I posted a message last night, when I was on the verge of asking for a divorce -- thank goodness I came to my senses, once again -I was really thankful for all the helpful posts...I especially found one in an area called "motivational posts" or something like that -- I can't find that area again, though...<BR>Anyway, I hit the day with a renewed effort to give my all on plan A. My W was surprised at my behavior, we had good discussions, etc. Then she decided that as soon as I got home she would go running at the local Y -- something she's been doing a lot lately -- it's an escape for her, and totally in character with her recent focus on just herself, at the expense of me and our damaged relationship. Anyway, she gets home after an almost 2 hour absence (much longer than normal). I didn't ask her what took so long, but then she starts talking about all the people she is meeting there. One of them is a guy (older, she says) who was constantly commenting on her good running form, or her weight-lifting ability, etc. <BR>Jeez...just when I'm trying hard, I get hit with more reasons to be jealous...<BR>This plan A stuff is SO HARD!!! How is it possible to keep giving and giving when you get NOTHING IN RETURN???? It seems at times that she is purposely trying to push me to my limit!

She is trying to push you to your limit. And, if you want to save your marriage, your job is not to be pushed anywhere - period.<P>That's the extremely hard part - it's a catch 22. This is something we humans naturally need to react to, in order to protect our space/our spouses. Yet, anger in reaction is just what she wants now, in order to justify her behavior. You will have to get used to seeing the obvious, recognizing it for what it is, and not attacking it directly ever. Like her going to the YMCA for running - maybe she did, and quite possibly she either didn't go or didn't stay there very long before going off someplace you really don't want to know about. You see, when you said she came home telling you about all the people she met...etc.....that's often a dead give away she's trying to cover her tracks.<P>It's crazy, but let it go, there's nothing you can do about it right now. All you can do is as Harley suggests, from your strengths which is working on you and what you bring to the relationship. You are the one with the relationship foundation, with the history to fall back on, with the memories. You are the one she is hopefully comfortable with, always. Read Harley's work and build on that. You can do it. And no it won't be easy at all.<P>SamH

I am not sure I know of your story, but, keep trying. I didn't think that Plan A was working here, but it did. My H was very patient and loyal to me during this time of trials.<P>I am the betrayer, and I now realize that if my H hadn't been there for me, even though I gave ABS0LUTELY NOTHING back in return.<P>When I was doing the escape thing, I wouldn't come home after class until way later than usual, but it was generally because I really didn't want to face what I had done to my family and marriage.<P>Give her a bit of time. Plan A is for about 6 months with improvements.<P>Maybe if I knew more of your history together, I may have more to tell you.<P>Mercy

Thanks, Sam and Mercy..<BR>A little more background. She had an emotional affair with someone she works with. It had been building up for several months until in November of last year when it became a physical affair also..She told me on January 2 (9:15 a.m., to be exact). Since then, it's been a real rollercoaster. She still works with the guy almost every day. We're on our second counselor, and this one is really good -- challenges both of us, won't let us by with anything. She swears that she no longer speaks with the guy about anything but business, but of course I find that hard to believe, and even if she did, just the fact that she sees him is, as you all know, not at all good. She has always said that she wants to stay and work it out - even though at times she basically admits that its because she doesn't want to break up the family (two boys, ages 4 and 6). Initially she was very apologetic, and VERY loving and affectionate. That changed after about a month, when she started getting more and more distant. She says its not because of him, but because of her need for time and space to work herself out, and also because I've said so many mean things during my several angry outbursts. Most of my outbursts have involved her ongoing daily contact the the OM, or reactions to learning more and more about the intensity of their affair (phone bills, notes, love letters, etc.)<BR>Anyway, I think we're going to make it, but I've got to figure out a way to get her to leave this job (she knows its a big problem for me...but won't do it now). I've also got to figure out a way to deal with this total lack of attentiveness and affection, adn this complete focus on herself and her needs...just at a time when I need her love so BADLY... I'm relatively calm tonight. Last night I was so on the edge I almost asked for a divorce -- but others on this site talked me out of it -- thank goodness...<BR>

DD<P>I know exactly what you are going through. I am doing something similar with my W. I can try to tell you how I deal with it. I'll tell you first that I had a EA some 18 years ago and that makes it a little easier because of the similar events. Its uncanny how I remember doing almost everything she has been doing. This does make it a little easier but I do not recommend that you go out and experience this first hand. I curse the day I ever met the OW of years ago.<P>As far as how I deal with it. It is like there are now two of me. One that is aside not doing anything and does not let her withdraw anything from me. Like I have put a hold on my love bank. She is not allowed to add or withdraw from that account.<P>Then there is the other one that is doing nothing but Plan A things...at least as much as possible in my situation because she has moved out and been out of town with him so much. That person is not allowed to LB. It also helps to have the good friend that I have...to run everything by her before I do it. I get another persons perspective and it helps time and time again. It puts me in the right frame of mind and it helps to prevent LB. It does not stop it completely, but I know it helps a tremendous amount. This friend is truly a friend in every since of the word. There is no possibility that an affair will ever come out this situation with her. We respect each other way too much for that to happen.<P>I don't know if I have explained this so that you can understand it...it is a hard concept. I have just become two people in my mind with one that resist the hurt and pain and lets as little of that in as possible and the other that concentrates on a good plan A. I have this site, Steve, another counselor, a good friend(actually two...a male friend also), a very good present pastor and a good friend and former pastor all who help in one way or another and above all I have God to turn to.<P>I hope this helps and I hope you find away for you. My prayers are with you!!<P>J W

DD,<P>I had a link in my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A> post... called...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A>... and it has sections of inspirational messages.<P>I think, maybe, that was what you refered to as "motivational posts"...<P>Of course... all are welcome to visit it...<BR>It is <B>by</B> and <B>for</B> forum members!<P> <P>Jim