Only after the remarriage did the divorce become real enough for the lovers to see that it was all a horrible mistake. The affairs that become marriages typically were so intense they were never questioned at all. During the divorce, reality never set in sufficiently to let the romance be evaluated and questioned. The romance was so romantic on one ever got around to asking if it was sane.<P>2) Guilt.. People who have wrecked a family have inflicted much pain, and they have a lot they could feel guilty about. As reality sets in, they see many things they were overlooking. They may have felt no guilt during the affair and divorce, and the guilt they feel after the romantic marriage may come as a suprise to both of them. It is generally assumed that people who dont permit themselves to be happy must be feeling guilty about somethingm and are unhappy as a way of punishing themselves for their misdeeds. One aspect of guilt is the rluctance to enjoy ones ill-gotten gains. Another aspect of guilt is the urge to return to the scene of the crime and in some way make amends. As a romantic newlywed resists the joys of the ex-mate who was deserted so blitheyly, the new mate can feel disoriented and betrayed.<P>3) Disparity of sacrifice... Divorces are expensive luxuries. Whatever the financial cost, the emotional cost is far greater. Anyone after losing that much, will be drained, exhausted and depressed. It is particularly difficult when the exhausted survivor of a debilitating divorce marries the triumphant winner of the struggle. If the romantic partner is marrying for the first time, and especially if the courtship has been treacherous and insecure, the new mate will be ecstatic. A new couple may feel a disparity in what had to be sacrificed to bring them together. The partner who has never been divorced may have difficulty understanding the complexity of emotions toward the previous family.<P>4) Expectations.. Then there is the feeling that anything that cost this much emotionally had damn well better be worth it. The greater the sacrifices, the greater the expectations from the new marriage. Now that the promised land has been reached, it should flow with milk and honey. But instead, the new couple are just 2 tired warriors with no fight left in them. Whatever these people were expecting, the best they are likey to find now is the ordinariness of real life, the dubious peace between glorious battles. The more people enjoy the battles involved in wrecking and escaping marriages, the less they are likely to enjoy the business as usual of the new marriage that was the destination of it all.<P>5) General Distrust of Marriage.. Of course, anyone who has been unhappily married is likely to develop a strong distrust of the institution of marriage. People whose marriages fell apart during affairs are likey to end up distrusting marriages rather than distrusting affaris. People who distrust marriage have a vey hard time being in one.<BR>6) Distrust of affairee..It might seem appropriate for someone to go out with them, or even to marry them, but not quite appropriate for someone to have an affair with them. Affairs are considered dishonerable acts, and peope who feel guilty for having affairs believe that they are dishonorable and their partner must be dishonorable too.<BR>7) Divided Loyalties..During the affair tnd the divorce, the romantic couple isolate themselves. It is not only the betrayed spouses who are erased from awareness, but also the children, the families, friends, anyone who attempts to pull the romantic couple from the quicksand of their affair. But after the remarriage, there may be a longing to reestablish connections with families and friends and this may be more difficult than expected. Each close relationship and some that were amazingly casual may have to be renegotiated in view of the hurt caused to others.<BR>8) The nature of infidels.... People who get themselves into affairs have some specific characteristics that must influence the course of their subsequent marriages. Each kind of infidel is different. Most of those who end up marrying an affair partner are romatics who drift hypnotically through this romantic high without taking much responsibility. Romantic remarriage seldom works, not only because of th unrealistic nature of romance, but also because of the reality-avoiding nature of romantics.<BR>9)The nature of affairees.... Affairees want whatever they want from a relationship, jsut as everyone else does, but what makes them unusual is that they seek their goals among the married rather than the single. They choose partners who are not in position to marry them, and who are engaging in the relationship at great risk. People like this are clearly angry with marriage, and perhaps with the opposite sex. They believe marriage doesnt work, and they demonstrate that by breaking up another marriage as they find a partner for themselves.<BR>10) Romance.. People who believe in the chemistry of romance dont bother to learn much about the physics of relationships. When the romance begins to fade, romantics know little about how to solve those problems that they have relied on romance to transcend. It is painful to watch a romantic relationship dissolve. It happens so suddenly, and so totally. These people have alredy demonstrated that they would rather get divorced than learn physics, so it is far easier for them to follow the same pattern.<BR>11) Scapegoating of cuckolds... During the affair and divorce, the romantic couple conspired to convince each other that the defective marriage was the fault of the cuckold. To acknowledge otherwise, now that remarriage has taken place, seems a betrayal of the rescue fantasies that fed the romance.<BR>12) Unshared history... Even if the new marriage survives all of these obstacles, there is one further characteristic of all second marriages: The absence of a shared history that brings familiarity torelationships that began earlier in life. If a romantic marriage has wrecked a previous marriage or two, the history of the relationship is painful to both partners, and possibly somewhat embarrasing to others. The new partners keep thinking about it and justifying it, but it is hard to talk about lightly, in the familiar, safe manner of people who can tell their old war stories without guilt. However intense their commitment, people who share a guilty past arent totally rpoud of their new marriage.<P><BR>Ok.... i did it.. hope it helps everyone!!<BR>

Thanks for sharing mickey65 - inspired me - I'm going to buy the book!

