Ok, here's the thing: I posted last week, and got some helpful responses. In a nutshell, my wife and I married out of necessity, she treated me great, I treated her not great. By the time I was coming around to start to appreciate her, 4 years later, she'd had it, and started up with another guy. They didn't have any sex, nor even take their clothes off. But there was some reasonably petting, yada, yada yada (see my other post if you are as obsessive about torturous details as I am , and she felt strong feelings for him. Now she's doing EVERYTHING right. She begs for me to give her another chance, fawns over me, and basically feels and acts like she feels, very, very bad.<BR>I still feel horrible about it, and I'm just wondering. . .Most of the people on here are women who have been cheated on by husbands (not all, but a definite majority). Also, most of those women have had their husbands do a hell of a lot more with the OW than my wife ever did. And yet I see their posts, and they seem to have their feelings so much more under control than I do. Is it just me? Does this indicate they love their mates more than I love mine? Or is there something in the male ego that prohibits forgiveness? I guess I kinda wish someone would just tell me to get over it. . .that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I don't know. Life sucks now, has for the last month, and I'm basically just rambling in search of a little commiseration Thanks for listening.

Oh also, just so everyone has all the pieces to my pathetic little puzzle. When I found out about the affair, I confronted the other guy about it, and told him in no uncertain terms that he was to stay away from my wife. Well, sure enough, a couple of days later, he emailed her. So, to make a long story short, it's 2 weeks later, and now I have 2 battery charges for beating the snot out of he and his roommate. I feel a little cro-magnum about the entire thing. I mean, I've never been violent, and lately, I just feel like slapping my wife around. I would never do it, at least I hope, but good grief, I've never been so furious in all my life. ARE THESE FEELINGS GOING TO PASS? I really would like a guy's opinion who's been in a similar boat. . .

Ok, while you wait for the guys to answer, here's one female POV!<P>It's no easier. Feelings of hurt, disillusion, violence (toward EVERYONE involved), obsessiveness, heck the whole gamut of emotions - we all get 'em!!!<P>Now, the big question is what do you DO with all that emotional energy???? Plan A. Doesn't mean just being nice to her and trying to fill her needs - that's a VERY small part of it!!! Search around here and find some of the discussions on Plan A..you'll see what I mean. It's for YOU, darlin', to help you cope with your emotions, experience that darned "personal growth" you'll hear some of us talk about, become a better and better person. No matter how wonderful you are, we could ALL stand some improvement, right?<P>And it DOES make things easier. Makes you feel better about yourself AND your wife. Check out the Plan A/Plan B board. Jim's list of Notable Posts on the Just Found Out board, reading lists recommended by our members. Don't set out to just try to forgive your wife, set out to help yourself - in a true Plan A.<P>Good luck. We're here if you need us. You CAN get past this. Doesn't matter exactly what happened (my H left us to LIVE with PT for months and we're recovering beautifully!), it hurts like He$$ and shakes your very core!!! But you can get through it, and come out better on the other side. I promise.<P>Lori

