These quotes are taken from "How Could You Do That" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.<P>Character - What you are when no one else is looking.<P>Courage - Throughly living life requires initiative, risk-taking, sustained action against all odds, sacrificing for ideals and for others, leaps of faith.<P>Conscience - Our capacity to judge ourselves in moral terms and to conform to those standards and values that we make a part of out inner being, motivated by good feelings such as pride, compassion, empathy, love, and identification.<P>Not doing right may have momentary payoffs, but will wreck havoc with your self-esteem, respect from others, and quality of life. Think more seriously before you act without character, courage, or conscience. The rest of your life depends on what you do with any one moment.<P>"If someone does something as an "event" rather than as an ongoing behavior, and they experience deep guilt and remorse, is the person profoundly changed by the experience? In that situation, something is gained, albeit at somone ele's expense. If a person assumes full responsibility for their actions and make efforts to redress, then something is gained."<P>After bringing this book out and Highlighting (I have had it for years, actually I got it when my H and I were first dating, saw things then, my choice was to ignore), its been ANOTHER learning experience. <P>The one statement really hit me because the "on-going" behavior has repeated itself over and over again. (Learned this from his X wife). I have been doing a lot of searching also. I believe my H to have Antisocial Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcisstic traits also!! <P>In Borderline Disorder: exhibits labile (fluctuating back and forth, sometimes in a quick manner) interpersonal relationships characterized by instability. This pattern of interacting with others generally has persisted for years and is usually closely related to the person's self-image and early social interactions.<P>What is really scary is that I have read that this type of person is an attraction to me (unless I change) and we will seek each other out. Do this again?? PLEASE NO!!!!!<P>I'm having a "good" day and am thinking rationally. I can not "save" my H. He has got a lot of issues and I don't think he will ever face them because it is "easier" to run, escape in alcohol and affairs. <P>I think when I meet someone again I will require them to take a personality test. <P>I have learned so.... much about myself (Thank God) since this has happened. I think that I am getting stronger every day. <P>Yesterday I talked to H, he wants to get his name off the house and asked ME to find out what he needs to do. I said ya ok, not really thinking about it. After we got off the phone I thought, and I am going to tell him this "If you want your name off the house, YOU call and find out what YOU need to do. Why oh why should I do what he can do for himself. (I am taking a non co-dependant stand here!!! ) It feels good!!<P>I also read that the shame of a divorce will be his, NOT MINE. He made a choice. I was not afforded that opportunity. <P>I really wish he could see what he keeps doing over and over again. I wish he could see how he is destroying his life. I really would help him with this if he'd let me. He needs a counsler and fast!! <P>Watching someone you love with these behaviors is very difficult, I wish I would have admitted to him what I was seeing, but then I took the risk of "losing him." So in the end I ended up hurting worse and feeling like the "victim." Maybe things could have turned out much differently. Maybe not. I doubt I will never know. <P>Tracy<P><BR>

Wow, my H just told me too he wants his name off the house, dejavu. Of course, I don't work and that leaves me with a house I can't pay for.<P>I agree with you. I saw a church sign once that said the same thing, "Character is when you do what's right when no one else is looking" and that has always stuck in my head as the greatest lesson to learn in life.<P>How sad that people learn life's most important lessons only after they have self-destructed and it's too late. God bless.<p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited April 06, 2000).]

I am reacting, just a little, to the self-congratulatory tone in these posts. We've all done self-destructive things. Some worse than others. However, it is never too late to learn from your mistakes.<P>When pointing out your spouse's character flaws (and comparing yourself favorably), remember "pride goeth before a fall", and "there but for the grace of God go I". I am not a religious person, however, I too was guilty of believing I was not capable of doing certain things, and I did them. It is a constant reminder that I (we as humans), must be always vigilant. <P>You mention that the shame of a divorce is your H's not yours. However, you did decide to marry that person. That doesn't mean you should feel shameful, but you made a choice too. <P>I've read the book you describe, and I've also listened to Dr. Laura's program a couple of times. While I tend to agree with her stand on personal responsibility, she never mentions the mistakes she has made in her own life. She had cheated on her first spouse, for instance. I'm sure there are other instances when she did things she wasn't proud of. The tone of her broadcasts tend to paint her as a person who has never done anything aggregious, which is not true. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited April 09, 2000).]

The Student,<P>Believe me what you said is true. I have acknowledged my part in all of this. I think it sometimes helps to vent my frustrations here.<P>Have I lacked all three of these characteristics, you bet, I got involved with my H when he was still married, same old story "it was over." I justified my actions then believe me. <P>What I have done is take a look at my values and I have seen how they have changed. I never thought I would get involved with a married man, I did. I lowered my values and moral standards and justified my actions because "I was in love". I never thought I would accept someone who cheated on me, once again I lowered my values to try and make this work.<P>I feel this book opened my eyes to what I did. I do not only see what he did. I feel the hurt that I caused, and you have no idea how sorry I am. <P>Believe me I have been knocked off my moral high horse, and I told him this. Do I like the person I am, that I have become?? No I don't. Do I look forward to regaining my self-respect and working on the 3 c's?? Yes I do. I want to become a better person. <P>I do not put all the blame on him, I contributed to this relationship.<P>It is his shame. I have never had an affair, I was married 13 years before, had no feelings for my X, never once did I consider that as an option. <P>He made choices, he could have made different ones, HE choose not to. <P>Maybe I am puting disrespectful judgements on him, but I KNOW THIS, if I were to have an affair, & I lost my job because of it, lost the respect of everyone I work with and especially my mentors, would I feel shame. YES I WOULD. <P>Tracy