A letter to my H. All quotes taken from How could you do that. By Dr Schlessinger. Feed back please! It was ironic, today was the divorce class on base, I went to go get info, guess who showed up also. He said "guess we both don't need to be here", I am not going to file yet.... Just getting prepared. <P>Feed back on the letter ok!! Please, I want to give it to him to THINK ABOUT ACTIONS!!!<P><BR>T,<P>I just finished reading this one book and have realized a lot of things. This letter is for both of us. This letter is to forgive myself for what I have done. I am accepting responsibility for my own perception, attitude and actions in our relationship. It’s a lot easier to affix external blame than personal responsibility for what I contributed.<P>These behaviors have forced me to face how my own actions contributed not only to my unhappiness, but also to the unhappiness of others. I didn’t want to be the “bad guy” for even a moment, I wanted to steer clear of fault or blame, and in doing so I missed the opportunity to create real magic.<P>1st, you were right in saying that we shouldn’t have gotten involved with each other. I have never experienced such pain in my life. I never realized the pain that I caused in your marriage to S and your children. For that I am very sorry, I realize that I have received everything I deserve. It is clear to me that it is wrong to be disruptive and destructive to another’s marriage. I have asked for forgiveness. I can no longer “justify” my behavior. Courage is what gives values vibrancy. I had values until the dilemma was mine. Then, because of my particular circumstances, selfish needs, and uncomfortable feelings, my values became optional.<P>You told me that D had gone through this, her husband had cheated on her. I know that I will never again be the cause of such pain to another person. I was completely selfish, I thought of only myself. I have blamed D; in fact I am no better than she is. Time to get off my moral high horse. <P>I have been reading so much, trying to understand the why’s etc., of what happened. While searching for the why’s I began to look at me. I began to look at my behaviors, my attitude, and my actions. There are a lot of things I am not proud of. But, I am changing. <P>I have come to realize that “not doing right” may have momentary payoffs but will wreck havoc with your self-esteem, respect from others, and quality of life. I think we both need to think more seriously before we act without character, courage or conscience. I have come to the conclusion that the rest of your life depends on what you do with any given moment. It is true that each choice you make has consequences that either increase or decrease future options and opportunities.<P>When you choose wrong because it suits you right now, the message you give others is that when it suits you, you may likely do wrong again. You become a threat and liability to others. Your actions helped me decide that you are not the person to be going with when the going got tough.<P>A “DISILLUSIONMENT” phase with your partner and marriage, perhaps with life in general, is normal and even expected. This is precisely where commitment comes in, because for stability and perks to the individual and to society, marriage and family need to be for “better or worse” not just for better or until a better offer comes along. Every great relationship is such because it suffered through the disillusionment phase, and other such “lows.” In fact, it is the process of surviving the lows that bonds us closer together, and leaves what we call love.<P>It takes time to get from the fantasy to the reality, and honor and commitment are the forces that get you there. The obvious immature alternative is to ditch your present reality and go for another, rationalizing that your partner must be doing or being something wrong or else you’d just be perpetually grinning.<P>Some people, the ultimately “lucky” ones, stick it out and end up with the satisfaction they were complaining about missing in the first place.<P>I guess you have reached the reality of our relationship. I want to believe that we had something special, but I have come to realize that I am still in the “fantasy” stage. I have read over and over again that relationships based on dishonesty don’t last. Marriages born out of an affair survive approximately 2 years. We are right in the ballpark. You were not ready for a commitment; I realize that now more than ever. We were seeking different paths. I was looking for “true love.” I really thought that I had found it. I have yet to reach the reality of our relationship, but one day I am sure I will. I rationalized and believed in us. I once again put my head in the sand and didn’t acknowledge what was happening all around me. This is something that I really need to work on. That is something that I have done all my life. I will get my head out of the sand, all in time.<P>I asked you in my last letter what you were running from. I still am asking. You know once you begin the process of this soul-searching b*** s***, things really do come to light. I have a long way to go. I wish that I wasn’t doing this because of what has happened, I wish that we were doing this together, and growing together. Like they say there is a reason for everything. This is my time to grow my time to realize whom and what I am. This is my time to become a better person, I am getting stronger and growing every day. It feels great letting go of the guilt and the justifications of what I’ve done. I never thought I could be wrong!!<P>Every day I think it gets a little easier. I no longer fell bad all day everyday, that’s an accomplishment!!<P>I hope that one day you will start looking inside yourself and find out what is causing you such pain. I hope you find out what it is, then I believe you will find happiness. You can’t keep covering everything up with the drinking, it actually makes it worse, you can’t keep spring boarding from one relationship to another to make you feel good, you hurt too many people in the process and that is very unfair. One day I hope you will realize this. One day I hope you stop running. <P>I’m sure this won’t be the last letter to you, hope you don’t mind, but I’ve got a lot of emotional junk to get through and who knows me better than you.<P>One of my biggest regrets was to take the easy road also, run and hide, other wise “I may loose you.” In doing that I did loose you. Maybe if I would have done things differently and said how I felt, about behaviors in myself and also in you we could have worked through them. <P>If you ever get the chance or if you ever want to do some soul-searching look up Borderline Personality Disorder, and Antisocial Personality Disorder. <P>A person with borderline personality disorder exhibits labile (fluctuating back and forth, sometimes in a quick manner) interpersonal relationships characterized by instability. This pattern of interacting with others generally has persisted for years and is usually closely related to the person’s self-image and early social interactions.<P>T, if you ever need someone to talk to I will be here. It’s not easy to judge ourselves. It’s not easy to measure our values are character are courage and our conscience, when we’ve tried to ignore them for so long. Is not easy to change. I read some place that character is “what you are when no one else is looking.” Pleasure is an end-point, happiness is the journey. I have begun my journey. I’m sure you really don’t care what I think at this point and time, keep these letters please, maybe one day you will.<P>t<BR>

