I have been consumed by the need to confront her. She was not just a namesless faceless person. My husband met her in OUR home this past NY Eve. And AFTER they had been sleeping together she came into OUR home (she is a friend of a friend) playing cards, watching movies, etc. with me present (& totally clueless). I want to let her know how I feel about what they did. My husband has since ended it (I hope). But the way he did it was unforgivable to me. When he finally came clean 2 1/2 weeks after I figured it out & confronted him I told him the only way we could even consider trying to make our marriage work is for him to NEVER see, speak, Email, smoke signal her again. And if he felt the need he was to come to me & explain why. 2 days later he comes home & said that I had nothing to worry about in respect to her because he ended it. At first he said he had talked to her on the phone but I dragged it out of him that he had gone to see her in person "because he owed it to her to tell her in person". I completely lost it. I asked him what part of NEVER did he not understand. I am afraid that the last shred of trust I had left vanished that night. I just don't understand why she deserved more respect in this than I did after 13 years. Because of this way that he handled it, I feel the need to confront her face to face to see for myself that it is really over (at least on her part). One of the reasons I figured out that H was cheating was her odd behaivior in our home. So I feel that if there is something still lingering between them maybe I will pick up on it. But the real reason is I have alot to say to her. Have any of you ever confronted the other person? And if you did, did it resolve anything? Thank you in advance for your advice.

I understand your want (need) to confront OW. I actually did this, but the fact of the matter was it accomplished nothing.Don't give her a reason to contact your H.Which she will,and he'll probably defend her.Mine did.<BR>In fact, after I confronted her, even though H was denying it, he was still seeing her.So I just felt stupid because regardless of what I said about how he wouldn't, the truth of the matter was he did.<BR>My advice would be to write everything down you'd like to tell her.Really let her have it, but don't mail it.If you do your H is liable to defend her.Don't give him any reason to "come to her rescue.<BR>I understand your anger.You didn't cause this mess, but you will be doing all the work to repair it. It'll be very, very hard.<BR>One of the toughest pills I've swallowed is<BR>accepting the fact my H had to end it, and nothing I said or did would change that.<BR>Read everything on this site.Post as often as<BR>necessary to stay the course.<BR>May all your dreams come true.<P>

From what I have learned and seen here on the board. Confronting the OP doesn't make any difference. Some will say "Oh, it's over", "You can have him/her, I don't want him" and even "I wouldn't take him/her back if I were you". And guess what the OP USUALLY GOES BACK if MP re-establishs contact. They are out for themselves, basically we all are when it comes to what our hearts want. But they will try to be the nice, peaceful, calm headache-free person to our spouse, so that they can convince our spouse how much better off they would be if the left marriage and stayed with them (OP). Sorry, for the rambling, but 9 times out of 10, it may make you feel better by giving them a piece of your mind, but OP can lie too, especially if it helps to stay in good graces with your H. Beware

Claire...don't contact the OW. Take it from my experience. It backfires...just like Darla said. H felt sorry for HER, not me. Even though I was the one betrayed. It's not worth it. Don't give him or her ANY excuse for contact. I didn't follow my own advice and I think it ultimately made things worse. Get yourself and H into counseling immediately. If he won't go, then go by yourself. You will need every ounce of strength to get through this one. My prayers are with you. I know this is such a painful and difficult time for you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

You are better off not confronting her directly. This only opens the door for her to tell you things that hurt you all the more and delays your healing time.<P>What I did, I wrote her a letter. I never sent it, but I got all those feeling out and down on paper. It was like I was telling her, but I got the satisfaction of having the last word and she couldn't argue with me. She couldn't hurt me anymore this way.

I also have struggled with this--and I HAVE confronted the OW on a couple of occasions. But in retrospect it was counterproductive. H defends her and she ends up the victim. Don't give her that satisfaction. She's already demonstrated what kind of person she is--selfish and heartless. Like Rachel, what helped me most was writing her a letter, spelling out everything in great detail. I've never mailed it, but it helped release some of the anger, and I can add to it whenever I'm tempted to look her up. Chances are, she's going to be the big loser in the long run. I know how deeply painful it is, tho. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

