I need some help. I've been married now for nearly 10 years. My husband and I were both married previously...both of our marriages ended when our spouses had the 'last affair we would tolerate'. Both of our spouses had several affairs and both my H and I had never been sexually involved with anyone other than our spouses. <P>When my husband and I married - I truly believed it was God's will for us. My husband was a gospel singer, recording artist. I expected a life full of church going and moral teaching for the children - a home like I was raised in. How wrong I was <P>My relationship with my ex ended cleanly. Because that was my decision. No funny business - no wishy washy. But my H - who I had trusted so completely - continued in a relationship with his ex that destroyed the foundation of our marriage. He has 2 children, as have I. His are grown now and mine are entering their teen years and I don't want to rock their boats. Even though I have no marital relationship to speak of...they have a good stepfather. I wont go into the lies, half truths, omissions..it would take too long.<P>I became so depressed during the first 3 years of this marriage that I couldn't eat, or sleep. I got down to 92 lbs and the more I clung to my H - the more violent and abusive he became. It was hell....until I met another man. A man who took hold of something in my spirit that hadn't given up. And my H was so obsessed and involved in his ex's screwy life that he didnt even notice...much less care. <P>The OM listened to me and comforted me, and I cried on his shoulder. He encouraged me through the roughest years...I could call him anytime - anywhere. And he put my needs first. This man is beyond wonderful. And he is very married...for over 25 years. We met through common involvements our children are in. And something just 'clicked'.<P>As the years began to roll by, my life began to center on the OM. My career, my schedule, his schedule...we inform one another about each other's plans. Even when we travel...we keep in touch. Online, via phone, cell phone. This has been over 7 years now. But nothing physical...purely very close friendship and mutual admiration and support and encouragement. My H's ex lost interest in him about 2 years ago -which - naturally was coincidental to the time she couldn't get anymore money out of him.<P>His children are grown...his ex has lost interest...so now - he remembers he HAD a wife. About the time his ex & children stopped taking up his entire existance, he went through a CRISIS period and demanded I stop any contact with my friend. That is impossible for me....and I owe my friend sucha a debt of gratitude - not to mention I love him dearly. I won't 'cut him off' to please my H who set me adrift, alone in a stormy sea 10 years ago...lied to me, cussed me, hurt me, and withheld affection and financial support when ever the mood struck him just right. I am on anti depressants and I'm living my life...and 99% of the time..I'm happy. But today is a down day.<p>[This message has been edited by daughter (edited April 07, 2000).]

Daughter<P>I would like to know more about the OM status marriedd?...children....etc. Is the EA affecting his life and family in a negative way.<P>Did you know the H was still into his wife even in a EA when you were married?<P>J W

hello J willy..thank you so much for responding.<P>I didn't dream my H was interested in continuing with his ex. He despised her (or so he led me to believe). She had 'ruined' his life, etc and so forth you see. He had me convinced and for those first 3 years, I believed his lies. You see, she harassed us unendingly...day and night. Needed cash, $500 ata time, needed help, needed him to look at her car. You name it. He always made it sound to me as is he was helping her with little things 'for the kids sake'. And I bought it, until I finally caught him a horrible lie. It was all revealed..he had made promises to her concerning having a non-diviorced divorce. In other words..they had agreed to split - but they would be first priority in the other's life. Had even discussed a long term split and then a reconciliation. I was pretty much his entertainment in the mean time. <P>He kept his end of their agreement - she used him and has no interest now.<P>The OM is very married, over 25 years. He has 2 children about my children's ages. He denies any conflict in his marriage concerning my being in his life. But I know they never talk, don't communicate. And his answer when I ask if she has been upset is "She didnt say anything". He refuses to admit it...either that or she truly doenst care. He is a very prominent man in my community and his W is very very into the social scene. Its all about appearances to her...big house, nice car, expensive trips. <P>I don't know what I touch in him that keeps him in my life...as solidly as he is part of mine. There is a definate sexual attraction between us. And we have talked for years and we know what the other one likes, needs, wants. But we've never fallen into a bed. Not even a kiss...well, other than on the cheek <P><p>[This message has been edited by daughter (edited April 07, 2000).]

Daughter<P>You do not have an easy situation like most on this web site. I have mixed feelings about what you describe. On one hand your H has lied and been deceitful from before your marriage and that's not a good thing by any means. I think you have to ask yourself what you want out of him and will that be enough.<P>On the other hand an EA for so long even though it is only an EA still causes families and spouses grief and pain. You only have to read a few posts on this site to see that. My W has gone from an Internet Affair to a EA to a PA in a matter of months and that has been the cruelest thing that she could have ever done to me. She rationalizes it by blaming me for the lost communication and please know that I am at fault for that. At least I see that now. We both became wrapped up in many things...building a house, our D volleyball, buying and selling property, community affairs and on and on, that we forgot to and did not seem to find the time to communicate. <P>I blame me for letting that happen and I blame her for not telling me she was unhappy and finding the communications from someone else. I think she should have at least try to resolve the problems with our 24 year marriage before she went with the OM. She chose not to. I believe the A will die one day and hopefully I will be there to pick up the pieces. I hope that emotionally I can take it for that period of time.<P>I think you should have decided to fix or get out of your marriage before you started the EA...but I know how they get started because you see that I was the betrayer 18 years before and I now curse the day I met the OW in my life because it caused so much hurt to me, my family, and her family and that may be one reason why I am having the problems today.<P>It seems like you need to decide some things. I would encourage that you post often to this site. I believe that you will find incredible compassion and advise. I would also encourage you to seek counseling at least for yourself and if you can for both of you.<P>I can and do offer my hope and prayers that things work out for you!!<P>J W