Dear T,<P>A lot of wisdom and I perceive that it was painfully aquired. I am not exactly sure of the situation. I suspect that you had an affair with a married man and then you married him?? And now the two of you are getting divorced? <P>If it makes you feel better to write him your feelings and thoughts, then do it. After all, you were married to him for two years. You probably need everything within your power to help you with your grief and pain if you loved him and are ending your relationship. You seem to be showing some character and dignity in this letter....that is a wise choice and I hope you can maintain that.

Bonnie,<P>Thanks for the reply. Yes, H found someone new. It has devastated me. I love him very much. I also realize many things.<P>The typical justification on my part, when we first starting dating he said he was seperated, he had filed, it was over. It wasn't. I should have stepped out right then and there, but i didn't. We live and learn. <P>T

Troublec,<P>I'm not sure what you are trying to attain with this letter?<P>Are you attempting a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... in order to halt/postpone the divorce?<P>Are you attempting a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... to ease your and his transition to the divorce?<P>Is this a vent?...<P>In all cases...<BR>...most of it was <B>very</B> nice...<P>However...<BR>...and I always hate doing this...<BR>but...<BR>...there are parts that are <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>!<P>Whether you're in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> or <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... these should be avoided...<P>Thoughts like<BR>"When you choose wrong because it suits you right now, the message you give others is that when it suits you, you may likely do wrong again. You become a threat and liability to others. Your actions helped me decide that you are not the person to be going with when the going got tough."... and...<BR>"It takes time to get from the fantasy to the reality, and honor and commitment are the forces that get uou there. The obvious immature alternative is to ditch your present reality and go for another, rationalizing that your partner must be doing or being something wrong or else you’d just be perpetually grinning."...<BR>are judgemental...<P>Trying to teach (especially since most spouses don't really want it)... like listing illnesses as "Borderline Personality Disorder, and Antisocial Personality Disorder." to your spouse...is also a love buster!<P>Your acknoweldgement of contribution to problems... noting your learning... your changes... are all <B>very</B> excellent!!!<P>It is a <B>very</B> good letter...<BR>...but depending on what your goal is if it is sent to your H...<BR>...it may or may not be in line with Harley's concepts (...and of course... that's OK too!)<P>It was well written!<BR>It was clearly from your heart... and head!<P> <P>Jim

Hi Troublec -<P>I agree with NSR....<P>BTW - Dr Laura's book is excellant, isn't it!!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<BR>

Jim,<P>How about a little bit of plan a in my life..<P>a little bit of plan b is all i need...<P>no, I don't know, I don't know WHAT i am trying to accomplish. <P>Wake him up really, I know its a lb.<P>I changed it to take out the judgements. Sometimes isn't that what people need!!!!!<P>Oh I know....<P>Thanks for the feed back. I will keep plugging away at it.<P>Tracy

Tracy,<P>The similarities/differences between a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> "love" letter and a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> "No Contact" letter...<P><B>Similarities...</B><BR>Both are true heartfelt <B>love letters</B>...<BR>Both should have no Love Busters...<BR>Both should have no "educating the spouse"...<BR>Both should have no "blaming the spouse"...<BR>Both should say you have contributed to demise of the relationship...<BR>Both should have examples of how you've grown..<BR>Both should show your strength...<BR>...no begging, pleading, crying...<BR>Both don't specify time limits... (they can change)<BR>Both should say <B>you</B> will continue to grow. <P><B>Differences...</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> - one of many more letters to come...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> - last letter (in almost <B>ALL</B> cases)...<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> - mentions your desire to meet spouses <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> - mentions NO (or few as is possible) <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> will be met...until contact with OP is over...<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> - repeat often that there is a safe 'haven' back at home with FS...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> - safe 'haven' is not mentioned...<P>---------------------------------------------<P>It probably didn't help...<BR>Maybe confused your decision(s) more...<P>But... I thought I'd throw it into the pot.<P>You're still <B>loved</B>... you know... <P>Jim