Anyone:<P>My story is not much different than most. History: Sorry Long.<P>Been married 28 years. Husband turning 50 this Sept. Going through major mid-life crisis. Said he had not been happy for many years. Only stayed to raise children. Now that's done he needs to figure out how he wants to live the rest of his life. Wanted to leave and travel the world to learn. Also admitted to having affair for 7 months. Started drinking and partying heavily. It's as if he had reverted back to college days.<P>Oct.5, 1999 Day of Discovery! Said he loved OW did not want to work on marriage. Two weeks later decided he did want to work on marriage. Been in counseling since Oct. Nov.30 asked him to leave, he could not stop seeing OW. Gone for 8 wks, continued Plan Aing and counseling together during that period. Jan.24 Said he broke it off w/OW and he really wanted to try. Let him come home without apology or remorse. I felt we would have better chance to work on marriage living together. Did major Plan Aing. It was going slow at first, by 6th wk seemed to be old self. Having fun, great sex, making future plans etc. Had called OW only once in first wk after coming home. Even though he knew how much it ment to me, he still would not write OW final letter. Major LB. I let go of letter, back to Plan A. Next two wks got even better. Took 4 day trip. He finally broke down and offered sincere apology, showed remorse, said wanted to make it up to me. I was on top of world. Got back on Mon. he called OW Tues. morning. I suspected he had when I walked in on him and he hung up the phone quickly. Wanting not to LB I did not accuse. Told myself if he had I would find out sooner or later. Thursday evening we went out to dinner. Had both cars. When ready to go home, he told me to go on that he had left file at office. Needed to go back to get it. Something told me he was going to see her. Sure enough, same night he started with same old BS. Needed to live his life differently, could not let himself get "Sucked Back In". Told me he knows now it's not about OW or me, it's about him. He needs to find out who he is and how he wants to live his life. Told him could not believe he was willing to hurt me and family all over again. We both agreed he should leave. Left on Mar 30 after 9 wks of really good progress. I think he got scared that it was working.<P>Throughout all this he has been having reaally bizare episodes. In Oct told me he is a Warrior of God and he will die in the face of evil(OW is Prayer Warrior)and he needed to travel around the world to learn. November told me he would always be a part of my life, but not in the conventional way. He would be traveling the world, but whenever I needed him, he would be as close as the phone. He would want to come home for the birth of our grandchildren and holidays etc. Like I'm just going to sit home and wait for him to pop in whenever it is convenient for him! Next couple months he and OW got into meditation and spiritual expolration. Counselor is into meditation and holistic healing and fed into this by giving him books to read "The Peaceful Warrior" and other books on Indian spirituality etc. He has become obsessed with his 1/16th Indian heritage. Said he wanted to go out into the world and seek out Shamins (Indian medicine men, prophet?) to learn. Also said God has put him on a mission to save planet Earth. Just one week before, he was ridding wave runner and boating, next week they are polluting machines and he did not want anything else to do with them. Once thought he was telepathically communicating with members in a band on stage at a concert. (During every episode he was drinking alcohol or smoking P). I expressed great concern for his mental health several times to our counselor. Finally at my insistance, he pursuaded him he might want to get evaluated by a psychiatrist. He went, diagnosis was depression with bi-polar tendencies. Recommended he take anti-depressants. All along I have tried to get him to take them to better handle the situation. He's maintained he wants to "Feel The Pain". Our counselor endorsed his decision since he is into holistic healing. That was the final straw with our counselor. I met with him two days ago and expressed my concern for the direction my husband was going and with his encouragement. I had told counselor since beginning, I felt H was depressed and needed medication. He's suffered from depression severl times during our marriage. I started anti-epression medicine immediately after discovery and it really helped. Counselor still maintains he is not depressed, just self-entered, narcissustic and needs to grow up. Says I am co-dependent and have always done "it" for him. Told counselor he is the only one with influence over H and if anything happens to H I would hold him personally responsible. Counselor finally agreed that it would not hurt and he would try to get H to take medicine, only to please me. <P>I'm at the end of knowing what to do. I will not go back to our counselor, I think he is dangerous. Sure H will continue going, cause he tells him what he wants to hear. All along I have tried to get husband to counsel w/ Steve and he has refused. Fianlly during our last confrontation he admitted the reason he would not do th MB work was because he felt it would probably work! I think I have to Plan B. Although I still feel it could work, it seems hopeless. H now thinks I'm the enemy. We are farther apart emotionally than ever. He is way out there.<P>Where do I go from here? Do I Plan B. Counselor says H can not make it w/o me. When he figures out I'm not there, he will crash hard and I should not pick up the pieces. Feels he needs to grow up and learn to do it on his own to regain his self-esteem. Otherwise he will continue to accuse me of being controlling and resent and blame me for his unhappiness. HELP PLEASE ANYONE!<P>

Wow...<BR>{{{{{{{{{{Hurtin in Tx}}}}}}}}}},<P>I feel for you...<P>Personally... if you've done the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... in a good way...<P>...it may be time for <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>.<P>I'd always consider talkig to Steve H. first on a major decision like that...<BR>...but it sound like the way to go.<P>The affair is an obvious addicction...<BR>...but there are clearly other mental health issues as well. <P>Check out my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A> post...<BR>Draft a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> letter...<BR>Have the folks here on the forum make their comments (constructively)...<BR>Give Steve H. a call...<BR><B>AND</B>...<BR>come back here for all the support you need! <P> <P>Jim<BR>

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 08:35 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Hi Hurtin,<P>I can really relate to you. My H began on this path of destruction as his 55th birthday was rapidly closing in. Plus he was ending a 26 year career. Like yours, I always felt that my H was suffering from some type of mental problem. He too was incredibly irrational, impulsive, and suffered from delusions, although not nearly as severe as your H. My H is also became very dependant on me, and ended up suffering a self esteem problem because of it.<P>You can't force him to get help, unfortunately. I was told by our doctor that sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they will acknowledge there is a problem. I was able to get my H to have a complete physical, including bloodwork. I made the appointment for him & told him where he needed to be and when. (Of course, everyone's different so this may or may not work in your situation. Although, if he's like most men, he won't make the doctor appointment on his own!) There are certain medical problems whose symptoms mimic mental illness. So, those should first be ruled out. If he has a substance abuse problem, then that will have to be addressed before your marriage has any chance for recovery. I also had a long chat with the doctor and told him everything that was going on, so he knew H's history before he even saw him. This doctor became my ally and was exceedingly more helpful than any of the counselors we saw.<P>I took the approach of simply being concerned about his welfare, and happiness. I think that's why he was so cooperative. Deep down he knew there was something wrong, but he was too scared to admit it to himself. The fling with OW was a way of escaping his deepest fears. He was trying to run away.<P>My H is currently being treated by a neurologist. He will be having an MRA (test to measure bloodflow through the arteries to the brain) next week. There is a chance that he's had a stroke.<P>You know this man probably better than anyone (including himself). Go with your gut instinct. If you truly feel he has a problem, than keep trying to get him some help.<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you.