Hi Freinds,<P>I said I'd ask for help prayers when needed... well...<P>Tomorrow(Tuesday)... I go to my Early Settlement Panel(ESP) at our county courthouse. This is the one my W missed back in February and then got fined $250.00. There are no court rulings expected. All the ESP attempts to do is seek a mediated agreement between divorcing parties, by having attorney's present likely alternatives that a judge would consider. There is a judge present if the parties agree so they can be divorced the same day!<P><B>I don't want this divorce</B>!<P>I am still torn... between two options (a) and (b)...<BR>(a). <B>asking for "everything"</B> (child support, no alimony, keep my pension/401k/etc.) in an attempt to<BR>1. have her disagree so she won't settle... just to push back the divorce by having a "trial date" set. It probably wouldn't be necessary for me to do this... since we have not agreed on almost anything since she moved out 7.5 months ago to live with OM. We can't even agree on simple things like visitation. And...<BR>2. bringing her sense of reality to a new "low"... (especially financially) with her life with the OM. I do believe he would leave her if her debt/expenses keep on climbing. For those who were following... Yes... she stills owes her son (my stepson) about $25,000-$30,000 in back SS benefits that are unaccounted for. We always talk about the affairs as an addiction... and like other addictions... the addict may need to hit rock bottom.<BR>3. accept... Yes... this would be a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>.<BR>...and...<BR>(b). <B>being very giving</B>... split the equity in the house, divide the pension/401K/etc.<BR>1. Risks enabling the "fantasy" world to continue...<BR>2. It means more work for me to give the kids the kind of life they had, and provide for their education... <BR>3. This just to avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A>.<P>God will help me decide when I step into the courtroom tomorrow. I'll be spending much of tonight in pray on it.<P>It will be one year to the day that my W came back from the 4-day "vacation" with the OM... which she took the day after D-day!!! <BR>These were the 4 worst... agony filled... days of my life.<P>I will be asking all of you for your well wishes and prayers...<BR>The day will also mark the feast day of <A HREF="http://www.catholic-forum.com/saints/saintm24.htm" TARGET=_blank>Marguerite d'Youville</A>... one of the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011976.html" TARGET=_blank>Patron Saints of Adultery victims/unfaithfulness</A>. I look to <B>all</B> for support...and ask for everyone's kind thoughts.<P>I'll raise my prayers up... with prayers <B>for</B> all of you...<BR>...my good friends. <BR>I will light 5 candles tonight... one for each of you...<BR>one for you... who Just found out...<BR>one for you... in your Plan A and B's...<BR>one for you... In recovery...<BR>one foryou... who are divorcing/divorced...<BR>...<BR>one you... who are not even aware of the pain of affairs to come...<P> <P>God bless you all.<P>Jim / <B>N</B>ew <B>S</B>un <B>R</B>ising<BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

Hey, Jim. You know you are in my prayers - all the time, but especially for this big day. No advice, though. Follow your instincts.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jim}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori

Jim you are in my prayers. I always pray to give us ll the strength to deal with everything. I will also pray for you to have the knowledge to do what you need to do. <BR>One comment would it really be a love buster to make a person face reality or would it be a lovebuster to keep them in the fantasy land? Think about the long term lovebusting not the short term. Sometimes we have to do what is best in the long term rather then the short term. Just something for you to think about.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>We do need a praying icon. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Jim-<P>As always, you post words of kindness and support. Your options are unique and varied.<P>A question for you. Will you not have to eventually face the "Legal" issues you outline as options in Plan "B" if you agree to nothing at the next ESP?<P>The issues of dividing up the equity in the house, 401k and the like seem to me to be issues that your state district court will eventually have to see and decide no matter what plan you choose to take. Since most legal proceeding to end a marriage always deal with five issues and include...<BR> Division of Marital Property<BR> (Including Retirement Accounts)<BR> Division of Marital Debt<BR> Child Support<BR> Maintenance<BR> Child Custody<P>If the divorce proceeding continue, it will be just a matter of time before you have to address the issues I've listed above. Correct?<P>So, the question is will Plan A provide for the kind of atmosphere that you are seeking to have your wife re-consider where she is at in the process and hopefully slow it down?<P>Best to you...<P>mrrlk<P>

Jim,<P>I will be remembering you in prayer now and tonight. You are such a dear a wonderful man who is so good at helping all who are here. I will be lighting a candle too for you! Just you.<P>Now off the prayer part of this. I can only tell you what I would do. So, here goes.<P>I would do what ever I had to do to stall the divorce and to give her the biggest part of reality I can. Especially if it may make the OM just up and leave her.<P>Remember my friend that sometimes it is kinder to be cruel. This may seem cruel or against your nature but, as I said I know that is what I would do.<P>With that said I will close this off and know that you will do what you ultimately have to do. You will do what you can live with. My thoughts will also be with you tomorrow as well as my prayers.<P>Hugs,<BR>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited April 10, 2000).]

