&#65279;My W had an Internet affair with several men at one time but settled on a man in England. This<BR>started in Aug.99 and the Englishman got serious in Feb 00. I found out about it after they met in<BR>Mn for a couple of days Feb 5 00. She met him on Feb13-14 here, then she went to England to<BR>be with him for 12 days and she just got back from Chicago for 5 day with him. She has tickets to<BR>go back to England May 2 for 7 days.<P>She moved out on March 4 and is living in a friends boarding house. She wants to move into an<BR>apartment soon.<P>She has told no one outside of our counselor about this affair. She has not told her parents, best<BR>friends, 17 year old D, pastor, family. I know all of this from snooping. She has asked me not to<BR>tell any one about the affair. There are only about 6 people that know we are separated at this<BR>point.<P>I have confided completely in Steve, counselor, best friend and another good friend at work. All<BR>have keep this a secrete at my request.<P>The question I have is....Should these other people know? She has no pressures from anyone<BR>else. She only talks to me when she has to...about D, finances etc. She is financially<BR>independent....makes three times the money I do. She seems to have the best of all worlds.<P>Would other people knowing be a benefit to me and hopefully put more pressure on her and<BR>maybe causing the affair to die sooner...or would it make it worse?<P>I would appreciate any and all imput!!<P>J W<BR>

Hi J Willy -<P>What did Steve say about it?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Sheba<P>I haven't had a chance to talk to Steve about it. Next appointment in two weeks. I plan to at that time but wanted other oppinions too.<P>J W

My theory was to tell only my minister and one close friend. My H also told only his best friend. My theory was that I was planning on working thru this and did not want our friends and family taking sides, and having bad feelings about him that would linger after we got back together.<P>Now, you should know...first I'm a born optimist , and secondly, my H had stopped the contact with OW after he realized he felt "in-love" with her. While he did not think he could be in love with me again, he did want to try and rebuild. If he had moved out, I still think I would not have told anyone another person was involved tho. Again, if you are hoping to reconcile, why have all your friends/family torn apart and taking sides? It does help to have a close friend you trust to talk to tho...<P>Kathi

Hi again J Willy -<P>Oh shoot!! This is something I am conflicted about....wanted to hear Steve's opinion. Makes sure to let us know what he says OK?<P>My struggle with it is<P>To your wife it would be a Lovebuster to know that you told others.....especially when she asked you not to.<P>On the other hand......A lot of jolts for a betrayer to wake from the fantasy of these affairs have to do with outside intervention (talks) from people who love the betrayer and want to help.<P>Rock....hard place.....rock....hard place!!!!! UGH!!!<P>Hey, I have an idea....how about if you call Dr Harley's radio show? You can ask him - what do you think?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Don't tell. I made the mistake of telling someone last night. H is now not speaking to me. I've undone everything I've tried to do.<P>Today is not a good day for me. Don't make a day like this for yourself. --Just H Today

To all:<P>Sorry about the caption..."no" should have been "know" I'm stupid...but we all knew that or I would be needing this web site.<P>Kathi<P>I been in plan A for only a few weeks ...did not find out about MB til then. Plan A is extreemly hard since one she does not want a lot of contact and 2 she has been out of town so much with OM. From E-mails I have read the affair seems to be all PA now. I am doing card, poems, notes flowers etc in her car about every week to 10 days. Steve doesn't think it should be more frequent. I think I need some outside pressures.<P>Sheba<P>The radio shows sounds good...I can't do it today but first chance I get. I prefer to think of myself as being between a dog and a fire hydrant!!<P>Thanks for the reply and if you have more ideas please post.<P>J W

Hurt<P>She is not really talkig now. She only email's. We are having lunch today only because she needs to talk about finances so she can move to an apartment and she wants to send D on trip for graduation.<P>J W

<BR>"Between a dog and a fire hydrant"<P>LOLOLOLOLOL!!!<P>Let us know if you talk to Dr H....<P>And thanks for the laugh!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

The problem with outside pressure is that soemtimes it only "hardens" their resolve...a lot of that may depend on the person, and how well they normally take advice. Also, on who it comes from. So, there is probably not always one "right" answer about whether to tell or not.

J Willy,<P>I guess my advice would be to talk to D about this. Not to get her on your side or to put pressure on your W, but so she doesn't get blindsided by all of this. Many people think that young adults are not affected by divorce, but that is definetly not the case. <P>I believe you said in one of your posts she is off to college next year. If she is you don't want this to hit her while she is in school. It good really mess her up.<P>So the one person I would talk about this with would be D. The rest? well who knows.<P>God Bless You,<P>JL

My H said I could tell anyone I feel I need to, weird huh? I told my dad (he's a pastor) but did not get the response or advice I was hoping for. My close friends know, not friend of his. They live in another state. Our pastor knows and one lady he recommended might help me, she went thru an awful ordeal years ago. I'm someone who needs to talk things out, H not a talker. I find it relieving to have someone to share with. Our teenagers don't know. Since we are trying to work it out, but if we weren't I'd tell them. Bad side, my H doesn't want to go near my dad, too ashamed. My dad would never say anything to him, and I believe it, he barely said anything to me. Only tell people you trust, and those are few and far between. But if she moves out, ?. I want to hear what Doc Harley says too. Be sure to post it the next day as his response to telling so we can be sure to see it.

JL<P>My D will be going to school in the same town we live in. She will not live at home. She has always been very close but this situation has been hard on her. She does not want to live at home. She is mad that her mother left and she has told her mother who told me that she thinks I should have been the one to move out. She and I are getting along pretty well now...we have talked a lot but she knows nothing more than we are having problems, separated, and in counseling. She must suspect more but does tell anyone. I agree that she should know the truth before she is blind sided by it by. Some I have talked to say she would never believe it of her mother. This sort of thing is not like W. I'm wondering how W is going to explain another trip to England in three weeks.<P>brknhrt<P>She moved out March 4. I don't know if it makes any difference that way now.