Hi Friends,<P>Your prayers were so remarkable... and in advance... thank you! <BR>Your response to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002279.html" TARGET=_blank>Asking for your thoughts... Tuesday</A> was overwhelming... <P>The Early Settlement Panel(ESP) review is over...<P>My W showed up this time...<P>The lawyers presented our cases to the panel of other attorneys...<BR>...and the recommendations came back...<P>1. divide the 401K(pretty sizable amount) 50/50... which means she probably won't contribute to the kids post-High School education... and will definitely enable the "fantasy".<BR>The lawyers say that it is unlikely that any judge would rule differently than this split... <BR>My attorney says... if/when the kids get beyond High School... I'd have to go back to court and fight for her to contribute toward college... but most likely the money would/could be gone by then... <P>2. Pension is split 50/50... and there is no chance the court will rule any other way!<BR>So says every attorney I spoken to... before this ESP and at the ESP.<P>3. trade off "alimony" with "child support"...<BR>In NJ... if your married >10 years... permanent alimony can be requested!<BR>The amount of alimony(as long as she doesn't re-marry) could be high... 4-5 times what my W would pay in child support... with my attorney saying 40-60 chance of court granting alimony...<BR>Why would she marry the OM... when she can get an amount almost equal to her current salary now?!<BR>They could just live in their fantasy world... and rake in the bucks... <P>4. taxes... our decision... we could file jointly and get another $2K back... and split it...<BR>...she was cool on the idea... <P>5. House equity split 50/50... I can live with this... I guess <P>6. "visitation"... we'll be forced to go to a mediator... (I'm flexible)<P>7. minor issues...& SS benefits to my stepson... weren't addressed.<P><B>I still DON'T want this divorce</B>! <P>I was still torn in deciding whether to settle...<BR>But since she would not agree to putting money away for the kids education...<BR>I said <B><I>No Settlement</I></B>!<P>The security of my kids education is important to me...<BR>Next to giving them <B>moral guidance</B>... and <B>faith values</B>...<BR>...it's their education that will determine their earthly destiny.<BR>Neither I, nor my W, got to go the colleges we wanted to... because of the financial situation our parents were in... both sets of parents came over in 1956 virtually penniless!<BR>All I ask her is to give our kids a chance at what they want in life... instead of having to settle.<P><B>I still DON'T want this divorce</B>! [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img]<BR>But unlike other states... (Tim you are lucky in PA)... in NJ... if one party wants a divorce... <B>they get it</B>... no matter what the other party says. [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img]<P>The next big date is Monday June 5th... The first trial date. One day after our 12th anniversary. [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img]<BR>The settlement may have to come before that... [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img]<P>My attorney senses my W's desire to settle... so she can marry the OM ASAP...<BR>He sees that my Plan A just hasn't been getting the desired results too... [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img]<BR>The OM and his W are to be divorced in June/July... [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img]<BR>It's time for an appointment with Steve again...<P>How do you stop a divorce freight train?...<BR>It looks so inevitable...<P>I guess God is preparing me for this...<BR>...I know that any number of weeks is never enough time for me...<BR>...but I'll keep on praying... for acceptance of His will... [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]<P>You are all so patient reading this long post...<P>...ohhhh... get out of here ( [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] )... you all have troubles of your own... ( [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] )<BR>...and<BR>...I'll listen... as I have so far... to <I>your</I> troubles too... [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]<P>God, Father above...<BR>...thank you for my friends here... they are Your children in pain...<BR>...take care of them... and their families...<BR>...let them all accept Your will... and build lives pleasing to You!<P> [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]<P>God bless you all.<P>Jim / <B>N</B>ew <B>S</B>un <B>R</B>ising<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited April 11, 2000).]

{{{{JIM}}}}<P>I'm sorry! <P>Hang in there.<P>TB

(((((((((NSR))))))))<P>My heart aches for you! I feel the pain in your words and am praying for you.<P>Good luck...<BR>

Jim:<P>I know how much you have not wanted this divorce. Me too. Even knowing that stbx desires and wants to marry Mia and has no feelings (except as his kid's mom) for me, I still have days I want him back. Oh well.<P>I feel for you Jim. You're in my thoughts,<P>TL

I'm sorry Jim....<P>You and me are tied to those tracks just watching the train....and not a thing that we can do (except be "us"!!)<P>But, hey - at least we can keep each other company!!! <P>God is with us.....<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<BR>

Jim,<BR>I know you dont want a divorce.You<BR> have been so patient and strong.I pray that your wife will wake up from her fog, and see the wonderful person that you are.We are praying for you, and we are here for you.bethn