Jim<P>I'm sure God will give you the right answer. I will be saying some extra prayers on your behalf tonight and tomorrow morning. I hope things go well for you tomorrow.<P>As for advise I'm probably one of the last that you would ask, but I talked to Dr. Harley on his radio show today and one of the first things he said to me was to give it two years....an eternity. Right now, today, I'm prepared to do that. I don't know where I will be in a week a month or a year.<P>I do know from what he told me was that 95% of affairs die. Some take longer than others...but most die. I would do what ever it took to prolong the divorce.<P>I don't know if this helps...I hope it does. <P>My prayers are with you and your family.<P>J W

Hi Jim,<P>I've had problems with my computer, so have been off for about a week.<P>I'm so sorry about all this. It is just not fair. However, I firmly believe what SDS said, that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.<BR>If her financial position is so important to OM, that goes to show that what we all think about him is true. Maybe she will see that also, when you make her face reality.<BR>She needs to hit rock bottom, face what she has done, and make some decisions. What those decisions may be, only she knows, however, you need to protect you and your children.<P>I will be thinking of you all today, it's Tues here now. I'll say a prayer for you, and follow up tonight.<P>Hold on Jim, we're all here for you. You will get through this, and will look back in years to come and say<BR>"oh, that's why that happened to me.."<P>I firmly believe all of this will be made clear to us at some stage.<P>love and hugs to you<P>Jo

Jim<P>I just received this poem and I thought you could use it.<P> I ASKED GOD TO BLESS YOU<P> I asked the Lord to bless you<BR> As I prayed for you today<BR> To guide you and protect you<BR> As you go along your way....<BR> His love is always with you<BR> His promises are true,<BR> And when we give Him all our cares<BR> You know He will see us through<BR> So when the road you're traveling on<BR> Seems difficult at best<BR> Just remember I'm here praying<BR> And God will do the rest.<P>J W

mrrlk,<P>Yes... 'I will eventually have to face the "Legal" issues you outline as options in Plan "B" if (I) agree to nothing at the next ESP?'...they are inescapable if the divorce is to continue.<P>The question of "kind of atmosphere" I need "to have (my) wife re-consider where she is at in the process and hopefully slow (the divorce) down"... is what I am looking for!<P>I wish I could say that the MB <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> would work...<BR>...it has done nothing for 7+ months to curb her anger toward me. When I had a consultation with Steve Harley... he said continue until with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> at least until the trial date... even to discuss with the judge to postpone the date of the trial (he did realize that that might introduce even more problems/anger from my W.)<P>It is a difficult situation I find myself in...<BR>There was a line a post I made a short while back... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>When you are faced with a decision, make that decision as wisely as possible then forget it.<P>The moment of absolute certainty never arrives.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <BR>See <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001807.html" TARGET=_blank>Friends... Live Each Day to the Fullest</A>.<P>I'll make it...<BR>...everyone's words of encouragement will help!<P> <P>Jim

Jim,<P>You will be in my prayers, and I know you will do what is right for you and your family.<P>TimJ

Hi Jim,<P>I don't get on the board much anymore, but I was lurking and came across your post.<P>You, my dear, strong, patient friend, are always in my prayers. Your W is too!! <P>God WILL give you the direction you need to go tomorrow and forever. He hates divorce more than any of us do.<P>My $.02! I wouldn't budge a bit. Even if asking for it all is a LB, I say take your chance. You may have to deal with these issues later, but then again, you may not.<P>We don't know what great plans God has in store for us, Jim, but we don know that He does have great plans for us.<P>You are one of the most caring, compassionate people I have ever had the privledge to call 'friend'. You have quite a gift.<P>Prayers to you and your family.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl<P>BTW, what time is the hearing? I will take a moment for you then!

