Okay, this is just about as complicated a story as you folks will see here. I've been here for a long time but I'm mostly a lurker; I don't think I've posted anything for many months. Both W and OM are computer professionals and since W knows I come here, I assume OM does. I really really doubt either of them would come here, but you never know. I don't want to rock my leaky, rotting boat any more than it's rocking already.<P>Married almost 19 years, typical ignorant male. Neglected wife for too long. Wife read HNHN about 3 years ago and after lots of soul-searching and getting her courage up, she asked for some needs to be met. Being the dolt that I am, I blow her off and tell her to get a hobby. She does: chatrooms. (Truth be told, she had already found chatrooms and in fact had found someone to "play" with by then-OM1. That was the impetus behind asking me to meet her needs, which were conversation and affection.) I thought I had chased her away from him, but I didn't realize until later that he really got replaced with OM2. So far, it's still a chatroom problem.<P>Since I reacted so poorly, she decided to pack her emotional bags and go play somewhere else. I found out in short order and basically did all the wrong things. We started counseling in February of '98. I was sincere with my efforts to rebuild the relationship, but I had had a long-standing problem with depression that was still not under control, and I basically blew several good opportunities to reconcile. In May of '98, wife found a real-life plaything (OM3) and started dating. She felt guilty and confessed within days. I struggled with this for a while, but she assured me that he had gone for the summer. (She is a full-time student at the local university. So is he.) Our attempts at counseling ended at about this time - May '98.<P>In the summer of '98 she went underground with her internet relationships (she was/is a full-time student at the local university and so had ample opportunity to use computers on campus) and started talking with her long-distance guy on the phone. Lots and lots of stuff went on that summer, many lies were told and believed and discovered, and after school started in the fall of '98 she started up both the real-life and the internet romances. She arranged to spend a weekend with OM2 in October of '98. (Note to betrayed spouses: Most likely, if you suspect something is wrong, it is. I've learned to trust my gut. Also, when your spouse takes up an intense interest in a formerly unconsidered sport like, oh, for example, mountain biking in Utah, pay attention.) Later that month, I caught her in a "compromising situation" with OM3 on campus. I told her she was history and she spent the night with a friend. She came back the next day in tears and brought our pastor with her. He convinced me to take her back. I did, and it lasted a couple of days until I destroyed it with a huge LB. That may have been my last chance.<P>In Jan '99, I lost my job. Found a new job in a couple of weeks, but the new job was out of town. I had to drive 6 hours one way, spend the week sleeping on my brother's couch, and drive 6 hours home to get here on the weekends. It was tough on everyone. I discovered this site about 3/99 and started planning for a Plan A to end after summer '99, at which time I thought I'd had enough and would go to Plan B.<P>During the summer months of '99, wife got very hot and heavy with OM2. I knew a lot, but of course W insisted that she wasn't doing anything wrong. I discovered the real extent of what was going on 8/1/99 by installing a keystroke logger on the pc. She had been buying phone cards and giving him the numbers. (Why he couldn't buy his own stinking cards I don't know.) I've been living on little tiny crumbs of affection for literally years, and they would have what she called "head on chest reading time" where she would read excerpts from Cosmopolitan to him over the phone. I learned of her secret email account but unfortunately I was too eager to compromise and she successfully torpedoed that.<P>I now refer to 8/1/99 as D-day. My original plan was to go to plan B about then, but she seemed sincerely interested in reconciling. Since then though she's become more and more distant, even though I didn't think that could be possible. I was insistent that she end this affair with an email from her to OM2 and she would have no part of it. She seems to have no interest whatsover in rebuilding trust - I once asked her to call me on the phone when her night class ends and she threatened to drive into a tree. Her mantra is "no expectations, no rules". She keeps the same schedule as she's had for years with regard to OM2's chat habits - in fact, as I'm typing this, I suspect that she's using a university computer to chat with him.<P>I know that having my wife living at home is a great opportunity that I should be grateful for. I am truly thankful that she's still here, but I fear that she plans to leave after she graduates next month.<P>I've counseled with Jennifer and have an appointment coming up, but want to hear advice from everyone as to how best to proceed. I'm sure that I've left things out of this story but I'll fill in as needed.<P>Okay, that pretty much brings me to the present, and my question of the day. I've tried to avoid bringing up relationship issues, but as all of you know, it's hard to avoid sometimes. Today as we talked she mentioned that she's starting to feel less angry with me, but that she's starting to feel "sisterly" toward me. I'm glad the anger is disappearing, but...a sister? Is this a normal, common thing, or is this some emotional protection mechanism? She's not too bashful about telling me that she doesn't trust me anymore - I was depressed for a long time and she doesn't want to get her hopes up. She also fears that I'm only staying with her out of duty or obligation, not because I love her. I have no idea what to say to that. Comments welcome.<P>Slightly Sane<BR><p>[This message has been edited by o2bsane (edited April 10, 2000).]

o2bsane,<P>"...she's starting to feel less angry with me, but that she's starting to feel "sisterly" toward me..."...<BR>is probably not a good sign.<P>She (with you) are moving from a conflict stage to a withdrawal stage...<BR>...and it seems it's withdrawal from you.<P>I don't know what Jennifer (Harley) would advise. I always am under the impression that they will say... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> until you just can't do it anymore. The alternative of a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> with a decent chance that she might not come back is always a high risk venture. A good <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... with a <I>smooth</I> transition to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> is what is usually advised.<P>Are you doing anything for your depression?<P>I'm praying for you... and your W. <P>Let us know how the Harley counseling worked out.<P> <P>Jim

Thanks for the reply, NSR.<P>My Plan A has been quite a bit more successful since my last counseling session, but I've not done a great job at it. I continue to improve and hope it will be enough. I'm trying very hard to meet her emotional needs, but she refuses to help me know what she wants. She says that if I don't know what they are already, it's not in me to meet them and if she has to ask me for something, it's not sincerely given.<P>As far as handling the depression: I was on meds for about 9 months and saw a counselor for quite some time. Unfortunately our first counselor was also taking care of my depression problem, and I think W didn't get the kind of support from the counselor that she wanted because depression was the focus of too many of our sessions.<P>Another interesting tidbit to throw into the mix is that she seems more willing now to say things that might be critical or painful for me to hear. I used to really have to pry to get anything from her, especially if she thought it would sadden me. Now it seems that she is being much more frank with me. I asked her why that was so, and she told me that she no longer fears the consequences. <P>Does anybody know of anything I can try to prevent us from sliding further into withdrawal?<P>Slightly Sane<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by o2bsane (edited April 10, 2000).]