Everyone: <P>For the first time since she left home, I asked W tonight if we could spend some time together. She asked why and I told because I missed her. She accepted by saying we could have lunch on Thursday in the park. It's not much but I figure is a good thing and a start. She has ben so wrapped up in the OM that I have not been able to get real close other than Church. She stills goes to Church with me and D...but the discussions are routine and not about us.<P>The question I have for all of you is stupid, but believe me I do not know the answer because I have not done this in 25 years. What do I say to her? I do not want to talk about D, the house, the car, work or those types of things. I want to say something meaningful that will make her think of me a little more and deposit some love in her Love Bank. She has been out of the house 6 weeks and the weeks before were not good because I did not know about MB or SAA. I know what needs to be done I just have not come up with a plan to make it work on Thursday. This is an extremely important first step and I don't want to blow it.<P>Please help!!!<P>J W

Hi, JW!<P>From one who's been there (and who's H would only see me if absolutely necessary - NEVER just to spend time together), I know how hard this is.<P>OK, here's what I had to do. Once Robert moved out and in with PT, we had very little communication. Not even on a weekly basis, heck, didn't know where he was for a long time!!! <P>I started sending letters to his mom's - knew she'd get them to him. NEVER talked about us, or marriage or ANYTHING serious. News from home, funny stories (took DAYS to compose some of them) and just ended with "I love you.". <P>If he HAD to come by for some reason, I smiled brightly, flirted a bit, chatted about stupid stuff and made sure he laughed and had fun. That's it. Stumbled in the dark and just went with it.<P>I know, I know, you SHOULD be able to be honest. You SHOULD be able to talk about your future, but in many cases, it's a lovebuster. Besides, I've learned that you're not saying anything they haven't already thought about, you're not helping them feel guilt - they do enough of that on their own!! When we say something, it feels like we're rubbing there faces in it.<P>He laughed when he was here - most of the time. We only started talking about the marriage and our relationship months later, when HE brought it up - that meant he was ready. <P>So, about the "date" - have fun. Be yourself - the yourself that she fell in love with. Pay attention to what's getting a good reaction and what's not. Hey, it sounds stupid and some may say "why pretend everything's fine when it's not?" No everything's NOT fine, but THEY know that! That's why they're not anxious to be around us - it reminds them. I found it easier to look at it as if I was making it easier and more comfortable for him so that he could release the stresses long enough to really SEE what life was about - what he loved and wanted. Many of our spouses are dealing with emotions and pain that we can't even BEGIN to comprehend. And our pain makes it harder still to see.<P>OK, I'll be quiet now - that's my only input for this. But, btw, if you look for me again, you'll find me on the recovery board. After 7 months away, Robert asked to come home. And THAT'S when we began to talk about us.<P>He's home, we're doing great (ok, a few minor bumps, but big deal - we're fixing them!) and we both have amazing hopes and dreams for the future. And tho' there's a lot to be done yet, SOME parts of our relationship (communication is a big one) are better than they have ever been!<P>Oh, and what to talk about? You know this woman, what's special to her? What does she enjoy, find funny, have a soft spot for (that doesn't have anything to do with being a wife and mom - we're girls, too, ya know?) THAT'S what you talk about!<P>Good luck - and have fun!<P>Lori<p>[This message has been edited by lostva (edited April 11, 2000).]

Hey, JW!<P>I'm glad she's going to lunch with you! That's super!<P>I agree with Lori, keep the sunshine on. Start practicing keeping a smile on your face if you don't already. Flirt! <P>Be sure to compliment something about her--her smile, her hair, her eyes, her wit, her intelligence--but don't pour it on. Just let her know you notice her.<P>I can't remember if you were able to find out any of her emotional needs. If so, pick an important one to her and address it. <P>Topics I would avoid: England. Marriage as a lifelong commitment. Her role as a mother. The affair in general, the fact that she's not at home in particular. Remember that OM is probably still "perfect" in her mind right now, so leave him out of the discussion.<P>Remember, too, JW, you're better than perfect: you're REAL! <P>All the best, JW! I'll be thinking of you on Thursday and looking for an update! --HBC

Don't plan so much. Just enjoy. Have fun. Joke. Have light conversation. Good food. Nothing deep and serious. You will make more points just being fun and easy to be around then anything else.

At first, while so much was awkward to talk about, thinking back to fun/silly things we did in college/first dating was good; brought back good memories and feelings. Once we both got so tickled we couldn't stop laughing...<BR>Good luck--<BR>Kathi

Lori, HBC, Viki, and Kathi<P>Thanks for the great posts. I’m glad I asked the question because I probably would have gone down the wrong road. This way I have a couple of days to put on the fun face and think of a couple of jokes along with some good conversation. My down fall in the marriage was that I did not share my thoughts well. I thought a small gift with a poem and a flower might be good also.<P>Thanks to all of you...I appreciate it very much..<P>Love and prayers to all.<BR>