All right, Actus. I was trying to hold off until you got some posts from the male perspective, but I am running out of patience, and heaven knows I need that for my very wayward spouse. <P>Pardon me for shouting, BUT WHO IN THE HAIRY HECK SAID ANYTHING ABOUT FORGIVENESS???? Ah, I feel better.<P>I most assuredly have not forgiven the OW for squat. As for forgiving my H, well, he's forgiven on alternate Tuesdays. <P>Seriously, I didn't find this site until after I had calmed down enough to stop wanting to rip her face off and his head off and operate a search engine. You won't see any posts from me from that time. <P>I scared the cr@p out of my husband when I told him in vivid detail what I would do to his sweetheart if I caught her skulking about. I can't put the description here--we're talking NC-17, "Saving Private Ryan" gore. And the second night after D-day I got scared when my H handed me his gun and suggested I just put him out of my misery and it didn't seem such a bad idea. And I'm the type of person who buys humane mousetraps and sets the little beasties free instead of killing them.<P>The difference is that while I had all of these violent thoughts, I didn't act on them. Mens rea, no actus reus. I beat my fists on the floor until they were black and blue and screamed myself hoarse and took enough walks to nearly wear our poor dogs legs off (and with a greyhound, that's a lot of legs), but I never actually slugged the witch or capped my husband. I am not sure that I didn't hold off simply because I didn't want a visit to the local police department, but whatever the reason, I held off.<P>(This is not to say I did nothing to OW. I am ashamed to admit that I played some nasty head games with her [since she claimed to be my friend beforehand I knew her too well]. The woman-child is now scared sheepless of me. It was not the best or most noble thing to do, and she undoubtedly didn't deserve it, but I did it and I have to face it and move on.)<P>As for H, he has been at the receiving end of some pretty nasty stuff. He has seen me express emotions he didn't know I had and use words he didn't know I knew. Since coming to this site I have consciously tried to talk to him calmly, and, like your W, he has expressed genuine remorse and an apparent desire to mend his ways and repair our marriage, but I have not been all that calm around him.<P>Time does help. I haven't felt the desire to slug anyone for a few weeks (my D-day was January 9, 2000). And I come here and try to calmly think of advice or calmly ask for it. The bit above is the first time I've indulged myself in all caps. That's me--living on the edge. <P>I try to keep the ogre in check and look for the gentle person I used to be. I figure one of these days I'll be able to say that I'm more like that gentle person, though, like everyone else, I will never be able to go back to that time again.<P>I think you love your wife just as much as I love my husband. What she did was awful. You know it. She knows it. OM knows it. You can't change it. You have to decide what you want to do with the knowledge, let it destroy you or help it remake you.<P>Good luck, Actus. --HBC

Hi,<P>Just a few thoughts from a woman who cheated after a lot of years of "treating her husband great and him not treating me so great."<P>I sure was sorry and wanted to make it up to him and I am not making any excuses at all, I took my licks, all of them. I was sorry because I knew it was wrong and I did not want to hurt my family. He was mad, very mad .........but you know what??<P>It didn't help, it didn't make it any BETTER that he was mad. Oh, I suppose it made it better for HIM but it sure didn't make me regret my mistake any..... His anger only helped justify why I had looked to someone else. Oh, and go ahead and slap your wife around a little bit..........that will SURELY make her love you more and feel sorry about her affair. That will really make her see what a MAN you are and what a jerk the OM was.........

HI I am mercys H<BR> I can talk to and let you know what I went through.how old are you I am 30. I will get back to you in a bit.