Thank you J Willy. for your honesty.<P>I know I have some tough choices to make. But I can't make them. I think I've unconciously decided to put my energies into maintaining the relationship with the OM in my life. Because he IS IN my life. My H isn't. H gives me nothing emotionally..he just takes the energy out of me like a sponge and gives nothing back but silence or anger.<P>And he is continually deceitful. Especially about finances. And I don't know what else he is hiding. For example...I was overdrawn in my checking account this past week. Instead of helping me with $50.00 to cover a couple of overdraft fees (which would have kept OTHER items from NSF'ing) he demanded I give HIM cash. Said he didnt even have gas money to get to work. Couldn't buy a notebook for my daughter for school. <P>The next day...as I scrambled and stressed to get my finances back on track...plus getting the kids lunch money...plus putting gas in my own car to get to class (I'm finishing my bachelors) I was embarressed because I had a lunch date with a girl friend I go to church with - she had to buy my lunch. I had taken care of everyone else, on a student loan type income...including my H who earns nearly $70,000 a year.<P>I stopped in my H's credit union to discuss moving my checking account there....and the lady asked for my account #. I handed her my credit union card and she asked how much I wanted to transfer out of our savings. He has HUNDREDS of dollars in that bank account. I had no idea. And he has led me to believe that not only could he not loan me $50.00 (YES..LOAN his wife money) but that he needed me to give him all the cash I had so he could get to work.<P>He has used these ploys to break me down and keep me under his thumb for 10 years. 10 years. I've had to make it on my own. I am not telling him I found out about this account. Instead...I had her transfer $100 bucks into an account solely in my name. THIS is why I'm here tonight..talking to you. Tonight I had plans for his birthday..had movie tickets,,,,nice dinner reservations. Instead...he made plans to be elsewhere. And just casually mentioned it this morning.

Daughter<P>I am very sorry for the hurt and pain. I can feel it. I think everyone who reads this can. I don't have any good answers. I only know you must do what's best for you and your children. Gets some counseling see your pastor and talk to him. Let God be a part of this...He can be very comforting. Post here often and let all of us know how you are doing.<P>My prayers are for you!!<P>J W

daughter,<P>I know you are in incredible pain, and the only source or friendship you seem to have is OM.<P>But your husband has ended his relationship finally with X-wife - and he sounds incredibly selfish, and deceitful. <P>Reading your replies to Pilots wife, do you feel that you created that dishonesty in your husband? You didn't. <P>But, it seems that you need to decide whether you want your marriage to work, or you want to continue on the way things are, or you want to end your marriage.<P>I think maybe you would like to give it all you got for a period of time, and if it doesn't work out - well, you know you tried? Can you stick to that for 6 months?<P>What are your husbands emotional needs? What is your relationship with your stepkids? What are your emotional needs?<P>It sounds like you and your husband are just preparing for that future day of divorce, him hiding money and you with your EA.<P>EA is sometimes more dangerous than a full blown PA. Because, we somehow justify that it isn't dangerous. <P>Keep talking. We are here for you.<BR>TNT

Dear d,<P>I am pretty much where you are. An incredibly close EA taking the place of H who is all too often in an abusive mode. Otherwise in an alcoholic mode. Or an absentee workoholic mode.<P>The last three weeks I've been trying hard to get him to see the gravity of the situation. I confessed to being repeatedly sorely tempted to have an affair. That did make his eyes pop and he has been careful not to lovebust since (not that he knows the term or anything).<P>Legal advice: clean out that joint account and pay a lawyer to protect you in case this does become a divorce. You may need a sleuth to find other accounts and hidden assets.<P>Then confesss to H EVERYTHING. Not only does he have the right to know what he is married to, the damage he has done to his marriage, and the risk of its imminent failure, but there is no other way to recruit him to fix it. Do it in a non-LB way. Yeah, right.<P>Unfortunately, there isn't a heck of a lot of help on these boards for undiscovered WS's who want to fly right and work on the marriage when it is a one-sided project.<P>Pray. Join us on the Women's Bible Study forum and learn with us how to be the wife God wants YOU to become. <P>Far be it from me to tell you to ditch the OM now. Perhaps you should both tell your spouses at the same time. <P>Friends are important, but they should be integrated into the marriage. Not hidden, secret or separate. You will need to realize that you are not ever going to get the OM if you leave your H. He is into the appearances and materialism as much as his W is. <P>He is also slanting his story about his marriage to appeal to you, get sympathy, etc. I know, I have done it. As bad as it is, I always make it sound worse than it really is, especially to the OM. <P>Please keep posting and lurking or whatever. There is so much valuable help and wisdom from battlescarred veterans and ancient angels to be found here!

Good morning Karrena and TNT<P>I guess I don't really feel I created the dishonesty - but I unwittingly kept the home a hostile emotional place. Out of my own pain and insecurity.<P>Karrena...it occurs to me that I might have seen you end a few messages with Blessed Be. I recognize the symbolism in that farewell. If I'm on the right track here - you'll know what I have recognized about you. I am Catholic but I have many online friends who believe as you do..one of whom turned out to be just a few miles away and we have met. From your belief system..isn't it true that we attract what we dwell on into our lives? Even from the Christian perspective - Jesus' own words, Paul's...they all confirm that you must dwell on the positive.<P>My 'religion' (or I should say lifestyle) is central in my life. I base my entire life around it. Its how I make decisions and raise my children. I have always been Christian but have converted to Catholicism during this marriage - it is a source of strength and stability for me. And..Catholics DONT divorce. Thats just the way it is. The OM is Catholic....so well, I'll let you guys put 2 & 2 together about this. We know where we stand - we are keeping this EA at the most. Thats all it can be and we both accept that freely.<P>My priest has been a wonderful counselor and the Church has given me direction. And that direction - in MY particular circumstances must not focus on the marriage...it must focus on the ME but I can't divorce. <BR>