I talked to Dr. Willard Harley on the radio show Monday about telling my W ‘s best friends, our D, parents, and family the truth about the affair. She has not told anyone to my knowledge and has asked me not to tell anyone. <P>Some may remember a couple of days ago my thread asking whether these people should be told to help put pressure on her. Right now she is in the best of both world living out of the house avoiding one on one contact with me. She in effect has absolved herself of marriage vows, religious and morality beliefs etc. I.E no guilt if I am out of the picture.<P>Most that responded said that it was not a good idea with one or two suggesting I talk to him on the radio show.<P>I was surprised for him to tell me that I should tell everyone. That he believed in total honesty. I suggest that would be a major LB and he said not to the degree I thought because her guilt would outweigh the LB. I told him I did not think it was good idea and he suggested a deal. He suggest that I tell her that I would not tell anyone if she agreed to spend 15 hours a week of quality time with me. If she did not I should tell everyone.<P><BR>I don’t know!!! Seems like a pretty good risk now especially in light of the fact that she is meeting me for lunch only because I told her I missed her and wanted to spend some time with her for the first time on Thursday.<P><BR>I don’t know!!!!<P>J W

I say, go for it. You know I told everyone in H's family about the affair. Actually, they helped me figure it out because of his bizaar behavior following a trip overseas with her for work.\<P>He denies it to them but they know better and he actually avoided them for a while and acted like he was never close to them.<P>I think the guilt helped the fantasy come crashing down, but is also making it more difficult for him to come home. He is an incredible conflict avoider. <P>I think you can do it in a very non-threatening way. Just say it matter of factly and admit to them Your part.....<P>Everyone in our town knows also, or at least thinks they know because H and OP work so closely together and are seen going to lunch all the time. It is so commonplace...and my H has always been very conservative...People have been really put off by his leaving such small children. <P>I know that has affected him also....<P>It was difficult for me to NOT talk, because I seem to wear my emotions on my sleeves. I was so blindsided by his behavior, before I even had an inkling of what was going on....<P><BR>I had trusted and loved him so implicitly...<P>I still am having a hard time believing that all of this pain I am feeling has come from him...

J W,<P>I didn't respond to your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002217.html" TARGET=_blank>Should other people no about the affair...help please?</A> post...<BR>...but I too would have originally said don't tell...<P>Without knowing your whole story it is always a hard call...<BR>...I think maybe I would talk to Steve first... and wait for that appointment. Steve will find out much more information about your situation... and then make his recommendations from that. A quick telephone call doesn't give Dr. W. Harley the full picture of your story.<P>I been occasionally surprised by even Dr. Steve Harley's suggestions...<BR>...being a quicker movement from <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> he asked people to move...<P>...but I'd go along with their hunches!<P>I too will be making an appointment soon...<BR>...now that I have a trial date for my divorce.<P>I prayer for you... <P>Jim

It's your call...I don't know how I feel. Robert's family knew - his mom asked me outright and he took PT to family functions. They were, without a doubt (after a while, though, not at first) a huge help in our getting back together.<P>But, except for my brother and one or two very close friends, I didn't tell ANYONE, not even my mom. And now, months later, I'm glad. He's home and some of these people would NEVER forgiven him. It made it easier for him to come home when no one really knew what had happened. Why should I worry if it's easier? He's been through a lot. And once the "fantasy" wore off, the suffering for him was almost overwhelming! I'm glad he didn't have the added burden of other people's judgements.<P>Lori

J Willy Goodmorning<BR>Much the same question I posted in thread "Should Beetrayers Parents Know the Truth" (sorry I don't know how to create a link).<P>I understand that MB tenants of truthfulness extends to being honest to parents about the betrayed spouse. I believe the betrayer owes that honesty to the betrayed.<P>I have elected not to tell anyone else about the sorrid details and I'm glad I haven't. Now that we're back together it would have been a major LB having washed our dirty laundry in public in the past.

WOW! I am surprised that you were given that advice from Harley. It sounds alittle to much like a threat! "If you don't spend 15 hours a week with me then I won't tell". I'm sure that those aren't the words that you were told to use, but I think that is what wife will hear. I DO think that you should tell due to the honesty factor, but I don't think that ultimatum should be a part of it.

After withdrawal and renewed contact with the OW, and my wife asking me to leave, I knew the word would be out. I feared and loathed it. My parents are deceased and would've been very disappointed. My mother-in-law is probably in shock and angry with me, as are all of my W's family. They have rallied around her big-time. This guilt has also help direct me to right decision of no OW contact. Hopefully, if I can return home by proving to my W that I'm no longer the liar and monster I turned into, and maybe my W's family will forgive and forget. I know that will not be easy, but I'm not concerned about them, only my W.

I like the bargain idea...I did not tell bcs I felt H was working on marriage with me, and that we'd end up OK (and didn't want to have everyone's baggage of opinions, etc hanging over our relationship). But, if he had not been working on it, I think I would have felt differently. This way, you greatly "encouarge" her to work on it with you...

I told. Yeah, he was downright ticked off at me. I had to do it for the right reasons though. At first it was retribution. I knew the guilt he felt from them knowing would hurt. <BR>Then it became concern. He was becoming increasingly depressed, would not seek out help and I was afraid he would take a much more drastic exit than leaving our marriage. I felt they had a right to know exactly what the cause was to help their son. I also knew that they loved him dearly and would do what they could to keep him safe. The disappointment they felt about his behavior would be far outweighed by the concern over his future decisions.<P>I think it did pop the fantasy bubble to some degree. He had to be held accountable for his decision. It was real easy for him to seperate himself from the pain he was causing me, but much different when his mom and dad got involved. They continue to be a source of support for both of us. As an added bonus I got closer to them as well which I think will help our relationship out in the long run. It's very important to him that I be involved with his family.<P>He was ticked though. I had to do some serious fast talking to keep him from walking out the door. I'd say if your spouses family have always been the type to rally around tough times then tell them. It will be a blessing. If their relationship is already pretty rocky then telling may not be as good of an idea.

I did tell my family & H's family. If I was going to leave my H, I wanted them to know (from my own mouth), the real reason why.<P>At first, I was afraid to tell, but realized that I made the right decision. The families have been very supportive through all of this.<P>Because of the family's knowledge of what I told them, my H's fantasy, deceit, affair soon came to an end. It helped burst that fantasy bubble.<BR>

Thanks to all who replied!!!<P>As you can see it seems to be kind of a split decision. It has more to do with the situation and the people involved. I do not believe this to be something that can be applied to any situation and I think that I can not apply in my own at this time. I may have a little movement since she is meeting me for lunch tomorrow. Meeting me because I said I missed her and wanted to spend more time together.<P>That may be a card I play later, but right now I think I will save it.<P>Thanks once again to all.<P>Love and prayers to everyone and if there are others who want to comment, by all means do so.<P>J W