This is mercy's husband <P>Okay, male perspective <P>I felt the very same thing that you felt. When I sat my kids down and say the look on their face when we told them MOm was leaving,I wanted to go give him a beating from H***! But in all reality it took both of them to do it. so I would not make anything just. And also, my wife did not want me to. And even though, what she done, I still honored her wishes. Then, on the other hand, I also thought that if I beat this man, it wouldn't be worth it.<BR>Because, I take care of a big ranch, and my employer's live in Hawaii. So if I spent a few days in jail, all the cows would go hungry and my kids wouldn't have anyone to take care of them while my wife was in "trauma".<P>I forgave my wife for what she done. I didn't throw her out for the kids sake. In a sense, mine too. I learned that when I gave my heart to the Lord, is that you have to forgive your wife and the OM so you yourself can come back to your senses and begin healing. But my love for my wife was greater than the anger I had for that OM. I never was really angry with my wife, I was just so hurt. In a sense I lost my mind. I realized at that time, a person just doesn't turn on love or turn off love with a switch. So I decided I was going to examine my heart and see how I pushed her out that door. And when I realized it wsan't what I did at this point and time, but what I did three years before then. All my verbal abuse, all not caring, all my not listening, basically being there zero. That also means my kids. And she couldn't take it.<P><BR> So I cannot just get mad at her, and I cannot just get mad at the other man. But I did get angry with myself. Three years before this happened, I made it a point what was important to her, was important to me. But it was too late. I tried to be a good man. In doing that, it means if you want your wife back, you better get her back. It seems to me, she wants you back. Take her back (and this is up to you) and work on this marriage together. And love her with all of the heart you have got and treat her as your friend, as a lover, and there is a time that you just need to be there for her. <P>This is more important to your wife than anything else. I realize marriage is being PARTNERS. It is each other's job to pick up the other one when they are down. And love them through it as you would want to be loved, in the same situation. I do not know everything about marriage, but I am willing to learn and grow everyday with my wife instead of apart from my wife. So what is your past can never be taken back or changed in anyway. The days ahead of you you can change them and make them better and use what you learned from your past.<P> I love my wife very much, and I always have, so I never thought of slapping the snot out of her. You do not hurt stuff you love. Anger is a hard issue to deal with. By making her pay for what she has done, she has already paid a big price herself. We do not need to hurt them anymore. Just help her out through this issue. And if it doesn't work out at least you helped her get on the right track and in the end it will make you fell better.<P>Forgiveness is tough from a man, because we are supposed to be MACHO <P>When I forgave I felt much better. And my MACHO was still here . <P>I hope this helps and if you have anymore questions jsut ask.<P>God Bless,<BR>Mercy's Husband.

Actus,<BR>I can't give you any good answer because my x never showed any signs of remorse.<P>The first time she and om broke up(he was cheating on her with his wife)she said all the right things about counseling, changing her job, moving, etc. But with in 5 hrs at work and exposed to om again she had changed her mind and I had misunderstood all she had said.<P>The next time her and om broke up(when his w gave him an ultimatium about taking my then w on a cruise), we tried dating and counseling but she never acted like she wanted to move back home. When she started seeing om again, I had had enough and pushed through the divorce she had started.<P>My feeling through all this were varied. I never really thought about om, and have only just have as I seem to be running into(figuratively at this point so far) on a regular basis(I found out today that she takes him to my barber and waits for him). I don't really hate him because it does take two, all she had to do was say no and I would have taken her back.<P>I did forgive her for the affair, however I have been unable to forgive her for the cruel things she said to/about me in counseling. I am still having problems dealing with her and the way she treats the kids too. I have a lot of resenment and bitterness/jealousy again for her lack of regard and responsibility for the kids(she went on cruise while I stayed home with our sick son, and last week when they were on vacation, she moved and spent limited time with them.<P>I do question how much love I had for her when I compare it to what others are doing to save their marriages, but I believe I have done what is best for me and my kids under these circumstances.<P>I don't know if your are a religious man or not, but I did find the Lord and that is really what helped me with forgiveness. Now I need Him to help me with my anger and bitterness.<P>God Bless,<P>Bob

According to Janis Abrahms author of "After the Affair" women usually tend to focus on the emotional aspects of their spouses infidelity while men tend to focus on the physical aspects of their spouses infidelity.

HI RWD, this is mercys H<BR> My w has gone through the same thing.<BR>I did not like the way she was with the kids. I really see that it comes with what they are doing. <P>When she said the mean things to you at counseling,it was how she really felt at that time and it is good that they can be honest with themselves and to you. What I did wiht the mean/honest lines, is I did look at myself and see if that was really the case. And if it wasn't I left it be even though it is hard to bite your tongue in situations like this. So with your anger and bitterness just turn that over to the Lord. And let Him deal with it. Bitterness and anger is everybit as deadly as no forgiveness. There is probably issues there that makes it hard to turn this over to God. Just focus on these issues so you can be free from this and Ithink you have doneall you can do for your wife. I believe it was the right decision. When the om fizzes out maybe she will want to come back. This is hard to hear but they like new toys. Then when they get old, they see it wasn't any different than the toy before.<P>God Bless you and good luck and take care of those kids. I will keep you in my prayers.<P>Mercy's Husband