Hey Jim,<P>Prayers coming your way.<P>I would tell your lawyer that you are not going to bend on certain comprimises.[The ones that you know she would certainly seek] Let him do all the talking and look like the bad guy. You get the easy part of just sitting there looking bewildered. <P>If you don't want the D and really believe that time is on your side. Drag your feet until your shoes burn off and you have to put your toes out with a fire extinguisher.<P>But that's only me.<P>I have a meeting with Val on Friday. She is still very confused and doesn't know what to do. If she wants to sign the papers, so be it. Mine are still in my closet and will not see the light of day. Automatic two year wait/delay here in PA. Is this a cool state or what?<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Tim

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 08:38 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

<B>Lori</B>...<BR>"instincts"... if you pray on them... are the best kind of adice. <P><B>di</B>...<BR>You know that I'm in this for the <B>very</B> long term...<BR>...following Chris' footsteps...<BR>ohhhhhh those hugs... <P><B>mrrlk</B>...<BR>Thank you again... <BR>...your thoughts... are more than provoking...<BR>...and your intent has not been lost... <P><B>Samantha</B>...<BR>Blessed are you... for the light shall guide the way... <BR>You too... have expressed the same thoughts as <B>everyone</B> else.<P><B>J W</B>...<BR>I do see myself in the 2+ year club...<BR>...Steve read me... he understood my patience... <P><B>Jo</B>...<BR>I hold on... to everyone here...<BR>...clarity <B>will</B> come in time... <BR>...for you too... Jo!<P><B>J W</B>...<BR>A beautiful prayer... <P><B>TimJ</B>...<BR>Family is <B>first</B>! <P><B>Cheryl</B>...<BR>Oh... how I missed your posts/replies...<BR>I too have a 'gift' in you... <BR>your advice... is backed by all!<P><B>Tim</B>...<BR>Great advice... NJ just isn't as good a state as far as the laws...<BR>Hang in there too... don't let controversial posts get to you...<BR>A good man stares controversy in the face... and grows in it's underlying wisdom... [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]<BR>And... you are such a good man! I just can't believe Val is willing to give you up...<P><B>hanora</B>...<BR>...an exception can become a habit... when practiced with a smile. [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]<BR>Your thoughts are in my earlier post... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001807.html" TARGET=_blank>Live Each Day to the Fullest</A>... thinking alike are we?<P><B>Everyone</B>...<BR>yep... the hearing is at 9:00 AM EDT.<BR>...you bring so much to raising my spirits!!!<P>I look upon the 5 candles I lit tonight...<BR>I put them on a plate... open... and separate...and they have now all flowed together into a single pool of gold...<BR>...that's what all of you on the different forums are to me...<BR>...a pool of golden friends. [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]<P>Jim

Jim,<BR> Now I know what NSR stands for.You've been like a rock on this board,always helping out the new people that show up here,in pain and bewildered.You've put forth a lot of effort into this forum,always ready to give advice,when you wish you never had to come here in the first place(don't we all).<BR> I know you're in a real tough spot in your life right now,and you're fighting to keep your marriage.But we have no control over other people,if that is their ultimate decision.But even if you do get a divorce,you can always say that YOU wanted to keep your marriage,and tried everything in your power to avoid a divorce.Nobody can take that away from you.<BR> My prayers are with you tomorrow,Jim.No matter which way it goes,you'll always know you did your best.Take care. --Murph

Here's someone else who will be adding her prayers for you at 9 AM...<P>This is for you..."The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly." Psalm 84:11.<P>He will give you the wisdom and the grace -- for you truly have been faithful.<P>

My prayers are with you tonight and in the morning. I would like to think that God answers all our prayers "yes", but that is not always the case. Whatever the answer is, remember that God LOVES you! "For I KNOW the plans I have for you,says the LORD, plans for welfare, not for calamity, to give you a Future and a HOPE." (Jeremiah 29:11) Hang in there! We will be with you in spirit in the morning.

Jim, <BR>You have always been there for me, now my turn...I will be praying for you and thinking about you during this very difficult time........you are a wonderful man with a lot to offer any woman..it is just too bad the addiction has such a hold on your wife.....because I know you would give it all to her....<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Jim,<P>I'm praying for you tonite as well, praying for the best outcome for you and your family what ever the Lord's plans are !<P>Its funny, I was just wondering tonite what NSR stood for.<P>God's Blessings<P>Bob<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

JIm ,<BR>Just got on the computer and read your post.Such an important decision for you,I will not offer any advice,Iam praying for you, and hope that God will guide you in your decision. bethn