Jim,<P>Sorry things didn't turn out as you and we all prayed for.<P>Unfortunetly, all the divorce is about is the equitable division of assets. <P>I too tried to get verbage added to have x fund some type of plan for kids schooling. My lawyer said I could but it would be useless as her lawyer would never allow her to agree to that. Supposedly thats what part of the child support is for.<P>I guess your w doesn't work since she is looking for alimony and it sounds like she would pay you minimal child support. <P>See what you can negotiate with her between, alimony, child support, pension, and the house. Maybe she will be desperate/guilty enough to go for some offer.<P>Hang in there and God Bless,<P>Bob

Jim,<BR>I know you dont want a divorce.You<BR> have been so patient and strong.I pray that your wife will wake up from her fog, and see the wonderful person that you are.We are praying for you, and we are here for you.bethn

Jim<P>Prayers and Hugs to you!!<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Jim,<P>I'm keeping you in my prayers. God bless you and your family...

Jim-<P>The ESP is over and I'm sorry that the outcome is not more in line with your hopes.<P>You are an unselfish person thinking of your children, their future and that they deserve the right to attend college to further their education. It is sad that your wife does not see her part of that responsibility to jointly fund.<P>Self Care today is important for you! I hope you can take a step back and do something special for Jim...TODAY! I wish there was a way I could double click on several items at Amazon.com and send them your way to enjoy.<P>Smell the roses today and make some key time for Jim. I hope you are going to sip that double Mocha while you read a few pages from that new book you browsed thru at the bookstore.<P>Remember...Self Care is important!<P>mrrlk<P>p.s. - how are things on the job situation?<BR>

{{{Jim}}}<P>I'm sorry things seem to be going this way. Hang in there. --HBC

NSR,<BR> There is something really wrong in this world when a spouse can abandon their partner and/or children and still get 50% of the house, pension, and 401k...and alimony to boot!!! My personal feeling is if they will not go to counseling and try to work on the marriage, they should get nothing but their personal property. Let the om/ow pay for everything...that would be reality...just venting! Prayers to you Jim.<P>Arrow<P>

Jim,<P>I like the new meaning of NSR.<P>OK, so this is a battle that wasn't meant to be. I know you must be very disappointed, especially as your actions seem to be driven with the best interests of the children in mind, and surely I can not say the same for your W's actions.<P>Be that as it may, this is the hand you have been dealt. I am sorry the mediation board took some of the stances it did. I have seen too many friends who counted on the X's later to provide college money for the children and it never materialized. Likewise, I think the oldest boy's SS money is gone and will never be seen again. Sad all around.<P>Your attitude is still good, Juim. the divorce train is rolling full steam ahead, and you have suffered some setbacks here, yet, again, your attitude is so good.<P>I think when all is said and done, we can look back and feel that we have our integrity and priorities intact, no matter how the other aspects of this play out. You are probably going to end up divorced against your wishes. Yet, you have not lost the race. You are a <B>true winner</B> in the game of life, Jim!!!!<P>Fondly, Desiree<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

I am thinking of you. I am truly in agreement with arrow's thoughts on society. I am also in amazement at how much hurt one human being can pass on to other human beings. I truly hope and pray that I am never the one inflicting this much pain on to anyone!!!!!!! Prayers to you and your family. <P>You are truly an inspiration to us all on this forum with your strength and faith. Many days I just look for your posts to see that strenghth and faith!!!!!!

You don't deserve any of this, Jim. Yet, you are taking it like a true gentleman. None of us can control our spouses actions, as your situation so poignantly demonstrates.<P>All we can do is try our very best which you have done so graciously and consistently. Sometimes, we just have to accept the path that God has chosen for us. He knows better than us what it is we really need.<P>You will survive this. And, you will come out on the other side a much stonger person for suffering through this.<P>Just remember to keep the faith. I always try to think of setbacks in this way: We can't have any UPS without having the DOWNS. So, this is simply preparing you for the good that awaits you. Take Care. As always, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Your support and patience on this board has been so inspirational. I am so sorry for you right now, but you are VERY STRONG. I will add my prayers for you to have a VERY HAPPY life in the future - no matter how things turn out. God has something very special in mind for you. God Bless

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jim}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori

Jim,<P>I am so sorry to hear of how things have been going with W and the settlement. It is so sad that the fog even clouds their judgement in regards to the kids. I will keep you and yours in my prayers.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JIM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

NSR..<P>Please e-mail me the name of your lawyer. H is having an EA and won't give it up. I've Plan A'd for 1 1/2 mths. - we have been together for 16yrs (married 8 in Aug). Need a good Attorney in NJ.<BR>Completely secure e-mail site<P>JewPrincess@aol.com