It seems to me that many betrayers rationalize their betrayal by invoking fate, claiming that they have no control. My H said that he "couldn't help his emotions" (and apparently couldn't help acting on them). On several occasions I heard, "I had to do such-and-such".<P>Over and over on various boards I have read stories by betrayers claiming that it was fate that caused them to meet and get involved with the OP. One went so far as to claim that your whole life is mapped out the day you are born. If that is the case, then of course nothing you do could possibly be your fault, and you would never feel guilt. Must be nice.

I am a betrayer, and do not feel this way. I am sorry for your pain. <P>I am totally guilty of giving into improper feelings outside of my marriage. I was selfish to indulge in such behavior. But, in everyway I was in control. At first. then it became the "addiction". but to start I was in complete control, i could have said no, i just didn't want to. He made me FEEL good. But, that is a long story. I didn't have to do anything, I plainly wanted to, but this all comes with the healing of my relationship, I had to admit to myself, that I WANTED to do what I did. <P>When you base your decisions on FEELINGS not much is to come of it. FEELINGS are at times a bit irrational. <P> <BR>MERcy<P>I have a real problem with the fate business. i do not believe any of it. crap.<P>

Nellie, kind of like the "soulmate" discussion revisiting, huh?<P>Uggh.<P>I do NOT believe that affairs are part of "fate"!!<P>I do believe that God can have plans for our lives, and that he will bless marriage, marriages of believers and non-believers alike. And, that to me is powerful.<P>But, I do not believe that affairs are part of fate.<P>I agree with you 100% about how the "fate" theory by the betrayed alleviates their conscience of guilt. But, not forever, unless they are mentally ill.<P>

mercy-I am new to this board and I don't know your story at all. I was wondering if you and your h have gotten back together? How long did you affair last? When did you realise that you made a mistake. Sorry for all the questions but My h had an affair that just devastated me and I am searching for answers. I have been in counseling and my counselor believes that my h will one day regret everything he has done and want to come back. Can you give me any insight???

Nellie,<P>In a way, I do agree that people do not have control over their feelings. However, they do have control over what they do about them. Feelings are merely our internal warning system, that is all. When your H initially became attracted to the OW, he had a vast number of choices:<P>1) Stop contact<P>2) See a counselor<P>3) Talk to you about the state of your marriage.<P>He did none of those, from what you have described.<P>The reason I take just a little exception is because my ex-H believed that if I ever even had feelings for someone else, we should get a divorce. So naturally, I was scared to death to either go to a counselor or talk to my H before anything happened because if he knew the truth (that I was attracted to someone else), I was convinced he would divorce me. That belief of his (and my ignorance about the nature of attraction) made it so much more attractive to bury my thoughts and feelings and withdraw from my H, hoping it would go away. I too, did not choose any of the above choices. I did try to talk to my H about our marriage, but everything was my fault and all in my head, according to him. My ex expressly told me that he would never want to know if I was attracted to someone else, yet I was supposed to get a divorce if it happened (?). Some people might find this hard to believe, but I was never, ever attracted to anyone other than my ex-H for seven years. Never had fantasies, nothing. So when it did happen to me, in my ignorance, I blew the whole thing way out of proportion. Thought is MUST be love if I could even THINK of having feelings for someone other than my H. <P>One of my biggest mistakes was my failure to reach out to anyone. I told noone what I was going through before anything happened because I was so ashamed. Not family, not friends. When I finally confessed to my ex-H, was was absolutely the first person to know.<P>I've met a couple of people who tend to go along with the "fate" comment. I think my ex was one of them. He thought he had no power to save our marriage, and that it "wasn't meant to be" if it required too much effort.<BR>