One more in favour of NO CONTACT.<P>In my experience and from what I learned in here it will<BR>#1 accomplish nothing<BR>#2 give her a reason to contact your H<BR>#3 give her the feeling that she has some power in this situation<BR>#4 invite her over into your life whem she has no place there<BR>#4might lead to asking questions that will be answered by her in the way SHE wants. <BR>WHich could be the truth, but in a way that will make you feel better, or just believeble lies with the intent of upseting you.<BR>#5might - probably will - be a LB for H.<BR>#6 did I mention that it accomplishes nothing ?<BR>There's more, but I'm still going to work, and I'm in a hurry <BR>Take care<BR>Kat<BR>P.S. - things that you can do that might make you feel better:<BR>Write her a letter saying all you want to say - son't send it, read it every once in a while.<BR>Make a picture of her, and add at will: horns, moustache, warts, ... I'm joking but youget the idea.<BR>Start writing a journal, write down all that is making you feel bad, what you wish you could tell her, but also the positive things that you see happening in your relationship with h. Add, tickets from shows you might watch together, bills from restaurants, pictures from happy days etc.<BR>Now I really have to go <BR>Hugs to you<BR>Kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Dittoe to everyone else's responses! <P>Fight the urge, the OP is not worth your time or energy!!!!!<P>Doug<BR>

I could have written your post myself. I had a VERY similar situation, and I also had/have a strong desire to confront her. I decided against it after someone very close advised me that it would only make me look bad, and since she is a liar/denier what would it prove. But I have to admit it eats away at me almost every day. (and its been 10 months since discovery). I have to see her on occasion at various child related functions, and I can not stop glaring at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Since she has alot of mutual friends of mine, I also have a desire to share with them just what a whore she really is. I also agreed with the reply posts, that your H will support and comfort her especially if you go balistic on her. For some reason, they have a strong desire to defend and support these whores. Sorry if I sound bitter, and angry,,,,,

Aces, how in the world do you deal with her breathing the same air? I just found out tonight that she may be at our mutual friend's twin's birthday party next Saturday. Do I not go? My son loves playing with them and they will be at his birthday party on Sunday. Do I ask the friend that its her or me at the party, or do I just send my son with his Uncle? My stomach is in knots over this. I DO NOT want to see her at a kiddie party because even if I could remain a calm rational adult, who knows what she would do. She is 24,single with no kids so what the h@ll does she need to be at the birthday party for two 4 year olds? Its bad enough that I can't go to my friend's house (the OW is her next door neighbor) so our kids can play...try explaining that to an almost 5 year old...AUGH! I just wish she would disappear!

SweetPea,<P>Thank You! You have given me some good ideas. I had lunch today with the friend who kid's party it is and she is just so upset over all of this. She said that if it came down to it she would tell OW not to come. I told her that I know that I could restrain myself around all the kid's, but seeing as how I barely know the OW ( & what I do know I despise), I just didn't know if she had enough sense to just stay on the other side of the room from me & we could just act as if each other doesn't exist. My friend informed me that OW had mentioned to her that she was thinking about trying to get in contact with me! I made it clear to friend to let her know that THAT would probably not be in her best interest....to say the least. I suppose she feels that I have plenty to say to her & she is feeling guilty....even told friend that she feels bad about all the pain she caused me...which means SQUAT in my book, because if she really felt bad for me then she would have never done what she did. I think that she is just desparate to get back in our shared friend's good graces. <P>So anyways SweetPea that you for the advice, I may have Bro-in-Law escort son & I to party (no way in H@LL is H going anywhere near the place!) if for no other reason to escort my slighty buzzed butt back & forth safely!

Hi Claire,<P> I agree with Sweetpea....go , hold your head high and make her squirm with your serene and dignified appearance. If she makes a scene, let her, she will look very ,very bad, don't let her draw you into something. Take back the places and friends that are YOURS....let us know how it goes...LU

Well this is probably one that we have all had to deal with. I did call OW and set up a meeting with her and then a HUGE snowstorm occured...boy talk about an act of God... and it was cancelled. I am glad, because now I feel that I have seen her for what she is and have nothing to say to her. It was funny that at one point my H told me that she was afraid to meet me because she thought I would scream at her...actually I had visions of filling her full of lead but that didn't happen either! I have gone to my H office on several occasions and will continute to do so as long as he is there, you cannot let them intimidate you!! Is it hard, yes, but it is worth it to remind her that I do exist and that I am not giving in to her.<P>I have established my presence in their little world and it is uncomfortable for them. I also made my H a picture that he has in his office...a constant reminder...I send him little notes in his lunch or e-mail him, send him little momentos in his briefcase to keep me in his mind through out the day. Shows him that I care and reminds him that he has a W.<P>Above all, as you have already heard, don't give H a chance to 'protect' her especially from you because you will always look like the bad guy.

