My story is so long and drawn out it isn't even funny..so I will give you some basics now, and hope that I won't confuse anyone. 2 and a half years ago, I had an emotional affair with a man I met on the internet. I never met this man in person. My husband discovered the affair, just as I was about to end it. The other man and I had planned a meeting, and as the time grew shorter to the time I was to see this man face to face, I realized that I couldn't go through with it. My husband and I have a really rough period for about 6 months, and since then we don't mention it anymore...it's a part of our past. Then, last year, my husband had a one night sexual tryst with a close friend of mine. He wasn't drunk, so that's no excuse, I was working one night and my friend came over to my house, and my husband was feeling lonely I guess, and one thing led to another and they had sex. Since then, my 'friend' has moved out of the state, and I know for a fact that there has been no contact between them. My husband is very loving and supportive, and understanding of my feelings. So, you may ask, what's the problem? Well...there are a couple of them. The one year 'anniversary' of my husband telling me what happend is drawing near (yes, he told me..the 'guilt' was too much for him, he said) and..I am feeling a little strange. I'm angry with him...even though he has done nothing to provoke this anger...lately. I don't want to make love to him...honestly I don't even want him to touch me..and I have felt this way for several weeks now. The other problem is, that I have recently (just today, in fact) discovered that my husband has been spying on me. What's worse..he's doing it in our home! Our daughter's bedroom is on the other side of our computer room. We had drilled a hole in the wall to run electrical and phone lines through when we remodeled the house last year. The hole is still there..and it is in a position where if you look through it from her bedroom, you can see under the desk where the computer is. Every night when I get home from work, I sit at the computer and check my email...ICQ with my best friend who lives in Canada, and take care of nightly business (I own my own business). Our other daughter asked me this morning why her daddy has been making her sister sleep with her in her room down the hall. I said I didn't know. My daughter then informs me that last night she heard me come home from work, and was going to sneak out here and watch a movie with me after H went to bed. She said that H kept sneaking into the hallway and going into our youngest daughters bedroom (the one with the hole in the wall). Then he would sneak out. I thought she was making up stories..until she made reference to a time last night when I went to my bedroom to tell H something and my daughter said that he "practially ran" through the hallway and into our room..just moments before I walked into the room. I had to say his name 3 times before he answered me...so obviously he was trying to make me think he was asleep. <P>Wow...I've made a short book out of this post. Sorry about that. I just don't know what to do about this. Why is he 'spying' on me in our own home? I can't ask him about it just yet, because he would only deny it. And are these feelings I am having about him normal at this point of recovery? Is it 'normal' to still be so angry almost a year later?<P>Thanks for taking the time to read this...I appreciate any adivce or insight.

Sheridan,<P>I usually don't respond to many posts due to lack of time or lack of advice, but since no one else has tackled this one yet I thought I would take a stab at it. <P>First of all, from my perspective that is, your story is kinda funny, at least the part about him running down the hall to get into the bedroom before you find him missing. That could be me! Heck, it has been me! Don't get mad that he is spying if you can help it. He is experienceing the same fears and sorrows you are but reacting in a different way. You are feeling anger by reliving his one nighter, he is feeling fear that your anger, which he must sence, is related to the reoccurrance of the internet relationship, or the beginning of a new one.<BR>Besides, where else would he spy on you, than in your own home? Particularily if your EA revolved around the computer. Any number of us will admit to searching through files and folders looking for evidence that "something" is still going on with our betraying spouse. You just happen to have a peephole! (That still makes me smile, and I really don't mean to make light of it, as it certainly reveals a lack of trust complicated with a large dose of insecurity!) You both have been betrayed and have betrayed a trust, and as individuals will have to recapture that trust for yourselves. You cannot make him trust you and he cannot make you trust him. Just as he cannot make you drop the anger you are reexperiencing right now. Only you can let it go. And yes, it is a natural, ok, emotion to reexperience even a year later. One of many. Sounds to me like a "level 4" conversation is in order here, during which you both need reassurance and freedom to express feelings to one another. Have you read any of the many books out there on the different ways to have these type of conversations, without it blowing into a full scale fight? Harville Hendrix in the book "Getting the Love You Want" describes a technique useful for these types of conversations. You could express your anger through a "word picture" written following the examples in Gary Smalley book "the Language of Love", if a verbal confrontation is too threatening. But however you approach the problem, communication, loving and supportive, needs to take place. It's most likely one of your basic needs anyway, well maybe. It's one of mine. <BR>Once you have analyzed your anger, recognized it for what it is, put it in a delete file and recall the good that has transpired over this last year. (You did not say if any good has transpired, but I assuming it has or you would not be approaching a one year anniversary still together.) <P>Well, so much for my penny. Just wanted you to know someone is here right now.<P>I think you will get through this.<P>Beth

Hi Sheridan -<P>I just "met" you on the Baseball Thread so I thought I would hop over here and see what's up...<P>First, Again Welcome!!! I am sorry that you and your husband have gone through such upheaval in recent history.<P>Sounds to me like neither one of you have complete honesty going on and definitely are not where you both want to be with trust issues.....<P>After your EA and H's PA - what did you two do to take care of any problems? In order for you to have been open to your EA, you had something that was not quite right going on about the marriage...same for you H with his PA.<P>Did you both discover and address what issues were going on in the marriage that led to these events? Did you solve the root cause?<P>Communication is the most important thing in a relationship.....<P>Have you read around this site yet? If not check out the MB principles and understand what needs to be done to get you and H communicating and on the same page.....<P>Hope this has helped some....you will find a lot of support here and we will all help you to encourage your H to work with you on making your marriage into a wonderful and long-lasting union!!!<P>Big Hugs,<P>Sheba <p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited April 06, 2000).]

Hi again--<P>Thanks you two for responding. I will try to answer your questions...although I may skip around a bit. <P>First if all..yes..many good things have happened during the past year. H and I have both started our own small businesses...and both are going quite well. We just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary and went somewhere we never dreamed we would be able to go together...and had a wonderful time! <BR>As for my anger...I have tried so very hard to let it go...but my efforts aren't working real good at this point. You see, his PA took place less than 2 weeks after we had celebrated our 3rd anniversary...I had planned for weeks something special to do with my H for the occasion...and we had a wonderful time...him saying that he had never felt closer to me...that he cherished our marriage...blah blah blah....and then to find out that he had done this so soon afterwards. <P>We had a nice evening last night...I got home from work and he was waiting up for me..we talked awhile..had a snack..and went to bed...and yes, I made love to him. <P>I guess I'm just tired of this '6 days of BS...and 2 days of heaven' crap we are going through right now. I'm not so sure that the 2 days of heaven are worth the 6 days of BS....ya know? <P>As for his spying...I should let that go...and I know that. If his spying on me gives him a sense of security..knowing that I'm not doing anything wrong..then more power to him...but how long will this go on before he realizes that I'm being honest and faithful? I still chat...but only to a close friend in Canada (female)..and to family members and close friends back home. I log all my chats...and don't care if he reads them...and also I have a second email account and he has the password so he can (and does) read it any time he wants. He bought me a cell phone so he can keep tabs on me..which is also fine...I have nothing to hide. <P>Is it true that when someone is guilty of doing something..they accuse their spouse of doing the same thing? >:|<P>