Hey, many many thanks...didn't read it yet but I printed it and will read will H in bed in 10 min! Bonne nuit mickey65!

Mickey<BR>Have you read the book through? I started it but got waylaid.<BR>Tell me your thoughts on it if you can. Did it help you understand more?

It's a great book.

ws,<P>It is a fantabulous book! Doesn’t address how to mend a relationship, but gives plenty of details on how affairs happen and what goes on in the minds of everyone involved.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>

Yes, I have read it and my H is reading it now.. I think it is an excellent book.. and I think it is important for someone going through withdrawal to read chapt. 13 (which I just copied).. Freedom read this book and it was a great inspiration to him... Like Chris said it doesnt address how to mend after the affair, but there are other good books on that... I had been wanting to post that here for a while, and glad I finally did....

Mickey, thanks!<P>This thread helped me realize the brevity of my marriage to my husband after his divorce. I had been single 5 years, but he basically filed for divorce and met me. She had the exit affair. I apparently was an affair in his mind. It explains much to me about our marriage, and my husband's reactions. <P>Point No. 9 didn't fit, but many of the others did for my husband IMO.<P>

Hi Mickey,<P> I'm with Chris , I think this is a GREAT book.....It helped me so much. There is a great section on divorce and what happens to the "great affair " and the person left behind....made me feel alot better.I would be curious to know what people think of the author's belief that alot of times it's not the betrayed's fault (many times a betrayer wrecks an ok marriage by the lies,secrets and distancing)and also a person can not be expected to meet all of the other's needs...seems to disagree with Harley on these things what does everything think?.... Lu

Hi Mickey65,<BR>Just dropped in to see how everyone was doing, and get a little inspiration for myself. Great post. I read and reread those same chapters whenever things get tough. <P>Even now after 2 months of no contact with the ow and many sessions with Dr. Harley I still (at times) feel the pull to the ow and wonder if we could have made it work. Deep down I know the answer is NO, but it is a great fantasy and the affair was the biggest fantasy of my life. I'll probably never get over it completely, but things are working out in my marriage. The trick is to put the ow out of my mind completely, and the way to do that is to remember what you just posted. <P>I sincerely hope that everyone in this forum can get to where I am. That is understand the affair for what it really is (just a fantasy) and get back to the marriage that God intended. Good luck to all of you.

This is the first book I read when my wife told me she was in love with her co-worker. It has helped a great deal however I am starting to think that my W will be one of the 3% that works. Her life has not skipped a beat. She seems happy,her job is going great, my son worships her but yet she is the one blowing aprt two marriages. Yes it is sour grapes on my part.<BR>How did I get off on that tangent..... anyway it is a great book....

Micky65... Thank you so much... I'm definitely getting that book now.<P>

Mkn,<P>Everyone I know who's partner left them for another, especially if the cheater was a woman, goes through a period where they think the ex is going to have a great life. It's hard not to. They (especially women) keep the house, the kids, the car, the furniture, they have a relationship, they are getting exactly what they want, even a great expense to others, and they are high on the delusion of the new romance. Compared to the betrayed's new life in a basement suite trying to explain things to his/her family without saying anything too nasty about the betrayer, it seems nice. But I've seen 4 cases including my own in the last year and in 3 of them (not my own, yet, but I strongly believe in trends) the betrayer is now a mess. Lonely, scared, and watching the romantic affair deteriorate under the weight of issues that were never addressed.<P>3% is as likely to be a statistical "data collection" error as anything else. An Angus-Reid poll isn't even that accurate. It might take 1 year, might take 5, maybe even 20, but it'll happen. But who knows, by then you might not even care.<BR>

Great book. I wish H would read it. Maybe some day, but he's still denying it.

This is the best book that I have read on the subject. It was a great help to me in understanding the dynamics of affairs. I definitely agree that affairs are not the fault of the betrayed - no matter what problems a marriage has, an affair is never the solution (not for the marriage, at least. It may be for the betrayer, who wants out of the marriage, but first needs a replacement for the left-behind spouse.) <P>My H left me for his affairee almost three years ago. While he has not married her yet (he has lived with her for the last year), he intends to shortly. If it is going to break apart, I don't think it will until after they are married for a while, and reality sets in. Marriage has a way of doing that - while you are still dating or living together, the fantasy still continues.<P>This is one of the most helpful books I have read on the subject - I highly recommend it to EVERYONE.

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mickey65,<BR> Frank Pittman has another good book that I'm reading now.It's called"Grow Up",and it has a very good chapter on affairs and divorce.Also explains about taking responsibility for your actions,and being a better person.Probably a good book to read if you are getting a divorce,and want to improve yourself before getting into another relationship.Check it out. --Murph

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