Well.... my first H was cheating on me with my best friend and his best friends girlfriend and I found out about it... <P>I made him call her on the phone while I was on the extention sitting right next to him. I told him not to tell her I was on the other line.... and if he had a problem with that then he wasn't sincere in meaning it and I would leave forever! I asked him to tell her it was over and make sure she understood it.<P>When he told her that I knew about them and I might confront her, she said, "Well, I am just going to deny it!" He told her... "There is no way that you can do that now. She knows." Then.. I said to her.. "Yes, I know." and that was it. <P>Later that day I called her boyfriend and told him that my H and I were getting a divorce because my H had cheated on me. I did not tell him with who! He was shocked and when the OW, his girlfriend came home he sadly told her of their best friends pending divorce due to the fact that my H had cheated on me. <P>She asked him how he knew about it and he told her I had called him. WOW! It was so amazing! She automatically thought I had told him everything and she confessed on her own! <P>Sometimes, things work out JUST how they should.... That ended that.... and sadly we lost our best friends... but then... what type of friend was she anyway?<P>Good luck to you....<P><p>[This message has been edited by Lacee (edited April 06, 2000).]

Claire--<P>Is this party something your H would have attended with you normally? If so, I'd strongly suggest that he attend. That way, OW will SEE you two, standing side by side, a unified front. <P>I love Sweetpea's suggestions of showing off jewelry or mentioning fun plans for later within hearing distance. If H does attend with you, make it a point to link arms, etc. often.<P>My two cents!

i called the OW after my husband had been involved with her for a full year. I do not regret it in the least. Why should you act as though she doesn't exist? And why should she be led to believe that YOU don't exist? Let her know you are a true, flesh and blood person with a voice, an opinion and feelings. You don't have to call her and be nasty, either. <BR>I exercised restraint and self control when I called her -- this way she, in all honesty, could not go back and tell my H that I was a b---h (which is what he is always telling her about me, I'm sure). I asked pointed questions and although it's probable she lied about most of them, it gave me satisfaction to hear her voice (a deep, manly sort of voice), to realize that she was not as intelligent as I'd given her credit for previously (my husband was always throwing in my face her educational background vs. mine), and it was interesting to throw a few traps in her way and watch her fall in -- which she did. Maybe I was fortunate in that she was a "talker" and, of course, the more one says spontaneously and without forewarning, the better chance one has of saying too much. She did and I was able to file some of this away in my head for future reference. Maybe I'm alone in my feelings of satisfaction in having spoken to the OW, but, again, I'm glad I did. She didn't impress me at all -- now I have to work on a way to actually SEE her. This is something I've not yet been able to do and it's been one and a half years that H has been involved with her.

Thank you everyone for your advice & insight. It really helps to communicate with people who know where I am comming from. <P>As for H going to party.... not a chance. I am not about to give them an opportunity to be in the same room together. I made it crystal clear to H that if he happens to be sommewhere that she is turn around and walk out the door. Do not say hi, do not wave, do not acknowledge her in anyway whatsoever. He said his goodbye to her in person (against my wishes) and any further contact will not be acceptable. <P>And I don't have to wonder what she looks or sounds like, she has been in my home on several occasions (in fact the affair started in my home on NY eve). She is a friend of a friend so that is why I have to deal with her at this kiddie birthday party on Saturday. If she does start something I will pack my son up & leave, no reaction, no satisfaction on her part - right? And don't worry, if she even looks like she is approaching my son she will regret it. Bro-in-law has agreed to go with me & firend would just shoot her dead in her tracks if she tries.<P>On the bright side of things, had son's birthday party yesterday and it was great (he will be 5 tomorrow). For the first time in months I felt like a normal person. We were functioning as a family unit, with lots of people around (14 kids under the age of 7, + parents) and it was wonderful. I am not delusional thinking that everything will be back to normal just because we had one good (GREAT) day, but its a baby step in the right direction.<P>Thanks again to all of you. I will keep you all in my prayers.<P><p>[This message has been edited by claire1022 (edited April 10, 2000).]